You brought them into your home going on 2.5 yrs.Mom is advanced but still talkative, dad is less advanced. You’ve gone through many helpers and are past burnout. You are very close to both parents and adore them. You also have a teen and college aged kids. I’d like to hear from those of you who then made the move ro MC as well as anyone who made other choices as well as kept them in your home. I’d like to know of your experiences and reflections.. I know none are easy choices with each their own pros/cons…I want to learn from you as I’m trying so hard to keep going but at the sacrifice of time with my kids and all else. I tend to lead with my heart but my head is frustrated & sad daily and my body tired. It kills me to see my beautiful mom so lost and tortured. She cries a lot. And so do I.
Do both need Memory Care at this time?
I know I am one that typically says someone with dementia should not be in Assisted Living but with both of them it may be safer than if it was just one of them.
They would have the help of the staff in AL. They would have each other. Then as the dementia progresses they could both make the move to Memory Care.
If MC is appropriate now then placing both of them together would be ideal. They would have each other and they would still "help" each other.
When I was caring for my Husband I always said that I was ruled by two major organs in my body, my Heart and my Head. And I hoped that when the major decisions came that I would be ruled by my Head not my Heart.
I think at this time making the decision to place both your parents in a facility where they can get the care they need and be safe is a decision to be made with your head but I think your heart will follow. They will be safe, you will be able to be Daughter again not a Caregiver. don't let that fool you though you will be a Care Manager and that is sometimes more difficult.
When I stopped being my mother's caregiver and moved out, the choices were and still are make it work with homecare or it's a nursing home. I don't offer a third option.
If you're as burned out as you say, then it's time for them to go into assisted living or whatever care facility is appropriate for their needs. There are facilities that offer memory care and skilled nursing and assisted/independent living in the same facility. This way if one spouse needs more care than the other, they can still stay together in the same place. This may be something worth looking into for your parents.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years before going into the business of it. I've seen every family dynamic there is and have also seen burnout get to the point where the family caregiver was driven to an act of desperation by the situtation if you get my meaning. My caregiver burnout got to a point when I was living with my mother as her personal servant/care-slave that I was almost driven to hurting myself.
So, I'm going to tell you the best and most truthful advice that has ever been said in reference to being the caregiver to needy, elderly people.
At some point there has to be a choice made. It's either them or you.
Of course you can choose to sacrifice yourself to the bottomless, pit of neediness, elderly decrepitude, and care demands for them until they die, but you will give up and lose everything. You will not be the only person who gets sacrificed because of your choice. You have a spouse and children. They will too. I've seen once happy marriages end up bitter in the divorce court because one spouse moves in elderly, needy parents. I've seen children have their homes and family life hijacked because of grandparents' endless demands and neediness that their parents are trying to fulfill every minute of the day. Don't do this to your spouse and kids. Your first priority is them, not your parents.
Also, your mother is never going to stop crying. If she lived in Disneyland it would be the same thing. You didn't cause her dementia. You didn't make your parents old and needy either. There's a time for all things. Your time now is for your spouse, children, and that life. It's your parents' time to wind down a long life and go into care so they're not a burden on their family.
Please, for your sake and your family's look into residential care for them so you can go back to being their daughter and not their slave. So they can be remembered by the grandkids as grandparents and not the miserable, demented, old creatures that wrecked their home and destroyed their mother. If your parents truly love you and their family and I'm sure they do, they don't want this for you. Put them in care.
I just want to remind you to recognize when their needs are more than you can provide for adequately.
You say you are past burnout. You have semi-adult children who probably still need you. It's time to prioritize your time and your energy. Don't make your children last. They have a whole life ahead of them and can benefit from your guidance and support. Don't neglect your needs. You could kill yourself trying to keep up with everyone else's needs, and your parents could outlive you. Who's going to take care of them then?
Finding a care home for your parents is not neglecting them. They can get the care and attention they need while you can continue to be a daughter who is not exhausted, frustrated and burned out.
Spend some time thinking about what your life would look like if they were in a care facility. What would you do with that time? I think you will come up with some answers which will guide you to the decisions that are right for you.
My parents were living together with heart and dementia issues. I was in denial about how much they were declining. My dad was 89 when he fell and had to get a hip replacement. He was never the same after surgery and I had to find a personal care home for him. My mom could not accept the fact that my dad was never coming back home to live. Within months of my dad falling, my mom fell. I kept her in the hospital because I saw she was delusional. Something happened to her from grieving my dad not coming home. She also may have hit her head. I lived 5 mins from their house, but they needed 24 hour care. Anyway, I claimed an unsafe discharge for my mom. The hospital arranged an attorney to represent me. I became my mom's court appointed guardian. My dad died of Congestive Heart Failure while my mom was in the hospital. I moved my mom into a personal care home. Her heart broke and her dementia got worse. They prescribe Lexapro and it helped my mom cal down. My mom died 10 months after my dad because of heart failure. I was visiting them everyday in hospitals an their care homes. Life was very stressful. Please reach out to an Elder Care Attorney and God bless you.
Today I know it was the best decision I could have made and, for her sake, I wish I had done it sooner. She is flourishing there! The programs they provide have kept her involved with other people as well as provide much more stimulation than just sitting home watching tv. She doesn’t remember the activities after the fact but the workers tell me she participates in almost everything and in the photos they take at the time she usually has a big smile on her face. I visit her every few days and sometimes more often and I take her out to eat or to various things I think she’d like. I do have a friend who is a retired RN and has worked as a caregiver with a number of 90+ year olds including well as my mother and she comes with us. I will admit that having her help on some of those excursions makes a big difference. I think she can get my mother to do things I can’t because she’s not the daughter!
I still have to put a fair amount of time into making sure she has what she needs but it is less stressful and I can do it on my time. When she was living in her home I was starting to find myself loosing patience and when I visited her I was doing so much for her that I was growing resentful, even though I knew she couldn’t help herself. Now I can enjoy doing things with her again. I never had to leave her alone to encourage her to adjust as some people have needed. She adjusted very quickly though she still asks when she is going back home. I hate knowing that she will never go back to the house and state she loved so much but she is happier than I’ve seen her in years. I think that moving your parents together would make it easier on them since they would still have each other and wouldn’t be all alone in a new place. Others have addressed that more in their responses. Anyway, moving my mother was the best thing I could have done for her, myself, and our relationship.
I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.
I am sorry you have to make these decisions. All of your feelings are valid. We all process pain and anguish differently. No one can tell you what to do.
At the very least you need to get some help in or place your mother in memory care. I hope your mother's ordeal is over soon. That's the only thing you can hope for because she is not going to get better.
We are now in year three of nursing home care for my father, my mother is now gone. My father is nearly a vegetable, just eats and sleeps. Doesn't really respond much to me anymore. I hate visiting him and I cannot wait until his body gives up. As far as I am concerned, he is gone to me already. But there is no end in sight. He will be 97 at the end of October and his body just keeps going.
My retirement years have been full of stress and long distance trips to NYC. I resent the lack of appreciation for what I and my sisters have done for them. We did a lot to keep them home as long as we could, and they really treated us badly those last years, I am hoping that some day I can remember some happier times but so far I can't.