My malignant narcissistic dad passed away suddenly a few months ago and my mother has turned into a completely different person. I flew out to be w her the next day and coordinate everything as she was very much in shock and confused. Plan was to move her back near me ASAP but then Covid hit and we were stuck at my house with my husband. We have been together for 8 straight months and she has fought with me about everything possible. She is high risk for Covid so hubby and I had everything delivered, WFH and stopped seeing everyone to keep her safe. She looked at it as prison and said she had to tip-toe (when we were the ones that had to!)
She kept saying she wants to go home to Nevada so finally I brought her to her home and she keeps picking fights w me! Wants me to leave her here and go home but how can I when she is not thinking clearly and should not be out in Covid? She doesn’t know how to use a computer to order online or pay her bills (I do all that now) and won’t heed advice from family or Drs telling her it’s not safe. She just keeps going on and on about how I’m controlling her and how others are going shopping with masks so why can’t she? She was supposed to sell this house and move closer to me and now just wants me to leave her here alone with no friends, family or support within 3000 miles because she needs time alone. Has two cars and won’t sell one so it just sits. She’s gotten in my face and just says things under her breath and tonight she pushed me! The fights have been intense and when I tell her what she did, she denies and said I’m crazy and she never said those things. Today she tried telling me her had fireplace is different and wanted to throw away the rocks at the bottom. I told her it was like that and explained WHO could break in and change it while she was away? But that just made her more mad. I put my foot down saying no way she’s ruining it and it caused a giant fight all day and again at night. Screaming at me and crying. Saying her life is over and she has no one when I’ve given up my own life to try to pay her bills, pay off my fathers debts, work with lawyers, even talk to her drs about what’s happening. Even if I try to tell her that it’s not healthy to eat ice cream and cookies it’s me controlling her. I keep saying what am I getting out of it? She thinks I’m just trying to hurt her. I’m losing my mind at this point. Haven’t slept in months, lost 15 pounds and shake when she starts up. Now... she’s not herself— very forgetful, very depressed and she’s very angry (45 years of emotional and verbal abuse from my father) and I would give her my own beating heart if she needed so how can I leave her alone knowing she can’t take care of herself?
She wants me gone and says I’m the reason she’s confused, so as much as I need a moment to myself and want to honor her wishes, I’m so afraid to leave her here alone!? Any insight is appreciated. I’m tired and our relationship is at risk. :( I’m very worried about her and want her to pack up and move near my hubs and I but she says she is not ready. I’ve seen she cannot take care of a whole house and two cars and stay safe and sane in Covid and so it’s much harder for me to manage from thousands of miles away. On my last nerve here and don’t know what else to do. She doesn’t want help — sees it as controlling. Even if her idea is ridiculous and I’m trying to protect her, she just sees me as saying she’s stupid and incapable.
In the meantime, pick your battles. If she wants to eat junk food, that's her choice. She's not a child.
It does sound like you're a bit controlling tbh.
I assume you'd like her to be safe, well and cared for, right?
The thing is, does that line up with what MOM wants?
What does her doctor say about her mental and physical state? Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
Has she sought any psychiatric help or counseling since she's been widowed?
I can only imagine that at least part of her anger at you "controlling her" is that she might feel like she's been let out of prison since the death of your dad, and then you come and start telling what she can and can't do! And COVID just complicates it all.
I understand that you are trying to help her, but the sad truth is that unless she cooperates, there isn't much you can do to force her to go into a facility, move near you or accept in home care.
But talk to her doctors. They may be able to guide her and she may accept what they say, because hey, you're just a "kid", right?
Why can't she eat ice cream and cookies?
I'm thinking... be back soon.
Keep calm, breathe, lots of advice will follow to get to a better path.
Also, you should be aware that UTIs in the elderly can cause paranoia and other symptoms that mimic psychiatric conditions.
