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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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He is very hostile toward me. He doesn't want anyone but my mother helping him, and she has medical issues herself. How do I deal with this? It's causing tension.
Arrange to get a needs assessment done for both Mum and Dad. This will make it clear to you and Mum what is needed. What Mum is capable of providing and what others will have to provide.
Once you have this information, you can tell Dad that he has 2 choices, accept care from you and perhaps hired caregivers, or residential care. Make it clear that Mum cannot and will not provide all his care.
Now you have stated Dad has dementia, so he likely will have to be told over and over again.
Is it possible for Mum to go away for a few days for Respite? If she is in the house, Dad will demand that she attend to him.
Because your father has Alzheimer's, he will be nearly impossible to reason with, as you already know. You can try explaining that if he doesn't let you help your mom, that you will have to hire outside help to come in and assist your mom, as she just can't do it herself anymore. But realistically, he probably won't understand all of that, and if he does, he won't remember it, so you just have to do what's best for him and your mom right now. Have you tried bringing someone else in to help, to see what his reaction is to them? If not, you may want to try that, just to see if he responds differently to them, than he does to you. And if he does respond more positively to the outside help, then you have your answer. And if the response is the same as with you, then you know it's not you, it's just him and if you chose to continue to help mom, then you'll just have to make the best of it.(if you choose to keep him at home) Or you and mom have the choice to start looking now for the appropriate facility for him to placed in, as things with your father, as you already know, will only continue to get worse, and with your mom's health issues, will just get to be too much for all involved. Wishing you the best.
What's that saying about not negotiating with terrorists?
My Mother only wanted Dad to help her. Even when he would be in hospital & post surgery! "I don't need other people to help me. He can do it." Yes you do need other people. No he can't do it.
Like your Father, they are focused on what they WANT & will deny, or cannot see, what they NEED.
You can be sympathetic to his wants, Yes Dad, Mom is helping you. So am I. So is (insert Aide's name). We are all in your team.
But organise the care he needs before your Mother's health is destroyed.
Your father is probably depressed and frustrated. Take him to a doctor. He might need to be on medication for anxiety or depression. My mom was having angry outbursts and this is what we did. Her mood improved greatly. Don't allow your Dad to place unreasonable demands on you or your Mom. Your mom needs your help and shouldn't have to sacrifice her health. If the hostility continues tell him that he has two choices: either accept help from you or outside agencies or placement in a retirement home or assisted living facility. Tell him that you are doing your best and that you would like him to accept help gracefully. Contact Community Care Access Centre and have them come out and access the situation. The most important thing is your parents' health and safety. Do what is right for your mom. Your Dad may or may not adjust but that is secondary to your Mom getting the help she needs. Good luck to all of you.
Often with dementia there is 1 person that they will "cling to" or "shadow" this is their Safe Person. The one they can trust and that is there for them no matter what. Most often it is a spouse. If you have recently moved back you are not yet a "safe person" for your dad. Give him time and he will begin to trust you more. The other important thing here is ...is dad aware that you are his daughter? If so he may feel very uncomfortable if you are providing imamate tasks like changing, cleaning, bathing and dressing. If this is the case he will relax a bit as he gets used to you helping but in the mean time if you can talk to him and distract him with general conversation while helping him it may take his mind off what you are doing. When you start helping him if he says he wants "Ruth" to do it just say he is at the store or went to get the mail or a walk.
Very diificult situations congrats on caring TOO many other people would not care YOU DO!!!!!! Next take a deep breath 3-5 of them and count to 10 million, just kidding. I suggest that you speak privately with your mother & ask her HOW YOU CAN HELP HER WITH DAD! Then let her present this to dad THAT SHE needs your help NOT HIM!
I think this is a "normal " behavior to want your loved one or primary caregiver all the time. My 92 yo mother, who does not have Alzheimers, always wants to know where my brother is. He lives with her and she knows without him she could not live at home. My sister and I visit and assist her weekly. She also has 3 wonderful caregivers. So when she asks about my brother, I think she just wants assurance that he's around and her living situation won't change. Perhaps, if you tell him, "Mom is tired and resting, she's asked me to ..." I am sure that you will need to repeat many times. Perhaps, changing the topic might help. Best wishes to you and don't take his resentment personally.
Daddy struggled when mother would leave to go anywhere--and since she was his primary CG, this made it hard for her to leave him with anyone. He had to know, constantly, where she was and when she'd be back. This is in the days before everyone and their dog had a cell phone, so mother would call on a payphone every 1/2 hr or so and remind him she was OK and would be home soon.
I don't think we ever effectively made him feel TRULY 'safe'. After a checkup with his doc he prescribed some topical Valium and we would rub that on his inner arm. Then wait a bit while mother got ready to leave and by the time she left, he was calm and able to stay so for several hours. Whomever was caring for him had to be interactive and keep him occupied or he'd start 'worrying'.
He was better with some people than with others. That's normal, too. I could stay for hours and he'd be OK, but OB made him so anxious and nervous, he was never allowed to 'tend'.
