The issue for me is "daughter guilt". My mom lives with me. Does not socialize. She is sweet as can be, but she doesn't talk beyond the weather or food. Why do I feel guilty and angry? I am recently widowed and I feel that if she doesn't have a "life" then I don't. I do get away once in a while and leave her meals and have others check in on her...I hate this guilt. I miss the days when I would go to HER house once a week, go to lunch, shopping and back to HER house for tea, kiss her good bye and go home.
I'm learning to put aside the guilt because it really isn't me. She likes to sleep half the day and watch TV the other half. She doesn't want to talk usually and doesn't want to do anything. She talks of how she might like to do something tomorrow, but tomorrow stays a day away. It is okay. I know she has dementia and pain from her back. If she is happy at home with her TV, I'm okay with it. It isn't the healthiest life, but it is the one she chooses for herself. Sometimes I still feel twinges of guilt that I don't encourage her to do more. I got tired of sounding like a nag. I think we're both happier if I just let her be.
With your just becoming a widow recently, you may be dealing with some grief related depression and grief related anger that now living with mom just doesn't give you the feeling of having enough space to deal with and work through.
Maybe a therapist could help you discover some ways to keep developing your own life while your mom declines so that you still have a life one day. Otherwise, you want.
Anger and guilt are part of grief and you need to give yourself daily time and space to process that. Would your mother understand and accept that if you talked with her? Can she be left on her own for e.g. a couple of hours a day that you can claim for yourself? Do you have a sibling where mother could go for some weekends or weeks?
My gut sense is that you need some regular time alone in your own house to grieve the loss of your husband - to cry freely, to feel the pain of the empty chair, the unused favourite mug, all the reminders of him. This is normal and necessary and takes months and years to get through until you are at a more comfortable place. You NEED this. Please arrange it for yourself.
The guilt you are feeling is part of grieving and also there is probably some false guilt attached to looking after a parent and trying to fill all their needs and get their approval. Try to let go of that part.
I hear your pain. Look after you and let us know how you are doing.
Yes, I have joined a grief group and we have all become good friends. We call each other when down, go out to eat once a month and talk and laugh.
I just need to realize that all of this with mom is okay. Thank you!
the weekdays away from her, and after spending 2 days of the weekend, I don't know how she does it for so little even though we really can't afford to keep doing it. I think a huge part of my anger and guilt stems from the fact that my husband and I have worked all our lives hoping to enjoy our pre retirement years with trips and many visits to the grandkids several states away. Instead, we are trapped in this hell not of our making with no way out. What would be a more interesting question would be why in the hell would someone not feel anger, guilt and dislike for circumstances which have ruined all our plans for a happy retirement and much earned rest. I feel like I am juggling more than I was when I had small children, all I do is run to doctors, pharmacies, grocery stores and a hundred other chores that have fallen on my shoulders now that I have had to take over care of my mother. Oh, and let's not forget all the "thanks" we get from our demented parents and the useless family members who disappear like beer at a frat party.
Your anger is very understandable and somewhat different from the anger of the original poster.
I hate to say this, and you probably already know it, but having someone at home with Alzheimer's will only get far worse than it already is. The strain of all of this can really place a huge emotional strain on one's marriage without some relief to help keeping that relationship nurtured.
I gather that your siblings have abandoned you which is far too common. Chewing your cud over that resentment will only fuel the fire more which will drain you and not damage them at all.
So, what kind of plan have you and your husband discussed for the long haul? Is the $400 per week coming from your money or her's or does she even have any money? Would this be the time to begin the process of getting her on Medicaid? For her safety and care plus your own well being, she may need medicaid to eventually go to a memory care unit?
I hope you are already her durable and medical POA for she may not be able to give that to you now if she has not given it to you already.
Are there any Alzheimer's support groups in your area that you could attend?
Bring us up to date with some more information, keep in touch, feel free to vent all you need to. We are here to support you with love, cyber hugs, advice and listening ears! You are not alone.
I knew exactly what he was saying. This is not saying to stop caregiving parents. It is saying to stop devoting our lives to entertain or make someone happy. If they are lonely, they can join a church group or go to the senior center. They can call their Cousin Marcie... whatever. Because they choose not to do this, it does not make us obligated to devote our lives to entertaining. That is too much to ask. I think that providing a safe environment, good food, and a thoughtful relationship is enough.