Also, I’ve seen her so the silliest things and try to tell me her keys or car acts a certain way, when it doesn’t or she gets flustered writing a check or even entering a date into the calendar. Everything is a mix up and some have been quite dangerous but she refuses to notice that and blames me that I’m the reason she can’t think clearly.
she’s not paying attention to things that can be very dangerous in a Covid world or otherwise. My hubby has seen her confusion as well and agrees it is not smart to leave her alone.
i have offered to get a hotel nearby but she just says “you’re crazy”. You think I’m stupid?
”Screaming and crying” as a new mode of behavior means that her cognitive skills are declining.
Paranoia is often a symptom of dementia.
So is not wanting help.
So is accusing a potential gesture of kindness as being an attack.
There are more signs of concerning behavior in your poignant post, but once you can bring yourself to acknowledge that she is perhaps not challenging you at all, but rather raging against the painful fact that she is no longer able to be self sufficient, her inability to make sense of her situation can give you the clarity to realize that she needs to be kept safe, or she will ultimately place herself in a situation where she will be hurt.
You KNOW that she’s become “a completely different person”, and you are absolutely correct. Although there are some physical situations that may mimic or exacerbate dementia, (UTI, hearing or vision loss, some metabolic changes etc.) that SHOULD be ruled out, you need to focus on the goal of relating to who she is now, and whether or not her safety is the goal you choose to take on.
So- accept what she says as HER TRUTH, and assume that if she is involved in something like the fireplace, you will not be able to change her belief in that moment.
If you can comfortably defer to another topic, good. For right now, focus on keeping peace in your interactions.
If you can arrange for a thorough physical with someone whom she trusts, that may be a good place to start.
This process is HORRIBLY HARD, for me, among the worst learning experiences of my life, but you can, and will get through it. Do the research; it will help you to be ready. She may remain as she is for quite some time, or you may see different behaviors sooner.
Research what you would be able to prepare for her if you were to bring her closer to you, always keeping in mi d her safety and hopefully her comfort. Consider whether you might be able to arrange a “visit” for her, if you come to the conclusion that it would be better and safer for her AND EASIER FOR YOU, to have her geographically near by.
Those of us here know how much you’re suffering. We’re here when you need to talk.
life the past 8 months for her benefit (not to torment as she sees it)
She has seen her Psych and doesn’t want to listen. Has hearing loss that definitely compounds issues as she misunderstands but then just nods. I tell her people don’t know you can’t hear them but she won’t simply just say “what?” She has a physical and blood test results tomorrow and I’m calling her dr to leave a note for her to test her balance, cognition and to see if a better medication is available aside from Donepizil.
I’ve looked at potential places online for her to live back near me. I’ve even offered to sell my home and move to a bigger one w separate in law but she says she wants to be ALONE. Fine, least she’d be within a 10 min car ride and not across the country.
Honestly, it hurts my feelings that she doesn’t even recognize she’s putting me at risk for Covid by asking me to fly here and there. Or that I’m tired of running two households and maintain my job through all this. I get she’s not herself so I can’t really expect that but it still hurts.
Problems always seem to start when she accuses me of anyone else of trying to swindle her. Thinks people stole her lights outside or that her drink is less than mine. I always say something to explain and it seems to always escalate as she will not recognize logic or believe 50 people saying one thing.. they’re all wrong but her. It’s very scary to see my mom that I’ve tried to protect from my dad from a million miles away not be able to use simple logic and reason.
Am I hot headed? I’ve gotten very angry and bitter myself. She pushes me every time and then blames me for being horrible to her. She pushes all my buttons and says things I know he used to say to her (calling her stupid) and I tell her I don’t think you’re stupid. Dad used to say that out of trying to be hurtful, I think you’re confused from all that’s happened.. she just nods and then says “yeah, right” under breath to have final word and be “right.”
I’m tired. I’m no longer myself. I look like a mess as I feel like all I’ve done is cater to what she wants to “keep her happy”. From cooking dinners I know she loves back at my house to driving her around all the old spots and neighborhoods and trying to talk to her friends to call when I know she’s lonely (and won’t reach out because she doesn’t feel like talking but will be laughing once they call), I’m tired and frazzled and feel like I’ve got nothing else to give. Then I think of how he treated her and I find more and more and soon, I’ll have nothing else left of me.
i just don’t know how I can leave her here and Be a good daughter for putting her in extreme risk for Covid and Lord knows what else....
