Has anyone found a devastating secret from elderly parents concerning finances?

Why do you and your sister thinks it's a good idea to be hands on caregivers to your parents?

Are you going to be compensated for your time and labor?

Sadly, this is all too common, one child is favored above all others for reasons we never understand.

Mother adored my OB, although he was a waste of space, if you ask me. He wanted for nothing. He didn't have to help out at the house with housework and yardwork b/c he was "a genius" and needed his study time.

He talked my folks into 2nd mortgaging their home to help him start a business which failed epically and quickly. We didn't realize how much he'd taken until it came time to sell the house and holy moly--they should have walked away with $250K and all they got was about $50K. The rest of us sibs have had to step up and help them out from time to time.

I get your anger. TOTALLY OK to feel that way. For me, the part about "don't tell the girls" is the most hurtful.

We did confront mother and dad...simply b/c there was not the money there to pay for the addition to brother's house to add an apartment. The rest of us sibs had to pitch in all the time to help out. YB almost lost his home.

Only you can decide how to approach this. Are mom and dad mentally OK? IF so, then get together (strength in numbers!) and have a frank talk with the folks. They need to STOP the bleed immediately. And brother needs to know. I hope he isn't their POA...

Was this money a GIFT or a LOAN? What do you hope to achieve by airing this dirty laundry? We all pretty much wrote OB off--he was so crazy along with being a mooch. I hadn't talked to him for 12 years when he died. He was not welcome at family parties and not welcome in our homes (he actually would got through our drawers and such, looking for things he could pawn.)

If this money is needed for mom & dad's care, then you probably should consult with an attorney. Honestly, I imagine mom and dad are going to say it was a gift and nothing can be done.

Your brother sounds like a jerk, put mildly.

I know someone who is paying off his father’s credit cards after his death. It’s very sad. His father racked up tons on debt due to his fierce gambling habit. His dad borrowed tons of money off his cards. It has taken the son a lot of time to pay it back.

My father has always favored one of my brothers and bailed him out financially. I’ve learned to live with it. My dad is a good man and father in many other ways, but has always had blinders on where brother is concerned. As far as you letting your parents know what you’ve discovered, you need to decide what you can live with. If you can be at peace with what’s happened, then let it go. If you can’t, then talk to them about it, ask how they plan to make it right especially in light of the fact that you’re there willing to help and brother isn’t. Please recognize that your help isn’t required here, you’re under no obligation to help your parents stay in their home, or do anything to facilitate their lives. Any help from you should come only as a choice because it’s in your heart to do it

Assuming dad is mentally with it, I would confront him - with the pain of his and mom's unfairness and for sure I would talk seriously about their financial future.  I'd make it very clear that you and your sister have been and are willing to help them, but they cannot expect them to finance their favoritism.  I decided to let the favoritism go, because I knew I could not change anything, but the consequences were estrangement from them. Better if I had spoken up frankly, whether it brought change or not.

I feel your anger and frustration, but like Midkid58 stated this is so very common that one child is favour over the others.

My OB was/is my mothers favorite. When my dad passed away (2014) and I moved in (a few yrs later) with her to help her with the house and I also realize that something was not right with her. I found out that she wasn't paying most of the house bills, plus, she was 2.5 yrs behind on the taxes on the house. If that wasn't bad enough she racked up huge amount in credit cards all for the love of my brother. He doesn't work because he is disabled, but I notice that he was wearing 300.00 dollar shoes that she bought. She was spending money she didn't have and here is the cherry on the cake...he was taking my dads tools among other things and pawning them. My mother almost loss the house and my wonderful brother thinks it is my fault. I finally told my brother he was not welcome at the house anymore.

Here is the thing...You can't win. If you and sis attack parents about what they (your parents) gave your OB they will get defensive and I am afraid that it will cause hard feelings all round. However, if you bring it up as a "matter of fact" about what is their financial plan for long term care you "might" get some answers, but I must warn you--you may not like what you hear.

You have to ask yourself what is your objective in telling your parents that you know about them giving your OB that money? What is your end game? I am not sure if it will help you or them! Your parents will just probably make up excuses or tell you that it is none of your business. And I hate to say it, but it is their money and they can do what they want to with it, on the other hand, you have the right to let them deal with the consequences as well!

