To give a little background my husband and I have been together for 7 years, married one year, we are 27 years old. 2 Months after we got married his 85 year old Grandma moved in with us after facing multiple health issues that ended in a stroke and dementia diagnosis. My husband was basically raised by his Grandma and would do anything for her which is one of the reasons I love him. After this happened she could no longer live alone and my husband’s brother lives far away and has children, and my father in law is incapable of taking care of her. Because we don’t have children, we seemed to be the easiest option. I work from home full time so I am able to be with her. The constant caregiving is really starting to get to me, along with working full time and keeping my house in order. She is independent with her hygiene but that is it, everything else is left up to me. (Medication, food, dr appointments, financial, etc)
We are almost at the year mark of her living here and I cannot take it any longer. I have expressed my feelings in every way possible to my Husband and he just blows me off by saying nothing has changed with her living here or there are no other options for her and I need to let it go.
I am at a loss, not sure where to go from here. I miss my privacy, husband, and my life.
Let me guess, he comes home tired after long day at work.
How about you potentially jeopardizing your job. Working from home is great but requires self discipline.
Cannot imagine work done if I was taking care of someone.
I worked from home as well for a while gradually going less to actual office until business was sold.
And what if you decide to have kids in 5 years?
Grandma can go on for 10 years, you will be close to 40. Add kids if you wish to have them, maybe career advancement. Nobody can do it all.
You need to be specific and honest. What you expect from your husband and how to form a plan which includes you, as a person, partner, professional. Blowing you off is not a way to solve extremely complex issue.
Putting grandma in Al does not mean he loves her less.
There is also increased need for care as dementia gets worse. It will gradually get worse. There is a reason people go to facility as care is complex.
This protects your own future, but perhaps more importantly right now, it is a very firm statement to your husband about how serious the whole issue is – to you, and also for him. It’s actually less difficult and disruptive than moving out, or even finding a new job. Think about it as a firm statement, not an argument.
Take action now and DO NOT allow your husband to blow you off. Be in his face about this. He needs to find another option.
I am sure you love your husband but if he refuses to listen to you on this, he is showing you he has no regard for you as a human being.
You are a 20-something newlywed who is supposed to be enjoying, for one, your sex life. I can’t imagine you can now, let alone introduce a pregnancy into this situation.
When he gets home from work, tell him you need to talk and talk right now. Just tell him what you told us, and say you are not willing to continue this arrangement for another day, Gma needs placement or another place to live and not interfere in your young lives and marriage.
The situation is not sustainable, and something will need to change sooner or later, and now's the best time of all. Say you are willing to help find a placement if he is agreeable to that. If not, if you want to, tell him he can let you know when he's ready to.
Then, take some stuff and leave. You really don't need to be disrespected by this man any longer,
She was a stay-at-home Mom.
He made theats & ultimatums.
Said she HAD to care 24/7 for his Mom or he would divorce her & get a new wife. He was willing to blow up his whole family unit rather than make changes it appeared.
I always wondered how that played out.. if he found a wife #2.. one that took on his Mom w dementia 24/7 + his kids on weekends.. was ok to become financially dependant on him & therefore under his control..
There ARE other options, this isn't 1700's China.
This is a crummy life for you with two full time jobs. Taking care of a demented adult is NOT like taking care of a child. Dementia lasts for a decade or more, and it gets wildly crazy. Yelling, drooling, diarrhea explosions.
You both need to consult an elder care attorney and talk about medicaid.
Please believe me when I say that being in a memory care setting calmed my mother down.
My mother was a loving mother, and as an adult with dementia she is increasingly a piece of work. We're going on year NINE of vascular dementia. She was against being placed in a home. I placed her anyway because I saw the necessity of it. A whole staff of people look after her and make her smile. I walked in during dinner yesterday and saw her smiling with her companions. She saw me, and had a meltdown. This ALWAYS happens. It's a dementia thing. She's happily living her life, then she sees me and her brain snaps to cranky child. Then she's complaining the whole visit.
I wouldn't put my husband through the torture of years of living in the same house with a dementia patient. He's a nice man and he deserves a better home life.
It's time for grandma to be placed in dementia care. Sad but true.
You marry for better or for worse but there are limits. Follow our forum’s advice as well.
Afterwards, get on with your lives.
Amen to there being a limit to for better or for worse! People are so funny to include that in their vows. Maybe instead we should say "And I promise to believe and support you when you tell me you've reached your limit."
