I am living a nightmare. From one week ago, the hospitalists have been relentlessly pursuing my mother to go on palliative care. I wouldn't mind if they said, "We are here if you need us," but they are RELENTLESS. They have my mother on a do not give food by mouth, and they refuse to feed her, even though she asked for a cookie. They WILL ONLY FEED her if I agree to put her on palliative care and take her out of hospital care. They said she will never leave the hospital alive, but will she leave HOSPICE alive. I thought Hospice was an OPTION. I didn't realize it was mandatory. She is on IV fluids, and they are pressuring to pull the fluids. I just have a gut feeling they are trying to rush her demise because she has dementia. She is not in any pain, but they mentioned Morphine, and I said NO! Can the hospital continue to starve my mother unless I put her into hospice??
Hon, I think what they are trying to tell you is that your Mom is dying. The quality of her life is diminished, and she cannot be brought back from this place. What she is going through is, in the opinion of this nurse, somewhat a torture when kept going beyond when we can swallow normally.
You know your Mom better than me. I don't know her age, her diagnosis or anything else because you have told me nothing but that you are not ready to see her go and leave you. I don't know what she felt about these things. Was there a time when she said to you "Don't you EVER let me go; you fight for every second I have left in life because I want every second no matter what".
Most doctors no longer believe in heroic measures (and feeding by tube is honestly that) any more.
Hospice is an option. If you are health care POA then you can refuse it. But it is meant to comfort and help. If Mom has no pain you can refuse pain medication. If she has no breathing difficulties. Because Morphine helps breathing problems, as well.
If the doctors are this adamant then I believe your Mom must be suffering to no good end. Because it is unusual for them to be this brutally honest. I am so sorry. This is a terrible loss, the worse when you are not ready for it. I know you just want her to have that cookie, but with it, she may choke and die.
Hospice can help mom by making her more comfortable and providing additional services, including free counseling for you. All paid for by Medicare.
On Hospice your Mom will be kept comfortable. Your decision will be where. If u take her home, u will receive an aide maybe 3x a week a nurse too. But you will be the one doing the most work. I would ask the Hospital if u agree to Hospice, will she remain at the Hospital. Or transferred to a NH. Be aware, Medicare may pay for the hospital but they won't pay for the facility. They only pay for the care and supplies. My GF was on Hospice at a Hospital, not sure how the hospital bills were covered. My Mom was on Medicaid in a NH so the facility was covered.
https://www.choosingwisely.org/patient-resources/feeding-tubes-for-people-with-alzheimers/
Hospice should allow you to focus on the quality of her remaining life however long it may be - for example you may opt to allow her the option to eat what she chooses while recognizing the risks. You don't have to start any end of life medications until she actually IS end of life, but the Hospice will supply them so they are readily available when needed. You should be able to hash this all out with your Hospice provider so that you are all on the same page, remember YOU are the one in charge and although they may suggest they can not force anything you don't approve of. If you can't come to a meeting of the minds with this particular Hospice group perhaps a different one will suit you better.