My friend has been showing signs of Level 4+ dementia for a couple of years. She can appear normal to manic/euphoric at "showtime," become arrogant, and accusatory, or start a tantrum as a weepy, vulnerable manipulator.
She has had three long marriages, each of which ended with the husband growing weary of her self-centeredness and leaving her for a woman with whom he spent the remainder of his life (an equal or greater number of years). Wealthy husband No. 2, who cut off all communication after the divorce 20+ years ago, has died. His reasons for divorcing were quite specific, she was locked out of their homes, and his sentiments were reflected in the settlement.
She is relieved he is gone, but wants to attend the funeral and has asked for my thoughts. I have reminded her how hurt she was, how long it took for her to stop publicly obsessing over it (repeating victim stories many years into her third marriage), and that the other woman will be front and center with the family at the funeral.
Revealing what compels her after all these years, she says she wants to be there to "greet their friends," Who she confirms she has not socialized with since the divorce, and to find out if her ex-husband included her in his Will. I am appalled. All of this sounds like poor timing, bad judgment, attention-seeking, delusional wife competition, and unmoored thinking.
I have suggested she might be happier making meaningful overtures to former friends at a better, more positive time when she would get focused attention, and to have a quiet, private phone call with the attorney, but she seems fixated on creating a visible role for herself at the funeral. Is there another way to handle this? I'm unsure my full thoughts on the subject would be a helpful answer to her question about attending.
Give the family a heads up (if you can)that she might somehow show up so they can be ready to bounce her if she does.
Usually people like your friend are afraid of getting arrested.
All of the above. This is exactly why she wants to go. Those 'friends' she wants to be there to greet who haven't spoken to her since the divorce do not want to be greeted by her at their friend's funeral. The deceased ex-husband got custody of those friends in the divorce. Those people aren't interested in seeing her. The widow certainly isn't either. Also, it most certainly isn't her place to greet people coming to the wake/funeral.
If I were you, I would not bring her or help her get there. All her presence will do is upset the widow and family then you'll get blamed for bringing her or helping her get there.
My friend, there are some people who can't walk past a pot of sh*t without stopping to stir it. Your friend sounds like one of those people.
They did not have an amicable divorce and from what you say they didn't even any friendly towards each other. If she is mentioned in her late ex-husband's will and my guess is she is not, the court will notify her when his Will is filed.
OMG Burnt, now I have the serious giggles, but isn't that the truth.
I am stealing that saying. Consider it MINE!
🙄
I experienced a situation where my brother's ex wife showed up and made a complete a$$ out of herself throughout the entire funeral service. I think she attended out of spite. She criticized everybody who had something nice to say about my brother. I didn't go to the repass which was a luncheon being held at a very nice restaurant. It cut my visit short with family, and I wanted to mingle with my nieces and nephew. I hadn't seen them in almost twenty years because I had enough of their mother's foolishness. I felt sorry for his widow having to face the nutcase.
She will not find out if she is included in the Will. If she is she will be notified.
You can give her all the advice you can about NOT attending but unless someone does something to keep her away what she does is her own choosing. For example if she is depending on you for a ride you can refuse to give her one.
If you know the family of this man you could let them know of her desire to attend and they can have someone prevent her from entering. Will this maybe cause a scene.....? … probably but that is what she wants right....?
Trust me, the main reason is not to greet her friends but to see if she's in the Will. But reason and logic don't seem to work with this delusional woman. It's not your job to prevent her from going and making a fool of herself. She seems to have untreated mental health issues. I'd tell her very bluntly that her going makes her look crazy, even to you. See what she does with this piece of info.
But if I did and if she asked me for my thoughts I guess I would just have to say: "I think you are kind of a nut case".
You say this "friend" is "showing signs of level 4 dementia". Is that someone's opinion or is that diagnosed?
Has this friend been examined for mental illness? Because this sounds much more like a serious personality disorder than it does dementia. Just my humble opinion.
I think since you asked how to redirect your friend as regards this funeral, I would say that no matter her current diagnosis you CAN'T redirect her. A) those with level four dementia or mental illness aren't capable of being redirected and B) you aren't really qualified to care for either condition.
What I WOULD do, if I knew family of the current "other woman" is forewarn them that this friend of yours intends to attend and may become disruptive, and that they should have some strongarms ready to escort her from the building. The funeral establishment should alike to forewarned.
This certainly does sound like a celebration of life I would enjoy attending. But I doubt the mourners would feel the same.
See All Answers