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They live in a rural area. We now live near a larger city and own our home. I am still able to take care of my spouse who had stroke 11 years ago. We aren’t keen on moving where they live.
The problem I see is son living in a rural area. Its harder to get services and resources that you would get being closer to the city. You are not really "old" yet. How much does DHs stroke debilitate him? Is he capable of doing his ADLs? Are youcable to get out and do some socializing, are you content with how things are. Do you have the money for an AL if needed.
Your son maybe looking thru rose colored glasses. Parents and children living together is not the same when all are adults. The relationship has changed. I am 72 my DH 75 and we are not even considering moving in with daughters and I know they are not thinking about it.
Speaking from experience: It is hard as an adult child when your parent needs help with doctors visits, appointments, shopping, etc. , and they live hours away.
It is difficult when there are hospitalizations due to falls, med errors, or diet mismanagement (diabetics), and you live hours away.
There situations cause a strain on your job, your marriage, and your parenting. You miss holidays, anniversaries, school.programs, and use all your vacation time running up and down the road to help your parent(s).
There are several options here for compromising. You could have a home health nurse visit twice weekly to check in, get a life alert or similar system so that both you and your wife have the ability to press a button on your necklace should you need emergency help, and also start having medications delivered to your home in pre-filled packs to reduce errors due to confusion/distraction, or missed doses due to the inconvenience of having to drive to a pharmacy. Placing these safety mechanisms in motion, so to speak, will take a load of worry off the adult children.
Another option is to choose an assisted living facility and move there with your wife. Get an apartment together, and enjoy the company of your spouse without the responsibility of her medical needs. The adult children would also be relieved at this choice.
They have chosen to offer to open their home and offer their free.time to care for you both. This is a kind and loving thing to do, and it involves quite a lot of sacrifice on their part.
You are still able to live independently, but it sounds like your wife is not. Please utilize some resources so that you don't injure or exhaust yourself. Your children are genuinely concerned for you.
Thenap: Has your son suggested that you move in with him? Perhaps he is not able to care for his father who had a stroke eleven years ago. More information is needed, e.g. does the son have knowledge of medical issues as it relates to stroke specifically?, is he employed outside the home?, is his home equipped to handle a stroke victim? and a lot more.
Let their offer be the start of discussions about what kinds of help you need and when you need it. They want to be helpful. They want to make sure you don't burn out.
This is another ‘call me crazy’ issue. If you sell your house, you will have a lot of spare cash. If you give it away soon, you will probably be eligible for Medicaid when you need it. Is this in the back of anyone’s mind?
I think you need to have a frank, heart-to-heart talk with your son. Ask him why he is offering.
Using the answers that he gives you, try to find a way to address those concerns now. If he says that coming to see you is becoming too time consuming, maybe you can cut down on the times that he visits you. Maybe you can keep a list of all the things you need him to do so that when he comes over, he can do it in one visit.
My brother started telling my Mom that she needed to move to the city about 3 years before the actual move took place. The reason why he started so early was so that she would get used to the idea and agree to move before things got dicey. The first year, she didn't change her habits. The second year, she started to get rid of her material goods that she no longer needed, especially the stuff she kept for "in-case". By the third year, she was in a position to finally allow him to put the house and land up on the market.
It was an excellent strategy as my mother willingly moved, even though the 3 months prior to the move were brutal as she refused to let go of items that were of no use to her or anyone else, even though she knew she was significantly downsizing. My brother said that she was not ready to move her stuff when the movers came. This despite the fact that the house and land were sold and were going to new owners in a couple of days.
So talk to your son. You might not be keen on moving, however, he might be trying to prepare you for a future that you are not aware of.
As a daughter who has spoken to her father about this very subject, I can say that I've asked because I see my father's health declining from being caregiver to my mother. We want to help him. My siblings and I are concerned that he will die first, and to be very honest, caring for mother is much easier when father is around. My mother is adamant that she does not want to go into a nursing home of any kind, so it'd be much easier if they would move in with one of us together rather than him dying and leaving us to pick up the pieces.
My father has made it clear, however, that he wants them to stay in their own home as long as possible. He says just that and also has told us that he's afraid our mother will offend everyone at some point and relationships will be damaged.