When you return, then explain to him that his brush offs are making you a slave to her whims and his decisions. If he is still hesitant then try a marriage councellor. He can go with you or you go by yourself
let your husband know that you need one two days a week to start with. That will be four hours a day. Caregiver‘s milk will make sure she Bates correctly brushes her teeth change her Linen on her bed. Wash it so that everything is freshened up they can make any special meals for her for the next two days they can take her for a walk. Take her to dentist appointments or lab appointments.
Next thing you need to explore is assisted living facilities based on her income.
most communities have a respite caregiver where the elderly go and be around other folks in a similar situation they watch movies play games talk have snacks.
you can do that one day a week to start with.
those are two options I have you.
but assisted-living seems like the most obvious but most painful also.
Hope that
She said to say “ ( Husband’s name ) , I can’t do this anymore “. And mean it .
Love & Duty. He did a swoop in to help. Heroic. He can add on being courageous enough to make changes: He can show his love for Grandma by helping her make LONG term plans for her life & care needs.
Sometimes talk will get this done.
Sometimes action.
Sit & chat about this with him. Ask what his views are. Point out that while you are married, you are separate people. If HE steps in to caregive, this is HIM. He cannot decide for YOU. A wife is not a two arm extention.
Sometimes a wife taking a weekend away gets this message through.
Grab some girlfriends & off you go!
His grandmother begins to pay for caregivers. Get that? HIS GRANDMOTHER pays for caregivers. Any assets that she has, any income that she has goes for her care. That pays for caregivers.
That also pays a portion of your household expenses. Your rent/mortgage, food, gas, electric, insurance and anything else.
Is there a POA? a person that is in charge of her finances or one that makes decisions for her health care? If not you, (your husband more accurately) may need to become her Guardian.
If no one is POA and you/your husband does not want to be her Guardian the Court will appoint a Guardian and she would become a Ward of the State.
When your husband is at home he MUST do ALL the caregiving for his grandma.
And you say that she is "independent with her hygiene" are you 100% sure about that? Is he ready to pitch in and change her soiled clothes? Clean her? Bathe her? All these tasks should fall on him. And do not let him back down because he is "male" and grandma is female and he would not feel right helping her. That is no excuse. If that is the way things worked there are a lot of women that would not be bathing and changing their dad's, grandpa's, and any other male member of the family.
How about showing your husband this thread with answers from experienced people regarding caregiving for an elder with dementia . This caregiving will only get worse as grandma declines.
Your husband needs to look at the options for placing grandma.
I'm sorry that what should have been a wonderful married life with the man you love, has turned out with you being a full-time caregiver to his grandmother, and has made you an unhappy wife.
I think your husband now needs a rude awakening, so it's time that you either take a long 2 week vacation without him and leave him to look after his grandmother full-time, or just move out for a month and let him handle it all by himself.
Hopefully if and when you come back, he will be open to having grandma moving into a facility. And if not...well then you know your answer and you know what you need to do before you invest(waste)any more time with this man.
Bottom line...grandmas got to go if you want to save your marriage.
A bit of righteous indignation is in order here. You married each other, not Grandma. Father-in-law is incapable of taking care of her, so when he can no longer care for himself, are you expected to take him in too? Then what? When do you get to have a family of your own? You know, the kind with a couple of kids and a doting husband and father who puts all of you first?
Time for a separation so husband can think this over. Don't believe him when he says if you come back, he'll help with Grandma. He may say anything to get you back. So the only thing you'll accept, and you make it clear before you leave, is for Grandma to be out of your home and in a permanent living place where she will stay for the rest of her life. Get some assisted living and memory care home brochures and arrange them artfully on the dresser in your formerly shared bedroom. Then go.
This seems harsh, but what he's doing to you is harsher yet. You don't need this. It's a young marriage, and getting out of it now will be easier than getting out later when you have children and when Grandma can do none of her care at all and FIL is sleeping on your couch and wandering in the middle of the night.
You and H should be out having fun, going on nice vacations, enjoying each other, and planning a bright future together. Instead you've got misery. Look at it this way - every day you spend taking care of Grandma is a day that's stolen from you. And she will get a lot worse, probably soon.
No point in more talk with H. You know it doesn't work. Just go. In time you may find a kind and loving partner who would do anything for YOU.
You remind your husband that he married you not hs grandmother. That he did right by her for as long as was possible, but you his wife, cannot have her living in the home anymore. Explain to him the reasons why you insist she is moved out.
If your husband continues to blow you off, stop working from home and start going to work every day. Then there will be no one there for his grandmother and she will be alone all day. This is an option. I think the better option is either she leaves or you do.
Excellent idea.
