My husband has a neurological disease and is progressing as this disease does. I have three adult step children, two of which are out of state. The one in state lives about 3/4 mile from our home, is married, and has two children. I understand everyone’s lives are busy with work, home, kids, etc. The amount of interaction with her family has markedly changed (reduced by 75%) since her dad’s diagnosis. How do I speak to her in such a way that is both caring and informative, but not pushy or angry?
I would send a text, email, or a quick phone call to all three any time there is a noticeable change in their father's condition. Just be informative, and let them know that you just want to keep them in the loop. It's up to them how actively they want to be involved. Perhaps they didn't have a close relationship with their dad, or they are scared and just can't face losing him. Let them figure out on their own how to handle this.
If they do ask if there's anything they can do, be prepared with an answer. Give them a specific task which you feel would be beneficial for you and/or your husband.
I am in a similar situation. I have three stepsons, they're around 40, and all are out of state. Their father suffered a massive stroke 11 years ago, at the age of 53, leaving him unable to communicate. The boys tell me it's hard for them to see him like this, and they used to be so close, they would call their dad every day, just to talk about their life and get fatherly advice. They really miss that. They acknowledge they don't call often, because they can talk to him, but he doesn't talk back. I do keep them updated on how he's doing. I asked them to consider what will happen when I can no longer take care of him at home on my own. I'm getting older too, and this has taken a toll on me physically. They all discussed among themselves and said he should be admitted to a nursing home. None of them feel they are able to take on his care needs, with their young families and demanding careers. So, now we all know what the plan is. I named one of the sons as an alternate medical POA, in case I am unable to act as POA. Otherwise, they just trust that I am doing my best to take care of him, and will let them know when anything changes.
You can't force her to care, she is showing you she is afraid of facing it. It's not your fault (or Husband's) he got sick. If he was DXd with terminal cancer, would they be different? Does the "mental illness" thing freak her out? Be honest that you have noticed the 75% decline in visits, and so has Dad. See what happens.
Families can be terrible, mine sure were. It was painful, but I adjusted. They won't get a dime from me when I die, either.
As discussed, everyone's life is busy, especially yours. And as others have pointed out, your stepchildren may not know what to say, and it's too painful. All that is true! I cared for a relative after a stroke and wrote daily kind and caring emails to their adult kids to report the patient's progress. Not one ever thanked me. No one. It is time I could have spent resting, and I wish I had because it was a big job (and where were they when I was doing it? I might ask).
So, think about what YOU want. Do you want to get in the middle of a situation where you're the dreaded messenger and water carrier and made to feel unappreciated though you're doing all the work? Your responsibilities will increase as husband's needs increase. If his family hasn't stepped up to show that they care by now, they most likely never will. Families are notoriously bad about helping out, especially in a step parent situation. You might as well cross that help off your list.
What is the satisfaction for you in getting them more involved if they won't help and may hinder when they start expecting you to do things their way? Does husband even miss them? You might be thinking he needs more moments to remember with them, but if memory loss is part of his disease, he won't remember those moments anyway.
I'm just posing questions but suggest that you pause and think, really think, where you're going with this. Because in the end, it's only you and husband who count. I wish you both well as you navigate these perplexing issues.
I want to encourage you in this difficult situation. I think Dawn88 has provided a good response. Perhaps the daughter does not interact, because she does not know what to say. Some coaching might be helpful to her. I don't know what kind of neurological disease your husband has, but if it is a dementia where remembering is hard, then she should ask "yes" or "no" questions. Do not use "do you remember" questions. For example, "Dad, are you feeling good?" The answer is a simple yes or no. But, asking something such as "Dad, do you remember what I told you about your neighbor yesterday...what do you think?" A question like that would cause a great deal of stress for someone with a dementia. I don't know if this helps at all. I hope it does. But, as far as being caring and informative but not pushy or angry, I think Dawn's comments are good. It is hard for us to figure out what is going on in the mind of another person, whether they be biological children or, in your case, stepchildren. Take one day at a time; you will be fine.
Sincerely,