How can I help my 94-year-old dad stop dwelling on my mother’s death 2 1/2 years ago?

Dwelling on losing a spouse every once in a while seems pretty normal. If it were all day, every day, that may be a different story.

Your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss.

When my dad died, my mom felt responsible because she didn’t try to talk him out of his heart surgery. He actually came through his surgery fine. He had a stroke shortly afterwards while recovering in the hospital.

It broke my heart that she blamed herself. I explained to her that she did the right thing by supporting my father’s decision to have the surgery and if he hadn’t had surgery he would have surely died.

I think it is common for a spouse to second guess or even feel responsible in some way. You have responded to his concerns in a loving manner.

Your profile says that he has Alzheimer’s disease. How far along is he? Do you think that he is capable of processing this situation accurately?

If his mobility weren't so poor, what sort of activity might he enjoy? I ask because mobility is a solvable problem - there are plenty of ways round that if there aren't other reasons he'd prefer not to be disturbed. Before your mother became so frail what kind of weekly schedule did they have together? And how is his health generally?

94, or presumably 92 as was, is a hard age to lose your life's companion. Not knowing him I can't guess how motivated he is to adjust, or whether it's kind or realistic to encourage him to put in the effort. But in any case it would be a terrible pity if his outstanding memory of his long marriage is the end of it. Can you get him to think more about the whole of their history together?

What is his day to day interaction with your brother like?

Similar story for my dad re COVID 9/2020 before there was a vax. Aide brought it in. We never got to say goodbye. His symptoms were atypical. No one thought he had it. Four hours later, he was dead. Taking care of my mom/finances (wheelchair from stroke in 201) consumed any spare my sister/I had till mom died at home, relatively peacefully this fall. I never grieved my dad. Or honestly, so far, my mom. I think I'm just exhaused. Lately though, I've been second-guessing everything we did. Like your dad. Maybe that's part of the grieving process?

Nelson, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom to COVID.

I think dad is grieving, but also ruminating. Not good for him. This is something that often happens when folks have dementia; they tend to go over and over a memory (at least with my MIL, always negative ones). It's painful to watch and I imagine painful for them.

There are antidepressant medications that can specifically help with ruminating; you might consider a consult with a geriatric psychiatrist.

2-1/2 years on seems like his grief has morphed or blended in with depression and also maybe compounded by cognitive decline.

If he is not already on medication for depression/mood, I would talk to his doctor about this as your next action. He obviously isn't able to pull himself out of this tailspin, so his PoA needs to help him. Talking to him about it and allowing him to drell on it is not working.

You can also try redirecting the conversations he starts on this topic: move past his negative, guilty comments and help him count the blessings he gave to your Mom as a good and faithful husband. Then change the subject to something unrelated and positive/neutral/uplifting -- find funny animal videos on YouTube or Instagram to move his mind off the subject. Come up with activities for him: have a tub of nuts and bolts that "need" to be paired (like, a lot so that it keeps him busy for 30 minutes or more). Use large ones so it is easier for him to manipulate. I wish you all the best as you work to help him!

If your father is home alone all day, what about getting him a companion? Not a caregiver. A companion who will come a few hours a day a few times a week. Even if your father doesn't want to go out, just having someone coming over to talk with him or have coffee with him will be a big help.
Can your father be taken out with a wheelchair? Even if it's just outside for a while or for a drive.
I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I've had lots of clients like your father. Who lived alone with their husband or wife. Then one of them passes away. Its devastating and if they're home alone all the time, that's bad.
Look into getting him a hired companion. I remember an old WWII veteran I worked for. He was married for over 50 years when his wife passed. He was pretty independent and could still do for himself, but he never left the house. His whole life had become obsessing over his wife's death and cable news.
I started bringing my son around when he was little. He was talking with my client about how his Cub Scout troup was marching in the memorial day parade and invited him. He came with us. That was the first time he'd left the house since his wife's funeral. After that he'd tell him to go ask his ma (me) if she wants to go for ice cream. Then we'd go. We would go to the park too.
He didn't obssess about his wife or cable news quite as much.
Maybe a companion will be what your father needs now.

Burnt’s posting brought back such wonderful memories of my mom’s brother. My uncle served in WW11, Korea and Vietnam.

We took him to our WW11 museum here in New Orleans, which is incredibly moving. He enjoyed that outing so much.

Many of the volunteers are retired vets and it is a very special museum that tells the stories of those who bravely fought for our country.

