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So far he is doing a really good job of following the rules of the road. Im usually with him, but he has often left without me. When I realize that he has left, I just pray and put it in God's hand.
Not sure why you want him to stop driving. It sounds like you've witnessed behavior that concerns you. The answer to your question is you can't. If you need to stop him for safety reasons then do so. But you can't control his response.
You suck it up and make sure he doesn’t drive again. If he threatens you, tell him to stop or you’ll call the police. Then if he threatens again, call them. (Advice I got from a lawyer years ago.)
No spouse should live in fear of the other. And fear of him should not be the reason that you don’t get him off the roads before he injures or kills you, him, or others.
You give very few details for context, so I'll assume you have witnessed unsafe driving on more than one occasion.
He needs to be stopped immediately. This means hiding the keys, disabling the car, etc. He will get angry but you tell him that if he thinks he's still a safe driver he will now need to prove it by taking a virtual driving assessment. This is done by making an appointment with his primary care doctor for this specific reason. The primary writes an order for the assessment through the clinic's OT dept.
He will take a written MoCA test (for executive function) and a physical reaction test. The OT will then review the results of this testing to him. For my Mom, the OT told her that she only got 16 of the 30 written questions correct (fail) and failed the reaction test. The OT told her this was considered high risk driver and that these results would be passed on to her primary doctor who is a mandated reporter. The primary reports the failure to the Dept of Public Safety, who will then cancel the license (but if comes in snail mail letter form so you'll still have to prevent his driving until then).
To lessen the blow of this loss, you may want to ramp up rides from family, friends, neighbors for a while. I did this for my Aunt, discretely asking people to offer rides her and then giving them gc's to my Aunt's favorite restaurants so that the errand was also a social outing. It helped a lot.
My Uncle wasn't stopped by his children and drive through a red light and was t-boned on his wife's side killing her instantly. Fortunately the other victimes were not seriously hurt.
NEVER let him drive you. Those days are over. Please know you have a mandate to do whatever it takes to keep him and others safe.
You don't mention that your husband has dementia, but I'm guessing he does, as that is usually the main reason one should stop driving. I guess my question for you would be...would you rather he be angry at you for a bit or have to live with the fact that he killed an innocent family or person because you didn't speak up and prevent him from driving? So you need to either take his keys away, disable the car or have the car removed from your property to prevent something horrible happening while he is behind the wheel. And you can also have his doctor speak to him about it as well if you think he will listen better to him. But regardless, your husband MUST be kept off the roadways to keep all the rest of us safe. It's the least you can do.
If he is a danger to himself or others due to mental or physical deficits I would take your concerns to the desk of your local DMV for advice.
If your husband is so ill that he cannot understand his ability to safely drive is impaired, then discussion with him on the matter will be of to no avail, and will be frustrating to you both.
I got help from his Alzheimer’s doc and his PCP. The first gave him the standard cognitive test (think the Donald Trump test: woman man person camera TV). He got 17 out of 30 and the doctor told him he did poorly enough on the test that he should no longer drive for his and others’ safety because of poor reasoning. She noted it on his medical chart. From then on, when driving came up, I told him that he took a test and failed.
He will probably be angry. Many people are angry about having this freedom taken away from them. If you fear his safety, and the safety of others, then you must do so anyway. Hide the keys, disable the car. (It used to be, you could just remove the coil wire, easy to take off and put on and small enough to fit in a purse) You can help him by finding alternatives; a ride share app or family and friends to offer rides so he can still go where he wants to go. Putting it in God's hand is not enough. That is avoidance on your part. You know you must act to protect innocent people who could be killed by an unsafe driver.
You haven't answered any of our questions as to why your husband should not be driving. I'll assume he has dementia. Rather than leaving the outcome of a potential deadly accident in God's hands, disable his car or lose his keys. Put them in the freezer in tin foil where he'll never find them. As far as him throwing a fit, you cannot prevent that, but you'll likely be saving lives. I'd rather have my husband angry at me, wouldn't you?
