My Mom is 93. I live with her. My brother and his family live down the road. My Mom is upset with me that I am not going to do a lot of decorations this year. She wants her huge Christmas tree up. She thought that she had decorated last year. She has not decorated a Christmas tree in 5 years. I used to love Christmas but she has made it more difficult with what she wants. How do I tell her that I will not be doing all the decorations, the cleaning or the cooking that she is expecting? Christmas was always my favorite holiday but it isn't anymore because I am expected to clean, cook and decorate. Please, someone, tell me what I can say to her to make her understand that I want some joy in this holiday, too.
Life is easier on you when you are easier on it.
Barring that, see if you can celebrate it the week between it and New Years. I've found that is the best time of the year.
My mother lived to 95 and every Christmas since she was about 80, was going to be her 'last Christmas'. My Oma lived to 99.5 and every Christmas since she was about 75 was going to be her last Christmas. One can't go with that outlook especially if your heart isn't into it.
From about age 85, my mother made every Christmas miserable for me and my husband (because being the ONLY family she had, we had her over ever Christmas). The tree wasn't shaped right, the tree wasn't decorated correctly, the music was not the right music, the dinner wasn't what she liked or wanted at that moment in time, we weren't dressed up 'properly' to celebrate the eveing, etc, etc.. We even endured her saying things like "oh, wouldn't having family be nice during this holiday" - as the 3 of us were sitting having dinner. NOTHING we did ever made her happy, so finally we told her that we no longer celebrated the holiday. And we didn't. We just couldn't deal with getting worn down year after year after year.
Just tell her that this year things are being done differently and if she isn't happy with you, then she can go stay with your brother and his family during the holidays.
Not for nothing, but you may acutally have to do some. So do it. I'm Jewish and I still bring a dish and help out when my sibling does the Christmas holiday.
If your mother has dementia, you can't explain to her that you're not doing the huge holidays anymore. So, just put up a few decorations and that's it. If she's disappointed and carries on about it, just ignore her.
WHOA... I missed the part about your brother living down the road ... Really?
He needs to step up and take over / do more.
Insist in a very nice way. "Its your turn." I live with her and on 24/7.
Holiday / December is your time. Be nice ... as we do not know the entire family dynamics. He may be very pleased (?) or okay with helping out ... more ... to make his mother's christmas more festive.
You listen, give her space to state how she feels and what she wants.
You may say "I'll do what I can' or something more vague or "okay mom, I hear you" and stop. No explaining.
This is a non, forever loop you will be in with her and the only outcome is that she'll feel emotionally bad and blame you. You do not need this - and she doesn't either.
She will not be able, cognitively, listen to reason . . .
re "how do I tell her that I will not be ... cleaning . cooking ..."
And if she does have the cognitively ability to listen, you say simply and directly:
I will not be doing the all the decorations, the cleaning and cooking. I do not have the energy to do it." Period end of discussion. She will be mad or certainly disappointed. Be aware that YOU CANNOT control how she feels, i.e., anger, disappointment.
You can do what you can and your first, if not only, priority to be sure she is safe and getting her primary needs met, which you are doing.
So you do / interact with her that is in YOUR best interests to keepYOU as peaceful and NON energy-emotionally depleting as possible.
The care and WORK you do is hard. You must take care of yourself.
You learn how to speak to someone who is losing / has lost their cognitive abilities (may have dementia).
Google Teepa Snow and listen to her webinars.
Learn how to talk to someone that you love, with compassion and boundary setting. Understand that she may also feel disappointed / confused / forgetting the past and be 'cemented' to a vision in her head.
You are not be able to change that ... what you might be able to do is:
1) put some significant decorations up right around her viewing area.
2) Play Christmas music for her ... put holiday movies on the tv ...
3) get college or high school kids to help you decorate;
4) invite neighbors over to socialize with her.
and ... most important:
4) Do whatever will bring back the joy you used to feel for / at Christmas , . .
- Perhaps you need a hot toddy ... (hot brandy ... not whiskey as I just read) ... or go to a holiday winter-y event locally or even 1-2-4 hours away.
- Do not let your current circumstances take away your joy of the end of year holidays / spirit of the holidays.
Love yourself as you want and do love your mother.
Gena / Touch Matters
Teepa Snow is pretty much a fraud. Really she is. I've used so many of her so-called "expert" techniques myself on dementia clients and so have pretty much every other caregiver colleague I've ever known.