Before going further ... is she physically unable to perform any necessary normal activities? Has she been diagnosed with dementia? Does she need 24/7 care, for whatever reason? If the answer to any of those questions is YES, please just take whatever you can use, and disregard the rest.
*******
NOW. Even though California is pretty locked down, I have been able to gain support from online support groups for widowed people. From them, I've been reassured as to what's normal (for us). Here's some of what I've learned:
Confusion and shock are very normal. "Widow's fog" or "widow brain" is very real ... and it does not go away on any specific schedule. For me, it's now an off-and-on thing. To my dismay, others report that this on-and-off stuff can go on for years (...yikes...).
The "too many vehicles" issue is VERY common (ummm ... I have 3 on the property, but I only drive the 1 that works). I'll dispose of the others eventually, but that's not on my current Top Ten ... and I've been here at home this whole time. Many widowed folk keep 'em around for ... awhile.
Digestive upset? Loss of appetite? Craving only comfort foods? Nausea and vomiting, especially in the early weeks? Again ... normal (for us). This kind of grief is *physical*. Digestion/nutrition issues are classic symptoms. But ... it does have to be watched.
Needing to be alone? Some (like me) do need our space, while others feel the need to have someone around at all times. I've been home on my own this whole time. This often sucks ... but I NEED it if I want to keep my head at all straight. Sound like you *all* could use some respite. If she cannot stay home in NV ... Is your mom able to spend a night or two in a hotel room on occasion? I'd suggest a stay in senior respite (if she'll accept that), but ... COVID-19.
COVID-19 makes awful situations soooo much harsher than they would be otherwise. Memorials and funerals, for example. Also, I've been unwillingly "released" from caregiving, but there are not many places to go, and mundane activities can be a legitimate hassle.
Speaking of caregiving ... "release" can be yet one more traumatic insult, like a form of PTSD. That's definitely true for me ... and my husband was a sweet man. We had our issues, of course, but we were equals in marriage before his illnesses took over. His attitude throughout it all was far better than mine would be if our fates had been reversed.
Recovering from the loss of a "malignant narcissistic" spouse? I can't even imagine (...shudder...). Grief therapy is most likely needed here. I'm looking for therapy that's both affordable and effective, myself.
Sorry about the length. I feel for all of you! Please keep us posted!
She sees a psych that she’s been seeing for 18 years. He asks me to go too. Only been once a few days ago and when I bring up what he said, she calls me crazy and said he’s hard to hear with his mask and accent and brushes off his advice.
It just kills me she keeps starting my motors up by not being able to use reason and picking on everything I do for her. If it’s not that it’s something else someone else did to her. Or Covid. But it’s always negative. The other day all I said was “oh, well, they touched my phone so now I have to disinfect it”. She told me to stop complaining and that all I do is complain. I can’t even talk anymore!
But then I checked your profile & read that Alz/Dementia is in the mix.
You write 'foggy & not equipped to be alone'. The getting mixed up/confused & the aggression etc.
If you consider her to be *unsafe* if left alone I think you do have to act. It's a hard thing to start... Get her to her Doctor if you can (flu shot, Covid info, any excuse). Explain you are *concerned*. Even have a letter ready to press into the Doctor's hand if she won't let you in the room.
Sometimes people take the advice from the Doctor better than from their kids. Staying home may be possible for her (for now) if she accepts home help.
Good luck & ((hugs)). Update us.
She’s not been officially diagnosed but I feel like it’s early stage OR her extreme trauma from everything - from the way he treated her and made her cry daily to seeing him pass in front of her.
I do want to honor her wishes and get a break so badly. I’m calling her dr today as she has a physical tomorrow and I want her to check her balance issues, cognitive ability, review her meds and things of the like to check all boxes.
