I don’t mean this to sound so heartless, really I don’t I’m just wondering from others experience how long after this happens do the elderly & frail manage to go on once they stop managing to do these tasks? as far as we are aware she has no dementia or Alzheimer’s, she’s just very very frail. The nurses who visit her have no concerned there. She has progressively got worse over the last two years, she’s now very thin, doesn’t leave the house unless she has an appointment (husband drives her). He is her carer, we and she are very lucky that she only lives ten minutes away and husband has a flexible job so he goes to see her to make her breakfast, pops back to make her lunch and then stops by on the way home to make her dinner. She didn’t admit she couldn’t prepare food until I asked her, I noticed also the house was actually not being cleaned (basic stuff like cleaning toilet and kitchen, hoovering!) I started by cleaning her toilet when I visit, then told husband he needs to start doing other bits when he’s there, she hasn’t got the energy to even wash plates after eating (we have to rewash them). Considering getting a cleaner in too to help. husband doesn’t want her in a home as we think this would really upset her (she’s said she doesn’t want to end up in a home) and as it’s all working ok at the moment it’s ok, but I’m aware it’s a strain on my husband, it’s a lot. He phones her regularly during the day, is basically her entertainment, social life, makes sure she eats and cleans the house, manages her appointments, the lot. Bless her, she just sits in her chair all day long. So without sounding heartless, I have no experience myself of this (and hopefully won’t!!) but when it gets to this stage how long realistically can the older person go on for? Though I realise then the loss of his mother when she eventually does pass would be really hard on my husband, he’s an only child, I suspect there would be some relief in some form too as he’s constantly worrying about her.
I think without there being some dementia happening here, the question is -- and this is basically for a good gerontologist WHY is she so fragile? Because the less she does, the more she will deteriorate. Our muscles, tendons, bones need now to keep WORKING or they will melt to nothing. I still walk two miles a day about 5 days out of 7. I do my garden, though having recently battled my Brugmansia back to a good trim over 4 days I am threatening a gardener for fall winter trim should I have to go another year. I still cook and clean, though things lost under the bed are a muttered "DANG", as the knees doth protest. But in short, at 83 and 85 respectively, my partner and I are still functioning for ourselves.
If MIL isn't, then there's a reason. The question is "What is the reason". There may be chronic illnesses? There may be arthritis? Just what is stopping her and can anything be done to maintain independence?
All that said, you now need to be ready to have ongoing discussions. You and doing more and they are doing less and it is why I tell EVERYONE that the best place for our kids is a minimum 1,000 miles away from us. You easily get drawn in to doing more and more and as you do that you enable their denial that they may need to consider other options than leaving their home feet-first.
Now to THE question. How long can she go on? Who knows. My daughter MIL is in her early pushing toward mid-90s. Still active though in Independent Living now. People at times now live to 100. It is anyone's guess. I am on my second bout in my lifetime with breast cancer. But of course, here I still am.
I don't feel your question is at all cruel. In fact that mil of my daughter has herself discussed with family the options for something such as "Dignitas or Pegasos". She is tired. She is almost blind from macular degeneration. She is "over it". In all truth, I myself am more than ready for my final curtain call. They just don't issue us the magic pill to take when we are ready, and there's no good predictor of who, what, where, when and in what manner.
Wishing you the best, but know it is time to discuss with the hubby the future, plans, and most of all LIMITATIONS. If he WILL discuss it, that is.
“Frailness” isn’t necessarily an imminently terminal condition. But if she’s fading rapidly she should see her primary doctor.
No one WANTS to go into a facility, what can be done to bring help in?
I tried to learn whether frailty was a condition for which Medicare would deem home health aide as medically necessary. Usually that's reserved for people who primarily need skilled nursing care (wound management, infusions...) DIdn't get an answer...
Otherwise, the only insurance that would pay for an aide/companion is long-term care insurance. I was told a life insurance plan could be converted but don't recall those details. But those are avenues your husband and ILs should look at As Soon.
