I don’t mean this to sound so heartless, really I don’t I’m just wondering from others experience how long after this happens do the elderly & frail manage to go on once they stop managing to do these tasks? as far as we are aware she has no dementia or Alzheimer’s, she’s just very very frail. The nurses who visit her have no concerned there. She has progressively got worse over the last two years, she’s now very thin, doesn’t leave the house unless she has an appointment (husband drives her). He is her carer, we and she are very lucky that she only lives ten minutes away and husband has a flexible job so he goes to see her to make her breakfast, pops back to make her lunch and then stops by on the way home to make her dinner. She didn’t admit she couldn’t prepare food until I asked her, I noticed also the house was actually not being cleaned (basic stuff like cleaning toilet and kitchen, hoovering!) I started by cleaning her toilet when I visit, then told husband he needs to start doing other bits when he’s there, she hasn’t got the energy to even wash plates after eating (we have to rewash them). Considering getting a cleaner in too to help. husband doesn’t want her in a home as we think this would really upset her (she’s said she doesn’t want to end up in a home) and as it’s all working ok at the moment it’s ok, but I’m aware it’s a strain on my husband, it’s a lot. He phones her regularly during the day, is basically her entertainment, social life, makes sure she eats and cleans the house, manages her appointments, the lot. Bless her, she just sits in her chair all day long. So without sounding heartless, I have no experience myself of this (and hopefully won’t!!) but when it gets to this stage how long realistically can the older person go on for? Though I realise then the loss of his mother when she eventually does pass would be really hard on my husband, he’s an only child, I suspect there would be some relief in some form too as he’s constantly worrying about her.
Best of luck to you.
My mother lived to 95, my father to 92, Rude Aunt to 102, and Nasty Grandpa to 95. What fun!
I think without there being some dementia happening here, the question is -- and this is basically for a good gerontologist WHY is she so fragile? Because the less she does, the more she will deteriorate. Our muscles, tendons, bones need now to keep WORKING or they will melt to nothing. I still walk two miles a day about 5 days out of 7. I do my garden, though having recently battled my Brugmansia back to a good trim over 4 days I am threatening a gardener for fall winter trim should I have to go another year. I still cook and clean, though things lost under the bed are a muttered "DANG", as the knees doth protest. But in short, at 83 and 85 respectively, my partner and I are still functioning for ourselves.
If MIL isn't, then there's a reason. The question is "What is the reason". There may be chronic illnesses? There may be arthritis? Just what is stopping her and can anything be done to maintain independence?
All that said, you now need to be ready to have ongoing discussions. You and doing more and they are doing less and it is why I tell EVERYONE that the best place for our kids is a minimum 1,000 miles away from us. You easily get drawn in to doing more and more and as you do that you enable their denial that they may need to consider other options than leaving their home feet-first.
Now to THE question. How long can she go on? Who knows. My daughter MIL is in her early pushing toward mid-90s. Still active though in Independent Living now. People at times now live to 100. It is anyone's guess. I am on my second bout in my lifetime with breast cancer. But of course, here I still am.
I don't feel your question is at all cruel. In fact that mil of my daughter has herself discussed with family the options for something such as "Dignitas or Pegasos". She is tired. She is almost blind from macular degeneration. She is "over it". In all truth, I myself am more than ready for my final curtain call. They just don't issue us the magic pill to take when we are ready, and there's no good predictor of who, what, where, when and in what manner.
Wishing you the best, but know it is time to discuss with the hubby the future, plans, and most of all LIMITATIONS. If he WILL discuss it, that is.
She needs a little extra help and care.
Her husband should hire a cleaner to come in so that your husband doesn't have to do so much work. Your husband can also sign them up for Meals on Wheels which should take care of one or two meals a day. They can get frozen microwave meals like Healthy Choice. Have the groceries delivered. Get a good supply of paper plates and plastic cups and utensils to cut down on the need for dishwashing.
See if some of her doctors can do video visits, and send a nurse or tech to their home for things like drawing blood and blood pressure checks.
No one wants to go to a care home, but sometimes it's necessary. Maybe you could help by calling around to a few and getting their brochures so that if it reaches that point, some preliminary work will already be done.
Sometimes it does take an in-law, like yourself, to see the practical realities when the family is too close to the situation to be realistic. Your husband needs to protect himself from burning out and becoming resentful, and making you resentful also.
People can live a surprisingly long time even when they can no longer manage their ADL's - Activities of Daily Living. If she is less active and sitting all day, she will also become weaker and will become a fall risk. Her son and her husband can not continue like this without help.
You could hire someone through a home care agency to come to the home regularly to do light housekeeping, prepare a meal, and provide companion or assistance with personal cares if needed. Your In-Laws pay for this, not you.
Then, your husband can stop by simply to visit and spend quality time with her.
That would be a much better use of his time and energy, and she will enjoy having his undivided attention.
My husband was in the same position, his brother died pretty young and his mother called him for everything. Except that she had cancer. Once she reached the point where she wasn’t taking care of herself, she only lived about another six weeks. But she was very sick already. I agree that with no underlying illness a person could go on for quite a while, with someone coming in every day to feed and take care of them.