My mom is 80 and I’ve been taking care of her for the past 10 years. I work from home, run a business with my husband, and have two teenagers, so caregiving has been a big part of my life for a long time.
Over the past several months, things at home became really difficult. She was:
She also needs help with all of her ADLs (bathing, dressing, toileting, etc.), which made it even harder to safely care for her at home.
Because she was up for days at a time, I wasn’t sleeping either and became completely burnt out trying to manage everything — caregiving, work, my family, and daily life. It got to the point where it just wasn’t safe anymore, and we made the difficult decision to move her to long-term care.
Now, in the facility, she’s:
Some days it honestly makes me question whether she even has dementia — but I know what things were like at home. Has anyone else experienced this? Is this common?
I’m wondering if it’s:
It’s reassuring, but also confusing and emotional at the same time. I’d love to hear others’ experiences. 💙
Less Stress - Yes
Better Sleep - Well, maybe. If she's medicated to sleep better.
Medication Consistence - Yes
24/7 Care - Yes
These are all things that you could not provide in your home.
People with dementia do have good and bad days - and times when they are lucid and coherent. Just be glad and enjoy the moments you can share with her when she is calm and coherent.
Just think with her muddled mind all that goes on in your household, with teenagers, you and husband, running a business. It's all just a part of your busy day, but for her that could feel chaotic. And she may now have opportunities to socialize with others her age. She probably was pretty lonely with your busy family. Just be happy that she is adjusting well! You've done everything you can for her and are continuing to do everything you can for her, including finding a place where she can be safe and comfortable and receive 24 hour care from professionals whose sole job is focusing on resident's needs.
staff who are rested to provide care, adapt quickly to resident needs, have numerous ways and supplies to engage. The days are filled with joy and satisfaction of being able to do something. You can then step back, enjoy time spent visiting. My spouse was in memory care under hospice care with Vitas. It gave us time to be together and enjoy the last weeks. Saw same things you observed. Family member enjoying their days.
I think diet/food and hydration are really important.
She may be getting more consistent protein in her diet.
Structure/routine/meds on schedule etc.
Yes. It's all of it. This is another reason why people should check into care homes before they are burnt out. They think that their loved ones will suddenly decline, but in cases like this they stabilize instead. My mom is far less stressed now than she was living at home.
How are you doing these days? I hope life is easier for all of your family.
I wish my parents had not been spectacularly uninformed and stubborn so that they could have ended their lives in a beautiful well-run facility instead of at home being the bane of my existence. Managing their care was a full-time job, and I also ran their business. I was already a senior citizen myself when they were demanding all this. OMG. Don't do it to your kids. Don't do it to your mom, for that matter. Mom deserves professional care, not the haphazard and often chaotic mess that home care often ends up being because family caregivers have to learn on the job. Some aren't and never will be up to it, and that's okay.
In facility care, the staff knows what they are doing in a way that a non-professional home caregiver cannot. Leave it to them! Home care, no matter how loving, is NOT always the best.
My cousin called dh and I to come say goodbye to my aunt who was living with her at home. My aunt was skin and bones and semi comatose in bed when we said our goodbyes. Shortly afterward, Medicaid was approved and my cousin placed her in a SNF where she came back to life right away. Perked up and went on to live another 5 years.
Home life can be boring or non stimulating sometimes. Communal living, while not perfect, keeps the residents busier. They have activities, an ice cream parlor in my aunt's SNF, movies, other residents to talk to, attention from nurses, things to complain about, meals to eat together with others, etc.
My mother was always dressed up in Assisted Living and the "mayor" of the place. She loved that. Even in Memory Care her girls dressed her up and put her costume jewelry on her. She put her lipstick and eyebrow pencil on (all over her forehead) and felt compelled to look good (male residents were there!) She wheeled herself into the activity room every day to play the "baby games" and complain about the food. It all kept her alive to 95. So did the care and regular meds, seeing the doctor in the facility ALL the time, etc.
Autonomy is nothing to sneeze at. Truly.