My parents moved close to me from 3 hours away just before I turned 50. At the time, I had one child starting college and one starting high school. In 2020, my father died during Covid lockdown in home hospice which was a terrible experience. Since then, my kids have graduated college and live very far away so it’s just me, my husband and my mother (90) locally.
I am turning 60 which has brought in a lot of self reflection. I think I’m just numb. I do have a couple of hobbies and am so fortunate to be financially secure. I know I don’t have a lot to really complain about compared to a lot of people. But I’m just so weary of caregiving. I’m an only child (please don’t reply about siblings who don’t help) and I’m the only person to call, visit, take to appointments, listen to health problems, prepare food, etc. There is no one else. But I carry all the mental load, banking load, slow walking load, health complaints, etc. We are one thing away from disaster at all times.
She thinks she is independent. I had to really force her to consider inhome PT via Medicare which she actually enjoys. This is the only help she has other than me. Why pay someone when I can just do it for her? I feel such guilt that my husband and I travel very little. I feel guilt that I don’t see my children much. Neither of my parents cared for their own parents like this. My mother used to say caring for old people is the worst thing in the world.
My parents were good parents in most ways. I was definitely encouraged to stay local for college and not expand my world. They would watch my kids when they were young for a week or so in the summer but didn’t ever offer to move near us and really help me even when one of my children required special help so I had to quit my job. I didn’t expect the help or resent the lack of help. But now I look back and see how I was primed to be a caregiver for life. I feel all used up.
If she says no, well than that's on her. But begin the backout of taking care of her. Calmly and politely, but firmly.
You mentioned "preparing food." How extensive is that? Is that daily? Sign her up for Meals on Wheels (at her expense, if there's a charge, which is pretty minimal; in some places it's free). If she complains about the quality or lack of menu choice, point out that AL has dining rooms where she can order from a menu. But you simply are not available to do her cooking anymore.
Visit less often, and limit you calls with her to once a day. If she wants to go somewhere. If there's a medical appointment you feel like you need to attend, go ahead. But if she wants to go somewhere optional, like the hair salon or shopping, say no, or let her use and Uber or taxi or the bus, if she's capable (I know at 90 maybe she's not). Otherwise, group all the errands into one outing a week that's convenient for you, and have your time to yourself the rest of the week.
And finally, plan some trips! Memorial Day is coming up. Plan something for at least the three-day weekend, or the whole week. Visit one of your children, or go to the beach, or whatever. Make a plan now, in plenty of time to tell your mother that you won't be available. If she wants, she can use an agency to pay for in-home help. Or she can sit at home alone. But she doesn't get to dictate your time anymore. Next up, the whole summer! Make plans. Maybe you want to invite someone to visit you. Once your mother sees you're serious, you can bring up the AL options again.
Keep us posted on how it's going. Honestly, you don't know how much time you and your husband have to be able to enjoy life together. I hope it's 30 or more years, but just in case it's not, make the most of it now.
Long ago I told my parents I'd do no hands on Caregiving or cohabitating. I loved my parents very much, I just could not go thru constant histrionics anymore as an older person myself. Thank God I made that choice, is all I can say. Some have the nerve to tell me if I haven't wiped their arses or taken their temperature, I was never a caregiver. I didn't realize that as I endured 10+ very long years taking them to ERs, hospitals, doctors, specialists, having meetings with AL doctors, staff, memory care staff for mom, and 1000 other things, literally.
I'm saying this to you to let you know AL doesn't mean your interaction with mom is over. Not at all. It's just different. You become a crisis manager, a finance manager, an advocate and someone who's called constantly to bring her what she needs. Be it snacks or adult briefs or rash creams for the invisible rash that the doctor cannot see but is driving her crazy for months on end. Or a new adjustable bed, clothes, driving her to eye doctors for glasses and oral surgeons for tooth extractions.
AL has a million benefits for mom and less for you, tbh. She'll be living in a hotel like environment with staff to assist her 24/7. An in house doctor who visits a few times a week, traveling lab services, Rxs shipped directly to the AL.....3 hot meals a day and companionship with others her age. They can all complain together and be catty about who's diamond ring is larger. And she gets autonomy, which is more important than anything.
You get some of your life back.
Deal.
Nowhere is it written you must be The Caregiver. Just that you care and you love her. Now it's time for others to do the dirty work. You get to go visit as the daughter again and not the resentful caregiver.
Do it. Find a great AL and ask the RESIDENTS how they like living there?
Tell mom in no uncertain terms that you're done caregiving. I love ya ma but now off you go to Assisted Living.
Best of luck to you
She is being selfish. And you need to get a backbone and tell her the situation needs to change, you cannot do all of this anymore for her.
Your mother sounds like mine. We were all encouraged to stay local and we did. However my daughter (only child) was dating the man who became her husband and moved from NYC to San Francisco. I moved out here and my mother was livid with me. I am so glad I decided at age 58 to relocate there to be near our grandkids. If I decided to wait until they were both dead, I would still be in NYC because my father is still alive at age 97. But the amount of guilt and snide comments from my mother in 2013 when I left were disgusting.
It's now time to have a come to Jesus meeting and lay out the way things will be going forward, and that your time as your mothers caregiver is coming to an end by the end of May.
Give your mother the option of either hiring full-time help(with her money)to do all that you've been doing for her including her ordering meals/groceries to be delivered, or she'll have to move into an assisted living facility where she'll have the 24/7 care she requires and have her meals prepared for her, plus they can take her to any doctors appointments in their van.
And you must stand your ground here. The only way to get over any resentment/burnout is to learn the word NO. It's such a beautiful and powerful word when used correctly. You may want to try it. I think you'll really like it.
Bottom line is that you, your husband, your marriage and your children/grandchildren MUST come before your mother. And any mother that would want their child giving up their lives for them is extremely selfish and not a good mother at all. I'm just saying.