Holidays with “siblings” that do not help with aging parents. Any advice?
I don’t even want to spend holidays with my “siblings” but want to see my Mom. There are 5 kids. 2of us constantly took care of my dad before he passed. He was in wheelchair so i had to run over many times a day when he had an “urge” to use restroom. My husband is the one who realized Dad needed showers & took it upon himself. On the day Dad passed, 1 sister (who worked in PT & never helped) looked at my husband and said “I would have helped if you all would have called me”. umm he was in a wheelchair/ did he needed help! Anyway Mom fell and broke her femur and of course my good brother and I are the only ones that show up daily, take care of house, groceries, laundry, medicine. When Mom was in rehab she asked me to make sure there was no money in her house because she was worried about them coming in and stealing it. ( it has happened a lot before Dad passed). And of course after Dad passed they all wanted keys to the house. So with that little history of “siblings”- I want to just go away for the holidays as an excuse not to be there with siblings. They’ll show up for free food. They write nasty notes about me & my 1 brother about not doing things they think we should. But Mom has asked me to be with her when the others are there. I feel I should help be there for Mom. But, the idea of being at the same dinner table makes me nauseous. I do anything for my Mom. I mean I already do. What do I do? I don’t want to be there but what if it’s her last holiday? ugh
Wishing you the best holiday you can have under the circumstances 💖
Why should Stressedmess guilt-trip herself and ruin the holidays for herself? She didn't do anything wrong so why would she have to forgive herself if something "happens"?
The mother goes to for "help" because she loves her the most. No, on the contrary. She is the one that can be most easily gaslit and manipulated into doing her bidding. This way she can get her own way and appease her other children who really should be given a good, swift kick in the backside for their own good. The mother wants to be the peacemaker and just wants everyone to have a good holiday. So long as the OP can keep all the plates spinning and do it.
No. Enough is enough. Stressedmess does not want to spend the holiday with her siblings and should not have to.
On the flip side of the discussion, you are also wrong. Do not blame your siblings for not stepping up to help you with your late father's caregiving needs if you and your brother never asked them to. When it comes to caregiving for sick and elderly loved ones, most people will assume that someone has the situation well in hand if they're not asking for help. Being sarcastic about it and saying they should just "know" is not the same thing as telling them in plain language that you will not and cannot handle all of the care for the parents and they will have to be placed if they refuse to make a plan with you and help out with it.
It's not about what dad would have wanted. The OP has done enough for the family and if she doesn't want to spend the holiday with them, she should not and not have a moment of guilt about it.
you cold say doctor says limit the excitement and as you all tend to have tested discussions a family dinner is out if the question
book into a hotel fir dinner if possible and leave the lazy to argue amongst themselves
on another point I’ve met so many people in work and put who really for whatever reason don’t use their common sense or offer help waiting to be asked
it’s quite a common thing
whatever their reason - maybe they’re stupid ? Get into the habits playing by their rules and ask them
i we’d help with x y and z …can you please …….
ask
but in relation to the dinner I wouldn’t go
Maybe ask your mother what she wants to do
if you agree it take some time out away from them at times and any firm of arguing or put me downs keep calm then follow with your plan fir a venue away from the house
maybe a light breakfast with everyone then leave and elsewhere
I certainly wouldn’t torture myself with a whole day if they are behaving toxic
or
set ground rules
this could be mums last Christmas if we are to meet I want no discussions that can generate arguments
if anyone has anything to say then address it with me after Christmas
I hope it works out the you
maybe pop into the chemist and get done herbal relaxing tablets -sure the health shop will gave something they can offer you
I did have to set my foot down and stop and they ended up hiring someone and they would take turns without my help because we didn’t talk for months. This was during Covid. I did start coming to see her and help with another person to take her to appointments. I did keep my boundaries and they were respected. Grandma even apologized for the way they treated me. Recently a couple of siblings even apologized and even admitted that I wasn’t too sensitive.
Let me tell you this! I would have regretted if I missed the last holidays, birthdays or even after school club visits that I made after I reconciled. There was definitely drama and selfish cousins fighting over property like she was already gone but I did not let that keep me from seeing her. She did still have her cranky moments but they were definitely a lot more respectful. My family actually was able to experience what I went through as a fraction.
Talk to your mom about how you feel without overwhelming her. Go to those events for you and those memories and spend them with your mom. If you like, you can distance yourself when she is gone.
Also there was an issue with a family member trying to change the will and trick her but my family communicated and my grandmother had it changed back. So that family member who came with what they thought was the legitimate will on the day of her funeral was surprised when the updated statement was revealed to them. Make sure no one is doing anything sneaky
If the mom needs the OP to be there and work security because she's afraid to be alone with her own children lest they will rob her, she should not have them over for a holiday.
other obligations on the actual holidays and arrange a time limited visit at a local family friendly restaurant . Yes, I picked up the check, but that left the actual holidays calm with my husband and two ‘more present nieces and their families.
Yes, I could yell at the kids and expect more, long term consequences are all to real with them.
In this situation, whatever you and brother decide will be the best - for you. Do not feel guilty.
Me, I do Bob Evans. He does all the cooking. I just supply the crock pots.
But it also sounds like mom is going to need more and more help.
It might be time to look into trying to get her to transition to Assisted Living.
That way she will have staff to help and you can be a daughter again not a caregiver. Holidays can be at mom's where a meal will be prepared and siblings can come and go as they wish.
Selling mom's house to pay for the AL will also take a lot of the burden of caring for a house, paying for repairs and all the bills that go with homeownership
My out-of-town son doesn't even call, and I have one brother who also is missing. Make the best of it!!
I stopped years ago because none of us siblings really liked each other and it was stupid to pretend otherwise just to make my parents happy.
I am not comfortable being around my sibling due to similar circumstances, this is what I would do.
If your mother truly feels uncomfortable alone with them, and worries about them taking from her, you should be there with her. She has asked you, and from your response, it sounds as if you will regret it if you don't go.
Yours wouldn't be the first uncomfortable family holiday gathering. In fact, it is common for people to dread seeing certain family members around the same table. Do your best to hold your tongue, keep your thoughts to yourself, have some wine, and be there for your mother.
My wise husband told me that I am “ Off duty when the siblings come and they can bring Mom food for the day .”
From then on whenever my siblings came to visit I did not attend. Then siblings stopped coming on holidays , they came other random times . Mom would tell me when they were coming and I stayed home or did whatever I wanted to do that day .
Have a separate quiet holiday dinner with Mom before the holiday before siblings come , then go away on a trip , or just stay home you need it . Tell Mom you need a break.
A couple of times my one sibling came to my door to drop by . I started not answering the door . Pretended no one was home . So my sister in law texted , asking if we were angry with her and my brother . I texted back “ No , but my husband said I need a day off when my mother’s other kids visit “.
Bow out gracefully and wish them a happy holiday. Then get away from all of them and be glad you’re not as dysfunctional as they are.