My mom is 88 and constantly exposes me to verbal abuse while I’m taking care of her..even giving her a bath. such as I’m not doing it right and What's wrong with you? Why can’t you remember things? You don’t know .I’m the mother. You do what I say. I try to ignore it but sometimes we get into terrible arguments. I try to tell her the things she does and explain that it hurts my feelings when I’m only trying to help her. She will not or can not understand. She says I lie and I should not disrespect my mom. Any suggestions?
Stick to your guns on this, there is no other way.
When they say “ I’m the Mom , you have to do what I say “ blah, blah , blah , this is an alarm that this is not working . Dementia will make it worse . She may forever see you as a child who she is in charge of and not an adult .
Seriously consider NOT being her only caregiver . You need breaks . Eventually placement may ( likely ) be needed .
If there still is no POA ,
I would back off and keep calling APS , and her County Area Agency of Aging .Tell them she can not take care of herself and you can not provide the care she needs . Let Mom be assigned a guardian from the state ( Mom becomes a ward of the state ) . They will place her in care.
The elderly not leaving the tools ( POA) to help them, is on them . I personally would not go through hoops to be guardian of an uncooperative abusive person , ( who didn’t want me to be POA to begin with ). And if the state offered me or tried to get me to be guardian of this person , I would refuse .
Is she having some dementia at present? Because if so, then any trying to reason this out is not going to help. There is simply no reasoning with dementia.
If mom is not having any appreciable dementia, and once was just this lovely woman who is now quite changed, then I think you are looking at the results of aging and loss and pain and depression and anger that comes of aging. I am 82, so I know a bit whereof I speak.
You might consider discussing with the doctor a try at a low dose anti depressant. Also try asking her opinion. I mean about ANYTHING. Or compliment her. About meals you remember, about what a great housekeeper she was and how you recognize now how hard it all is, just about anything at all.
It is not easy to live with anyone really. Not a hubby, not a sister or brother. Not a child or a roommate. And CERTAINLY not a mom!
At some point, and only if you feel she can understand, you may have to have a hard sit-down-talk with her. Let her know to begin that you understand she is depressed and unhappy and facing down losses that it takes great courage to deal with. But tell her that you have also a life, and a right to it, and your own life cannot be made one of suffering and unhappiness now because you will soon be looking the same losses she is facing right square in the eye. Tell her that you do not want to put her into a care facility, but that if her being with you is not bringing her any comfort at all, then she may be just as well in facility where she will be with people who CLEARLY understand all she is facing down daily because they are as well. And where there are activities and diversions and where she can handle her medications with a medication nurse, and not a daughter.
I say over and over here how when caregiving is done in the home one cannot be any longer the DD or darling daughter as we say, but rather the caregiver. And everyone fights the caregiver with all their rules and decisions and suggestions and so on.
You can only do this according to your own limitation. Honor those. Because this is your one life, and throwing it upon the funeral pyre of someone who has had her life already is hardly fair to you. And it is a slow burn.