It's still your choice where you live. Just tell him you aren't ready. But do make plans for a time when you will not be able to care for yourself or for your spouse, if his condition gets worse.
You can tell them you aren't ready. Perhaps your son is trying to ready things in the event you cannot take care of your spouse. Maybe son already sees you are wearing out and need a little help.
If something happened and you could not manage alone, do you have the funds to hire in-home help? Would you prefer to sell your home and find a facility to help with care in the large city where you live? And would the sale of the home be enough to cover living/medical expenses for the rest of your lives?
Keep an open mind - you have a son willing to help you and have you near enough to him to make his caregiving role a little easier. Way too many elderly parents out there have no one willing to step up to the plate. If you happened to fall and break a hip, would there be a medical emergency for you and your spouse where son has to make last minute decisions? Better to participate in a long term plan (how to cover your desired plan financially) with you son now while you still have a clear head.
Why is your son wanting you to move in with him/them? If you are able to be safe in your home. If you can care for yourself in a safe manner. If you can care for your spouse in a safe manner there seems to be no reason that he would want you to move in. If he is afraid of what might happen of you need more help have a plan in writing as to what the next steps are if and when you need help. Hire caregiver? Part time? Full time? Adapt your current house so that it is easier and safer? Move in to Assisted Living?
What is there to figure out? You and your husband simply tell him you don’t wish to move anywhere at this time and will let him know in the future if and when that time comes and express appreciation for his concern.
Is there some other factors that cause you to be reluctant to simply tell him?
I shouldn't think *anybody* is keen on your moving to where your son lives! - though not including your son, evidently.
Older people who are beginning to want support to maintain their quality of life need to be near their network and their services unless they are prepared to give up all independence. From your son's home, how long would it take you / how much would it cost you to get to your doctor, your dentist, your daytime activities, shopping trips, accessible parks, your podiatrist, pharmacy, optician, your hairdresser, your friends..?
Bless the boy, he probably picures you enjoying your sunset years in a rural idyll, surrounded by your loving family. Remind him that you do have a life, and that if you need support with caring for your spouse you're much more likely to be able to source it where you live now.
Call me crazy & a downer.. (soz, it's where I am today 😜)..
What ARE your son's reasons to move you in?
Is he planning on being his Father's caregiver now? Does he think his partner will be? Do they have 5 kids + bub on the way & would like a nanny/fairy Godmother/Grandmother to be live-in babysitter??
You said you were coping, which is great 😀If/when the time comes you both could benefit from a little extra help around the home, have you though who would do this? Has your son thought this through too?
He would be the cleaner, cook, driver, physical helper with heavy groceries & also personal care if/when required for husband (or yourself).
If you all think this could work well, then I can see how moving under his roof would make sense. But if not - home services would be used instead. Wouldn't those be more accessible where you are, rather than if rural?
I am thinking of social opportunities too. I love the solitude of a country ramble & quiet starry evenings. But I also love exercise & learning classes & socialising with people my own age. How much social life will you get in their area?
Lots to weigh up. First see what his reasons are. Then explain how you like to live. Compare your goals & expectations. See if they match (or not).
My grandmother was very proud of the fact that at 93 she was still living independently in her own home, paying the bills, and taking care of everything herself, except she wasn't. She had "houseguests" visiting -- either a family friend, one of her nieces, or me -- virtually every day for the last two years she lived there. She was not handling thing on her own by any stretch of the imagination, but neither was she decrepit, failing in any significant medical way, or suffering from dementia. She just wasn't pulling the load she thought she was.
You should definitely have a serious conversation with her son to determine why he wants you living there. It could be that you're not making a too-great demand on his time -- yet -- but that day is coming and he doesn't want to try to move you two in a crisis. I understand the desire to stay put and live as you always have, but at some point things are going to change and you won't be able to do so. Being cognizant of all the possible scenarios is good for both you and your son, so have that conversation.
What is the situation with you and your husband? How much care does he need? Are you stressed out? Burnt out? 11 years is a very long time to be providing care!
Is your husband independent at all or are you doing everything? Please honestly assess your situation and make sure that you are not burning the candle at both ends. If you are, please get yourself some help so that you can have a life for yourself too. Your son may or may not be right that you need more help.
Would the living arrangements be that you are IN their house or in an in-law apartment? Huge difference.