It is so wonderful that Burnt allowed this gentleman that she was a companion to share these memories with her son. How special for each of them.

Whatever your actual beliefs, this might be a good situation to say “God decides for us about life and death. God made that decision for her, and there was nothing you could do to change it”.

It might help. Yours, Margaret

Maybe its time for Dad and brother to go to an AL together. Would give Dad and brother some socialization and prepare your brother for a group home atmosphere. At 94 it must be hard for Dad to care for a special needs child who is almost or maybe 70 yrs old. I knew woman who did this with her Downs Syndrome daughter. In her 60s the daughter started showing symptoms of Dementia an started acting out. I have a SNs nephew who lives on his own for now but because of a neurological disorder Dementia is in his future. I have been able to set up help for him. I still do for him and handle his finances but nice to have back up.

You state in your profile that dad has dementia/Alzheimer's.
He is not going to easily get out of the fixation that he could have done something.
Due to your dad's age and the help that he needs along with your disabled brother I strongly suggest that you look for an AL facility that will take both and they can be together. But when dad passes your brother will be in a place that is familiar to him with staff that he is familiar with so there will be no need for a transition. (Or if they would both be alright in Memory Care that might be the place to start.)
Would dad do well in an Adult Day program? They participants home by 4.
where does your brother go during the day?

During covid families of dying patients were treated terrible. I met a man who lost his daughter years ago because the nurses told him to go home and get rest and when he got home he received a phone call that his daughter had died. He never forgave himself for leaving, and he relives that day over and over. My friend lost her dad the same way, however she recalls that day but does not regret going home. I believe that we see our loved ones again but it still hurts that we do not have them here with us. Some one has already wrote that if you tell your dad that God makes the decision when we are to leave this world, add that we will see them again and we can touch and hug them. Maybe you can have a conversation that could state "what will you do when you see her again? hug, kiss, tell her what you did while she was gone?" This may take him in a different direction. Dementia is hard and each case is different do what works for you! Hugs

How long were your parents together? Not that it matters because people handle grief differently regardless. But my grandparents were married for 62 years when my grandfather passed. Had he not passed when he did and he was still with us - they would be celebrating their 77th anniversary this year. They were one of those couples that never seemed to get out of the honeymoon phase. They morphed into one person by the time I came along. And my mom as an only child honestly became an extension of them rather than their child. (she has some thoughts on that, but they aren't really germane to this topic)

Frankly, when my grandfather passed away, we as a family did not imagine my grandmother would be with us more than 6 months to a year after. But she will be 97 this year.

As I said, grief is different for everyone. Sometimes when we are able to process our own grief more quickly or in a way that we might consider more healthy than someone else, it is difficult for us to really wrap our heads around why someone else can't do it too.

My grandmother was not with my grandfather when he passed away. He had been in the hospital for over a month. She was literally at the hospital for the entire month. When he had an actual room - she slept on the couch. When he was in ICU, one of us slept in the waiting room in a chair so that she wouldn't be alone because she refused to leave. She would shower when he got a room.
We knew - every single one of us - what was happening - in our hearts. He was waiting for her to leave. And she was staying so that he wouldn't go.

When we finally got her to leave - when the doctors begged her to go home just for a few hours - that was when he was able to find his peace.

She still to this day maintains if she had stayed he wouldn't have passed away.

And to this day - she still grieves him. She didn't pass away when he did. But she stopped living. And it breaks my heart. My daughters, who are adults now, I had to stop allowing them to spend the night with her - because unbeknownst to me - when I thought she was taking them out for fun great grandmother/great granddaughter time - she was actually taking them and sitting at his graveside all day - crying. I didn't know what else to do - they still spent time with her - but I just couldn't allow them to do that with her any longer.

She spent over 5 years spending as many days as she could at his graveside for as many hours as she could. Then she finally stopped doing that except for special days - anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. Then she got to the point where it was just too hard on her body to do that. Now she will get my mom to take her out to put flowers on his grave for special days.

I don't mean to make it sound like your situation is hopeless. I just wanted to point out that there is a possibility that he may not be ready yet to stop grieving. And to be fair, he may never be ready. Especially if he has dementia or Alzheimer's - he may relive some or all of it, or forget some or all of it on a regular basis. We can't put parameters on grief no matter how much we want someone to be able to move on.

There isn't anything inherently wrong with wanting him to move on and heal. You have the absolute best intentions. Believe me, I understand. You want him to feel better and be able to move forward. But he may just not be at that point yet.

