How do I respond to my brother's hurtful questions?
My mom has been in an AL with private care givers for 8 months. Her cost of care is 140k a year. She’s 80, 100% cognitive but an extreme fall risk. Been hospitalized/rehab twice before I hired private caregivers. Between her savings and monthly property incomes she has enough for about 10 yrs. After that we can sell one of her rental properties which would give her another 8 yrs. She will never need to sell everything unless she lives to 150! I’m her only daughter and her POA. My 2 brothers seem heartless and only focus on the money. HER money btw. One has asked me several times in heated debates over her cost of care, “how much longer do you think she’s going to live?” I break out in tears with this question. I don’t know how to handle this question and it makes me so confused and depressed. How can her son feel this way? Fyi fantastic mom who sacrificed a lot for her children.
What level of care does HE think she needs? Is he happy to welcome her into his home?
Get some support for yourself--here, an in-person caregivers group, therapy. Learn techniques to stand up the the ignorant people in your life.
AWWWWFUL.
I look forward to justice against your brother.
ignore the comments, when it starts take a breath and mentally tell yourself patience… I do it with my mom. It helps me to not engage and react. I might have to do it numerous times. Just know you are doing as your mom asked of you.
IGNORE the questions like that.
If you really want to get him tell him to direct ALL questions regarding mom to her attorney. (and you know each question will cost $$$)
Any questions about her health can be directed to her doctors. (and you know the response there will be that they can not give out any information due to HIPAA laws)
As to "heated debates"
Get up and leave the room.
Hang up the phone
Do not debate.
Do not engage in the conversations.
I know it is difficult, if not impossible to shut it all out but it will get slightly easier each time.
My brother also went into money mode with my folks and asked me (the Trustee) for an advance on his inheritance to buy out his ex-wife from her half of their house.
Yeah, no. Not happening.
I had to tell him that the money was still Mom's, and it needed to work for her in her investments. Not surprisingly, he came to find out that the ex had no intention of selling to him anyway, and that situation remains in flux today, 2+ years later. Now he has his half of most of his inheritance, and he's paralyzed at the thought of paying for a hotel room or anything over $100.
Just ignore your brother, or you can also ask him with wide-eyed innocence, "Why on earth would you want to know?"
Thank heavens that your Mom knew who here should be the POA. Remember, you as POA owe nothing to the others, not an explanation of any kind. This is your job; you were the one appointed to act in your parent's best interest and you are clear (thank goodness) in your mind that you are doing the right thing.
You are going to need, when you are strong and able and clear in your own mind enough to do it, to sit down the rest of the family and let them know how they are allowed to speak to you if they wish any contact whatsoever.
I am thankful for your Mom that she has the assets to care for herself. I hope you are also her executor. I am thankful you are clear in your mind and we aren't hearing the litanies of "uncertainty" and "guilt" as they are inappropriate for certain.
I was POA and Trustee for my brother's trust. He lived his life as a waiter. He was so proud of how he saved all his life, coupon clipper that he was, and I was so proud to report to him that he could not conceivably outlive what he had saved (and he didn't) and I could ensure he got the best care there was (he did).
So you carry on. And I think it will take no more than a few visits with a therapist (I suggest Licensed Social Worker trained in life transitions therapy) to reassure you that standing up to your brothers will bring you the peace you need and that you so richly DESERVE.
My best to you.
If you can ignore him, I’d strongly suggest that. Also in my case when I spend mom’s money on mom’s care, I remind myself that this is money that my greedy sibling will never get. This line of thinking gives me some devious joy I admit. Every steep medical bill I pay down with mom’s own money, I think, “ha HA! “
Vigorous exercise helps a ton too or I’d blow a gasket I swear.
Sending you good thoughts!
Just say that it's inappropriate to speculate on your mother's potential longevity, and that your brothers should be like and consider how they can be of help and support now, so that they don't feel guilty being so inconsiderate and self absorbed.
You could also ask what they have to offer in anticipation of the windfall they're apparently expecting, i.e., you could use help with....house cleaning, lawn management, something they can easily do. .