Take your work to the local library, or hire a cubicle in a shared work hub.
Get a job on site and stop working from home, that's also an option. Why do so many people think working from home isn't a REAL job and you have all this spare time to care for GMA? Your DH is minimizing your job AND the time spent caring for HIS GMA. Not good.
Go on a "work related" trip for a week and tell DH he'll have to take time off of HIS job to stay home and care for his GMA. Thst should change his tune about "no other options" very quickly.
GMA is NOW independent with hygiene, but won't be for long. What happens when shes having blowouts all over the house? Peeing in garbage cans and wetting the bed every night? Dementia, as it worsens, is a VERY ugly thing to witness and even uglier to care for. Seriously. I'm not trying to scare you, just tell you the truth. Men, somehow, need to be hit smack dab in the FACE with the reality of these things before they wake up. That's also the truth. It's "no big deal" to your DH till HE has to deal with it. Trust me.
Force your new groom to pull his head out of his back pocket and deal with granny HIMSELF. Then he will see things your way. Until then, you've got it all under control FOR him.
If you had a traditional Christian wedding you probably weren’t thinking about grandma when he promised to “forsake all others”. But you aren’t asking him to forsake his family of origin, just asking him to put your relationship as central in your lives. You have a disproportionate load to carry as you describe your life.
In time DH may be able to realize that you are being loving and wise to reestablish your relationship as central to your lives.
There was someone who took on the responsibility to love and care for Grandma many years ago.
Grandpa.
It’s time for him to make a decision on how he will accomplish that. He can hire help at home or he can find a care facility or perhaps your DH would like to move in with the two of them?
If funds are the issue they need to visit a certified elder attorney who will show them how to get GM placed while keeping enough of their finances for GP to live at home if she needs 24/7 care. Does he drive? Prepare his own meals or is the brother caring for him? Perhaps they both need care? who has POA for either?
You could take a different job that required you to not be at home. You could move into your own space. Think about the options available to you. Not as a threat but as a way to help DH see that this problem of GM is not solved. Be ready to act on your suggestions. He needs to know you are serious. Most of all, YOU need to know younger serious. Don’t live a life of resentment. Get in or get out. You are young but these are lessons all caregivers grapple with.
Her condition may advance slowly which could consume years of your future or suddenly as in one fall but it will disrupt your lives regardless and more hard decisions will have to be made.
She won’t stay as she is now and neither will you.
When I had two toddlers at home and was waiting on an exciting position i knew was not available for a few months, I kept my DH grandmother when she was between places to stay. I remember it fondly. She was very easy to care for and I knew it was temporary. Looking back on it I have no idea how I did all that. I had a brother who was dying of cancer who would come over and take us all for a ride and an ice cream cone. Bittersweet memories.
There is a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend that might give you some support during this time. You can find a good deal from it online. You aren’t standing up just for yourself but also for your marriage, your career and any chance of your having a family of your own.
When was the last time you spent time with your family of origin? Are they on your calendar these days? Don’t cut your family out of your life. Seek balance.
Grandma goes into assisted living care . You now have two full time jobs. That’s not fair . You are burnt and your husband is blowing you off .
I suggest marriage counseling , maybe a counselor can get him to see this is not fair . Your husband should be putting the marriage first .
If he says “ No “ then I would leave . He should be putting his wife first over his grandmother . Just because she raised him , doesn’t make her the center of your marriage .
Your other option is to get a new job that is in office 5 days a week . Then your husband will have to come up with another solution for grandma . So long as you keep doing this at home , nothing will change .
And today you stop taking grandma to her appointments. Let your husband know he will have to do that and he will be picking up her prescriptions and doing her shopping, errands and her financials. Why are you doing it all ???
I also agree with the suggestion of saying you need a break and go stay with friends . Your husband needs a wake up call .
Switching to something that is on site would get you out of grandma care.
This is up to you, but I do think, personally, and especially if you have friends out of town, that a vacation of 2 weeks away would wake hubby up.
I would make reservations and hotel room, tell hubby date you are leaving, and tell him when you return you will discuss whether grandma can live with you or not.
When living with an elder doesn't work for ONE person in the household, then it doesn't work.
Hubby can either "get that" or he can be alone with grandma.
Do let him know that, from what you read on agingcare, the trajectory is downward, and you won't be doing this.
The ball is in your court. You can sit tight and nothing will change other than to get inexorably worse. Or you can take matters into your own hands. This is about grownup real life. Time to have some control in it, or to understand that you don't, are merely a slave with no say in your own life. Either choice is acceptable, but be clear it is YOUR choice.