What can I do when the guilt of wanting my mom to go to the nursing home is so strong that I am going crazy?

It is important to know that most nursing homes are not places where a patient can get good care. Most of them are understaffed, and the staff is overworked. I have read some horror stories about nursing homes, and they are to be avoided if at all possible.

Moms got money in the bank,she is in the hospital ,she is suffering from dementia . I am on section 8 . She lives with me after losing her home and husband in Katrina. I am the only sibling that will put up with her. I am her agent. So I will have to take care of her affairs. Would I be able to move her money before the gov. Takes all.

I too was going through the same situation. My Dad passed 6 years ago and prior to his death, it was me who ran him to doctors, treatments, and helped Mom bathe him. I did it willingly, after all, it was my Dad. Well, Mom was so dependent on Dad for everything. She never went anywhere without Dad. Never got groceries, Dad picked them up, Dad took her to doctors, hairdressers, shopping, etc. She never drove a car because was so "over protective" of her even though she has a license, she never used it. So needless to say, when Dad passed, I stepped into his shoes.By the way, he and Mom didn't have burial plots so my husband and I paid for them. I did all of her banking because she was getting to the point where she was making mistakes. My husband even picked out her car because she didn't want too! We would go to the farm twice a week to mow over 4 acres of yard and do whatever repairs were needed. I too have a brother who lives 10 miles away. He on the other hand didn't feel it was necessary to do anything to help. Oh, he would go there but only to do woodworking for himself and then conveniently had to quickly leave for some unknown reason so he wouldn't have to visit Mom. Over the years when he was kind enough to mow when we couldn't, Mom insisted on paying him, not only for gas but for his time and effort. We never was paid and we took our own mowers down and used our gas. As time progressed, Mom developed Dementia. I never told her she had it because I thought she would be more afraid. I spent 2 years running down to her house making sure she was ok or when she wouldn't answer the phone I would race down only to find her fine, thank God. One day in the depths of a winter storm, I called her to remind her of an appointment the next morning which I was taking her to. By the way, that was my job also since Dad passed, sometimes upwards of 7 appointment a week, and of course my brother couldn't be bothered!
When I called her she sounded strange so I made a point to let her know I would call later that afternoon. When doing so, she sounded great, said she was going to watch the Super Bowl. Made me feel better knowing she was alright! The next morning i called her as scheduled at 5:00 AM to awaken her. NO answer. I called repeatedly using the land line and her cell. NO ANSWER! I raced down there in 2 feet of snow praying nothing was wrong. After getting stuck in the driveway with half of my car in the road, I made my way to the house. Keep in mind my parents had at least 6 doors to get into their house and each one had a different key. Getting to the final door, it's locked with a hook lock! There's a glass window so the only thing I could do is break the glass with my hand to get in. I raced upstairs only to find her lying on the floor completely out of it. To make a long story short, after a week's stay in the hospital and i month at rehab, she moved in with us. I really thought I was made to be a caretaker. Boy was I wrong!! It started out wonderful, sure, there wasn't any privacy, but we dealt with that. After some time she became argumentative and sullen. Not wanting to do things or go anywhere with ALL of us, only me. She was critical of my grandchildren, my daughter, my husband. It took such a toll on us all. Our nerves were stressed beyond repair. I lost 45 pounds in one year with her her. We couldn't leave her alone which she perceived as we were afraid she was going to snoop! Who cares if she snooped! All during this time, 14 months, my brother NEVER called or came to see her. He is only 3 miles away! We finally said that we needed to at least get away and she would go into care for the time we were gone. We made the arraignments and she visited the Independent Living where she would temporarily stay. SHE LIKE IT!!!! Well, it wasn't scheduled to happen for 6 months yet. In the mean time she continued to progress in her sullenness and picked fights. We were going crazy. The directors from Independent Living said it was time she came there permanently. I was devastated. I could I be so cruel and uncaring. I beat myself up until I was crazy. It happened so quickly, in fact the day they told me she needed to come in, she went. For the next 6 months I cried and cried because I thought I did wrong. Now I know I didn't. What I did was save my marriage, my health and my husband's health. Mom was very unhappy for months. Now, I think she likes it even if she won't admit it! I still am running 4-5 times a week for appointments and my brother is still on the other side of the same town. He never acknowledges birthdays, Mother's Day or Christmas for her. But I know I did the right thing for us all. I was told last month after a geriatric evaluation that she may only have months to live. I know they don't know everything. To look at her, she looks 65 instead of her 81 years. She is just as beautiful as ever. I know in my heart I have done all that I can to make her comfortable and happy and I have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. I love my Mom and for whatever time she may have left, I will continue to make her feel wonderful and safe. It's a struggle financially to keep her in a private Assisted Living, but, since she is in Memory Care, I want the best for her.