Then hang up if this is a phone call, leave the room if it's an in person discussion, or whatever, but terminate the conversation and don't give them a chance to respond. It may not work, but it should at least shame them.
BTW, those with their eyes on inheritance often are sneaky, and might be documenting you to challenge you later. So do that: document (privately) what you do, and are spending. It wouldn't surprise me if the brothers demanded to know how you're managing your mother's funds.
I did hire an elder law attorney to set up a trust for my mom because all she had was a simple Will. I would inherit a 3rd of real estate bound with my brothers. I told my mom I wanted my third in a cash payout and hasta la vista. My mom completely understands and told me not to worry about it. My brothers were not happy with me because the trustee(local bank trust dept) will have to liquidate property’s to pay me my share. I’ll probably never speak to them again when this angel leaves us.
As Alva said, as POA you do not give out any financial info. Thats between u and Mom. Same with Medical. It realky is a shame though that you have to hire outside help when you are paying big time for an AL. I would hope that the care part of her bill reflects that she has private aides so that part of her bill is fairly small.
Me, I would not have invited my brothers to dinner. Tell husband he is free to tell them off. Got to learn a comeback for what they say. Me, I always think of something 1/2 hour later and then its too late.
The best is getting that attorney. As far as your brothers are concerned I would just say its her money not ours so she can do with it the way she wants too.
Prayers again
They bully because they can, and you tolerate it. You answer questions, and allow it to continue.
Give them one warning, then walk away, or hang up the phone.
You have to get a backbone bone and stick to it. People only bully others who allow it.
What my mom taught me when I was a kid and getting bullied was to practice smart comebacks. See yourself hanging up the phone. See yourself in your mind sticking up for yourself. Practice several scenarios in your mind, until you have multiple comments to shut it down. You have to have several at the ready. If they continue harassing you, follow thru with hanging up or leaving. Do not feel guilty for sticking up for yourself! That is what normal people do. They don't tolerate disrespect. Instead of feeling guilty over it, pat yourself on the back, you are a grown woman, and stand up for yourself. They need to learn they don't get to bully you. You aren't a child any more, you dont have to tolerate disrespect. You arent working for them. You dont have to answer to them. You are doing those things for your mom. We are taught to be nice, and it is hard to stand up for yourself. The first or second time, you will feel guilty and mad you had to do it. But you need to set a HEALTHY boundary. Everyone in life must learn this lesson to stick up for themselves. So if you feel guilty, turn that around and pat yourself on your back you protected YOU. It will hurt less and less the more you do it. Good luck.
Set your boundaries and stick to them. If they call and start on you, say goodbye and hang up. If they send you a nasty gram, don't reply.
They cannot walk on your back unless you are laying on the ground, stand up and defend your position by setting those boundaries.
We saw what fighting could do. Our uncle was horrible to our grandmother. She wanted to visit with him in her later years, but could not be on her own. She planned a very long trip with help from my mother to visit her son half a world a way and stay with him and his family. Shortly before he said she’d have to stay in an apartment down the street because his wife did not want her staying in the house at night. The trip was canceled. The next time he was divorced, and she was going to stay with him in his apartment. She had the beginnings of dementia and couldn’t be by herself. The day before she was to leave, he informed everyone that she’d have to be in her own place. The end result was that she disinherited him. He didn’t visit her where she lived, didn’t write, didn’t call, just disappeared. He received $1 & was furious. my grandmother made sure to have her mental state evaluated by 3 doctors at the time to ensure the her will would withstand any difficulty and my mother refused to be the executor- my father was, so she wouldn’t be in the middle of things. He thought he had been tricked because of inheritance laws in Switzerland being different from the US. It was complicated. He did everything to make my mother unhappy as well. It gave him pleasure to turn people against each other-just a very unhappy man.
When our mother passed, my sisters and I were devastated. We still miss her years later. I remember her at the point of deciding to either move into independent living or an apartment unaffiliated with independent living or moving in with one of my sisters. I knew she did not want to move in with any of my sisters. My family had lived with her for the previous 14 and it had an expiration date - arranged at the very beginning. She was unhappy it ended initially, but then said it was the best thing - which I agree was, because the house we ere in was too big, too much, too far from services and selling gave both of us a chance to move on to something better.