I stopped my husband from driving about 4 years ago. I tried to get the Dr’s help but no luck. It comes up in every argument over the years. I have since learned of people who had their LO take a driving test. So they are not mad at them. Try to find something like that. If you can’t, just do it. I don’t regret making the decision. He carried the fob for years without trying to drive, but then someone asked me a significant question. What if he forgets he can’t drive? So the next time it ended up in the laundry basket it got lost. He has never asked about it. Good luck, you aren’t alone.
Perhaps the required reporting for doctors is state regulated. We live in PA and it is strictly followed. Moreover, once rescinded, it is close to impossible to go through the detailed evaluations to get it reinstated. Maybe check your state's regulations.
One possible reason he has not asked to drive anymore is my husband went through a severe period of fear and paranoia right around that time. I believe he wanted to be a driver but no longer could master his fear of driving. This was the same period where he knew something was very wrong but could not really understand it. When he would try to talk and couldn't, he would hit himself in his head. It was heartbreaking.
If he Kills someone you are responsible . His License should be revoked, the car Keys Hidden and eventually tow the car away . Very dangerous to let someone drive with dementia . They Lose keys , they stop on the highway , they get Lost , the battery dies in a parking Lot , they don't remember where the car is , they Park On the sidewalk .
I have been researching to see to what extent a spouse generally would be liable...
"Vehicle Ownership: If the car is titled in your name (or jointly), the injured party could sue under an “owner liability” or “negligent entrustment” theory. This usually requires proving that you knowingly allowed him to drive with impairment."
I guess one is less liable (or not at all) if the car title is only in the impaired driver's name.
Disable the vehicle. He will be mad as hell but will save lives on the road.
Sorry about your husband’s situation, but all driving comes to an end someday. You do not state his health condition(s), but dementia make a dangerous driver.
That one could be simple since doctors have mandatory reporting responsibilty. In other words, any doctor you take him to that diagnoses him with any type of Alzheimers must report it to the state DOT. They must rescind his license by law. They are the ones that notify you, not their doctor so you can still preserve that relationship if you so choose to. This is how my husband stopped driving. He was mad but ultimately understood over time. I did try to get him reinstated within a few months but that process includes extensive testing by a multitude of state level doctors. I also talked our attorney about it and he told us what we needed to do but also told us that it would take 6 months or more and to consider that with his disease progression. We elected not to pursue it.
Sorry you are going through that. In hindsight, my husband without his license, is better for everyone's roadway safety so it was the right thing.
"That one could be simple since doctors have mandatory reporting responsibilty. In other words, any doctor you take him to that diagnoses him with any type of Alzheimers must report it to the state DOT." Can you provide a source for this information? It is not accurate for my state (Wisconsin).
You can get a small combination safe, that only you know the combination to, for the keys. Do not agree to go anywhere with him unless he lets you drive. If he gets angry, remind yourself it will be worse if he injures or kills himself, you, or someone else. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Stay strong. (If he gets so angry that you are afraid he will harm you, leave the situation.)
You probably can't. He will be angry. There may be a program that the doctor can refer you to where he is professionally evaluated and he will have to agree to LIMITED driving. (If your area has this type of evaluation system) As I understand it he has to agree to the restrictions, the information is sent to the DMV and if he is found to be in violation his license will be revoked. Now my personal opinion...a person that has been diagnosed with dementia should not be driving. His car, if he has his own should be disabled. And preferably removed from the property so he does not see it all the time. If you have 1 car then you need to secure the keys so that he can not get them. (I wore my car keys on a clip attached to my belt loop. I still keep my keys that way ...I can't lose my keys if I know where my pants are 🤣) If it takes some of the pressure off you have the doctor tell him that he can no longer drive. The doctor can send a letter to the DMV.
I told my Husband that he was on a medication that while he was taking it he could not drive. I think that might have helped a bit. I will say that before I kept my keys clipped to may belt loop he did get the car 2 times. The second time he was not found for 14 hours and he was in another State.
He WILL be angry with you. Driving is freedom. However, freedom can turn into tragedy. I talked privately to my husband’s health care providers, and they supplied me with the necessary letters to take to the DMV to have his license revoked. The alternative of getting lost or causing an accident is too much risk to take to avoid confronting him. I’m still getting complaints from my husband after forcing the issue last November.