It totally sucks to be the responsible and caregiver child and to never be appreciated and it never fails that our parents look to us to save them not the one they favour:(

Abby, you said it is not about the money, but the betrayal? Well...isn't it sort of betrayal that your Dad gave you personal papers to shred and you went through them?
I am just saying....
Is it really worth it to bring it up? You truly do not know their reasoning about the matter. They obviously did not want you and your sister to be hurt by the act, but they had their reasons for doing what they did. You still have your parents, relish that fact. Many would trade all the money in the world to have their parents back.
There is no betrayal. It was their money to do with as they pleased. You are hurt because you did not know about it. But, really it was their business, alone.

there is one in every family! My parents have financially supported my brother for the majority of his adult life. I think he’s worked maybe 2 years in his life (he is 36!). They pay for his gas, car insurance, cigarettes and he lives with them for free. He hasn’t worked in over 10 years! And everything in their trust is going to be split 50/50 between us. The only reason I don’t have a problem with that is because our parents are 70, my mom has COPD and other issues and he will eventually be the one taking care of them. Otherwise I would probably be resentful that he’s gotten a free ride his whole life and he still gets half of whatever is left when they are gone.

My MIL gave quite a few gifts to my BIL and SIL, and she didn’t tell anyone. Her former partner is a blabbermouth so....we all found out lol.
she paid for my SIL to go to college, paid for my BIL to go to the police academy ($5k down the toilet, he applied for 1 job, didn’t get hired and Decided not to be a cop) then she paid for him to go to mechanic school. Bought both of them cars outright, SILs was $15k, BILs was $20k. . Gave BIL $6k to pay some bills once. Took out a home equity loan and gave my SIL $90k to put down on a house. Was supposed to be an investment, it was a starter home and SIL was to pay her back years down the road when she sold the house. That was almost 15 years ago and SIL owns the house still (been rented out almost the entire time) and MIL has passed so SIL doesn’t have to repay her debt. Then after SIL and her husband had to short-sale her husband’s house (well their house, but he bought it before he met her), and they wanted to buy another house but needed a ton of cash to put down plus multiple co-signers so MIL co-signed and gave SIL something like $30k to put down. Money had not been paid back by the time MIL died last year. She took my FIL to court for back child support around 2003 and won. His checks were garnished and when he was between jobs he went into arrears. So when he filed his taxes in 2010, the child support dept intercepted his tax return and gave it to MIL, it was around $2k. She gifted it to my BIL. Oh and when my SIL bought her house, the first one, MIL bought her living room furniture, vacuum, and stocked the kitchen with food!

You might be wondering what she gave my husband or did for him over the years. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Never co-signed on anything. Never bought him a car. He paid his own education expenses. Saved his own down payment for his first place. Bought his own furniture. And that’s ok because he’s the most responsible of the 3 and he can say he did everything on his own and bought it all himself. She was never as generous with him. He started working at 15 and bought his first car. His siblings didn’t have to go to work in high school. Don’t know about BIL but she bought SIL a brand new car in high school her senior year, SIL got a part time Kobe and paid for 1/3 of it, MIL paid 2/3 of it. The way the family dynamics were, she always made sure BIL and SIL didn’t go without. My husband had to fend for himself.

Anyway, she DID acknowledge, when she had to get her affairs in order last year, that she had done a lot for his siblings so she gave him her car. It was only a year old, a $34,000 car and we are incredibly grateful for that.

It almost feels to me like the dad gave Abby the papers to shred so that she WOULD find them.

I'm not sure I understand why, if your parents are well off enough to be able to give your brother 6 figure gifts, you are contemplating becoming unpaid hands on caregivers. There is clearly enough money to fund private care. Believe me, you'll be busy enough "managing" their care.

I know there are some folks who will say that this is heartless or mercenary way of looking at things. I would caution you that when you are knee deep in excrement, your resentment of your brother's 200K and your parents' betrayal is going to rankle in a way that is not good for the heart or the soul.

Why would you willingly put yourself in a situation that you know will cause the hurt to fester?

You need to start charging dad (he is as responsible for the gifts as her) and mommy dearest for your expenses on their behalf. Obviously they have some money or they could not have given your brother 200k.

Or did he take their entire retirement?

