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I'm an only child and the unplanned sole caregiver for my mom and stepfather. After a self-destructive period of burnout (I didn't know how to take a respite break), I can't deal with it. I want to help—at the very least I want to see my parents—but I seem to be unable to go there. It's so overwhelming and I am now crippled with guilt.

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I have had rellies who I could not visit because of distance. I have made a real habit of sending cards at least weekly – postcards and the no message ‘thinking of you’ type cards. I live in the country, and a lot of local fairs and markets have people selling hand made cards. My friend Maureen will make them to order for me. It was a lot more personal (and cheaper) than Hallmark. I keep a stock of them ready all the time. I have found that they make a huge difference. They are ‘special’ when they arrive in the post, they get displayed, every staff member who comes in reads them aloud and makes a few comments. I found a book of cut-out cards on an old-fashioned children theme that was particularly successful. You can then build up to a quick phone call about ‘how did you like the card about ….’.

This could be an easy way for you to re-approach the situation. Because a visit is feeling quite overwhelming for you, it gives you a way to build up contact at an easy level that you can feel good about. Don’t underestimate how much it will matter to them or to you.
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Perhaps the best thing that you can do for yourself is to seek out a psychiatrist, who will be able to give you an RX for a low dose of an anti-anxiety med. Please don't think I am saying that you need it, but it may be helpful.
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I am a caregiver. It has caused a great deal of stress on my home life. I have a friend who cares for her mother also. She is so stressed that her health is at great risk. We talk a lot and compare notes. I have taken steps to get volunteers in for my mother to take her out a few days a month. One volunteer comes to the house to sit with her a few times a month. It helps take the whole job off me. If I don’t visit with her and take her to doctor appts and shopping, then no one is there to do this. She would be very isolated. It weighs on me if I don’t go and visit with her and help her out with things around her house. She would be so much better off in assisted living with other people, but she would never go. She won’t even go to our senior center. It’s a difficult situation to be in. I’ve been doing this for over 6 yrs. My mother is 92 yrs old now. She is still interested in the world and she’s still somewhat independent, so I have to count on doing this for a while. But I had to make some changes to help me and to help her. It makes things a bit better.
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Caregiving sometimes can be very traumatic, I think you should respect yourself If you feel you need time to recover emotionally. Sometimes we live terrifying or overwhelming experiencies while being caregivers. It´s not an easy job. Some times people even need therapy to manage stress and terror. Let your emotions rest. Focus on happines or a change.
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I totally understand that feeling of dread. I stayed away for 2 months because it was causing me physical and psychologic symptoms.
First off your fears are valid and you should not feel guilt, because you are being self protective of your psyche and that is a normal and good thing...not a bad thing. So you've done nothing wrong. If first we admit that caregiving is not all about nurturing and that it is stressful, demanding and really hard at times, we give ourselves permission then to have those feelings and feel ok about it. I agree with Dana above, that a therapist can also help validate your feelings as well as listen to you objectively without judging and give you coping skills.
So then...the question is have they been having outside help since you stayed away? If so, then that should be continued. Before you see them, write down what is acceptable to you in terms of caregiving and don't write anything out of guilt. Just write only what can you truly handle and still stay sane. Then go from there as to what other ways their needs can be met. I note that they live in their home....is it feasible to move them to an ALF? Perhaps a reverse mortgage can give them income if that's needed for paid caregivers.
Then write down what it is you need/would like in order to take care of you physically, mentally and spiritually. Examples are exercise, meditation, attend church, talk therapy, weekly lunch with a friend, pedicure or massage etc. Then find ways to incorporate those things you listed. One thing I think many adult children of the infirm elderly are afraid of is that their parent is on the way to dying. It is something you actually have to come to terms with that this is normal in life but we somehow think we should be able to keep them from it. Also we can feel bad that we are living and not suffering and they are. I have accepted that my dad will no longer be how he was a year ago and is on the way out of this world. That makes seeing him easier. Another avenue is hospice when that time comes. Such a help and blessing to families if the parent is nearing the end. Please come back and let us know what you've decided. Wishing you a better caregiving experience and keeping boundaries that are necessary. Please know that you do not owe your health or life to them...and I doubt they would want that from you either.
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All I have to add is that I agree with starting with small baby steps. And getting counseling has been really helpful to me. I'm also a sole caregiver, and it is overwhelming, and it seems everyone is critical of me. It helps to have at least the counselor on my side. Then make sure caregiving doesn't become all consuming. If they are in assisted living, then you don't have to do any hands on. Just call first, then visit, and then quality time rather than caregiver chores.