I want to encourage EVERYONE dealing with dementia or memory diagnosis from your health care provider to PLEASE read your auto insurance policy. They DO NOT cover any claims from accidents if the person driving has a diagnosis of dementia in their records, even the very beginning of the disease.
Our policy has this information buried pretty deep in the policy and it is very clear they have covered their responsibility for any liability in these situations.
This is how you stop someone that has been diagnosed from driving, you WILL LOSE EVERYTHING in the event of an accident, you have no insurance, even though you are paying the premiums.
Left without you? He knows there's a rule? Are you allowing him to drive because you can't? Take the keys, you drive if you're licensed. You can have faith in God but that doesn't stop another wreck-less driver. Impaired is Impaired. Does the car have scratches and dents, use them for your defense! Tell him about the dangers of airbags, elderly can't handle the pressure when they implode. Above all,know that we're concerned about you and this situation you have to take control of.
My grandpa told me that when his doctor decided he couldnt drive anymore he would hand over the keys. Boy was that a lie. He was told by SEVERAL doctors he shouldnt drive, his DL was revoked by the state, and we discussed it numerous times but he still fought me literally tooth and nail about it. After one big blow up he handed me the keys and I never gave them back. He told everyone how terrible I was and that I stole them. He would tell me he wanted to drive and that I was not allowed to tell him no. Eventually it ended up causing a huge fight where he threated my entire family and himself and was Baker acted. He was placed in a facility after that as the psych and social workers determined that he was a danger to himself and others along with the fact that he could not take care of himself or be alone all day anymore. It was a blessing and a curse as we have gone through so much with all this. I am hoping your experience ends up resolving easier than mine did
Driving and dementia combination is disaster waiting to happen. Please make sure your hubby does not drive anymore. Below is what I wrote in my book "Dementia Care Companion" about driving. I hope this helps.
Driving Soon, she started having trouble on the road. It was like she didn’t notice road signs anymore. One time, she slammed on the brakes, thinking there was a ditch in front of her car. On the highway, when a car would pass her in the adjacent lane, she’d brake, thinking it was her car that was moving backward.
Whether the patient should continue to drive or hang up their car keys is a common area of contention during the early stage of dementia progression. Patients often insist on driving well past the time when it is safe for them to do so. According to the National Institute of Health, nearly one fifth of patients with documented dementia continue to drive, and two-thirds of those who continue to drive have impaired driving ability.
Signs of Unsafe Driving · Forgets addresses, gets lost in familiar places. · Lacks awareness of time and place. · Does not pay attention to road signs. · Does not observe speed limits. · Drives slowly and makes mistakes. · Gets brake and gas pedals confused. · Becomes angry and confused while driving. · Does not pay attention to street curbs. · Has frequent car accidents.
How to Ask a Loved One Not to Drive She thought she was lucky in finding a parking spot whenever she needed one. When her car got towed, we found out that she had been parking in front of fire hydrants. Ideally, you want to get the patient to agree to stop driving. This is likely an anxiety-provoking subject for the patient, as it would mean giving up a large measure of their independence. By addressing their anxiety, you’re more likely to get them to cooperate. If unsuccessful, however, you may have to resort to more extreme measures, such as hiding the car keys, disabling the car, or selling it.
Getting Help From Your Doctor In many states, doctors are required by law to report to the local health department if a patient is diagnosed with dementia, or is impaired in a way that makes them unable to drive safely. · Ask your doctor to advise the patient not to drive anymore. Patients usually respect their doctor’s advice more than that of their spouse or caregiver. Make sure to get the doctor’s order in writing so you can show it to the patient if they forget.
Getting Help From the DMV In many states, you can request the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to evaluate the driving skills and safety of a loved one that you deem unsafe. You can request the DMV to not divulge your identity. Based on the results of a road test, restrictions may be placed on the driver, like not being able to drive at night, during rush hours, or on freeways. · If the patient’s driver’s license is revoked, you can direct the blame at the DMV. This may help to redirect the patient’s anger and get them to cooperate with you.
