Too much to write but will get to the point. Mom has had cognitive issues for at least 10 years. Physical too. (You never know how bad until you live with someone.) I’ll get to those mental and physical on another chat but my brother and I need to take away her keys. She’s taken out two plants on each side of the driveway. I’ve noticed a couple small dents and scratches after going to grocery store etc. Do you sit down with her and just be blunt? Is there gentle way to do it? I’ve heard people say, have her doctor tell her?It’s tough not only on her but on us as well because taking away the keys will then keep her home and it can get a little crowded as it is. A little “too much” together time. Then I beat myself up for being selfish and not wanting to be around her so much. (I take her to all her appts etc). Please send any advice for the age old question of taking away the keys. Thank you!
You can use a "therapeutic fib" that the car was having a mechanical problem (like leaking oil, check engine light went on, etc) and remove the car to a secret location where she can't find it. Then, make up the name of an auto repair shop and tell her it will be gone until the part arrive. Find any second sets of keys. Try to locate the title for future sale.
For my elderly Aunt in FL who had advancing dementia: I was able to report her dangerous driving on the website (I think the DMV or else it might have been the Dept of Public Safety, i can't remember which). I had all her info: DL #, dates and details of incidences, etc. They then sent her a letter telling her she needed to come in and retake the eye exam (because she had triple vision in one eye). My cousin stupidly took her to this appt but she failed the eye test.
For my MIL and SFIL, we had a talk with them after they each had incidences. They were angry and in denial so we removed their vehicles to our home.
For my Mom, she would not give up driving and was in denial. I contacted her primary doctor and told her I was bringing her in for a formal diagnosis of her cognitive and memory impairment. While I was sitting in on that appointment, the doc asked about my Mom's driving abilities and my Mom gave herself a thumbs up by I voiced my disagreement. The doc wisely ordered an virtual driving assessment through the OT department and told my Mom that she could prove her driving abilities to all of us and we'd leave her alone.
My Mom totally failed the written MoCA cognitive test for executive function, and the physical reaction test. The OT broke the news to my Mom that they are mandated reporters and would send the info to the Dept of Public Safety, who would then send out a license cancellation notice. And that's what they did. My Mom defiantly never admitted to receiving the letter and refused to give up her keys. Since she lives next to me I told her that if I saw her on the road I'd call 911 and tell them she was driving without a license. She eventually stopped driving but then hid the keys and the title -- but that didn't prevent me (her PoA) from selling her car.
Your Mom sounds like she is currently a dangerous driver so you should do whatever it takes to stop her right now. If you can find both sets of her keys you should keep them on your person but make sure she doesn't call up the dealership to order new ones. Or, unplug the battery, remove the carburetor, etc. I think removing the car completely is probably the least amount of work.
Good luck!
The things to do BEFORE any move-in is
1. Get together with Mom and all the family and decide how this will work.
2. Discuss all issues. Privacy. Who cooks, who cleans, where main living quarters are for each, and etc.
3. What will happen when there are issues of aging that are too diffiicult for family members to handle. If placement, what are the assets and plans. Is there agreement that when this isn't working for ONE member of the household this isn't working, period?
4. What documents were done? Who will be POA if needed. Where are assets and accounts and who will sign for bills and etc if this is needed.
5. What attorney will be consulted re all documents being done, how to manage money with shared living expenses (not rental as that is taxable whereas sharing living expense are not.
6. Basic physical and mental with advance directive done with you as MPOA. Then a neuro consult and assessment.
You are living with someone willy nilly who you made a member of your household with no rules nor requirement, and you are so afraid you cannot even sit her down and discuss the ruination of your plants with her driving?
What will it be when she is in an accident (how my brother was diagnosed, by the way, with probable early Lewy's dementia).
I encourage you to stay and read a while. You badly need this Forum.
It will help you form guidelines and boundaries, rules and regulations for the future. And it will set in stone the time that you will need to have mom in care if that time comes.
I’ll be using using/implementing what I can from your suggestions.
I’m on her bank accounts and need to get the POA completed so I can speak with her investment manager to work on a plan. I’ve had the POA paperwork for the last month but didn’t get it completed and now she is in the hospital recovering from hip replacement.
I’ll be looking into assisted housing and all the options immediately.
We have an appointment in a couple weeks and I’ll be speaking to GP prior and giving her info so when we come in she’ll have more info.
Thank you for the information. Very informative.
One that is sometimes mentioned is, if the car has a key fob, you remove the battery. Then it won't work but she won't figure out why. Obviously, you can say, something is terribly wrong with the car because it won't start, and it has to go to the shop. Buh-bye, car.
A little crowded as it is? Okay. Didn't you realize this before you moved her in? It will get even more crowded when her hoarding gets to be a problem, and then she can't get out of bed so you need a Hoyer lift and three caregivers working 24/7 to take care of her because you can't do it all on your own.
I suggest that you consider placement in a care facility. Now you've considered it. Only took a couple of seconds. Please seriously plan to find her a good place. Home care seems like a great idea until you have to do it. Then it's a prison that you can't escape. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.
Signed, Family Caregiver X 3 - both parents, another relative, and currently husband, who is doing well in memory care.