If either parent was in the service, the VA will assist with up words of $1156 per month retroactive to filing date. I filed for her last June 2010 and am still waiting for her review. I know that this was very long but thanks for listening.
When all looks dark and lost, remember, you are not alone. Reach out to whomever you need to. And talk about it. I thank God everyday for my husband and my circle of friends because without them, I couldn't go on. Bless you all.

I'd like to start by saying that you are all very special people!!! To go through these selfless acts of care giving and yet still feeling guilty about the thought of your loved ones suffering in the hands of anyone else's hands is quite a gift that you should all be proud of. You are only feeling guilty because you are good souls and want to do what's best for other's.
With that said....
I had horrible thoughts about NH's.My Mom is now in a NH 2yrs with no other illness besides Cognative Impairment Dementia. The last thing I wanted to do was have her reside in a NH. Without going into all the details, fate took her there and it's the best thing for her health, happiness and safety as well as mine and all involved.
This is not how I would have wanted things to turn out but under the circumstances it is the best case scenerio , and it is all good!!!

Medicade pays for the first 90 whole days. I don't know what happens next; my parents bought Insurance 'long term care'. but if she owns a home they will take it.for payment unless you have it put in your name 2 years before she leaves it. ( in CA ). money in bank retirement , long term care.....
will also be taken. if she lives with you I stress this " she lives by your rules ".

Please listen to Carol. Her advice is spot on. Its always hard to place a parent in a nursing home. Many people feel as if they have failed if they have to place them. You have no reason to feel this way. You have given more than could ever be expected. Hope you find a great facility so you can get back to enjoying your life, your family and your mom. All the Best to you and yours.

You'll just have to let go of the guilt if you want to stay sane. You've been a beautiful and wonderful daughter. And nothing says that putting your mother in a good board & care home, or a good nursing home, doesn't Also make you a beautiful and wonderful daughter.

Self preservation and self care is an important and awesome thing, it allows us to care for others without losing our minds.

I know and feel what everyone is going through. I am a 24/7 caregiver for my parents and it really is just me. I have a brother who lives a few states away and comes in every six months or so to give me a break but by the time he gets here I am so tired and behind at my home that there is no rest or either I go home and go to bed and sleep too much and get a headache. the last time he was in I really think he tried to give my mom a sleeping pill to make her sleep for she is up and down alot. If he did it backfired for she became afraid and I had to spend the last couple nights there with them all. My brother had my bed while I had the couch. I live about 1/4 mile away and spend all my time going from house to house. I have to spend the night with them. My dad broke his hip over 3 years ago so he is from the chair to the bed. He won't exterise on his own and I have to make him kick his legs before he gets up to warm up and make it easier. He had to do that some before he broke his hip. I have helped them for years but they have also helped me. I relized yesterday that the only way that I will ever get a day off is to put both of them in the nurseing home or they die. This is sad. I have resendment as I am carrying the whole load by my self. My brother says my dad would not do this for anyone else which I know but I have been doing what I feel is the thing to do. My husband had rather them stay where they are and me go back and forth which I totly understand for they are hard to deal with. I try to look at the sky everyday and have a garden in the summer and enjoy the simple thing in life which I have allways done but sometimes I really get angry . My dad has to have all his teeth pulled now and this will be a problem as it will take at least 3 people to get him there and back. I do have a wheelchair van I had to buy to get him around but you could move 50 head of catle as easy as you could move him. I am glad to still have my parents at this age but we do not enjoy each other as I get tired from all the work. I read the other post and know I don't have it as bad as everyone else. I am looking for the silver lining in the clouds. If I didn't have internet I would know nothing going on in the world. I miss cleaning up for I don't do that anymore and go to the store when noone is there we live in a small town so everyone knows me and I think some think I am on drugs now for I used to wear dress clothes when I was working.