Notify Your Insurance Company I asked my wife to pull over for a minute while I ran to the store to pick up our order. As I was waiting to pay the cashier, I looked over and saw my wife standing next to me. Surprised, I asked if she had found a parking spot. “No,” she said. She seemed so calm, so innocent, that I panicked. I ran outside and found the car double-parked, driver’s door ajar, with the engine still running. People with dementia are advised to contact their car insurance carriers to ensure that their insurance policies remain in force. Amendments may be required to cover for their illness. Insurance companies may refuse to pay damages if a person with dementia gets into a car accident and the company was not informed of the dementia at the time of diagnosis.
There is a service now through LYFT called Silver Lyft which you can get rides and they will cater to seniors all you need is a debit card . I used LYFT all the time with my Dad .
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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You can’t put it into God’s hands. What if he kills a child? An entire family? Then they come after your estate because he is at fault.
But actually it doesn’t matter the reason . If he is not safe driving without you than he’s not safe driving with you either .
He needs to stop driving entirely if you are putting it in God’s hands. It’s not fair to everyone else on the road.
Most men get angry over giving up driving . Hide the keys
But you can't control his response.
No spouse should live in fear of the other. And fear of him should not be the reason that you don’t get him off the roads before he injures or kills you, him, or others.
He needs to be stopped immediately. This means hiding the keys, disabling the car, etc. He will get angry but you tell him that if he thinks he's still a safe driver he will now need to prove it by taking a virtual driving assessment. This is done by making an appointment with his primary care doctor for this specific reason. The primary writes an order for the assessment through the clinic's OT dept.
He will take a written MoCA test (for executive function) and a physical reaction test. The OT will then review the results of this testing to him. For my Mom, the OT told her that she only got 16 of the 30 written questions correct (fail) and failed the reaction test. The OT told her this was considered high risk driver and that these results would be passed on to her primary doctor who is a mandated reporter. The primary reports the failure to the Dept of Public Safety, who will then cancel the license (but if comes in snail mail letter form so you'll still have to prevent his driving until then).
To lessen the blow of this loss, you may want to ramp up rides from family, friends, neighbors for a while. I did this for my Aunt, discretely asking people to offer rides her and then giving them gc's to my Aunt's favorite restaurants so that the errand was also a social outing. It helped a lot.
My Uncle wasn't stopped by his children and drive through a red light and was t-boned on his wife's side killing her instantly. Fortunately the other victimes were not seriously hurt.
NEVER let him drive you. Those days are over. Please know you have a mandate to do whatever it takes to keep him and others safe.
I guess my question for you would be...would you rather he be angry at you for a bit or have to live with the fact that he killed an innocent family or person because you didn't speak up and prevent him from driving?
So you need to either take his keys away, disable the car or have the car removed from your property to prevent something horrible happening while he is behind the wheel.
And you can also have his doctor speak to him about it as well if you think he will listen better to him. But regardless, your husband MUST be kept off the roadways to keep all the rest of us safe. It's the least you can do.
If he is a danger to himself or others due to mental or physical deficits I would take your concerns to the desk of your local DMV for advice.
If your husband is so ill that he cannot understand his ability to safely drive is impaired, then discussion with him on the matter will be of to no avail, and will be frustrating to you both.
You can help him by finding alternatives; a ride share app or family and friends to offer rides so he can still go where he wants to go.
Putting it in God's hand is not enough. That is avoidance on your part. You know you must act to protect innocent people who could be killed by an unsafe driver.
❤️!
He carried the fob for years without trying to drive, but then someone asked me a significant question. What if he forgets he can’t drive? So the next time it ended up in the laundry basket it got lost. He has never asked about it. Good luck, you aren’t alone.
One possible reason he has not asked to drive anymore is my husband went through a severe period of fear and paranoia right around that time. I believe he wanted to be a driver but no longer could master his fear of driving. This was the same period where he knew something was very wrong but could not really understand it. When he would try to talk and couldn't, he would hit himself in his head. It was heartbreaking.
"Vehicle Ownership:
If the car is titled in your name (or jointly), the injured party could sue under an “owner liability” or “negligent entrustment” theory. This usually requires proving that you knowingly allowed him to drive with impairment."
I guess one is less liable (or not at all) if the car title is only in the impaired driver's name.
Sorry about your husband’s situation, but all driving comes to an end someday. You do not state his health condition(s), but dementia make a dangerous driver.
