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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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If you can't get the keys you may need to do something to neutralize the vehicle. Though it does make me nervous that she sleeps with the keys around her neck, that could be a hazard.
Was she officially diagnosed with dementia? If so, her doctor could report her to the state's DMV if they believe she is unsafe to be driving. Granted, losing her license can't stop her from driving. In that case, if you can't get the keys from her, you may have to help the car become "undriveable".
I assume you have tried the tactful way? "Mom, we/I don't think you are safe to drive anymore and we're worried about you. You will always have us/me to take you where you need to go.".
Does she bathe with them? If not, waiting until she is indisposed and take them.
Giving up driving is one of the hardest things for an older person to do. It is a HUGE part of their feeling of independence. When my Dad was in his mid to late 80s, we told him that he was no longer safe to drive. He relied on help going out and about because of late stage COPD. Like going to get a wheelchair at the doctor's office or a motorized buggy at the grocery store or Costco. We simply told him that we wouldn't drive with him which would leave him without anyone to help him. Eventually, he gave up the thought of trying to drive again. He had my brother and SIL living with him anyway to care for him and they were able to take him anywhere he needed to go.
Let us know. I will be curious to see how you make out.
One method I saw recommended to get people to change their clothes might help here too: have an "oops" moment and spill a glass of something down her front and then help her get into something clean and dry, if it's something really messy she might even need a shower to clean up. Be sure you've got a decoy necklace ready to replace the keys
I agree with disabling the car. We disconnected the battery of my moms van(left the battery in so it wasn’t obvious to her). She was mad because she knew we had done something. Wouldn’t give up her keys for a long time, but made it to where she couldn’t drive either. She ended up throwing her keys at us one day. It was hard & she was really mad, but she was safe. She kept saying she was going to call someone to fix it, but couldn’t figure out who to call.
If she demands to have someone come out to fix it, call someone, explain the situation, & then they come out to look at it or tow it & they’ll need the keys to work on it. Now you have the keys from the repair guy. If it takes more than that, Either have them tow it some place else or just down the block & give you the keys.
My mom knew we had messed with her van. She was more aware. Depending on the level of decline, less or more theatrics may be needed. Also, the mechanic can just be a friend of yours that she doesn’t recognize.
If the keys have batteries in them, remove and replace with dead ones. Or don't replace at all. Chances are a person with dementia won't remember that the keys have a battery in them and won't understand why car won't start. This worked for me.
Sounds like she is terrified of losing her freedom, as any of us would, but I would sit down with her and discuss how horrible she would feel if she accidentally killed an entire family with her car. Hopefully, she will come around, if not, I would take the keys while she is sleeping. To protect your Mom and everyone else’s Moms.
Schedule a driving test at a hospital rehab center. My wife took the test and failed all parts. The evaluator explained the test and how she did on each part. She did like it, but accepted. The state revoked her license. She did not complain about it. That was five years ago and she now resides in memory care.
2011 in October:I took my mother for her driving examination when she was 91, almost 92, and she failed her exam when she drove her vehicle into a curb at DMV instead of pulling out straight. Her license actually got suspended back in 2008 with a heart condition but still kept driving. In 2012, I took over when I was unemployed and did this for over one year in 2013. I took her car to a mechanic for its inspection and got her $500 estimate to fix a broken steering wheel part. Mom did not pay the expense, so she sold the car and never drove again!!
if your mother will not stop driving, disable the vehicle like so many readers here said.
In MN, you simply fill out a confidential, one-page form to alert the state of a concern about an individual's driving capabilities. We did this for both of my in-laws, and they received a letter with an appointed time to meet with someone at the DMV. Another family member accompanied them and they both voluntarily surrendered their DLs after some back and forth -- the other option was to take a new driving test. They went through the process of getting state ID cards right then, before leaving the DMV.
Hopefully other states have a similar setup: simple, helpful, and takes most of the responsibility off of the family and places it (appropriately) with the agency responsible for licensing oversight.
I did this in Nebraska for my mom after she had two fender benders in one day. The state DMV sent her a letter requiring new exams. She was able to pass the written exam (on the third try) but not the driving test. She was frustrated, but safe.
You received many great responses here. I think this is a topic that has consequences that many people don’t consider. Yes, losing the ability to drive is a big deal but endangering innocent people, both other drivers and pedestrians is a bigger deal. It’s no different than knowing someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol and not stopping them from driving. Between reaction time, vision, and ability to make decisions, they should not drive regardless if the adult children make them “mad”.
Upon her next medical exam, the doctor can tell her she cannot drive and will inform the vehicle license department your county or state. Her license will be revoked.
Oh wow. My mother in law did this same exact thing, but with the keys to both of her stocked full gun cabinets. We could only hope that she would misplace them again or that she would leave them out and one of us be able to then confiscate them. Because she absolutely was not going to give them up. She ended up locking herself in her room one night and threatened to shoot the next person that walked through her door. So we called police and she was baker acted. It was then that we removed all firearms from her home, and also got help to place her into a memory care unit. That night was the beginning of our dementia journey with mom. Sounds like your parent is not going to give up the car keys very easily either. My suggestion would be to take one of the connections off of the battery for now just so that she can’t go anywhere. And of course reconnect them if you need to use the vehicle
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I assume you have tried the tactful way? "Mom, we/I don't think you are safe to drive anymore and we're worried about you. You will always have us/me to take you where you need to go.".
Does she bathe with them? If not, waiting until she is indisposed and take them.
Giving up driving is one of the hardest things for an older person to do. It is a HUGE part of their feeling of independence. When my Dad was in his mid to late 80s, we told him that he was no longer safe to drive. He relied on help going out and about because of late stage COPD. Like going to get a wheelchair at the doctor's office or a motorized buggy at the grocery store or Costco. We simply told him that we wouldn't drive with him which would leave him without anyone to help him. Eventually, he gave up the thought of trying to drive again. He had my brother and SIL living with him anyway to care for him and they were able to take him anywhere he needed to go.
Let us know. I will be curious to see how you make out.
If she demands to have someone come out to fix it, call someone, explain the situation, & then they come out to look at it or tow it & they’ll need the keys to work on it. Now you have the keys from the repair guy. If it takes more than that,
Either have them tow it some place else or just down the block & give you the keys.
My mom knew we had messed with her van. She was more aware. Depending on the level of decline, less or more theatrics may be needed. Also, the mechanic can just be a friend of yours that she doesn’t recognize.
That was five years ago and she now resides in memory care.
if your mother will not stop driving, disable the vehicle like so many readers here said.
Hopefully other states have a similar setup: simple, helpful, and takes most of the responsibility off of the family and places it (appropriately) with the agency responsible for licensing oversight.
Yes, losing the ability to drive is a big deal but endangering innocent people, both other drivers and pedestrians is a bigger deal. It’s no different than knowing someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol and not stopping them from driving. Between reaction time, vision, and ability to make decisions, they should not drive regardless if the adult children make them “mad”.