It sounds like this was a very traumatic event for her; she needs and deserves support during the stressful aftermath of this event.
I have not lost a spouse, but I have at times found my relationship with my eldest daughter strained during the pandemic. She too believes that I should stay indoors and not expose myself at all to public places, even with a mask.
My husband and I are 67; we both have some underlying conditions that make us more at risk. And in NYC, where we live, the numbers were very scary just a few weeks ago. Nonetheless, I felt that fresh air and exercise and brief shopping trips (masked and gloved) and a weekly socially distanced meet-up with a close friend was important for my mental and physical health. I had several screaming conversations with her until she backed off and realized that I had a right to take chances, whether or not she approved.
I urge you to get your mom to her doctor and get a qualified medical opinion about what might be going on with her and what THEIR recommendations are for her treatment and an opinion about whether she can live alone.
Has her primary dr tomorrow. Going to write a letter today and drop it off about all my concerns. Hate going behind her back but I’m at my wit’s end and I’m just trying to god everything to keep her healthy and safe.
She’s all I have left and I’m trying my best but keep falling short.
Her Psychiatrist sees no changes? He/she is in the position to have Mom put on a 72 hr Psych hold. This way labs and tests can be run. Since you are seeing her doctor tomorrow write everything down. Everything u have to do for her. Hand it to the receptionist and ask her to ask the doctor to read before he sees Mom. She needs a full evaluation to rule out something physical. Her Psychiatrist should be able to handle the mental.
Since you didn't see Mom often, I would say that Dad covered up her problem or just didn't acknowledge there was one. In early stages people suffering from a Dementia are able to "showdown". Meaning they realize something is wrong and are able to compensate for it. But the brain tires and usually late afternoon they "sundown" and then the signs of Dementia show up. I do not agree with those who say go home. If you lived around the corner or a few miles away, I would say leave her alone but check on her. But you don't live around the corner. Go with your gut, there is something wrong and you need to get these doctors to help you determine what it is. Don't leave until ur given answers. And when u them have her doctor/doctors sit down in front of her and look her in the eye and tell her she cannot live alone and why. Don't allow them to leave it up to you.
At this point treat her as having a Dementia. Do not argue with her. Tell her you will leave when you know she will be OK on her own. You may want to ask the doctor if she can be given something to calm her down. I hope you have POA. If not, I may try to have her assign you. Ask her Psychiatrist if she is able to do it. If you can't get POA you may have to get guardianship. Its expensive but Medicaid allows the use of Moms money for this.
You really need to get her doctors to understand where you r coming from. That you live miles away and can not leave her to her own devices. She is in danger of hurting herself and in my opinion the doctors could be held liable if they were told and did nothing about it.
Please keep us informed on how this plays out.
Ok, you have been advised to go home, then maybe u should do it but not without a nice letter sent certified mail. Stating you have advised them of the changes you have seen in Mom. That as Moms doctors they have advised you to go home, which you will be doing. But, if something happens to your Mom that they will be held accountable. (not sure of the accountable part) But if they don't respond to the letter than they have agreed u could go home based on their findings that Mom is OK to live on her own.
Does Mom have any friends that are willing to check on her? See if you can get Mom to assign u POA. (drs seem to think she is OK) or at least put you on her bank accts so you can pay bills if you need to. Ask her to notify utilities that if bills are not paid they can contact you. Call Adult Protection, ask them if there is anything they can do. At least to document you have called about your concerns. That u have hit a brick wall.
I guess its time to sit Mom down and say you are leaving. If she agrees to the above thank her that it will help you feel better about leaving her. That you are a call away if she needs something. You will be giving her the space she needs and you hope that she is careful because of the COVID. Ask if she needs to be shown how to handle the check book since Dad probably did it. Don't argue with her. At this point her doctors feel she is a competent adult. Parents don't appreciate children telling them what to do.
This will be hard and u may need help dealing with it. Call her once a day just to say Hi. If you feel something is wrong you can always call APS and ask for a well visit. They have the authority to take Mom out of the home if they feel she is not competent to care for herself.
