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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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1. Buy the book and the workbook, Stop Walking on Eggshells.
2. Visit BPD Resource Center and join one of their support groups. http://bpdresourcecenter.org/
3. Get a therapist who is knowledgable about BPD who can help you in carring for your parent.
My MIL is an undiagnosed BPD and my mother has undiagnosed Narcissitic Personality Disorder. There are others in my family, but I don't feel like identifying them currently.
Self-care, therapy, boundaries, not getting hoovered into their F.O.G, i.e. Fear Obligation and Guilt by which they pull you into the Land of OZ.
And if your forget everything else, remember these four things and get them down deep into the core of your being.
1. You did not cause their personality disorder!
2. You cannot control their personality disorder!
3. You can't fix their personality disorder!
4. What you can do is chose a health path for yourself, make sure the parent with the BPD is taken care of and safe. Come to the conclusion that if they choose to get on a healthier path, then good, but if not then stay on your healthy path because that is good also.
A person like that also has the incredible ability to totally blow you away over some irrational, but then turn around forget what they just did (well they were out of their head) and then be so sluripy nice it is downright sickening.
There are only two types of men who stayed married to someone who has borderline personlaity disorder. 1. The passive dependent but obedient mamma's boy. 2. The man who sets boundaries and follows through with consequences which actually gets her attention which then leads her to get help, go to therapy, participate in DBT and acutally use those tools to handle their emotional dissregulation; and stay on those medications along with remaining in therapy for the rest of their life.On top of that the man gets therapy also and if their are any children they get therapy. Some borderlines are particularly attracted to strong Christian men who they are sure will take care of them, are probably strong enough to take their crap, and oh they are Christians, thus they are to be very forgiving, patient, selfless, thinking of others more than themselves for Jesus taught take up your cross, deny yourself and loose your life for my sake and I can use the Bible to keep them under my control.
Sound stupid? Nope because I think this is very similar to the control games elderly parents with personalitiy disorders who've masked their disorders in the church have done or are doing to their adult children who are probably genuine Christians and can't see through the abuse taking place in the name of Christ under a very sick application of dying to self and loosing your life or have no greater love than to lay down your life for another which destroys the adult child's marriage, their relationships with their children, kills their friendships and ruins their career, health, finances, etc. Such, is a sick miuse of religion by people with sick personality disorders.
Thanks Crowe - haven't read that book but have read others - think I have given up walking on eggshells/ I am finding the more honest I am the better it works, I previously joined BPDcentral - I diagnosed her unofficially years ago, Therapists here come and go - currently haven't found a good one, I see you understand through personal experience the difficulties this disorder brings to a family. Thanks for emphasizing the self -care. I have just had to step back and focus on that again. I have had to re-examine my role and boundaries as my mother becomes more and more difficult but also more needing of help.The four points are well taken. Generally I take pretty good care of myself but things got out of hand recently -had to pull the plug and regroup. Do we ever strike the right balance for long?
I was drowning with my mom, in way over my head, and didn't know it. She did everything she could think to sabotage everything, and almost did, but God cast out the scorner. She is still quite destructive, but I can't help that! Now, she has a new PG, and that is working toward restoring my mental health. The anxiety I had is lessening. Thank God! I have chosen to walk away, since someone else is in charge. Much as I'd like to stay engaged, it is not in my best interest to do so. Ever heard the book "People of the Lie," by M.Scott Peck? Wow! And I highly recommend the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book as well. HIGHLY! It changed my understanding of mom's mental illness, and how it was affecting me and my family. Now, I just not take those phone calls. We are starting to have a life again, and instead of being hostages, we are becoming free, as we used to be. Dad's Alzheimer's doesn't bother me near as bad as mom's NPD/BPD/OCD/GAD/COPD/etc. They, and she were assassinating me gradually. Now I can almost breathe. I remember somebody on here telling me to RUN! Run! Run! Too bad I didn't know to listen, but God was, and he helped me. Setting boundaries is the thing they hate the worst. I did and caused all kinds of grief to myself. But, it was also absolutely a necessity, and the only way to go! Wish I'd learned that sooner. Most importantly, take care of yourself!!!