It's good both ILs are moving, and maybe they can keep tottering along. But things can also change horrifyingly fast. So plan now, yesterday!
Your local Aging or Social Services may be able to provide guidance on what's available.
Best wishes to all of you.
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* Schoenborn NL, Blackford AL, Joshu CE, Boyd CM, Varadhan R. Life expectancy estimates based on comorbidities and frailty to inform preventive care. J Am Geriatr Soc. 2022 Jan;70(1):99-109. doi: 10.1111/jgs.17468. PMCID: PMC8742754.
Best of luck to you.
I live in Florida and frail people can live easily another 10-15 years.
Is she eating enough protein? Eggs? Animal protein? Studies show most senior women don't get enough protein and it causes muscle atrophy.
A carb heavy diet with a lot of sugar will cause more lethargy.
Is she getting out in sunshine?
Have the husband get a biweekly cleaner or even a once a month cleaner to come in.
If the husband or son can walk with her a bit outside there would be huge value in that.
very very fussy eater so very limited diet (always been fussy!) and to be honest any food we manage to get her to eat is something to be celebrated, so we sneak lots of butter and cream into what she will eat for the calories, the protein she will consume is very limited unfortunately. And no… she doesn’t go outside. She used to come for a walk with us but she hasn’t done in a long time.
She has a weekly cleaner, a lawnmower and snow removal company and gets groceries delivered. She can do some cooking in addition to reheating food. She does put dishes in the dishwasher and runs it. Mostly she uses an office chair on wheels in the kitchen. She hasn’t seen a doctor in decades. Hasn’t seen a dentist or eye dr in probably 5 years.
I visit her three times per week and do everything else she needs so far, and have been trying to get her to accept an aide once per week who then can help out more when I go out of town and if she needs more in general.
Does your MIL bathe or shower? Wash her clothes? Who pays the bills?
As others have said, it really depends how much longer she could live. It could be 10 years or more if she eats OK and doesn’t have any underlying conditions. Has she had any falls? Those can really be a major problem for frail elderly. My mom has fallen 4 times in the past year but so far, no injuries. She calls 911 for “lift assist” and so far, they’re not charging for it.
You and your husband need to set some boundaries and stick to them. I know that it’s not easy.
I wish my MIL was as able as your mother, the office chair in the kitchen is a great idea but genuinely don’t think MIl would have the energy to shuffle herself about on it!
I believe she does shower it’s a walk in affair so not to cumbersome for her to manage, but husband drives her to the salon to have her hair washed and blow dried as she can’t manage that. She can still set the washing machine/dryer combo but sometimes needs husbands help. If husband wasn’t going there to prepare food for her I don’t think she would eat. Bills, we arrange all that for her setup to work automatically. She’s had one or two small falls but nothing requiring any medical attention thankfully.
Her husband should hire a cleaner to come in so that your husband doesn't have to do so much work. Your husband can also sign them up for Meals on Wheels which should take care of one or two meals a day. They can get frozen microwave meals like Healthy Choice. Have the groceries delivered. Get a good supply of paper plates and plastic cups and utensils to cut down on the need for dishwashing.
See if some of her doctors can do video visits, and send a nurse or tech to their home for things like drawing blood and blood pressure checks.
No one wants to go to a care home, but sometimes it's necessary. Maybe you could help by calling around to a few and getting their brochures so that if it reaches that point, some preliminary work will already be done.
Sometimes it does take an in-law, like yourself, to see the practical realities when the family is too close to the situation to be realistic. Your husband needs to protect himself from burning out and becoming resentful, and making you resentful also.
She needs a little extra help and care.
My mother lived to 95, my father to 92, Rude Aunt to 102, and Nasty Grandpa to 95. What fun!
People can live a surprisingly long time even when they can no longer manage their ADL's - Activities of Daily Living. If she is less active and sitting all day, she will also become weaker and will become a fall risk. Her son and her husband can not continue like this without help.