I knew she didn’t want the apartment, because of an example of one of her friends mother who moved to an apartment and then her friends stopped visiting because it was too difficult to walk up stairs. My sisters were very much for the apartment. I asked her what do you want? Have you thought about it? If independent living is what you want, then do that. It sounds like a fine idea to me - companionship when you want with activities, and your own place where you can entertain as you please and continue your business (she was still working part-time). It was perfect for her. My sisters came around.
Your mother knows who is the responsible person, and that is you. It doesn’t matter if you have a snappy retort to your brother. I hope your mother lives a very long time with good mental acuity and enjoys the pleasure of your company and assistance. When asked how long she will live by your brother, the answer is forever.
I do not have this issue (yet), but I am my mom's sole caregiver and have been for many years. I have two siblings; my brother lives in the same state, only about 25 miles away and my sister lives in NYC. They have not helped in any way. I have my mom's POA and I'm so happy to hear that you have your mother's.
I assume your mom has a will? If not, you two should talk to an elder care lawyer immediately. It's fortunate that your mom has the means to pay for her care, but I can also see your selfish siblings wanting those means to not decrease so they can get more money. The things your brothers ask about your mom's "value" is unimaginable. I sense that you have not told your mom about these questions and comments. I don't know your specific relationship with her, but if I were in your shoes, I would tell her and reveal how awful it makes you feel. If she's so smart, she'll support you. Who knows? Maybe she'll want to amend her will?
At the very least I hope you all can have a conversation about this. Bring in a mediator, if need be. Above all, remember this:
Brothers have been torturing sisters all over the world, in every country and for too many years.
Best of luck,
Boo
You sound like a wonderfully caring daughter who inherited her mother’s smarts! If you became unable to fulfill POA duties, who is the secondary or back-up? Hopefully neither one of your brothers!
As for hosting events, why invite people that cause you grief, particularly those whom you probably won’t speak to again once your mother has taken the journey? If your mother being alive is the only thing you have in common with your brothers, and they’re already anticipating her death, what would be the reason to continue socializing with them. Spend it with those that celebrate who your mother IS, not those who will celebrate when she’s gone.
Of course, this will only work if she is 100% cognitive.
Crystals, you are her POA, so stop telling anyone about your Mom's finances, keeping them private.
Do not participate at all in any discussions with your brother about Mom's private affairs.
Maybe that will help you.
The next time one of your brothers asks how long your mother is going to live, tell him to ask God because you're not the one who makes that decision.
Your mom may be an extreme fall risk as you say, but she doesn't have dementia so she can enjoy a very active social life if she wants to.
If she uses a wheelchair and also has private caregivers, encourage them and her to start going places if they don't already do this. Shopping, out for lunches, to a casino or bingo if your mom likes that sort of this. Mom ought to start spending her money then see how fast your brother shuts up.
Whether you think your brother's motive is fear of a smaller inheritance, or not, perhaps repeating this mantra to yourself when he confronts you with an unreasonable question could help: "Consider the source." That removes confusion & emotion, & it could help you frame your answer.
After our mom died, my brother took it to another level. He told me that I'd be subject to prosecution if it were found that I used her money for my own use. (Duh). He's a CPA, he lives hundreds of miles away, & he was not involved in her care. It was hurtful, but I said to myself, "Consider the source." To keep peace in the family, I provided him with our mom's financial records. He asked about some money she inherited 35 years prior to her death. I had no idea what she did with it, told him that, & repeated "Consider the source." Crisis averted.
I still love my brother, but I know that his frame of reference is different from mine. Thinking, "Consider the source" usually helps.
Now as POA, I have to manage my 91yo mother’s care worrying about dwindling funds and where she might wind up if she runs out. And I pray for wisdom to make the best decisions I can for her sake, and for God’s mercy that my mother gets to stay in the AL apartment she loves until she draws her last breath.
Kudos to all the wise people on this forum. Your experience and insights help me so much! Hoping it helps Crystals too!
Or - reply with a question - how long would you like to see her live?