A lot of elderly people wait too long to get the help they need when they need it. Don't be one of those people. I mean no disrespect, just laying out ideas and options.
There must be a reason why he is feeling this level of concern. You can help put his fears to rest by being *realistic* and proactive: tell him you'll try to find an appropriate person to come in and help you for XX hrs every week. You'll keep ramping up the help until it is more work to manage than just transitioning to a care community. Make sure you have all your legal ducks in a row (you have assigned a DPoA, have created an Advance Healthcare Directive, and have a Last Will finalized). Do everything that will help you to stay truly independent in your home: get regular medical check-ups, get hearing aids if indicated (the cost is worth it); seniorize and downsize your home to make living there easier on yourselves, etc. Have all your important and sensitive paperwork collected in a single place (like a portable fire-proof safe) so that whoever has to come provide care isn't in a frantic hunt looking for these documents. Create online accounts for your banking, medical, insurance (and please use a good password keeper app). Keep a key hidden outside your home that only the police or a very trusted neighbor knows the whereabouts incase someone needs to gain access in an emergency. Set up home-delivery of food, take a senior driving refresher course, join a senior center, etc.
If my parents lived in a rural area, I'd be concerned, too. We're already experiencing an extreme labor shortage, and maybe more so in less populated areas. The more you take initiative the less concerned your son will need to be.
Excellent answer. My parents had much of this in place before dad died. I'd also add if they have a safety deposit box, make sure someone else is on it. My dad had to move his because bank branch was closing. That was a Thursday. By Tuesday, he was dead. COVID. Pre-vax. Brought into their home by an aide. He hadn't had time to add me. Getting access to bank stocks, car, deed in the safety deposit box was a six-month disaster, even though I'm POA. (My mom, stroke 10 years ago, had to driver's license and so no ID. Something else to keep in mind.) It may also be a good idea to put someone else on investments etc. THAT took a year. Never got the same person twice, different answers of what I needed to do every time I called, so many promises of "I promise to help you." My fav was the woman who said she was going on vacation. "Call me in 2 weeks. I'll get this done for you." When I called, yeah, she was no longer working there.
I just met an older man who said he has 2 daughters; one who's very pushy and one who's quite detached from him in terms of his care and 'management'. My DH & I have 7 children between us, and 1 daughter who fits into the 'pushy' category and 6 who fit into the detached category. My 'pushy', or lets call her 'overly concerned' daughter would be carrying on about the 'need' for her to take care of us in our old age, at some point, while the others wouldn't know if we were dead in the street and needed to have our bodies scraped off the pavement. I exaggerate, but you get the drift.
To my pushy daughter I would tell her, in no uncertain terms, Thanks but NO THANKS, dear. We are perfectly FINE to live alone and to take care of ourselves. I love you but NO. We are staying put where we are. But we will definitely call you if and when we need help or think we'd like to move in with you, and SO appreciate the offer.
Love this, scrape off the pavement 😂. We have a daughter that doesn’t come to visit, says she is so busy, meanwhile she is having the time of her life partying, going on vacations with friends, etc🙁🙁
A lot of times adult children suggest this because they see signs that the parents need more help than they can offer from a distance. My mom always thought she was doing fine but when we visited we noticed a lot of decline in her property and in her ability to take care of things and herself. It was easier for us to see and she was also in some amount of denial. I don't know if that's your situation or not, you don't give reasons for your son wanting you to move in, but I would find out specifically why he would prefer you live with him and then honestly determine if what he's saying makes sense. Like, is he having to drop everything and come help you with the house, or with his dad, or take you guys places, or help with finances, bills, and paperwork? If these are indeed things that are compromising his time, his life with his family and his job, then I think you should think about that. And if you are dead set against moving to him, then think it through and offer a plan for facing those challenges where you are, like hiring more help around the house, caregiving assistance for your husband, and so on.
I am only guessing, but my guesses are based on the most common scenarios for adult kids and their parents, including my own family. All the best!
Are you calling them for help with things around the house and/or expecting them to travel to you for regular visits? ... if so this could be his way of telling you that you are asking too for much of their time and resources. A lot of the people who come to this forum are here because they are looking for help with propping up their parent's "independence", which in reality is not independence at all.