It was CRUCIAL that mother get a break now and then. She looked forward to simply leaving and going to lunch, puddling through a store or just running her various errands without constantly having to call to check in.
Had we had cell phones, I know it would have calmed dad to know at every given second that he could call mom.
Sadly, with dementia, not a lot of what you say stays with a person. I think for us, the valium helped the most.
First, see if medication can calm him down. What specifically is his reason for objecting to you helping him? Does he realize she has medical issues and is limited? I would sit him down, with other family if you have any. I would explain in no uncertain terms the damage his hostility is causing and you simply will no longer tolerate it and he will from now on have to accept and follow boundaries and rules. Tell him if he does not cooperate, you will do everything in your power to move both of them into a home. What he is doing is wrong and causing great suffering. In the meantime start looking for outside options or a caretaker. You have to do whatever you need to do, without limits, to stop his hostility. And if he is treating you badly, find ways to eliminate him from your presence before he destroys you. But it will be tough and YOU must become the boss.
If he has dementia, and obviously does, it will get worse so why do you want to care for him and have your life impacted in terrible ways. Do not allow that. Find a way to place him somewhere that he is safe and you can tend to your mother while you still have her. Dementia people, in my opinion, belong in facilities - not with other family whose lives become hell by the mental/physical behaviors.
Am I missing something in some of the responses? I don't see Ghostlyruby mentioning dad having Alzheimer's. I'm disturbed at some of the strongly worded responses. I don't see enough information for some of the 'advice' to be of help to her. If her parents have been married a long time, dad may be of the mindset that he is true to their marriage vows of "in sickness and in health" and mom might feel the same. My thought is to try a gentle, non-threatening conversation when dad is calm and try to feel him out as to his resistance to her helping him. A conversation with mom would shed more light on the situation as well. I found in years of doing home health nursing, one way I found to work was to share with dad, how so very tired mom is looking. "I'm so proud of what a great job you do caring for mom". "I'm so worried about her, are you"? "Is there some way that we could find a solution"? "I'm selfish, dad, I want BOTH of you around for a long time". Best of luck
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Once you have this information, you can tell Dad that he has 2 choices, accept care from you and perhaps hired caregivers, or residential care. Make it clear that Mum cannot and will not provide all his care.
Now you have stated Dad has dementia, so he likely will have to be told over and over again.
Is it possible for Mum to go away for a few days for Respite? If she is in the house, Dad will demand that she attend to him.
My Mother only wanted Dad to help her. Even when he would be in hospital & post surgery! "I don't need other people to help me. He can do it." Yes you do need other people. No he can't do it.
Like your Father, they are focused on what they WANT & will deny, or cannot see, what they NEED.
You can be sympathetic to his wants, Yes Dad, Mom is helping you. So am I. So is (insert Aide's name). We are all in your team.
But organise the care he needs before your Mother's health is destroyed.
The other important thing here is ...is dad aware that you are his daughter? If so he may feel very uncomfortable if you are providing imamate tasks like changing, cleaning, bathing and dressing. If this is the case he will relax a bit as he gets used to you helping but in the mean time if you can talk to him and distract him with general conversation while helping him it may take his mind off what you are doing.
When you start helping him if he says he wants "Ruth" to do it just say he is at the store or went to get the mail or a walk.
My sister and I visit and assist her weekly. She also has 3 wonderful caregivers.
So when she asks about my brother, I think she just wants assurance that he's around and her living situation won't change.
Perhaps, if you tell him, "Mom is tired and resting, she's asked me to ..." I am sure that you will need to repeat many times. Perhaps, changing the topic might help.
Best wishes to you and don't take his resentment personally.
I don't think we ever effectively made him feel TRULY 'safe'. After a checkup with his doc he prescribed some topical Valium and we would rub that on his inner arm. Then wait a bit while mother got ready to leave and by the time she left, he was calm and able to stay so for several hours. Whomever was caring for him had to be interactive and keep him occupied or he'd start 'worrying'.
He was better with some people than with others. That's normal, too. I could stay for hours and he'd be OK, but OB made him so anxious and nervous, he was never allowed to 'tend'.
It was CRUCIAL that mother get a break now and then. She looked forward to simply leaving and going to lunch, puddling through a store or just running her various errands without constantly having to call to check in.
Had we had cell phones, I know it would have calmed dad to know at every given second that he could call mom.
Sadly, with dementia, not a lot of what you say stays with a person. I think for us, the valium helped the most.
If her parents have been married a long time, dad may be of the mindset that he is true to their marriage vows of "in sickness and in health" and mom might feel the same. My thought is to try a gentle, non-threatening conversation when dad is calm and try to feel him out as to his resistance to her helping him.
A conversation with mom would shed more light on the situation as well. I found in years of doing home health nursing, one way I found to work was to share with dad, how so very tired mom is looking. "I'm so proud of what a great job you do caring for mom". "I'm so worried about her, are you"? "Is there some way that we could find a solution"? "I'm selfish, dad, I want BOTH of you around for a long time".
Best of luck