Its not what I thought it would be, She's not the Mother I thought she was. She's a different person. My husband wanted her to move in with us because she kept falling. I was so grateful for his actions. And now he's saying if only he knew we would have thought of other options. She's never satisfied, complains all the time and most of all treats me like I'm a child. Talks down to us sometimes, makes fun of us at times and make snide remarks about him to me and me to him. I have to explain to her where I'm going, what am I doing, who am I talking to on the phone. I'm 67 years old and husband is 70 I think we are a long ways from being kids. I haven't lived with my Mother since age 19 and I don't like getting permission to go somewhere like the gym, grocery shopping or whatever the case maybe. In addition she doesn't do anything but stay in her room or come out for food. 95% of the time I have to serve her meals to her on a tray and walk back and forth with things she has requested. She doesn't want to open up her own bottles of water, sodas or anything. I have to open bags of potato chips and poor some in a napkin. Run all her errands wash the same clothes every 4-5 days. whew! This is my second year of retirement and i didn't retire to do this. Have raised my 3 children which are adults and have their own lives. I'm not a selfish person but I'm really trying to put her somewhere else so that we can enjoy our lives at our age as she did when she was our age. This is her second year here and I'm exhausted already. Although I express my concerns to my husband and confide in him, I'm sure I'm wearing him out even though he says I'm not. But this feels good to hear that other people/caregivers are going through the same thing and feel the same way. Thanks for hearing me and please share any advice you have!
Remind her you and DH are Seniors and don't need to tell her everywhere your going and what your doing or get permission. You can tell her you don't appreciate how she talks to you and DH and its got to stop. Gray rock her when she gets started. If she is able to do something, then she does it. Respect goes both ways. Right now she needs you more than you need her. Roles reverse, she becomes the child, you the parent. She is not in controll here.
Seems like you never had a good relationship with Mom. If you had come to this forum before you took her in, we would have told you to find her a nice Assisted Living. If she has the money, I would find a nice one for her. If she doesn't, then I am not pasted threatening to place her in LTC with Medicaid paying. Tell her she is lucky you took her in and you will not repeat the last two years. She must change her attitude and expectations if she wants to remain living with you. Don't do this when your mad. Just sit down look her in the eye and firmly tell her she needs to change to remain in your home.
Does MIL have any savings? You could look into residential care homes, where she would get all the attention you are giving her, by people who are paid to do so.
She might be able to live in an Assisted Living Community. She won't be served in her room, but she can have meals in a common dining room, laundry service, and activities with other seniors. Additional care would be tailored to her needs.
And, WHY are you running around doing everything she asks of you? Maybe you wouldn't mind living with your MIL if your husband took over all the tasks!
He is putting way too much pressure on you if he is not stepping up to take on all the challenges of taking care of his live-in mom.
And who says you have to check in with her and tell her where you're going and what you're doing? You are putting this burden on yourself. You do not have to explain any part of your life to her.
Honestly, all that you have described doesn't sound that bad to me. She just sounds like a normal 95 yr old mom, interested in sharing your life and getting help with small things. I think you are just annoyed with having her in your space all the time. It is a huge adjustment to have someone living with you.
And in the meantime just go about your business as if she isn't there. No asking permission, no justifications. You don't "have to" put her meals on a tray; put them on the table and expect her to come to the table and eat like an adult. If she doesn't, she can get her leftover meal out of the refrigerator when she gets hungry. If she has more than five days worth of clothes, let her wear the extras, or do her own laundry if she's capable. If she says anything rude don't respond or engage, just ignore her. No need to respond in a snappy way, just end the conversation and go about your business as if she wasn't there. In other words, if she wants to act like a toddler, you can treat her like one.
Again, the priority is to move her out. I hope you can get that done soon. Let us know how things go.
Give mother 30 days to change her ways or off she goes to senior living. Period. This is NOT what you signed up for, to be a slave to her, waiting on her hand and foot!! Stop doing so immediately. She's a big girl now and can come out of her room to fix her own snacks and drinks, including meals eaten together. We didn't even do this for our children or grandchildren, why do it for lazy entitled mothers??
Lay down the law and stop doing all this slave labor for her starting today. Show her how to use the washer and dryer too. Laying around like a slug all day will cause her muscles to atrophy.
Good luck to you.
I'm hoping you are her PoA and she has her other paperwork in order. Your home is her legal residence, so if she resists you may not be able to extricate her without an eviction process if you aren't her PoA.
I wish you success and a better retirement going forward.