My wife is POA for my mother in law. Both medical and financial. My mother in law was recently diagnosed with moderate to severe dementia. My sister in law lives with her and has been coercing her financially and emotionally. We had a televisit with my mother inlaws doctor, and the sister came into the room and hijacked the medical appointment. She was speaking for my MIL and the doctor was so concerned by it he contacted APS.
Long story short, my sister in law is abusing my MIL both financially and emotionally. She can no longer live with her mom. We are taking steps to evict her and she has nowhere to go. Legally, she cannot live with my MIL anymore.
My wifes family are siding with my sister in law and demanding that she be given access to my mother in law's finances. My MIL is on social security. What they are asking is super illegal, wife has cancelled my mother in laws credit card to protect her. My sister in law is manipulating the extended family into siding with her. What she's doing is extremely cruel to my 87 year old MIL. She has to go.
How do we break it to my wife's family that the sister will be evicted to protect my MIL? They are unwilling to accept the gravity of the situation. My wife is super depressed because she will be the bad guy in the situation, but all she is doing is protecting her mom from abuse, and she is legally obligated to do so. Once my Sister in law is out, we will move in to care for the mom.
Any advise on how to deal with my inlaws in this situation would be greatly appreciated. It's weighing very heavily on my wife.
Your wife is POA and now in control. She has to get that attitude. She can tell her sister nothing about Moms finances. Sister should have never had access to Moms money. If she is using Moms SS on herself, thats illegal.
You should request a restraining order when you do the eviction. She could potentially be dangerous and she has already proven she she will do damage and blame your wife.
I can understand why the rest of the family is against her being evicted, they're afraid she'll ask to live in their home and nobody wants a mentally unstable house mate.
I, personally, would not stay at my mom's house with a batchit crazy sister angry and evicted on the loose, not without a firearm and my husband or others there. This is Dateline stuff if you're not careful.
Having said this, I just read some of these replies to her, and we agree for the most part. Realistically, my mother in law is fading pretty quickly. We don't anticipate she will live much longer than another year. She has a gorgeous house and it's worth quite a bit of money - just over $1 mil. It would sell for enough to pay for a couple years of care if necessary, and still have a nice inheritance for my wife and her two siblings. Perhaps this is the logical way to go. Appreciate all the realistic feedback
The sister should move out still, give her ample time to relocate. If she was there as a caregiver,her job is done. It's not about her,it's about what's good for MIL. This is the stuff that divides family, it happens a lot! Unless they live with the loved ones, they'll never understand. It's very logical not to put yourselves into the situation, MIL will be safe and cared for. I always laughed and told my mom she was getting the royal treatment, waited on hand and foot! And I was relieved from the stress, don't feel bad, you deserve to have peace of mind.
Don't forget to stop and breathe when it gets overwhelming.
I wish you the best in your new adventures! That goes for MIL,too!
We both took the day off from work. I contacted several memory care places where she could live semi independently, and we decided on one that gets super good reviews. I spoke to the executive director and told her what the situation is and she expedited things and we are going there today to talk with them. Our goal is to get MIL out of the house today, even if my wife has to go to a hotel with her for a few days in the interim. Having said that, we will see if we can get her placed TODAY.
Then we will talk with a realtor and tomorrow we will go to the courthouse and start the eviction. But getting mom out ASAP is priority because we don't want APS to step in
I would like to thank this forum for all the wonderful advise. Our anxiety is starting to lift
Your wife is POA so other avenues are open to you. Wife makes the decision to evict SIL and does it. Wife finds and completes admission to memory care facility, where mom will have 24/7 care, friends, activities, and a team of caring aides to look after her. Wife sells mom's house and uses proceeds to pay for memory care. The money that's left becomes mom's estate when she passes.
Mom chose your wife as POA because she has the qualities that mom thought would make her a good one. The clacking and clamoring of all the relatives is nothing, and wife has to start realizing that she is doing what mom wanted, there is nothing wrong with that no matter how many relatives object, and she kindly tells the family so. If she's worried about a nuclear reaction from said family, this discussion can take place in a lawyer's office where the lawyer explains to everyone. Money for the lawyer comes out of mom's accounts, not yours. This would be the best and most professional way to handle this, IMO.
In other words, wife has the power. She seizes it instead of crying her eyes out over a family rift. Some meds for depression mught be in order as well.
Now go read why you shouldn't move in with mom.
The home that mom is currently in should be placed on the market and sold. If her sibling wish to purchase it to give your SIL a place to live that is up to them.
The house is to be sold for FAIR MARKET VALUE. No "friends and Family discount"
The money then should be used to place your MIL in a memory Care facility.
any other assets MIL has will be used to pay for her care while. After she dies any assets remaining to be used to pay off debts she has and then and only then will the executor distribute what remain to the heirs..
Your wife is in a tough position.
Support her. Tell her that she is making all the right and more importantly legal decisions.
As tough as it is if necessary she can limit visitation when your MIL is in Memory Care. She can either prohibit visits or allow visits with supervision.
Once mom is in the apartment, and furnishings moved, we will tell the rest of the family. We have backing of doctors and others. This is the plan.
The facility reminds me of a nice hotel. She can go to the dining room, which is basically a restaurant, and order food whenever she wants. She can order food delivered to her room if she so chooses. We will be month to month the first three months. If MIL doesn't like it, we can find another place without financial penalty. It's a good deal. Appreciate all the help folks.
Well done to you and your wife. Hugs for her, I know having to play hardball is hard for her, give her a big warm hug - everyday!
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