What is the problem with simply and gently saying "Son, I thank you for your suggestions that we move in with you. I understand you worry about us. But so far we are doing OK on our own. We will let you know when we feel ready. But meanwhile can you tell me what makes you think we need to do this? Perhaps I am complaining too much about the day to day? And that makes you feel you need to get us moved someplace safe? Just know we appreciate your being at the ready, and your concern, but we will let you know. Meanwhile our daily complaints are just a way of letting off steam about daily life and its needs". He must have a reason for pushing for this now. Ask him what that reason is. I sure wish you the best.
Thank you for the offer, however, we will not be moving in with you in the near future.
I am one of those people who would never live with any of my family members, when the time comes I will check myself into Assisted Living and go from there.
Me, as well, Dolly. Apparently our OP has already an agreement, the space and the willingness from her son and family. But I really feel I wouldn't want to feel like/be a burden to my children. And we often feel, as our inhibitions fall away with age, that we can say things to our children we would never say to someone running an ALF. I saved pretty hard/worked pretty hard all my life to insure I wouldn't have to be a burden to my kids, as my parents did before me. Just think it is better (at least for me) this way. But I have seen times when it worked for families, so their choice. I just think that this son is seeing SOMETHING that makes him worry. Mom working to hard, and responsible for too much. They need to talk together.
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You are not really "old" yet. How much does DHs stroke debilitate him? Is he capable of doing his ADLs? Are youcable to get out and do some socializing, are you content with how things are. Do you have the money for an AL if needed.
Your son maybe looking thru rose colored glasses. Parents and children living together is not the same when all are adults. The relationship has changed. I am 72 my DH 75 and we are not even considering moving in with daughters and I know they are not thinking about it.
It is hard as an adult child when your parent needs help with doctors visits, appointments, shopping, etc. , and they live hours away.
It is difficult when there are hospitalizations due to falls, med errors, or diet mismanagement (diabetics), and you live hours away.
There situations cause a strain on your job, your marriage, and your parenting. You miss holidays, anniversaries, school.programs, and use all your vacation time running up and down the road to help your parent(s).
There are several options here for compromising. You could have a home health nurse visit twice weekly to check in, get a life alert or similar system so that both you and your wife have the ability to press a button on your necklace should you need emergency help, and also start having medications delivered to your home in pre-filled packs to reduce errors due to confusion/distraction, or missed doses due to the inconvenience of having to drive to a pharmacy. Placing these safety mechanisms in motion, so to speak, will take a load of worry off the adult children.
Another option is to choose an assisted living facility and move there with your wife. Get an apartment together, and enjoy the company of your spouse without the responsibility of her medical needs. The adult children would also be relieved at this choice.
They have chosen to offer to open their home and offer their free.time to care for you both. This is a kind and loving thing to do, and it involves quite a lot of sacrifice on their part.
You are still able to live independently, but it sounds like your wife is not. Please utilize some resources so that you don't injure or exhaust yourself. Your children are genuinely concerned for you.
What would your husband want for you if something should happen to him?
Using the answers that he gives you, try to find a way to address those concerns now. If he says that coming to see you is becoming too time consuming, maybe you can cut down on the times that he visits you. Maybe you can keep a list of all the things you need him to do so that when he comes over, he can do it in one visit.
My brother started telling my Mom that she needed to move to the city about 3 years before the actual move took place. The reason why he started so early was so that she would get used to the idea and agree to move before things got dicey. The first year, she didn't change her habits. The second year, she started to get rid of her material goods that she no longer needed, especially the stuff she kept for "in-case". By the third year, she was in a position to finally allow him to put the house and land up on the market.
It was an excellent strategy as my mother willingly moved, even though the 3 months prior to the move were brutal as she refused to let go of items that were of no use to her or anyone else, even though she knew she was significantly downsizing. My brother said that she was not ready to move her stuff when the movers came. This despite the fact that the house and land were sold and were going to new owners in a couple of days.
So talk to your son. You might not be keen on moving, however, he might be trying to prepare you for a future that you are not aware of.
My father has made it clear, however, that he wants them to stay in their own home as long as possible. He says just that and also has told us that he's afraid our mother will offend everyone at some point and relationships will be damaged.
Just tell him why you don't want to move in.