Ive told my brother once she’s out of the hospital that he is going to fly out from Utah and join me in the sit down with her on driving. I didn’t mention but she almost burned down her last place while leaving a pot on stove. I asked her to make some hummingbird feed. Just bowl 4 cups of water and 1 cup of sugar. Well, my wife came home and let’s just say my mom almost burned our place down. I’m thinking the Care facility needs to be looked into immediately. Thanks for all your information
Next, look into senior day centers for her. That would give her a chance for socialization and give you some privacy while she's there.
Third, look into assisted living or memory care for her. Even if you decide against a facility now, having the options will make it easier when you reach the point of deciding that her needs have increased to the point that it's required, for her safety and your sanity. It sounds like you might be at that point now.
Where did your mother move in with you from? Did she have her own home, which you'll now be selling?
I’ll be getting with her GP and DMV in the next couple weeks as she is now in the hospital recovering from hip replacement. Might be a good time to talk with the Orthopedic surgeon to buy a little time as well.
Good luck to you and Thank you!
How is everything going? Has she gone to rehab? This is the perfect opportunity to move her based on “the doctor says you can’t live at our house any more”.
My brother gave away her car to his daughter for her work. Mothers angry was short lived.
Through the daycare workers I learned mothers can/do take their anger/behavior out on their daughters, which eventually was the case. I brother eventually cared for her a few years in another house on their property.
Mother eventually entered a Care Center. She soon got where she forgot she was a smoker. In my mothers case she eventually pasted due to Cancer.
I lost my mother 10-15 years before she past. I believe they have a way of carry on a conversation, but are not cognitively really with you. I could never get anyone to see she was really gone.
Isnt there a lot more they can do to help TODAY with issues of the mind?
Isnt this still a terminal illness? My mother passed at 80
Gods Blessings with you all.
Investigate your area, there may be places you can take her for a few hours that could provide some supervision and respite for you.
See what hobbies might help
engage her and mostly, realize this is a fleeting time, even if it lasts several years.
Same thing happened with my nephew's wife. Her grandma had been blacking out and falling. Her doctor actually took her keys and gave them to granddaughter. Grandma couldn't blame the family.
Yes, it is going to be tough. And it is only going to get tougher. Mom is not going to get any better. There is no gentle way of telling someone they are getting old, and no longer able to do the things they did before.
No matter what conversation you have with her, make sure you hide the keys. And disable the car. People can get pretty crafty when they want something that has been taken away from them.
You can help this transition by setting up a ride share app for her, or in some small towns, a local taxi service and even rides for seniors. There are ride services to medical appointments. Use the internet and Google whatever it is you need.
If this is becoming too much for you and your brother, there is no shame in finding a care home for her. Somewhere she can be safe and taken care of24 hours a day.
* The goal is to give hope while doing what is needed for their safety / welfare, and yours.
Says things like: for now, while we're getting the car engine fixed, you won't be able to drive - then change the subject. If she insists and/or is still able to access the car to drive:
* Yes take the keys or change the car key to another one
* Dismantle part in car (battery) so it won't start
She needs much more supervision than what she is getting (from what you indicate).
You have to learn to be clear and direct and know that you must set boundaries. You talk to the person based on their cognitive functioning / ability to understand. You learn to be both compassionate and understanding while doing what you need to do.
The larger need may be time to transition into a memory care facility.
Start checking into them. Don't tell her.
Hire a medical social worker to guide you through these needs. Many work independently.
(Part of) A page I compiled/wrote a while ago.
Do not argue. Most people with dementia will want to argue (due to fear, confusion, anger at the unknowns) and "knowing" they are right and able when they do not know they don't know. What they are doing is holding on to their independence while fearing what is happening.
* The key is to learn to respond without engaging in an argument, i.e., You offer reflective listening: I hear you saying xxx. (based on cognitive abilities)
* Let them know they are being heard. They need to feel respected and matter to you. You use non-verbal 'language' / communication.
* Arguing exacerbates an already emotionally charged situation -Goal is to keep person calm.
* Realize that communication isn't the same as it used to be. Communicating with a person inflicted with dementia needs to 'match' the changing brain, realizing that brain cells are dying and different parts of the brain do not work as they used to. It is a fine dance. Be patient with yourself and your loved one.
Get this book:
The 36-Hour Day 7th ed.
A Family guide to caring for people who have Alz disease and other dementias by Nancy L. Mace, MA, and Pater V. Rabins, MD, MPH.
Basic understanding and lots of referrals / references.
8 Types of Dementia and How to Recognize Their Symptoms
of Dementia According to Experts (see link below)
https://www.prevention.com/health/memory/a37330342/types-of-dementia/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=mgu_ga_pre_md_pmx_hybd_mix_us_20739785489&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwgL-3BhDnARIsAL6KZ6-6imdBEASITu0uRPab2v5P1hmq-740SIT7hQHXQlVilRVFu7cGNmgaAqjnEALw_wcB
Gena / Touch Matters
i sent a letter to the DOT and told them of her issues and the concerns we were having. They then sent a letter to her stating that she needed a letter from her eye doctor and regular doctor. That is all that it took. She never drove again.
It was very easy with them being the bad guy vs you.