I know and I’m sorry this is a never-ending saga. Believe me if I could end it I would - right now. Obviously, it’s not up to me and no one can control what happens anyway. I’ve also fantasized about running the other way and never looking back but how selfish would that be?
If you’re either tired of reading about my story or it’s too depressing or you’re simply not curious, I totally understand.
But there always something that must be ‘handled’ in some way. Now that my mother’s caregivers are only my brother and SIL and they’ve cut me off even from updates about how she’s doing, one of them is always there at the hospital, night and day. (I can’t imagine trying to carry that load.)
I’m trying to visit every other day as the stress is so great for me. it’s been 2 days now because I gave myself an extra day of relief. My bro or SIL apparently alternates days and nights to stay with her. They never leave the room when I come so I only feel like I can handle short visits with her. And every time I do go, later I end up a ruminating mess. She’s always glad to see me, if she’s doing well cognitively.
My husband is telling me not to cut my visits short, that basically we should park ourselves in the room and make an extended visit. He says don’t let them intimidate me and influence how long I stay. I get that and I want to show them that but at the same time it feels like torture for me. My family doesn’t get into big ugly confrontations. They use quiet intimidation. Not sure which is worse.
Everyone is different but I’d be interested to hear comments about what you might do based on my story. Go for it.
About cutting visits short, you'd be justified in doing that since there isn't all that much to say when you're there anyway. Perhaps you could mail her a card every two or three days. Visit on the alternate two or three days.
In a way your husband is right about not letting them intimidate you, but I'm not sure it's in your best interest to be bold, stare them down, or be in the way. In this case, if they win by shutting you out, what have they won? Nothing but a hospital room with a very ill person who requires a lot of care. And no support from you when they really need it, which they didn't think they did, but now that you're gone, they realize they aren't better off for what they did. Also, it must be exhausting for you to be ruminating and putting up with their meanness.
So, I'd be tempted to taper off. As my grandma would put it years ago, "Let them sit in their own juice and stew in it." You've done the best you could.
I don't find it boring at all. I think your husband does have a point, but I also understand you point. For your mental health maybe you shouldn't visit or only visit once a week, which is the most important thing here, not your brother's or sil feelings , or your moms. The most important thing is your health.
I will say this, I have a difficult brother, not gonna get into that, now. Honestly, when I have to see him, I kill him with so much kindness, and happiness, and sweetness, oh boy , I absolutely know he hates it, he won't start trouble with family around won't do anything to make himself look bad, and I often get some good giggles outta it.
Also I would advise you to read The Gray Rock Method, on how to deal with bullies. It has really helped me.