You will feel less resentful if helping them isn't costing you cold hard cash, just saying.

My brothers always sponged off my parents. Bank of mom and dad was always open. Who took care of mom and dad, me! I am the one who worked two jobs when I needed to so I could avoid being like my brothers.

I am not bashing anyone who truly needs help to get over a hump. I’m talking about wasting money, being irresponsible. Always got under my skin.

Don't sign up for this unless you really want it. Take it from me. It’s a tough job! And it only gets harder.

Abby,
I’m so sorry. Times really haven’t changed that much have they?
Women are still treated as less valuable. The part about “don’t tell the girls” is especially painful.

I, for one, don’t think you did a thing wrong to go through the paperwork before you shredded it.
Anyone with any snap would have done so.

I am sure you won’t care for your parents any differently than before. You weren’t doing what you do for money. There isn’t enough. But it is painful to carry that I’m sure.

It’s confusing though that if there was a note not to tell the girls, who was the note to? If the note was to brother, why would it be in the parents papers? Whose hand writing was it in?

Now, since you are POA, did this happen before your time as POA? Have you taken control of the finances now to stop the bleeding? Maybe this happened many years ago? But if it happened on your watch you need to step up your game.

I, myself, would not stop caring for my parents. You don’t know all the circumstances. No. You weren’t trusted with thrm.

I would tell my brother to not back that truck or trucks up there one more time.
He has more than received his share. All property of any value is needed for their care. I’m sure he wouldn’t be hauling it away to be helpful.

And Abby, the reason you are POA is because they knew they couldn’t trust him.

I know at least two mothers who had favorite kids (both boys, of course), that they spoiled. As soon as they could leave home, they both did, and never treated their moms nicely; one hasn't even called her in years, the other resented his mom's treatment of his brother, and told everyone so; he never liked or respected her; now he's dead, so never will. WHY do parents favor/enable certain kids? It never turns out well for anyone...

Sorry to hear that. You sound like a kind woman, and realistic (damage has been done). You also know already that he was the favored one, just not realizing to that $$ degree. idk, there's many ways to handle it I'm sure, but the "most decent" way I can think of is to move forward - be "right" and take care of yourselves (for taking care of them) and your brother....I would exclude his right to any more of the finances. Maybe a simple, "sorry bro, but as I understand it, you've already received your share/inheritance (etc). the rest is to take care of mom & dad, and some for me and your sister for taking care of them. Maybe after they pass away there'll be something left to share." You're not going to change family dynamics at this point, and it's not going to help to retaliate. Your the POA? Good. I'd just make sure you are truly in control of finances from now on. If it's financially necessary to tell them, ok then do. If not, then I'd say no, unless there's that "right time" to make mention without a lot of fanfare about it. It does hurt, but only if you let it. They are who they are (& your bro) - be who you are. Don't let your emotions get the best of your brain. (btw that's what the couple I cared for did -1 son got his inheritance decades before the others. Found out in the paperwork and a letter. This son never let on that that is what his parents did). Hugs. God bless.

Abby, in answer to your question in the title of your post, no, I personally have not found out a devastating secret in dealing with a parent's finances, but if I DID I would:

Ask a trusted friend, medical professional or clergy person TODAY for a referral to a skillful, compassionate therapist to begin meeting with me as soon as possible to help me work through my feelings of complete betrayal and profound hurt. If I had lived all my life thinking I had loving, kind parents and found out this wasn't the case, my world would be rocked, regardless of the dollar amount going to bro.

Determine with legal assistance if necessary what the gifting might mean for future care and what your parents' finances will cover.

Simply be unavailable for hands-on caregiving. Let bro and his wife do it. If I was in this situation and still felt that I and the other less favored child were somehow obligated to pretend nothing happened, stuff down our feelings, and look forward to all that elder caregiving can entail (browse this forum for the highlights), I would book more therapy.

I should add that a relative of mine was in a somewhat situation, with a ne-er-do-well brother who had received very large sums over the years to keep him afloat, in a way that that was plain for all to see. My relative's husband insisted that the parents' will be changed to reflect the amounts the brother had already received, and it was.

