My mom has dementia and me and my husband built her a house next to ours 1.5 years ago. I have decided to put her in a small group home Friday but my emotions are getting the best of me. We both work and she’s coming to my house 15 times a day wanting dog food for her dogs that I feed everyday. She can’t hold conversations anymore and has started seeing kids in her house and I’m worried she might wander off. How do I tell her when I take her that she will be living there? I’m afraid she’ll start crying and I’ll cave. I’ve been her sole caregiver all this time but I’m mentally exhausted.
I know it’s hard, but we send crying kids to school too and we don’t cave in.
Now Moms needs are the focus not her wants
Good Luck
1) You don’t ‘tell her she’ll be living there’. You say that she will be staying for a couple of weeks while work is done on her house. Decide what the ‘work’ is, and talk it up in advance.
2) Accept now that you are going to get tears, unless M is the unusual sort who never cries (like my own M). She’ll cry because she can’t come and ask for dog food – or any other reason.
3) Work out a plan for tears and stick to it. A common one is “I’ll come back again when you are less upset” and walk out. If you have to cry yourself, do it as you walk to the car, not where she can see. This method even leads to fewer tears, once it’s clear that’s what will happen.
4) Put something familiar in her room. You can’t furnish it with her things, like you can in Assisted Living, but perhaps a medium sized picture, even a favorite dress hanging up on a wall. Something that says ‘it’s my place’. Display it in her bedroom now, then transfer it.
5) Know that you will be exhausted and upset by all of this. Arrange a couple of days off work, an interesting outing, and a good night’s sleep to help you get over it.
Good luck!
Hopefully this is a decent one.
Cover, I don’t think you’re a bad person. You may mean well in your own way. I am sorry you aren’t happy with your circumstances. I truly hope you feel better or have a better environment in the future.
I am sorry if people who were supposed to help you just let you down.
Throwing guilt and shame at someone who is already having a hard time is the wrong way to go about things.
Margarets post says it all.
Placing a parent is one of the hardest things we will ever face. You will need time to adjust to the new normal as much as mom will, find ways to make happier memories and do things that enrich her life and yours. I found this to help the transition. I also found homemade treats were a great way to get all the residents around a table for introductions and chatting, this will help mom feel less amongst strangers.
This is something worth crying over, just don't do it together, she will latch on to your tears and it will be harder then it has to be.
Great big warm hug! It will be okay.
Before you make this transition, has she had a physical by her primary doctor to rule out a UTI?
Are you her PoA? If so, is your authority triggered by her getting a medical diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment from her doctor?
If you are her PoA this should happen.
Also, if she is having any other mental symptoms (like anxiety, agitation, paranoia, depression) you should talk to her doctor about meds to address this before she goes to the group home.
May you receive peace in your heart as she transitions.
You cannot cave.
Why would you think she cannot express her sadness? Is this not worth mourning? You are the one now in charge and MUST be strong for her. Accept her grief. Comfort her. Tell her you are sorry. Allow her to grieve what any normal human being on this earth WOULD grieve.
You cannot make happiness a fact. You are not omnipotent. You are not responsible for what has happened. None of this is your fault. And you cannot cure it. You CAN, however, join in the sadness and grief, and accept it is worth the tears, both hers and yours.
The facility/group home is used to helping residents through the very difficult first few weeks.
If you have to tell mom something tell her that you noticed a leak in the roof and that the roof needs to be replaced and any mold has to be dealt with. What the work is going on she will stay at this home with these lovely people.
the work may take a L O N G time.