Sorry you are going through that. In hindsight, my husband without his license, is better for everyone's roadway safety so it was the right thing.
He will be angry.
There may be a program that the doctor can refer you to where he is professionally evaluated and he will have to agree to LIMITED driving. (If your area has this type of evaluation system) As I understand it he has to agree to the restrictions, the information is sent to the DMV and if he is found to be in violation his license will be revoked.
Now my personal opinion...a person that has been diagnosed with dementia should not be driving.
His car, if he has his own should be disabled. And preferably removed from the property so he does not see it all the time.
If you have 1 car then you need to secure the keys so that he can not get them. (I wore my car keys on a clip attached to my belt loop. I still keep my keys that way ...I can't lose my keys if I know where my pants are 🤣)
If it takes some of the pressure off you have the doctor tell him that he can no longer drive. The doctor can send a letter to the DMV.
I told my Husband that he was on a medication that while he was taking it he could not drive. I think that might have helped a bit.
I will say that before I kept my keys clipped to may belt loop he did get the car 2 times. The second time he was not found for 14 hours and he was in another State.
Our policy has this information buried pretty deep in the policy and it is very clear they have covered their responsibility for any liability in these situations.
This is how you stop someone that has been diagnosed from driving, you WILL LOSE EVERYTHING in the event of an accident, you have no insurance, even though you are paying the premiums.
Please READ your policies!
Driving
Soon, she started having trouble on the road. It was like she didn’t notice road signs anymore. One time, she slammed on the brakes, thinking there was a ditch in front of her car. On the highway, when a car would pass her in the adjacent lane, she’d brake, thinking it was her car that was moving backward.
Whether the patient should continue to drive or hang up their car keys is a common area of contention during the early stage of dementia progression. Patients often insist on driving well past the time when it is safe for them to do so. According to the National Institute of Health, nearly one fifth of patients with documented dementia continue to drive, and two-thirds of those who continue to drive have impaired driving ability.
Signs of Unsafe Driving
· Forgets addresses, gets lost in familiar places.
· Lacks awareness of time and place.
· Does not pay attention to road signs.
· Does not observe speed limits.
· Drives slowly and makes mistakes.
· Gets brake and gas pedals confused.
· Becomes angry and confused while driving.
· Does not pay attention to street curbs.
· Has frequent car accidents.
How to Ask a Loved One Not to Drive
She thought she was lucky in finding a parking spot whenever she needed one. When her car got towed, we found out that she had been parking in front of fire hydrants.
Ideally, you want to get the patient to agree to stop driving. This is likely an anxiety-provoking subject for the patient, as it would mean giving up a large measure of their independence. By addressing their anxiety, you’re more likely to get them to cooperate. If unsuccessful, however, you may have to resort to more extreme measures, such as hiding the car keys, disabling the car, or selling it.
Getting Help From Your Doctor
In many states, doctors are required by law to report to the local health department if a patient is diagnosed with dementia, or is impaired in a way that makes them unable to drive safely.
· Ask your doctor to advise the patient not to drive anymore. Patients usually respect their doctor’s advice more than that of their spouse or caregiver. Make sure to get the doctor’s order in writing so you can show it to the patient if they forget.
Getting Help From the DMV
In many states, you can request the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to evaluate the driving skills and safety of a loved one that you deem unsafe. You can request the DMV to not divulge your identity. Based on the results of a road test, restrictions may be placed on the driver, like not being able to drive at night, during rush hours, or on freeways.
· If the patient’s driver’s license is revoked, you can direct the blame at the DMV. This may help to redirect the patient’s anger and get them to cooperate with you.
Notify Your Insurance Company
I asked my wife to pull over for a minute while I ran to the store to pick up our order. As I was waiting to pay the cashier, I looked over and saw my wife standing next to me. Surprised, I asked if she had found a parking spot. “No,” she said. She seemed so calm, so innocent, that I panicked. I ran outside and found the car double-parked, driver’s door ajar, with the engine still running.
People with dementia are advised to contact their car insurance carriers to ensure that their insurance policies remain in force. Amendments may be required to cover for their illness. Insurance companies may refuse to pay damages if a person with dementia gets into a car accident and the company was not informed of the dementia at the time of diagnosis.