What a silly question. He is the male child. The one who will carry the family name into the future. The Golden Child and probably the most useless

Anyway. If you have POA does it include financial POA. If not get and if so use it

have cheques books and any withdrawals I two signatures. No ATM. Card

keep everthing to do with any money they gave to him or goods bought for him
make a spreadsheet containing all information like dates. Amounts receipts descriptions and such to produce when the will is read and request part if not all the money be deducted from his share

once the new banking arrangements are in place inform your brother he won’t be getting another dime

Over how much time? And from when to when, roughly?

When you say you and your sister have been helping your parents to stay in their home, do you mean with hard currency? Or with practical and moral support?

With your mother's injury and your father's beginning to seek your help, there will soon come a time when proper financial planning needs to happen. At that point, there will need to be a summary of their financial history, and 200K is not something you can just stick under "miscellaneous" and politely skip over. But it is very important to focus on the facts that need to be known, and avoid getting into the emotions of the thing.

If there have been recent large gifts it could become a problem you will need to address with your brother together with your parents - because, basically, he'll have to give it back. But if it's all ancient history and a tale of your parents (my instincts say: your mother) being incredibly nice to the son they wanted to enjoy a lifestyle of the rich and famous... then you're entitled to draw your own conclusions and form your own opinions, but don't let it stand in the way of how you want things to go from here.

Would you like your brother to acknowledge that he has some explaining to do?

Abby, just to clear up this little loose end - have you or your sister subsidised your parents with actual money?

[I know time is money, but it doesn't show on your bank statement. I'm asking just about the cash].

Sorry, also this loose end:

"Brother is 49.....and the only one with a good retirement from working on the police force for 20 years before getting fired."

In terms of black-and-white figures, do you mean that your brother is now more financially secure than either you or your sister? How do your circumstances compare?

Abby2008

I spent a day fuming about your situation - it would really bother me. That being said - some thoughts.

1) Anything "gifted" over 5 years ago will not penalize your parents when they need Medicaid - assuming they will at some time for nursing home. Anything gifted WITHIN that time will result in a penalty period where Medicaid will not pay. How much money has been gifted in the past five years? Is there a way to recover that?

2) If you have financial POA - the tap needs to be shut off NOW!!! My sister is in a similar situation with her MIL - Responsible Son (my BIL), and two irresponsible sons who have been tapping into MIL retirement pension from teaching and who basically sucked up her $150K reverse mortgage. NOW she is 81 and needs nursing home care - which costs much more than her income. Because of her gifting - Medicaid will not pay for her nursing home for about 40 months. So...... she has the ground floor room at my sister's house and my sister and her SIL basically care for her 24/7. Of course other brothers are no where to be found AND they have started to mooch off my BIL who likes to look like the hero - and is now paying their car insurance, little nieces orthodontic care etc.

3) now you have to decide what you are willing to do - how much will resentment impact your caring for mom and dad? I'd recommend taking a hard look at what  you are still willing to do out of love. More than that - giving up significant amounts of time and any money - if it causes resentment to flare up - nix it. Your mom and dad will find other ways to get things done OR do the sensible thing finally and move. Why give up significant parts of your life if you will just be angry about it? Do what will make you  happy and you find rewarding.

Good luck to you

"Since my mom broke her hip and is in assisted living my dad wants to pare down the house..." then you say "They have enough in savings where they could move to AL, but mom remains adamant to stay in place..." I'm confused. Is your mom in AL or not?

If your dad wants to pare down the house then help your dad do that and then figure out what he wants to do next. Does he want to sell the house and move to AL?

You have POA but that does NOT entitle you to decide how he spends *his* money. What you are entitled to is deciding what you will do for your parents and what you will not do for your parents in terms of caregiving.

You also are under no obligation to enable your parents with free caregiving services so that they can "save" their money and give their children equal inheritances.

H'm. How nice is the rehab place she's in? And is it attached to a more extensive facility? How long do you expect her to be there?

