First month of memory care for my friend has been rough. Hoping it gets better.
Brought my friend from her home in a different state to my state after her live in caregiver for 3 years was experiencing burn out and Neurologist felt friend was socially isolated and recommended MC. She was up wandering at night, though not going outside, but turning on gas stove, etc. First couple of visits, with her at MC, she looked tired but I would watch her interact with the other residents, chatting and participating in activities. She went on an outing outside MC and said she enjoyed it.
The visits this past week, she "grills" me abt home, lots of questions abt why she can't be there with her dogs, it goes around in a loop for the whole visit. She is somewhat angry with me. I validate her feelings, I try and distract her by taking her outside to the patio, talking abt other things, I've brought my daughter's dog to visit. She is locked in to going home. I have seen the caregivers being kind with her and saying, don't worry, we will take care of you and come get you for dinner, etc. You're ok.
I know there is a transition period up to 3 months or more for some. Has anyone had this experience? Anything I can do differently? Thank you!!!!!
I agree with the others you are visiting too much. Usually a facility says no visits for the first 2-3 weeks, so she can adapt. You should cut back to once a week, for about 30 minutes or so. You cannot reason with her, and won't ever be able to. You know she is not lonely or being neglected. Or possibly burning her house down with her in it.
She'll be "somewhat angry" with you now, as the person who got her placed. Do not bring a dog with you again, that will remind her of her dogs she lost. Learn to avoid those types of triggers.
It may take several months before she adjusts, if she ever does. But make it crystal clear (by your actions) she isn't going to take her anger out on YOU. On the phone, end the call. At the facility, grab your purse and and LEAVE. She will catch on. Most dementia patients are fine and do fit in...and tend to save their bitterness for their family members.
It's not your fault she got old and sick. You did not cause her health decline. You stepped in to help her be safe instead, which is a true friend. Being old is no fun, I'm not thrilled about being 72 myself! You have seen the staff be good to her, so you know she's being fed, kept clean and safe. When she starts asking about her home or dogs, ignore her questions and change the subject.
I was thinking...little goodies may help. Like 50 piece boxed puzzles, coloring books with washable markers, crossword puzzle books, little snacks, mini candy bars, lip gloss or scented lotion, or cute socks...go to the local Dollar Store for goodies and bring only 2 or less. That will be a great distraction!
Be proud you have done a fabulous job! Hopefully she'll adjust and start to look forward to your weekly visits. Once a week, short and sweet!
YOU GOT THIS!
Mom lived in Memory Care for just under 3 years and complained the entire time. Yet she had a nice time living there and participated in all the activities and events, chatted with the other residents, and spent little time in her room! But to me she was miserable. They reserve all their misery for those they're closest to. If you go visit, observe her from afar and see how she's doing. My mother would be yucking it up but the moment she saw ME, her face dropped and the complaining began.
Your friend is being fed, bathed, socialized and cared for. That's all you can want. The rest is on her.
She is doing just what your mother did; participating in all the activities and chatting with the other residents and saving her ire for me. Dementia is wild!
Thank you lealonnie1
I have found that no matter how long between visits, she acts as if I never left, but she does get agitated when I leave so I now only visit once or twice a week, and honestly feel I am doing more harm than good.
Interestingly, she now is reluctant to leave the memory care ward. She doesn't want to go outside or even into some parts of the building outside memory care. It appears that is her safe place now, even though she can only think about "going home". There is no resolution. It is so sad to see this formerly active, vibrant, intelligent person's world reduced to such a small space.
My aunt, who has been a live-in caregiver for decades, told me; "They All Want to Go Home".
I think everyone with dementia wants to go home, because they are so confused by their current environment, and losing their capability to recognize anything, which has to be scary. All they can think of is "home", somewhere that feels safe to them.
You can talk with the MC staff and ask how she is when you are not there.
Perhaps see you is triggering her to mention home. If she seems to be assimilating well, try staying away for a while.
I sympathize. It's hard to not feel guilty in some way. You're doing a great job with her.
Ask the aides if after you visit do they have problems with here. You maybe a trigger and you will be the person she is mad at.
They all want to go home but its not always the last one they lived in. It could be her childhood home. They do lose longterm memory too. I feel they revert back to childhood. My Mom forgot my Dad (hard to do because he was something), remembered me, oldest and youngest brother but not my deceased sister or my other brother that lived 8hrs away. Her last stages dhe became childlike.
You have to learn to go with the flow. Her brain is dying little by little. There is no reasoning with them and the filters are gone. You have done a good thing. She is safe and well cared for.
Thank you.
Of course you want to do everything you can to make her happy, and in your mind, the more you can connect her to the kind of things that used to bring her pleasure, the happier she’ll be. But this is a whole new ball game, and those things are in the past. Let her move forward at her own pace, but let her move forward.
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