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If you can find a support group it could really help as they are all caregivers in different degree. It's not like talking to friends who have no idea what care giving entales. Maybe also go slowely back like phone calls & 4 hours 1 day a wk. That's it. Making arrangements for other help is taxing enough. I am caregiver for hubby w alz 11 yrs but call in help to give me a break. I would be a basket case otherwise. Special love to you caregivers w no help.
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It seems that deep down, you might be afraid that your caregiving will become all consuming again. You need to prove to yourself that it won't. When you are ready, you can do that by seeking out all services that your parents are eligible for and begin the process of putting those in place. Next, you can see what services they can afford, and put them in place. Some of these things are Lifeline, automated medication dispensers, light housekeeping services, safety features like grab bars installed, bed rails, meals on wheels, home health aides, elderly programs, senior transportation, and fuel assistance, church programs for the elderly and adult day care. Likely, you aren't the only one feeling stressed. One of your parents might be doing the lion's share and they might be burnt out too. These programs being initiated will alleviate the pressure they are feeling too! Then, see what is left that needs doing and pick one or two things to call your own. Some of it can be fun. My mom (a perfectionist) could no longer care for her feet due to poor eyesight. My daughter loves a good pedicure, and luckily mom didn't have any condition preventing a good footsoak. So, a grandma/granddaughter pedicure date became a tradition that they enjoyed for four years. Think in terms of your own well-being and try to turn it into a win-win whenever possible. Give yourself time each week to assess where you are with how your caregiving is affecting the rest of your life and goals. Last, don't be afraid to speak up to hospital/rehab social workers and doctors about your parents limited support system. They need to know that you are the only. Rest up.
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I'm sure your mother wouldn't want you to be going through this with it being so difficult on you. I am a sole caregiver as well and when I hit the burn out point I just pull right back until I've had a good, long break, long enough that I can take on one visit, then another with sometime between. Baby steps. Be good to yourself first.
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I have no answer. I cared for hubby after stroke and dementia from that until he died. Now my mother is in early stages of dementia and my brother is pressuring me that I’m not doing enough. I still feel burnt out from before and I haven’t had a chance to live life. My youngest will leave home in a couple of years so I’m not happy about my brothers point of view. I know Mum will require more care from me as she progresses but until that time come I plan on trying to recover.
As to start to care more for your Morger, make sure to arrange for time off. Take care of your health.
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Start with phone calls. Daily phone calls. Ask what you can do to help - like going to the store to get groceries. Offer to do the laundry.
There are so many things that need to be done outside the house too - like mowing the lawn.
Only one sister ever offered to pick up groceries that I was unable to order online.
No one offered to do anything else to help me. I was a 24/7 caregiver for 3 years and no one offered to lift a finger.
Offer to lift a finger.
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sunset, guilt is hard to work on because we can feel that we don’t deserve relief from it! If you’re not doing any counseling, I hope you’ll call the number on the back of your insurance card for EAP and make an appointment! I’m an only child too, and made that call a looong time ago - it’s been a world of help, to have someone whose only purpose is to listen and support me. Friends are good too but don’t quite cut it (and I have more to say than the average person can put up with :) You will get there! But be patient with yourself. Good luck. 💐
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Sunset, baby steps and support from the people who are now leading your mother's care. Especially your mother. Stepfather optional, at least for now, I'd say.

It is a benefit to your mother to have contact with you. Therefore, the people responsible for her welfare should welcome your interest in re-establishing your relationship, and they should be ready to help you. Little things first, maybe ones that "wave" at your mother without needing a response from her that might prove too much for you to handle. Send her a pretty post card. Call and say simply that you're checking in. That kind of thing. Try not to get ahead of yourself.

But whatever - ask for help, don't take on too much at once.

If you didn't love your mother, you wouldn't care a hoot about all this, you know. We're all only pedalling as fast as we can. Hugs to you.
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Caregiving has made my life so miserable and stressful everyday I pray for Armageddon. then comes the feelings of guilt for feeling this way because I love my mum more than life itself..which is contributing to the awful stress knowing one day she will die and I will never again see her and I will miss her terribly. If you choose to go back to caregiving, remember they are much older and worse off than before. You are going to feel miserable and guilty no matter what you decide to do. I advise people to stay away from caregiving if at all possible because it is a living nightmare which there is no escape. 
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Caregiving is sooo stressful! Not all of us are equipped to be hands on care givers. I know from experience "the guilt feeling" but it doesn't help you or your parents. Concentrate on what you CAN do to help. Start with a phone call to them. Find out what community support is available in their community and go from there.
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