If something happened and you could not manage alone, do you have the funds to hire in-home help? Would you prefer to sell your home and find a facility to help with care in the large city where you live? And would the sale of the home be enough to cover living/medical expenses for the rest of your lives?
Keep an open mind - you have a son willing to help you and have you near enough to him to make his caregiving role a little easier. Way too many elderly parents out there have no one willing to step up to the plate. If you happened to fall and break a hip, would there be a medical emergency for you and your spouse where son has to make last minute decisions? Better to participate in a long term plan (how to cover your desired plan financially) with you son now while you still have a clear head.
If you are able to be safe in your home.
If you can care for yourself in a safe manner.
If you can care for your spouse in a safe manner there seems to be no reason that he would want you to move in.
If he is afraid of what might happen of you need more help have a plan in writing as to what the next steps are if and when you need help.
Hire caregiver? Part time? Full time?
Adapt your current house so that it is easier and safer?
Move in to Assisted Living?
Is there some other factors that cause you to be reluctant to simply tell him?
Older people who are beginning to want support to maintain their quality of life need to be near their network and their services unless they are prepared to give up all independence. From your son's home, how long would it take you / how much would it cost you to get to your doctor, your dentist, your daytime activities, shopping trips, accessible parks, your podiatrist, pharmacy, optician, your hairdresser, your friends..?
Bless the boy, he probably picures you enjoying your sunset years in a rural idyll, surrounded by your loving family. Remind him that you do have a life, and that if you need support with caring for your spouse you're much more likely to be able to source it where you live now.
What ARE your son's reasons to move you in?
Is he planning on being his Father's caregiver now? Does he think his partner will be? Do they have 5 kids + bub on the way & would like a nanny/fairy Godmother/Grandmother to be live-in babysitter??
You said you were coping, which is great 😀If/when the time comes you both could benefit from a little extra help around the home, have you though who would do this? Has your son thought this through too?
He would be the cleaner, cook, driver, physical helper with heavy groceries & also personal care if/when required for husband (or yourself).
If you all think this could work well, then I can see how moving under his roof would make sense. But if not - home services would be used instead. Wouldn't those be more accessible where you are, rather than if rural?
I am thinking of social opportunities too. I love the solitude of a country ramble & quiet starry evenings. But I also love exercise & learning classes & socialising with people my own age. How much social life will you get in their area?
Lots to weigh up.
First see what his reasons are.
Then explain how you like to live. Compare your goals & expectations. See if they match (or not).
You should definitely have a serious conversation with her son to determine why he wants you living there. It could be that you're not making a too-great demand on his time -- yet -- but that day is coming and he doesn't want to try to move you two in a crisis. I understand the desire to stay put and live as you always have, but at some point things are going to change and you won't be able to do so. Being cognizant of all the possible scenarios is good for both you and your son, so have that conversation.
Is your husband independent at all or are you doing everything? Please honestly assess your situation and make sure that you are not burning the candle at both ends. If you are, please get yourself some help so that you can have a life for yourself too. Your son may or may not be right that you need more help.
Would the living arrangements be that you are IN their house or in an in-law apartment? Huge difference.
A lot of elderly people wait too long to get the help they need when they need it. Don't be one of those people. I mean no disrespect, just laying out ideas and options.
Best of luck.
If my parents lived in a rural area, I'd be concerned, too. We're already experiencing an extreme labor shortage, and maybe more so in less populated areas. The more you take initiative the less concerned your son will need to be.
To my pushy daughter I would tell her, in no uncertain terms, Thanks but NO THANKS, dear. We are perfectly FINE to live alone and to take care of ourselves. I love you but NO. We are staying put where we are. But we will definitely call you if and when we need help or think we'd like to move in with you, and SO appreciate the offer.
That about covers it, I think.
I am only guessing, but my guesses are based on the most common scenarios for adult kids and their parents, including my own family. All the best!
Are you calling them for help with things around the house and/or expecting them to travel to you for regular visits? ... if so this could be his way of telling you that you are asking too for much of their time and resources. A lot of the people who come to this forum are here because they are looking for help with propping up their parent's "independence", which in reality is not independence at all.
He must have a reason for pushing for this now. Ask him what that reason is. I sure wish you the best.
I am one of those people who would never live with any of my family members, when the time comes I will check myself into Assisted Living and go from there.