My 89 yo mother has gone downhill over the past year and is now entirely incapable of doing much without help. I try to empower her to do as much as she can. Her mobility has been an issue but her executive functioning is way worse. Over the past several months, she has lied to me and my sister on many occasions. She has deceived a caregiver into bringing her ice cream when she is not supposed to eat it or she will end up in the Emergency room. Please don't tell me to let her eat ice cream. I need help understanding her lies about it. When I ask why she lies to me she says she doesn't know. When I tell her that if she gets neighbors and visitors to bring her ice cream behind my back, it's ME that has to stay up all night with her and I'm too old for that. She apologizes but I have my doubts as to the sincerity of the apology. Why does she lie? Is this a strange aspect of dementia?
YOU need to instruct hired Caregivers as to what they need to do. What mom can have to eat. They are to follow YOUR instructions not your mom's.
You must also tell your/ her neighbors that she is not to be given...and give them a list of things that she should not have. OR make it REAL easy and just tell the neighbors that they can no longer bring or give her ANY food.
According to your profile mom lives alone. What plans are in place to get mom the help she may already need? Are her caregivers 24/7?
As far as you 'understanding her lies about it', lying goes with the territory with dementia and is also known as confabulation. They start creating stories to fit the scenario that's going on in THEIR minds. My mother has advanced dementia and thinks my son (who's 36) is a baby and she's his babysitter. So she makes up stories that she has to come over to my house to babysit him at 6 pm b/c my husband and I are 'going to the movies' and he needs a sitter. No matter what I say to her, SHE believes she's right and I'm wrong. Is she 'lying' to me? Not really; she's suffering dementia and truly believes the scenario she's made up in her mind. It's not her fault she's got a broken brain, either, but it DOES irritate me that I keep having to deal with her stories and her screaming and carrying on about HER reality and what she THINKS is going on all the time. It's a no-win situation for ALL concerned, dementia is, and it sucks. No matter how I try to convince her of the truth about certain things, it falls on deaf ears and she's convinced of the lies she's made up in her own mind, ie: that her siblings are all alive (they're all dead) and have just abandoned her and won't speak to her anymore. I'd love to be able to convince her otherwise, but it ain't happenin. When dementia is present, they get an idea stuck in their head and it cannot be chopped out of there with an AXE. #Truth
Go to Alz.org and read up about dementia (they talk about Alzheimer's but it's all pretty much the same thing) and pick up a copy of The 36 Hour Day which is a great reference book on the subject. It will answer a lot of questions for you about what to do in certain situations. Also watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube; she's a dementia expert who's funny & entertaining as well as extremely informative on how to get a stubborn dementia sufferer to do what you NEED them to do.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Dementia is truly a hateful and horrible disease which I hate with every ounce of my being.
Here's the issue: if you set up a rule system that someone finds intolerable, she will try to get round it. Wouldn't you?
I suggest you find an acceptable alternative to the forbidden ice cream. You don't say what the medical problem with it is, but there are so many good quality substitutes on the market for so many different dietary restrictions that surely you can find her a safe treat.
Your mother is 89 years old. Her poor diet has got her this far, so it seems very unlikely that her health issues are all attributable to that over and above her advanced age.
She just wants some control over her life, and she doesn't have the competence to understand the whys of how ice cream will make her sick. You need to make it clear to her co-conspirators that she absolutely cannot have ice cream and HERE'S WHY. Those are the people for whom logic and reasoning will work. Simply bypass Mom completely on this discussion.
Can she have any of what I call "weeds and bushes" ice cream -- made of soy or some other non-dairy thing, or is the sugar part of the issue? Try to find at least some kind of treat that she would like, because life's no fun if you're stuck eating brussels sprouts and broccoli.
Getting in front of the behavior -- as best you can -- seems a better approach than responding to your mom's decline by trying to change her understanding afterwards, or you accepting/coping with it. If you can preclude some challenges that come up in the future then you save yourself the wear-and-tear of chasing after them. Acceptance of some things would help -- like accepting that your mom is doing what her broken brain tells her to do.
"Due to serious health issues, no ice cream is allowed in this house. Thank you for understanding".