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My Mother is in a state geriatric hospital 5 hours away from me she got there two days ago. When she calls she is angry. I know it’s the Alzheimer’s she has and she is not herself. I listen to her and don’t argue with her I just answer the questions she has. She thinks I’m being cruel and says would I want her to do me that way and things like that.
I guess my question is should I just listen to her and try to validate how she is feeling at the time? Also have a lot of anxiety issues and sometimes these calls are very difficult for me. Would it be awful to Hang up on her when she is really angry on the phone? I understand it’s not her but it still gets to me sometimes and i dread knowing she is going to call everyday.
Im afraid not to answer in case it’s a Dr or someone calling me from the hospital. I could use some advice.

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Choose whether to answer based on if it’s a good time for you. If she becomes angry, say a quick “I’ll talk to you when you’re feeling better, bye for now” and be done. Listening to too much negativity is soul crushing, no one deserves that. I wish you peace
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Beverly1976 May 29, 2025
Thank you
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I would ask the hospital to not let her use the phone except for a convenient time frame for you and I would encourage you to encourage mom to participate in her care and then she can get out sooner.

You don't have to accept being emotionally beat on because her brain is broken and she is in a hard trial. Telling her she needs to work towards getting better is a good diversion from blaming you.

I pray that your mom gets stabilized and you can help her into the best care situation possible.

Great big warm hug! These crises are hard.
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Beverly1976 May 29, 2025
Thank you so much. That is wonderful advice.
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Let it roll to voice mail if you are not up to talking with her.
A Dr. or someone from the hospital will leave a message for you to call back.
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Don't answer the facility will call you if there is a problem or if she starts, tell her you are hanging up and do so every time.
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Why is it hard for you to not answer the phone? What will happen if you don’t?

Mom will be angry, yes. But she’ll be angry anyway, right? Were I in your shoes, I’d much rather scroll through the angry voice mails instead of hearing her lash out while trying to talk to her.

You know you can’t calm her down on the phone and it sounds like her calls just keep fueling her agitation— and that is not beneficial for you or her.

If it helps, you can answer and as soon as the tirade begins, reply with: “Mom, it sounds like you’re having a bad time. Let’s talk later when you’re feeling better. Love you, bye.” And do not answer any further calls that day.
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Bulldog54321 May 29, 2025
She has likely been groomed by her mother to be “loyal” or some other baloney.
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Don't even take her calls. It is your right to not tolerate verbal abuse from someone with Alz/dementia, NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE.
Mom needs to adjust in the facility, and get serious help. She is trying to manipulate you to get herself out of there, instead of get medical help.

Let the calls go to Voice Mail, they will leave a message if they need to, including the Doctors.
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What a choice.. :(

Not answer: risk of missing medical updates + risk of worrying about who called.
Answer: risk of an earful of Angry Mom.

I’d use some *guesswork* eg Who’s more likely to call at that time.

Plus a *what’s worse question* eg miss an update vs angry Mom.

Personally, I’d worry who called all day. The worry could cause me more damage than the angry call. So for me, I’d answer calls BUT I would also work on some ways to minimize & limit the harmful calls. I’d be using robo-replies to Mom.
eg I hear you are angry Mom. I am trying to help you. I can speak to the Doctor again. I’m hanging up now to do that.
Be positive. Be firm. End the call.

Now if the angry calls are causing you more harm, don’t answer. Look for other ways to get your medical updates. Eg Call the Nurse Manager every 2 days.

Does this make sense. Choose the LEAST bad choice!
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Not answering her calls is better for her. You are doing her a disservice when you answer.
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My question is...why is Mom being given access to a phone? I have a friend who has been in a psychiatric facility and he is not allowed his cell.

I would call the DON and tell them you are getting constant calls from Mom. If she has a cell, they may be able to take it. Landline in her room can be shut off. Making these calls to you could be contributing to her anxiety and thats not good for her.
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Does mom use the same phone the hospital would use? Or is there a phone that patients can use?

Don't answer the phone. Let it go to voicemail. As soon as the call is over you can listen and if it is the doctor or hospital you can call right back. If it is your mom you can call back IF and WHEN you feel like you are ready to.
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