Ask her Therapist, since he/she is suggesting you go home, will he/she be keeping up with her.
Leave knowing you have tried. Thats all u can do if her doctors say she is competent.
I’m already doing all her bills online and have my name on her bank accounts. She wants me to change them all over to paper statements so she can write checks but I keep telling her it’s just for now. When she moves she can write all the checks she wants. Still a fight every month. :(
She has no one here to help her. No family and no friends and I fear the loneliness will get to her. She wears a mask but it doesn’t seal and I bought her a clear visor as well but she hees and haws about not being able to see good through it. It’s always something. She’s just not aware of her surroundings very much and is always touching her face and I try to remind her you can’t until you wash your hands well these days. Things like that I worry about as Covid is far too catchy.
What a mess. For 18 years I only heard about how she wants to come home. Then he passed and now she wants to stay here. I’m puzzled and frustrated.
You're telling her how to live, what to eat, and that she's crazy. I'm not at all sure it is ridiculous that she sees your attitude as controlling.
Back off. Give her space. If you're concerned about how she will manage without any support, get in touch with her Area Agency on Aging and find out about local services.
she would never allow any services to come over. She doesn’t trust anyone in her house. She’s scared and paranoid and fearful of everything. Every second she things there is a leak or something changed or someone stole something while she was away. It’s exhausting to keep reaffirming and just get baited into an argument. I risked our lives on a plane to get us back here. Now I’m stuck here trying to keep my job and her life afloat. But she wants normalcy and to go out — don’t we all?
In either case, Heaven forbid you take her into your own care or move her against her will.
If she is not demented and is capable of caring for herself, then leave. And stay tuned. Call daily. Get someone to check on her even if paid to do so.
She has asked you to leave. At this point I would do so, making it clear you cannot drop everything should she want you back. Clearly, this is, as you say, changing your relationship and doing her no good.
If she chooses to shop, then let her. I am 78. I am masked and wash up and do what I must do to live my life.
Unless you believe there is dementia involved, move home, and stay tuned.
You do recognize your mother is unsafe alone. You do recognize she will not accept your care. It is no easy thing, nor a certain thing at all if a Senior can even respond to questions in court, to get guardianship. And Mom will almost certain not assign you POA. You may have little choice other than to go home, and let the chips fall as they may; you sort of see where they are going.
Wishing you the best of luck going forward.
life this Covid to take a little off the plate.
These folks have the ability to deem her in need of someone to be in charge of her life.
As worried as you are of her, she is not incompetent. You need to let her doctors know that you are leaving and that if they think she is need of guardianship of conservation ship, they need to take action as you need to conserve your own help.
I think your therapist, if s/he said "you cannot heal someone who doesn't want to be healed" about your mom, was sending you a powerful message.
You cannot heal your mom. Only she can do that.
I wish the "guilt" posting would be eliminated. I have yet to meet a felon on this site who with purpose and malice aforethought did grievous harm and now feels guilty. Grief is the word. You aren't a felon. You also aren't a Saint and cannot fix everything.
Your Mom now needs evaluation. Whether that is done by the ER DUMP in which you drive her to the ER and refuse to take her home until they deem her suitable for discharge on her own, or whether you demand her MD and Psyc person get her evaluated, it needs to be done. What is happening NOW otherwise can go on for decades, worsening by the day.
After evaluation decisions have to be made. Who will be her conservator and where will she be placed? What are the assets. Who will be the guardian--you or the State (which will appoint a fiduciary which will work just GREAT in all likelihood. Certainly is for my bro's ex partner.
There are few choices here. Mom is alone, unsafe and failing. She will need placement and evaluation whether started through APS, through her docs, or through an ER DUMP. If you need details on how to do that I am your girl. I was a nurse, and know what it looks like.
