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No. If you do not want to be there for the holidays, don't be. Explain to your mother that you have done enough and that your entire life will not be about her, what she needs and wants, or what your family wants. Then remind her that when she was in rehab, she asked you to take any money out of the home because she was afraid your siblings would rip her off. That they'd rip off their own mother, SMH... Yes, these are your siblings and family, but that's disgusting. You should not have to spend a holiday with these people.

On the flip side of the discussion, you are also wrong. Do not blame your siblings for not stepping up to help you with your late father's caregiving needs if you and your brother never asked them to. When it comes to caregiving for sick and elderly loved ones, most people will assume that someone has the situation well in hand if they're not asking for help. Being sarcastic about it and saying they should just "know" is not the same thing as telling them in plain language that you will not and cannot handle all of the care for the parents and they will have to be placed if they refuse to make a plan with you and help out with it.
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Suck it up for mom, honey. If you don’t and she passes (or something you fear to happen DOES happen), you will never forgive yourself. In the end, you will know that you did everything you could for her and she loves you for that. Keep being THAT person she loves and goes to for help. You and your brother will be glad that you did.
Wishing you the best holiday you can have under the circumstances 💖
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BurntCaregiver Oct 28, 2025
@Whodat

Why should Stressedmess guilt-trip herself and ruin the holidays for herself? She didn't do anything wrong so why would she have to forgive herself if something "happens"?

The mother goes to for "help" because she loves her the most. No, on the contrary. She is the one that can be most easily gaslit and manipulated into doing her bidding. This way she can get her own way and appease her other children who really should be given a good, swift kick in the backside for their own good. The mother wants to be the peacemaker and just wants everyone to have a good holiday. So long as the OP can keep all the plates spinning and do it.

No. Enough is enough. Stressedmess does not want to spend the holiday with her siblings and should not have to.
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If you didn't have siblings, would you be upset at having to do the caregiving? Try to remember this is about your Mother, not your siblings. I know first hand that resentment is hard to swallow, but I also know that I can sleep and go about my days now knowing I did everything I could to make sure both my parents were well cared for and knew I loved them. This time of life is too precious to waste. Enjoy your moments with your Mother and try to create good memories you'll carry with you after she's gone. Blessings to you.
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