She’s 77 fairly good health he’s 83 with low vision and on oxygen 24/7. She micromanages everything he does. No matter what he does it’s wrong. She never has anything good to say about him (or me). I’ve always been close to dad but not so much her. When I’m over there I make things worse by sticking up for him and then me and her get into it. Just the other day she threw me out of the house with a few choice words. Should I just stay away since I can’t stand back and watch her treat him that way? I don’t want to cause my dad anymore problems than he already has. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated
Is mom burned out from caring for dad? Does he attend adult day care? Does she get respite care hours? How is HER emotional and physical health?
Have you ever talked to mom about placing dad in a facility?
To say it was a 60 year chit-show is an understatement. My father passed away in 2015 and the FIRST thing my mother said was, "Oh, I wasn't so nice to him, was I?" I nearly bit my tongue OFF rather than utter a single word at that point.
Nowadays, she never even speaks his name. Says she doesn't miss him one single bit, that he treated HER badly for their whole marriage, so why SHOULD she miss him?
There really is no dealing with this type of woman. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't. I'd try to have some private conversations with your dad without your mother eavesdropping, if such a thing is even possible, and leave it at that. In reality, HE chose to stay with her, as my father chose to stay with my mother, so they're lying in the beds they've made for themselves.
I'm sorry you're bearing witness to all this hurtful nonsense, I know how it feels. Sending you a hug, my friend
It was my choice to avoid her as much as was possible, as her own son did the same.
It is not your role to save your Dad from your mother. Spend time separately. Not an easy thing to do when they are, in fact, a couple.
If it begins to get worse, though... there are options. It's just that the options would impact on him, and although *we* might think they'd impact in a good way - he may not agree. "Better the devil you know," as they say.
My dad was an A-HOLE toward my mom for their first 30+ years of marriage. Loud, verbal abuse daily. And she took it.
Then, in a surprising turn, he helped her greatly for several years with my grandmother who was in poor health. Then, a series of family drama took its toll on my father and he developed some heart ailments.
Now the roles have flipped in their house, since around 1999 and my mom bullies my dad, very much like what you have described. I tell him "he created that monster," because he DID for 30 years.
They both still have most of their marbles but are so miserable together.
Within the last two years, I have had to step in when there was a threat of physical violence (there was actual physical abuse of mom by dad when I was a child). Luckily, I think dad has listened. He knows they will no longer have me around if he acts out, physically. I issued this ultimatum. He taught me all about how to do that.
I have had to learn "loving detachment". Mom trained me to be her confidant and ally against Dad when I was growing up.
I finally learned that I need to step back and take care of my sanity by refusing to be the third party to this marriage.
I can't keep being both a supportive daughter and a part of the marriage. I choose to keep my sanity and continue to be the supportive daughter, while asserting boundaries with mom regarding her continued attempts to draw me into the marriage and to mold myself to tend her emotions.
I am no saint and I sure as heck am not a martyr. It is not my problem that she spent most of her life with a man she holds in contempt. I have made sacrifices to be here, for them, but I will not throw my life away after theirs. After all, they taught me to be strong, too.
I sound bitter, because I am. I also love them both, dearly. I am determined to be here for them. They gave me so much and I am grateful. That does not mean I want to be their daughter, or anyones, for that matter. But I am.
The misery I would cause to myself and to them by abandonment is not worth the freedom I would gain.
It is not my marriage, anymore.
There is really not much hope of getting around this sort of dysfunction and denial, I fear.