In my experience of over 25 years as a caregiver for people with dementia, I'd say Teepa Snow's techniques on communicating with the demented LO work maybe one out of 150 times depending on what kind of day the person is having. Her techniques on getting hygiene care done work probably one in 500 times. Again it depends on what kind of day the 'loved one' or care client is having.
I don't know how anyone can take her seriously. I really don't. The woman is a charlatan. a modern-day snake oil salesman that should have a stall at a late 19th century carnival or state fair somewhere.
If she can still be moved from house to house, could brother and his wife allow you and mom to go to their house for the meal?
I understand how hard it is to add this to your plate, I did it, too. Just try to get some help from others to do some of the work for decorating. As for the meal if she can't go to the brothers, order a meal so that you are maintaining the usual ritual. It may help both of you to navigate holidays without the extra burden on you to clean, cook and decorate - as well as make your Christmas day a little brighter.
In other words, the daughter needs to take care of herself and do a little for mother's christmas spirit need.
Putting up lights might be really good too. They certainly cheer me up ... but then, I celebrate LIGHT, not a specific holiday or religious service. gena
If you feel up to it, put up a small tree, and let her decorate it. It doesn't matter how well she does. She may enjoy the activity.
Gena
Absolutely not.
I knew, pre-surgery, that I would be in pain and my physical capabilities limited. I thought about what was important and what wasn't. Over the past few years I have slowly culled out things that didn't matter.
My tree is a darling, tiny 'skinny' tree. I store it set up, lights and all. I get DH to haul it upstairs and I put whatever ornaments on it that I want to. I tell the rest of the ornaments maybe they'll make the cut 'next year'.
I put Christmas themed pillows on the couches. And some smaller items around the living room.
Christmas morning is a brunch and we have a breakfast casserole I have been making for 30 years! The girls bring stuff too. No one is overwhelmed.
The gkids open their gifts, then promptly put them in a bag and go downstairs and play with the old toys THEIR parents played with.
My family is fine with my desire to cut back.
You did set up her last Christmas tree. Last year.
We get hung up on the things we do or did in the last weeks, days, hours that our loved ones were alive, when in reality our whole lives with them matter.
If you could count it up, the tally would show that you did lots of caring things for your mum. For each thing you did, there was a last time - last meal, last hug, last holding hands, last "I love you".
I know that the celebrations are going to be bittersweet for you this year - I got upset on my birthday the other week, as it was the first since Mum died - but try and find some joy in them, too.
I'm not religious, but I believe that your mum is with you always because she's a part of you. So, when you decorate the tree, think of your mum there (just as she was when fully herself - healthy and happy) and wish her a merry Christmas.
Let’s not use guilt as a “motivator.”
(Also, how does one “unlike” a post on this site? I accidentally indicated that this was a helpful post.)
We use to get a fresh cut tree for Christmas. Now I use a 3 foot tree made out of Christmas colorful glass balls, very light weight (got it on sale after the holidays). I place the tree in a bay window. We use to buy the already "cooked dinners" from the grocery store (had to pre-order). Now it is whatever we feel like eating. Ok, I do get frozen holiday pies that one just cooks, and maybe a box of holiday cookies. I do have a can of pine tree smell :)
Christmas cards? Now I have the labels/addresses set up in my computer to print out. My handwriting isn't that great any more so the labels are helpful.
Yeah, the price looks high but you don't have to do all the shopping or cooking.
Get a small pre lit tree and set that up.
For years I was the one that got the tree from the attic, I was the one that set it up, I was the one that decorated it, then I was the one that took all the decorations off, took apart the tree, packed back into the box and dragged it back to the attic.
After my husband started trying to eat the decorations cuz they looked like candy or fruits I said that's it no more.
Ya know I don't miss it. Although now I have no husband to eat the decorations I do have a cat that would try to climb it and a dog that would "christen" it! So I still don't set up a tree. I do minimal decorations and am happy with what I do.
Keep telling mom, Oh, I'll get to the decorations next week.
And do yourself a favor, for a present to yourself hire cleaning people to come in and do a cleaning that takes care of the cleaning aspect of your holiday.
I agree, don't say anything to Mom. Just let her talk, first of all its not even Christmas yet. Don't stress yourself out.
I have two prelit tabletop trees , one 3 foot one in the family room which I put ornaments on , and a two foot prelit in the dining room that I leave bare .
Both were from Amazon , complete with lights on them and burlap around the base . Just plug it in
Order a meal you can reheat , put a movie on .