Hi -- Here are a couple of useful phrases -- they all use the technique of setting limits with others. Borderlines benefit most when they have strict limits set for them. And their targets for abuse (you, the caregiver) need to know what your own limits are and what you expect from your abuser. So here are the phrases:
This is not an emergency. I am working on your other issue/emergency/request and you will have to wait until I have time. Or, which emergency do you want to address first? If you want me to help you, (name your limit) is what I can realistically do for you. If you want me to help you, then I need (name what it is you expect from them -- respect, appreciation, keeping their criticisms to themselves). It (name the issue) is your choice (name it).
Back to you, the caregiver: It is also *your* choice whether or not to help her. If she doesn't want your help, or doesn't appreciate it, or abuses you, hand her the phone number for senior services in the area, or help her make the call. Then you can walk away in good conscience. It will be her choice whether or not to accept those services. Most of all, when you feel overwhelmed, STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING IMMEDIATELY. Read over the above tips. She is not your emergency. BP's are highly intelligent and extremely manipulative. They know how to work you and it's up to you to manage them, and therefore yourself, better. So be prepared to suggest that they call their doctor, their social service worker, their spiritual advisor, or whoever is the proper person who can handle their issue. Good luck!
I heard a very accurate statement in a pastor's prayer one time, "and we pray for those who do not think they have any needs for they have the greatest needs of all."
I would think if you could tape any of her episodes it would help. I don't know what the person said regarding calling 911, but if you call them and tell them that your mother is in a rage and has physically assaulted you in the past enough for you to get medical help for yourself, and also just recently. if that is what you mean by attacking you -then I would think they should come. Doesn't your counsellor and your doctor advise you how to get help? (((((hugs)))))
Hopefully I was going to call an ambulance one time because the husband got our CNA so upset talking about sucide and I call my son and asked him what I should do and he said if they came and he would not want to go with them-which he would not have and did not seem to be a danger to himself or others-he could turn on the charm- they would not take him and it would be a waste of time for everyone so I did not but did tell our Pastor the next day and he and the Elder came to see him and talked to him-of course he denied the whole thing. He was a good actor he once told his doc he would never hurt himself but in fact cried sucide all the time to get his own way-as did his mother-he had an uncle who did commit sucide and died.
As usuall Emjo gave a very wise answer-you should not be expected to handle this out of bounds person -she sounds like a nut case -I do not mean to be cruel but she really needs to be placed ASAP.
Dear Austin and Emjo, Thank you so much for your kind words. In this city, NPD and BPD seem to be top-secret disorders. A few lovely people believe me and are supportive, but many others have verbally attacked me and vilified me for daring to speak ill of my "dear sweet" mother. So, my NPD mother has managed to cut me off from many to cut me off from many, many people. Her family , as well as my father’s, top the list. She even got them to not invite me to a big family wedding. Although she had managed this trick with certain family friends, I was really stunned when the closest relatives I had, made sure I wasn’t invited. My mother was especially gleeful to ride to the wedding with some of my neighbors who were also invited. Looks like they’re really invested in being nasty because the neighbor told me last week that the bride, my cousin, is pregnant. Family is the f-word in my life and I do not consider them relatives anymore. Some of them coach her on how to be nasty to me. They are trying to teach the master. I can tell because she has never been creative before. How do you get someone placed when her family chooses to ignore all of the signs, and the so-called professional community chooses not to recognize the disorder?
There is good news , more crazy stories, and a request for ideas coming soon. Please stay tuned. I plan to get back tomorrow. It's way too late and I must sleep.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
2. Visit BPD Resource Center and join one of their support groups.
http://bpdresourcecenter.org/
3. Get a therapist who is knowledgable about BPD who can help you in carring for your parent.
My MIL is an undiagnosed BPD and my mother has undiagnosed Narcissitic Personality Disorder. There are others in my family, but I don't feel like identifying them currently.
Self-care, therapy, boundaries, not getting hoovered into their F.O.G, i.e. Fear Obligation and Guilt by which they pull you into the Land of OZ.
And if your forget everything else, remember these four things and get them down deep into the core of your being.
