Our father has Parkinson's and dementia and our mother has had a stroke and still in the hospital. Our mother was the caregiver for our father, but can no longer take care of herself, let alone him. He has moved to respite care, while we see how our mother recovers. Her recovery is not going well. We hoped they could move to assisted living together when she was discharged, but we now think that she'll need to be in long term care since she can't do anything independently. Since our father got sick 3yrs ago, our lives have turned upside down. Now with our mother also very ill, our lives are even more chaotic. We're running back and forth between them, getting what they need, making decisions, and lots of worrying. How do other caregivers deal with the burnout? My friends don't even know what to say anymore, because it's just a constant stress. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
The same goes for your Dad: he may need only AL for now so should go into a good, local facility that has a continuum of care levels and accepts Medicaid. Both parents can be in the same facility.
If your parents have assigned PoAs (and hopefully it is no each other only), then this person or people need to read their PoA document to see what activates their authority. They will need this to deal with any of their financial institutions. Medical institutions are less strict.
It will all be very hard and exhausting and then it will become better once permanent care is in place. I wish you success in reaching that point soon!
Does anyone have their POAs?
Not meaning to blame anyone here, because it has been an all-around frazzling situation. But others should take note that when couples insist on staying home with one taking care of the other, it can cause physical harm. Your mother may have had the stroke anyhow, but she may not have, if they had gone to AL together earlier.
I'm truly sorry you're in this stressful situation. I hope you can find solutions and appropriate placement for both of them. Not sure who "we" is, but if it's siblings, I hope you can do this cooperatively without too much disagreement. Let us know how things go. Be careful not to burn yourself out any further in the process (easier said than done, I know).
Believe me, my story is no less trying; my husband suffered a massive stroke at the age of 53. Up to that point, we were very active and enjoyed a lot of road trips and adventures together. Then, all of a sudden, he couldn't walk or talk or eat. Bam! It happens. We try and figure it out. We will make mistakes along the way, and hopefully learn from them. It's no wonder caregivers suffer from stress and burnout! You're trying to manage too much on your own, and it has become more than you can comfortably keep up with.
You might benefit from a geriatric care manager. That is someone who coordinates the cares your parents need, taking a lot off your plate.
I'm so sorry your mother is now unable to be independent. You might find a care community which houses different levels so at least your mother and father can be under one community roof. That makes it easier for you visiting, and for them to see each other.
You place your parents in long term care and you let the facility care for them. Get their finances in order and limit your visits and calls to what works for you, not just them. My mom tried to run me ragged when I first got her placed in memory care, but I was firm. I only visit twice a week for an hour each. I only do errands that I see as needed. I don't allow her a cell phone so she cannot call me unless she gets permission to use the facility phone, which she has not requested for over a year. That has helped a lot.
Now that I’m travelling between Edmonton and Vancouver, I have formed a caregiving triad with my sister and cousin. Both work full time and live nearby. I’m also lucky to have relatives and friends in town whom I can approach if needed.
I learned from experience that we need a “village” to look after our elders. A year ago, Mom had a bad fall (lost eye sight in one eye) while looking after Dad who has dementia. It was an accident waiting to happen, after refusing outside help at home.
Alberta Health Services has limited resources. Mom was hospitalized for 6 weeks while Dad had to be cared for at home 24/7.
My parents fall through the cracks when it comes to getting the care they require after Mom returned from Glenrose. Dad didn’t qualify for long term care since he can eat by himself and use the walker, though has high risk of falling, Mom definitely cannot care for Dad as she was recovering from her fall and had to learn to function with one eye.
We are fortunate that our parents have some savings to afford 24/7 care at home over the short term. But all these arrangements were made through trial & error. There’s no playbook for what one should do for their elderly loved ones.
You need to find a solution that works for your parents given their unique health issues. Can you get additional resources from family and friends to help out?
I find the hardest thing is to ask for help. It took my Mom’s serious fall incident for me to assemble an SOS team to help my Dad while I was with Mom at the hospital!
Food for thought….