Depression is a possibility. My grandmother certainly is depressed. There is no question. But her depression is wrapped around her grief. And all we can do at this point is love her through it.

Condolences for your late mother and sorry to see your father suffer the loss of his wife.

The best advice I ever received from a therapist was about grief. He told me to make an area with some belongings I could go to and purposefully grieve. He said over time, that will become less and less, and that was true.
Set up an area for him. Sit with him or let him have the time to think about her, talk about her and grieve her loss.
The flip side to that is after a few weeks, if he starts to go into more than just a casual light conversation about her, direct him to his spot. He will get the idea that he has an area and all the time he needs to grieve her, but that he needs do it in that way. If it remains an issue, explain to him that you've been through your grieving process and it would help you if he used this method to work through his.

I hope this helps.

I'm sorry for your family's heartache and your continued troubles.

Dwelling once in a while about the death of his sweetheart especially at his age is all he's got until that last huge meaningful impression is replaced by something else, which isn't likely going to happen unless you plan to take him on a weekend away or better.

So as much as you need to be cut a lot of slack, I know how wearing hearing a broken record is, on top of wanting to fix things (like he wishes he could've) but can't fix, is very frustrating, you're going to have to, I'm sorry, extend yourself even further with answers like...
Dad, you terrific hero you, mom's soul needed to let go of a sick body. She would've lived with machines and in pain if (G-d, Nature?) did make the best decision for her. I believe she's hears us, she's still connected, wouldn't you be, and she doesn't want you to suffer. She may be hurting not seeing us smile and talk about happy fun things like…hey, btw, remember that time at the neighbor's backyard barbecue and Fred fell into the pool with his sandwich. Or that silly time at the lakeside picnic. Or uncle Bill's wedding. We'll see her soon enough and I don't want her to tell us that she was disappointed and sad that she made us miserable.

When he says, "I could have shaken her awake"… You say, I love you dad. I love the way you loved mom, (kiss him on the head and say), but dad you are not a defibrillator. She's become a young woman again waiting for the right time to see us again.

Besides, as a matter of fact, I heard they treated her extra special because the nurses liked her best, and they were not supposed to tell us that or they'd get into trouble. So now you know a secret.

If you don't go much because his mobility is poor, speak to a social worker, put him in a wheel chair, get him to see the sunshine. Bring him to a park, a mall. Find a massive out door parking lot, go to the most further end, hopefully where there are trees, bring a picnic. Never give up, never give up, don't become like him. Tell him you need his help.

As a caregiver our team always go through this challenge, therapy or in general someone he could talk to about living with grief about someone passing may help. Getting him involved in some group activities as he feels better or taking some walks with him may also help ease any loneliness and help with mobility

Matilda

Grief can be very debilitating and, given that you share he may have some cognitive challenges/ dementia??, he may simply be revisiting her death since he cannot remember that he has already done so. That said, try to have his or a community faith pastor , chaplain see him in the home or get grief support for him( if he is cognitively able to participate). Speak with Senior social services in his community for possible services and also with his PCP.
When you are with him, while it's important to let him talk about it, it may be helpful to simply redirect the conversation to something else. This may help him as well as yourself.

nelsonca: I am so sorry for the loss of your mother to the Novel Coronavirus. As your father suffers from dementia, that makes it doubly hard as he is grieving with a dementia diagnosis. You state that "every once in a while," he has these thought patterns and the fact that he is alone most of the day perhaps the thoughts magnify. Deepest condolences sent.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your mom and about your dads grief. While it is hard for you, it is perhaps relieving for him to be able to discuss her loss with you and your brother. Sometimes to be emotionally validated is soothing. Here is a good article on emotional validation. It isn’t agreeing with him that he is right but allowing him to express his emotions and knowing his feelings are being heard/understood that might help.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-validation-425336

You might also read a bit about how a sudden loss of a person can be a form of ptsd.
Not everyone grieves the same.

Covid created some long lasting horrors for many people and for the very reason you mentioned. Not being able to be with your loved one at the end, or only for a few minutes when at the very end, gave a whole new meaning to grief. So much guilt for those left behind because you couldn't be there to comfort. It was just as bad for the person inside who wanted their love one who would make them feel more secure. There may not be much you can do to console dad about his feelings. I still have issues about my loved one. Somedays it comes on like a sudden wave. Just keep assuring him, as you have, that they did what they could and the virus made it impossible to visit.

Talk to his doctor. He may be suffering from depression - very common among older generations. He (and brother) could benefit from Adult Day Care for more interactions with other seniors and homebound individuals.