1. You did not cause their personality disorder!
2. You cannot control their personality disorder!
3. You can't fix their personality disorder!
4. What you can do is chose a health path for yourself, make sure the parent with the BPD is taken care of and safe. Come to the conclusion that if they choose to get on a healthier path, then good, but if not then stay on your healthy path because that is good also.
There are only two types of men who stayed married to someone who has borderline personlaity disorder. 1. The passive dependent but obedient mamma's boy. 2. The man who sets boundaries and follows through with consequences which actually gets her attention which then leads her to get help, go to therapy, participate in DBT and acutally use those tools to handle their emotional dissregulation; and stay on those medications along with remaining in therapy for the rest of their life.On top of that the man gets therapy also and if their are any children they get therapy. Some borderlines are particularly attracted to strong Christian men who they are sure will take care of them, are probably strong enough to take their crap, and oh they are Christians, thus they are to be very forgiving, patient, selfless, thinking of others more than themselves for Jesus taught take up your cross, deny yourself and loose your life for my sake and I can use the Bible to keep them under my control.
Sound stupid? Nope because I think this is very similar to the control games elderly parents with personalitiy disorders who've masked their disorders in the church have done or are doing to their adult children who are probably genuine Christians and can't see through the abuse taking place in the name of Christ under a very sick application of dying to self and loosing your life or have no greater love than to lay down your life for another which destroys the adult child's marriage, their relationships with their children, kills their friendships and ruins their career, health, finances, etc. Such, is a sick miuse of religion by people with sick personality disorders.
This is not an emergency. I am working on your other issue/emergency/request and you will have to wait until I have time. Or, which emergency do you want to address first?
If you want me to help you, (name your limit) is what I can realistically do for you.
If you want me to help you, then I need (name what it is you expect from them -- respect, appreciation, keeping their criticisms to themselves).
It (name the issue) is your choice (name it).
Back to you, the caregiver: It is also *your* choice whether or not to help her. If she doesn't want your help, or doesn't appreciate it, or abuses you, hand her the phone number for senior services in the area, or help her make the call. Then you can walk away in good conscience. It will be her choice whether or not to accept those services. Most of all, when you feel overwhelmed, STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING IMMEDIATELY. Read over the above tips. She is not your emergency. BP's are highly intelligent and extremely manipulative. They know how to work you and it's up to you to manage them, and therefore yourself, better. So be prepared to suggest that they call their doctor, their social service worker, their spiritual advisor, or whoever is the proper person who can handle their issue. Good luck!
I heard a very accurate statement in a pastor's prayer one time, "and we pray for those who do not think they have any needs for they have the greatest needs of all."
I would think if you could tape any of her episodes it would help. I don't know what the person said regarding calling 911, but if you call them and tell them that your mother is in a rage and has physically assaulted you in the past enough for you to get medical help for yourself, and also just recently. if that is what you mean by attacking you -then I would think they should come. Doesn't your counsellor and your doctor advise you how to get help? (((((hugs)))))
Thank you so much for your kind words. In this city, NPD and BPD seem to be top-secret disorders. A few lovely people believe me and are supportive, but many others have verbally attacked me and vilified me for daring to speak ill of my "dear sweet" mother.
So, my NPD mother has managed to cut me off from many to cut me off from many, many people. Her family , as well as my father’s, top the list. She even got them to not invite me to a big family wedding. Although she had managed this trick with certain family friends, I was really stunned when the closest relatives I had, made sure I wasn’t invited. My mother was especially gleeful to ride to the wedding with some of my neighbors who were also invited. Looks like they’re really invested in being nasty because the neighbor told me last week that the bride, my cousin, is pregnant.
Family is the f-word in my life and I do not consider them relatives anymore. Some of them coach her on how to be nasty to me. They are trying to teach the master. I can tell because she has never been creative before.
How do you get someone placed when her family chooses to ignore all of the signs, and the so-called professional community chooses not to recognize the disorder?
There is good news , more crazy stories, and a request for ideas coming soon. Please stay tuned. I plan to get back tomorrow. It's way too late and I must sleep.
Thank you,
Hopefully
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