I was just thinking; if she likes it there and she's nicely taken care of, what about spinning out her stay in the convalescent wing for a little longer. Being waited on by helpful, friendly staff might be something she decides she could get used to :)

Well, I don't know if it is favoritism or just brother told a hard luck story with tears...
that's what happened with me. My brother gave my dad the "oh poor me they did this to me, they won't give me this, I can't afford that," however he had enough money to eat out three times a day, drive a massive jeep everyday, go see his friends daily, have a great computer, cell phone, and notebook, travel to see his kids... yet living under my dads roof he couldn't pay rent or actually 1/3 of the bills which he rang up. So when I got hold of the mess... I said money or out... he gave me the poor me story and I gave him information regarding low income housing... food stamps... etc... 2 years of trying to help him... found out he threw away the information I had printed out for him, he contacted no one. He didn't try to help himself. Well long story longer... I threatened eviction and the sheriff and wow... gone in 10 days... interesting... obviously hasn't talked to me since. (I know he's fine through my Niece)
As far as getting the money back you can kiss it goodbye... however you can try the Mom and Dad are no longer financially secure and will need all of us to chip in and pay bills/care/facility. Your part is $X amount. We are all paying. You could get it, you could not.
blessings
hgnhgn

You have a choice here, Abby.

You do not HAVE to care for your mentally ill mother in her home. You can talk to the discharge planning people and tell them that there is no one but your poor old dad to care for mom at home and THAT clearly is NOT enough care.

You do not have to give up your life to care for your mom in her home. Look, I loved my mom, she wasn't mentally ill and didn't distribute funds unfairly to my siblings. There is still no way on earth that I would have abandoned my life to move in with her and provide hands one care. Because it wouldn't have been good enough care. She needed and deserved professional care.

Think this out carefully.

Well, Abby, only you and your sister can decide whether or not you will continue to be taken advantage of. That's what I think is happening.

Why not let your brother and his wife do the caregiving?

Oh well, just a thought. She probably will be more mobile than before, if the surgery went well. Unless she breaks her other hip ho ho ho - God forbid, but you can't help sometimes wishing that something would slow 'em down a bit.

HOW they chose to help their individual children in the past it is not your business to criticise.

What has happened, though, the facts and realities, ARE your business on a need-to-know basis. In order to fulfil the responsibilities they asked you to shoulder when they gave you POA, you have to be in possession of accurate information. They didn't tell you about all this when it happened because a) you'd be upset b) you'd try to stop them and/or c) you'd demand the same. Well, now you do know. But that doesn't mean you have to react in exactly the way they feared you would.

Manifestly unequal treatment, such as has taken place, is such a thorny issue. Your parents didn't give you the financial support they have given your brother and now his children (I would certainly want a closer look at that); but then you, presumably, were not a walking disaster area. There may be blessings you and your sister can count that far outweigh anything your parents could have done to rescue you after you'd crashed and burned. Twice. And again.

What professional financial advice are they taking now about how to manage the rest of their retirement years and their care? They've made wills, have they?

So Abby, your MOTHER may not view it through that lens, but....

What about YOUR lens? Does YOUR lens matter here? Have you ever told your mom "No, I can't possibly do that."?

It's called setting boundaries. It's healthy for everyone.

Just to add insult to injury--

Mother had told me over and over to go ahead and read her will, I could not have cared less, since she has literally nothing, thanks to OB ripping her off.

One day I was at her place to pick her up for something and I had about an hour to wait, so I thought "fine, I'll read the will."

Boring as all get out, BUT even tho OB had stolen from her and daddy for years, he still stood to inherit 1/6th of the "estate". Whatever. THEN I find a handwritten paper and written on it is the statement "B owes the trust $1500. R owes the trust $6000". Bear in mind that R almost LOST HIS HOME b/c of the expenses incurred that dad and mother should have paid for the addition--and I have no clue WHAT I did that makes them think I owe them $1500.

I don't think R knows about this and I am not going to tell him.

Called my son (an attorney) and he let me know this is not legal, so it doesn't stand, and it's what they call, for lack of better wording is a posthumous "FU". VERY hurtful and mean. All I have ever done is take care of my folks--and when dad was in Hospice, I was the only sib, along with YB who even helped out.

Yeah--families and money. What a mess.

I can't help but feel mother wanted me to see that "document" and then argue with her about it. I felt like writing a check for $1500 and attaching it to the paper, and someday maybe I will.

If YB knew this existed, tho it's not legal----he'd lose his mind.

People need to think ahead and realize that sometimes their whole lives "remembrances" will come down to a sad feeling that you were not good enough for them. I'll never know what I did to incur the debt. I DO know I have paid out far more than that towards her care over 22 years.