I know there are no answers to fix my problem. Just want to get it out.
Sibling stole $310,000 from Mom's checking account after Mom moved in with me in 2016 because sibling said I would steal Mom's money because she would not be involved in her care. We had to get an attorney to get the money back and put it in a revocable trust in Mom's name only. Mom's oldest grandson is Durable power of attorney for her. Can't have sibling involved in legal documents because of her theft. Every time Mom talks to sibling she never gets on to her for what she has done and she does not talk about how great we take care of her and how she is so lucky to have us because she doesn't want sibling to feel guility. This is so sad for us for the sacrifice we have made for her. She does share living expenses with her SS but does not pay us for the care we give her. I have had breast cancer for the 3rd time and a second mastectomy in April 2019. Husband diagnosed with prostate cancer in November 2019. He was suppose to start radiation therapy in January 2020 but came down with a respitory virus and was in medical hospital and rehab hospital for the whole month of January. Mom and I also got the virus but luckily was not hospitalized. Husband finally got radiation therapy finished the end of March. Then Mom had a mild stroke in June 2020 and was in medical hospital and rehab hospital for a month. She is 91. With the coronavirus everthing has been so stressful I wonder how long I can keep going. Sibling has never admitted she was, and is, wrong, and Mom doesn't seem to care. They only stay in touch occasionally by phone. I am the only one that my father asked not to ever put Mom in a nursing home before he passed away. Hopefully if the coronavirus goes away I can get help in here. I will never go in a nursing home or get my family to care of me when I get to the point I can't take care of myself. If I financially can afford in house care, ok, otherwise I'm out of this world.
The sad truth is that we can't get others to do ANYTHING they don't want to do.
There is a lot on your plate and I am so sorry for that. You have been through a lot, and it seems you are entering into a time of recognition that you have your own limitations. I wish you luck in making good decisions for yourself on going.
Never say never. You and DH are having your own health problems. Mom may need, as she ages, more care than you can give. But, we will pray that never happens.😊
The Virus doesn't have to 'go away' for you to hire in home help, either. Have them tested regularly and ask them to wear N95 masks while caring for your mother. That's all. Easy peasy.
Your sister doesn't feel the need to justify her theft, and your mother doesn't feel the need to ask her to. You are the one who's chosen to put up with this entire situation, in spite of having serious health issues yourself and with your DH.
Please allow yourself to take care of YOU and your DH now. It's allowed, no matter what deathbed agreement you made and under what duress that promise was made. Things change. I'm sure your father would not have asked such an unreasonable thing of you had he known you would be suffering from multiple rounds of cancer, etc. Hindsight is always 20:20, right?
Think about, and do, what's best for ALL concerned here. Otherwise, your mother may wind up outliving you! I say that myself sometimes.........my mother will be 94 in January and has less health issues than I do, and way less than my husband does. Yet all she does is complain 24/7, but at least it's from 4 miles away in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence, not the bedroom down the hall.
Good luck!
You can control how you react to what is said.
If this continues to be toxic you might want to find other living arrangements for mom so you are less subjected to what is said.
And if you are waiting for sibling to apologize I think it will be a very long wait. Don't expect it and if it comes you can be surprised and pleased.
With the coronavirus I need to take a risk and hire someone to come in and help.
Yes there are! Hang in there.
"Just want to get it out"
Excellent start. Getting some of it out of your head, onto paper (or a screen).
Can you get a break? Get some home help in? Start small. An afternoon a week? Talk a long walk, sit in a park or take a drive on your own. Some physical & brain space.
Once I took a break, it became easier to see what I didn't want. Then eventually what I DID want.. then the steps appeared out of the fog for the way forward.
when they hit the point they could not make their payments on their 2nd mortgage--they essentially lost their house.
YB moved them in with him. Of course the other 5 of us were beyond furious---this theft affected us a great deal.
Mom still slipped OB cash when he'd come to see her.
Because of this one rotten apple, my parents had to scrape to live. Luckily all of pitched in when we could. OB finally had a huge fight with all the rest of us and was 'excused' from being part of the family--he just could not be around any of us.
He was mother's favorite child and we all knew it. Even stealing this money and valuables from her didn't change the fact she adored him to no end.
He died about 8(?) years ago, I can't remember. It was actually a huge relief--he couldn't father any more kids, he couldn't ruin any more lives.
Mother stood up FOR HIM and NOT for herself or daddy.
I do not understand this dynamic and never will.
I've learned to never think about him and that is very helpful.
You need to let go both for yourself and your mother. She will likely be much happier in a skilled facility with other residents.
Read the book titled Boundaries by Townsend. It’s transformative. I’ve had to set boundaries and stick to them.
My parents are both nearly 90. I’m their carer but they live independently. I will never ever move them in with me.
She also doesn’t want to be placed in the middle. No one likes being in the middle of things.
You cannot expect her to change. So change your reaction instead.
This happens more often than you think. It’s very awkward and it isn’t fair but unfortunately, I don’t see it changing.
My mom does this too. She favored her sons! She catered to them her whole life and expected me to as well.
They were her little princes and I was the servant. I broke the cycle. Break your cycle.
She is not happy that I went no contact with my siblings.
Who cares? I am at peace now! I changed my reaction instead of trying to change her.
I chose to please myself instead of asking her to be fair and please me.
Please, change yourself. Do what you need to do for you.
I am no longer my mom’s caregiver. My sibling now has my mom and now he and wife number four sees exactly what I went through!
Whoever said that life is fair? Life isn’t fair. Never has been.
My mom adores my children. They adore her.
They are wonderful young women. My mom is wonderful with them.
Mom never puts me down to my children. She knows that it would hurt my daughters.
I never put her down to my children. They love their grandmother.
They are entitled to a grandmother. She deserves to have her grandchildren.
I would never interfere in their relationship. Who would benefit from it if I allowed anger to interfere?
I stay out of it. Their relationship has nothing to do with me.
I have told my children that I understand that they love their grandmother and I absolutely know that my mom loves them.
My children are aware of how mom has treated me. They don’t like it but they don’t interfere with my relationship with my mom. We are able to respect privacy and not overstep our boundaries.
Would I want mom to love and respect me the way she does my brothers and my children?
Of course I wanted that. So much time has gone by that I know better than to expect that. I stopped wishing for it.
To be truthful, I stopped caring for my own sanity. I am at peace now.
Wishing peace for you. You will figure it out. Take care.