I am in the same predicament with my husband. He fights me just to clean him and change his depends, shower, etc. He's been sleeping in clothes at times he won't change into pj's. I once promised that as long as he still knew who I was I would keep him at home. I am an emotional wreck. I have tried home health aides but he would throw things, bang tables and I'd get a call to return home. Two minutes after an episode he would smile, hug me and tell me he loves me. I've been 24/7 fora year now, quit work last Dec. to care for him. I haven't been to hairdresser, doctor, etc. because he's attached at the hip. Sleep is my only freedom. His kids from a previous marriage live far away and never call...it's just me. I know heshould be in a home, but the guilt is tearing me apart. Plus, I would lose his social security, our only income right now. He is on medicaid, so home would be covered....I would be left with nothing. Can anyone advise me what to do? Soulmate

A person shouldn't feel guilty about admitting that enough is enough. Depression is anger turned inward. When our inner voice tells us we are doing to much and we ignore it by continuing to do to much because we are physically able to do it we implode in our minds and bodies. I know exactly how you feel because I've been there myself and suffered the same consequences. The guilt feelings you are having stem from your Mother... weather she or you know it or not she is emotionally pulling your strings and when she's pulled them to far it's hurting you emotionally and physically. We've all been through this at one time or another.. before we can set a boundary with others we have to learn our own boundaries. The best thing that you can do for everyone concerned is to figure out a way to get her out of the house even if it is for Adult Day Care. By doing this you will see that her needs are being taken care of and it will give you time needed for yourself and your Husband. The problem you are having isn't really what your Mom needs but what she wants. She is expecting you to do more than you should. She probably doesn't even realize what she is doing to you on a conscience level but it is out of her own insecurities and you are the one she is closest to so you bear the brunt of it. With you struggling with Depression like you are it is your body's way of screaming at you to stop pushing yourself. When you are dealing with Depression like you are taking care of others is such a strain, and it gets harder and harder. You are doing the right thing by getting some help. Taking care of a demanding parent can crush your sense of self worth because you can become so consumed with meeting their demands that you lose sight of yourself and your needs get neglected. It's so much better for the demanding parent to be told NO, you are expecting to much of me. Seeing a counselor will help you see your way through this and build your inner strength to do what is right for you and your Mother. In the meantime if you need to vent your feelings (good or bad) to others who will not judge you but listen with empathy come over to the "grossed out thread" there you will find love and support. Cricket

Carols advice is excellent.
I had to place my mother (with dementia) in a nursing home after it almost destroyed my emotional/mental state and my marriage. Realize your priorities and take the leap! It's not easy but once you know that your mother is well cared for you can actually enjoy the time with her and feel sane again. Don't let the guilt ruin your life. It's only purpose as an emotion is to make a change.
I went through the plethora of emotions also, including guilt and shame. For me, those were residual emotions from the way I was raised as a child.
I still have my father living in an addition to our house. He's 96, moody, angry and demanding. Unfortunately he's of "sound mind". He can not afford assisted living near my mom so he will be here until something unfortunate happens. I'm familiar with that "wish".
He has been in the hospital many times but he always comes home with nursing and guess who needs to keep an eye on him. The last time the visiting nurses came I told them that if he needed a wheelchair or to be toileted that we'd make other living arrangements for him. I've been caring for my parents for 10 years and I need my life back.
I didn't intend to go on about my stuff. I guess I also need to take Carols advice, and my own.

Are there any adult foster care homes in your area? I would start looking there. We had really good luck with the one that my father-in-law was in. Many here in Oregon are run by Romanians who according to their culture, take care of the elderly. We sorted through 4 or 5 places before deciding on one. I would choose one of those WAY before going the nursing home route as long as the person is able. Either way, you need to get your mom into temporary respite care to give yourself a break. I might add, the foster care place we chose started out at $2400.00 as compared to the $6000.00 of the nursing home. Whew!!

I'm glad you are going to see a psychologist to help you through this. You have done far more than most people could manage. If your health is compromised (which is happening) you may not be able to care for your mom at all. If you get help - which is what nursing homes are for - you can become even a better caregiver, in that you won't be exhausted, resentful (that would be human in your situation), and as you put it - crazy - from all of the stress. Keep reminding yourself that this move is for your mother's sake as well as yours. You will be healthier (and your mom does want that even if she is no longer able to express it), and in a much better place to give her quality company when your visit. You won't be doing all of the hands-on work that can detract from your care.
She doesn't need to go to a hospital to get into a nursing home. Sometimes people think that you can only go from a hospital. Medicare pays for some days in the nursing home if a person goes from the hospital, but not a lot.
It's time that you start looking into a change. Your daughter doesn't need this, your family will suffer and your health is taking a beating. Please drop the unearned guilt, continue to seek professional help, and find a facility that can take your mom. Then, you can visit with pleasure and be good company. You can also have a life with your family.
Take care of yourself, please,
Carol