You could hire someone through a home care agency to come to the home regularly to do light housekeeping, prepare a meal, and provide companion or assistance with personal cares if needed. Your In-Laws pay for this, not you.
Then, your husband can stop by simply to visit and spend quality time with her.
That would be a much better use of his time and energy, and she will enjoy having his undivided attention.
My husband was in the same position, his brother died pretty young and his mother called him for everything. Except that she had cancer. Once she reached the point where she wasn’t taking care of herself, she only lived about another six weeks. But she was very sick already. I agree that with no underlying illness a person could go on for quite a while, with someone coming in every day to feed and take care of them.
For example, my mother stopped housecleaning around age 85 after an elbow injury. Then soon after she stopped shopping and cooking. My mother lived to age 95.
for nutrition
shes not callable of living in her own anymore
maybe check out options
there may be a nice place but she needs help and more than that being given
maybe the doctor can recommend a tonic
she mob at be feeling depressed
as we all get older we get pains all over
hard to bend
pains doing everything
she needs to Be assessed
And look at the results did next plan of action
She's frail because of her no-intake-of-nutritional food! This is a hard thing to deal with. Her taste buds may be no longer working (some actually dry up I'm told) and her energy level to cook is nonexistent. No one to sit and eat with her is some of the problem, but not a priority.
I would suggest a delivery service if you can find one that offers regular food.
My evaluation for an in-home medical nurse visit once a month was just done. What I want is not going to happen......a cook, a housekeeper and a 'do the laundry' type person!! I'm 82 and like your MIL I am in the same boat only without you or your husband who are really unreal but very nice people. Stay that way.
My suggestion would be to find out about respite care, tell MIL that it is a temporary option and she is only there for the minimum time (which is true). Then go away for a break with DH. With luck, it will give you a chance to think about your marriage, plus you can see how MIL copes with a few days in care. Our experience with MIL’s respite care is that it was really nice, lovely view, close to the entrance desk with lots of staff dropping in, a real selling point for the facility.
Reading this forum has helped me so much. You might even like a caregiver support group. Good luck on this journey.
The question is how long can your marriage survive this ?
Considering your MIL is aware and has no dementia ,
it’s quite selfish of her to have your husband stopping at the house 3 times a day to make her meals. That’s very unrealistic . Can she not even get up to make a sandwich for lunch ? , or husband can make her sandwich ahead of time and leave it in the fridge for her. He should not have to stop in at lunchtime . Can she not even make toast or a bowl of cold cereal , grab a yogurt , banana for breakfast on her own ?
Imo she belongs in assisted living or she needs to hire help to come to the house . This is not sustainable for your husband.
Yes, there will be relief when her life ends . I’ve witnessed too many slow declines .
I sense the question is how to manage 'now' as things progress.
I wonder how all this affects you/r health and well-being.
She will continue to decline so care-support needs to be put in place. Additionally, I would 'try' to encourage your husband to lessen his role and hire caregiver(s) so he can maintain his own health, which will continue to be strained as his mother declines and her needs for care increases.
You do not sound heartless. Reframe your self-talk to "I am concerned and doing the best I can in a different situation." You are. You are as realistic and considering the situation as his mother declines.
FYI: My client (3-6 years ago now) was as feisty (and smart) as they come. She took care of her health and lasted to 104. So, one never knows.
My belief having worked in this field is that 'most' elders fight for / want to maintain their independence, even if circumstances dictate (needs) otherwise. This is natural. A person losing their ability to care for themselves is scary to them. . . It is going into the unknowns - or the knowns (which they do not want, i.e., needing help, declining, feeling sad, frightened).
A strain on your husband to me indicates that it is time to get caregiver(s) in to help mom, even if she doesn't want it. (Ease her into others being in the house, even if they just 'talk to her' - and she does what she can / is used to doing - as some point she'll either accept some help or ask for it.).
You do want to avoid your husband be-coming burnt out and unable to address not only his mother's needs, but his own health / well being needs.
Gena / Touch Matters