My mom needs care in her home and cannot live by herself anymore. She has fallen twice in the last year, first suffering a tailbone fracture and now a hip fracture. She’s currently still in the hospital, terrorizing everyone around her with her demands and rudeness.
She has always been a very difficult, demanding person who needs to be in charge of everything. The hospital has now had enough of her behavior and wants to send her home. We have lined up a home health service that provides 24-hour care, but she refuses to allow a live-in caregiver. She also refuses to go into a nursing home or assisted living facility.
She is constantly complaining about everything and everyone and accuses us all of not caring for her. I am at my wits end, because ALL we do is try to make it possible for her to return to her own home and stay there, which is what she always said she wanted.
There is no way to talk to her rationally. All she does is throw accusations and needs complaints at us every chance she gets. I am mentally exhausted and dread every day, wondering what new drama I will have to deal with next. All we all want is for her to be safe and get the care she needs.
Why waste your time. Be certain you do not take on POA or guardianship, let her hire in help. Do not enable her bad decisions by helping her. Give her the phone number to APS and let her see how far she gets in refusing their help.
Eventually hospitals Social Workers will intervene and will perhaps enable state guardianship and placement. If she has the wherewithall to out-argue the state, perhaps she can teach classes in it.
I don't mean to suggest she isn't a problem. She is. But I would certainly go to great lengths to see that she isn't MY problem. I was POA and Trustee of Trust for the most cooperative and loving man in the world; it's still a hard job. And with someone uncooperative it's impossible.
So STOP. She’s not going to all of a sudden start acting right after a lifetime of stubborn, self centered nastiness. You didn’t cause this, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it. We get it, she’s making bad choices. She’s allowed.
Change your focus from how can you get her to do what you want to how can you learn to accept that you can’t.
If she's a competent adult and has had a lifetime to prepare for old age, I'd take three giant steps back from this situation. Take a vacation, develop a herniated disc or a contagious disease that renders you unable to enable her.
Let the social workers and staff at the hospital deal with her and present her with her choices.
If she insists on going home, the consequences are HERS to deal with, not yours.
Just went through this scenario with MIL 3 months ago. She was parent number 4 , we learned to step back more .
It might work. I've had care clients who were nice as pie to me but were abusive, nasty, and cruel to their families.
The mother may very well get along with her caregivers if she knows that the alternative is she goes to a nursing home.
Are you her POA and does mom have dementia? Because if the answer is yes to both, you can make decisions FOR her. And if she hasn't been given a cognitive evaluation, she needs one stat.
Best of luck to you.
you need to say she is an UNSAFE discharge and not let them send her home
It's time now to take off your rose colored glasses and realize that your mom no longer is safe at home and needs to be placed in the appropriate facility whether she likes it or not, as it's no longer about what she likes, but rather what is best for her.
So call the hospital social worker right now and let them know that your mom is an "unsafe discharge" and there is no one at home to care for her and that she needs to be placed.
And please don't fall for the lies that the social worker will try and tell you about all that they can do for your mom at home, but instead keep saying unsafe discharge, until they do their job and get mom placed.
I wish you well in standing strong and doing what you know in your heart of hearts is the right thing for your mom.
So, you and your mother's doctor need to level with her plainly that she has two choices.
1) She cuts the crap and knocks off the asinine stubbornness and bad behavior to start with. Then she makes it work with live-in caregivers so she can remain in her own home which is what she wants.
-OR-
2) She continues with the false accusations towards everyone, the constant complaining, and the verbal abuse and she will be discharged directly to a nursing home where she will live out the remainder of her life. You will not be taking her in, nor will you or any other family member be moving in with her.
Make your speech plain with her and her doctor should as well. If she will not comply, she goes to a nursing home.
Unfortunately too many seniors are like your mother and they end up learning the hard way and get put into LTC.
She will just fire any in home caregivers , or not let them in . BTDT with more than one parent. Don’t waste your time with homecare .
Good luck with the medications though .
The narcissists in my family refused them in assisted living. They said there was nothing wrong with them. They said everyone else is the problem.