It is time for you to go home and have a life. Your Mom needs care. This isn't getting her care, nor is it helping her, nor is it giving you a life to live. Covid is quite honestly the least of it in all this. Covid will be with us until we get a vaccine and we will have all to do the best we can. I am 78. My partner is 80. We recognize that Covid is going to take MANY elders. We well may be among them and have set our house in order. It's here. It is going nowhere for now. But there are things here that can be addressed one way or another. Not everything can be made nice, good, agreeable or even fixed so that there is no grief. And certainly this is one of those cases,I think.
You willingly gave up your life, so stop looking for her gratitude for what you have done. She didn't want what you forced on her. Sorry.
Go home and let her sort it out. She doesn't want you running her life. Give it up.
You keep saying she is all you have left, your husband must feel like crap to hear that.
You need therapy to learn that your mom is an adult and can make any bad choices that she chooses.
I got 'oh it's you', woe is me & complaints when I visited my Mother frequently in rehab. When I dropped back the visits, she was actually glad to see me.
How far is it to go home? How long were you planning to stay?
Even two nights in a hotel then re-visit would be cheaper than returning all the way home then have to come out again, yes? I liked that idea someone floated. Gives your Mom a little time & space. May help you too? You may gain confidence she will be ok for a while - or if definately not, you will at least know for sure.
You could take the two days as time out for yourself. Listen to music, watch tv, accept what the present situation is.
It’s two flights to get home so not easy to get back and/or forth.
In fact, make her a milkshake, add some ensure with it for more protein.
Do get her out of the house for a bit.. Do let her wear a mask. Do keep the hand sanitizer in the car. Go order some food from her favorite restaurant, drive, pick it up, and take it to a park near home, and have a picnic.
Do get her out of the house for a fun moment. Take the precautions, and say:
Mom let's be a lil daring and get some take out and sit outside. And if you dont' feel like that's safe, sit outside in her back yard.
She needs to be able to go through her emotions, and you need to be there and go through them too.
Dad was abusive, but she stayed with him, and she probably misses him.Tell her it's okay. Find some happy moment with your dad. Find something happy or funny. There is always a LITTLE bit of good in everybody. You just need to find it, or ask her what drew her to dad in the first place? Mom what was dad like when you first met him? How did he propose, and were you surprised, or did you know he was going to propose? Make it a nice easy conversation while you are eating your Chinese takeout in the backyard, or in the park, or on the porch of the house - next door... I don't know.. find a fun place to have your takeout, and breathe. detune.
Find a fun movie on tv or netflix, just sit, have your hot fudge sundae and watch a comedy or something.
Both of you will get through this, let it flow.. Perhaps, her attitude will change too.
Does she have friends nearby to check on her when you go back home?
Before you leave, ask the DMV or someone to evaluate her driving...
Can she still drive? Is she okay behind the wheel?
If not, then you may be able to convince her to sell one of the cars.
Was there a living trust? Does she have a living trust?
Are you POA for her on finances and health? If not, make sure you get that done. You can go to a paralegal if she has an easy estate. You may be able to draw one up yourself since you are the only child.
Make sure she has POLST done with her doctor, and/or DNR.
If she has accounts and a home make sure you are on her accounts, joint accounts. And you may or may not want to be on real property. Look into all aspects. As one of the posts said, they got their things in norder since COVID.
I need to do that too...
No, I don't think you are a monster. I don't know you. The issues you are dealing with, are similar to issues that some other people on this forum are dealing with while trying to care for their parents as well as they possibly can.
In most part, the posts people write are to help and suggest, not to make people feel like they are doing anything wrong. I tend to babble while writing, and it's worse in person when I talk..
Please, sort out the suggestions that you read, and take into consideration the ones that you liked reading. Other suggestions... There is no right or wrong answer. These are suggestions and opinions from people who want to --- for a lack of a better word --- help in some tiny way. Some people are more spot on with their responses.
Trying to make the right decision for a parent, (old child), and taking care of them, can be very hard in ALL aspects of caring for a loved one.
I am glad you are doing all of this for your mom. Yes, sugar is addictive. my brother had early onset ALZ per say, and I suppose his brain craved sugar. He downed 3 glasses of rootbeer within minutes one time when I took him out.. A story for another time.
Take care.