Maybe that question seems obvious, but it is harder than it seems. I am his older brother and most of his life he had leaned on me, like when he’s been unemployed, broke, recently broken up with someone, or facing some other personal crisis. Once the waters calm in his life, he reverts back to his typical purely self centred self.
Recently, our mom passed away. She was in the hospital for nearly a year before she passed. During that year he came and visited her once. He would tell me all of the time that he would be here helping me if he could (he lives 2 provinces over). In that same breath he also told me how excited he was to go on a trip for 2 weeks to Mexico; he also went to Montana and Banff during this time - so he could have helped if he really wanted to.
My mom left him out of the will completely, but had a direct disbursement from her life insurance allocated to him. I’m sure you can imagine how angry he was that he wasn’t given half of the life insurance and was left out of the estate. There’s good reason, he had tried to take over my mom’s finances a bit more than 5 years before she passed. He tried to sell her house and downsize her against her wishes, so he could pocket the equity. In turn she ensured he had no authority over her estate.
I have tried to foster a relationship with him but it’s all bout what he wants. I have flown out to help him with a surgery and to paint his house. When I flew out to help him paint, he spent the entire week at his new girlfriend’s place and I painted his whole house by myself - not even a thank you. He needed 12k for a down payment for a new house after a bad breakup. I lent it to him - not a thank you and I had to hound him to get paid back.
Just recently he asked for more money and I said no. In turn he told me he wasn’t coming back home for my mom’s celebration of life because of “the current status our relationship” really it is because I wouldn’t give him more money. The kicker is we planned this whole thing around his availability. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I don’t want anything to do with him, he is toxic; but I can’t quite get him out of my mind - worrying about him. What can I do to stop being tempted to contact him?
As I've gotten older I've decided that I don't need to feel any attachment or obligation to family members just because they are kin. I've stopped communicating with my 2 BILs and their wives because I realized it was a 1-way street: only when I initiated a conversation or plan to meet up did anything happen. They obviously don't care so I'm going to invest my time and energies on people who I really enjoy being with, regardless if they are family or not.
"What can I do to stop being tempted to contact him?"
Find healthy boundaries and defend them. Block his number, don't check in on him on social media and stop caring. Stop being a Rescuer: it's been a thankless job this whole time and a waste of good intentions on him. Move on. See a therapist if necessary. Get a life of your own.
You are the life vest.
You know the answer to your question.
Tell him when he is not in crisis that he needs to "grow up" and begin solving his own problems.
He mentally holds you hostage to his wants.
I also think that you need to talk to a counselor, therapist so that you can get to the root of the "why" you do this to yourself.
NO is a powerful 2 letter word and you need to learn how to use it more and mean it. Plus some good therapy probably wouldn't hurt for you either, so you can better understand why you feel the need to be used and abused by your brother and anyone else who may have you caught in their dysfunctional web.
A therapist who specializes in toxic relationships can help you learn to disengage.
It sounds like you have good boundaries, as did your mom, recognizing brother's nature and declining to continue giving money or help. It's just hard to let go of the idea of somehow fixing him and having him magically become appreciative and understanding.
I had a brother with somewhat similar personality issues. He took with reckless abandon and expected all of us to shore him up.
He exhausted me. He actually frightened me, in some ways. Finally, about 2 years before he died, I made the decision to go 'no contact' with him. My DH was totally supportive of this and I was much calmer and better.
When he died, I had no reaction, b/c to me, he had been 'dead' for years. I sound awful to say that, I know, but he was such an emotion-suck. He took and took and then abused us all, financially and mentally.
Family or not, he was not a good influence in my life. I didn't hate him, but I hated how he made me feel.
He's playing you--and don't give in to his childish demands. If he doesn't want to come to his mother's celebration of life, tell him that's fine and don't let him manipulate you.
He knows you care and he's gotten in your brain. Sounds like he can do just fine without you. Remember all you've done for him and practice letting it all go.
I have found that my therapist has been an amazing help. She can’t change the way my mother set things up legally but she reassures me that I am not the one who is being unreasonable as my brother claims. We are trying to brainstorm solutions to some issues that have come up recently to figure out to deal with them. Now that my mother has dementia I can not explain to her why I don’t want things placed in both our names or why I don’t want joint responsibilities such as being coexecutors of her will. I am willing to relinquish my role to save my sanity but my mother wants us to get along and have equal rights. She does not realize that I will never have equal rights in his view, nor can I succeed at standing up to him.
You have the ability to cut off any interactions with your brother and I envy you. A good therapist can really help keep things in perspective! I am very thankful for mine!
🙏
tine fir you to ok dev I debit you want to continue putting up with his nonsense or continue the same cycle
that’s only a choice you can make
I’m sure most people would say that’s your choice and forget it
im sure he will contact you and if he doesn’t that’s ok as well
he doesn’t care the yr mother
your mothers celebration isn’t about him or you
ur he’s trying to manipulate it so it is
time to get on with your own life
even your mother - his mother had enough and woke up
you prob would benefit to as well
He’s a grown up man who’s eve. Treated like an irresponsible teenager taking all his life
your not his parent and not responsible fir him
It’s pretty disgusting him using your mother to aim at you
very manipulative
time you walked away
your choice brother and i respect that
I’ve got to go
bye
I sense there are deep rooted feelings and 'reasons' why you feel as you do, perhaps, if not naturally, to do with childhood and how you felt - needing to take on 'adult responsibilities' to protect him, as a child yourself.
I wonder if you've been in therapy to discuss / process these feelings which appear to be life-long.
Has he been in therapy and/or diagnosed with mental illness?
Yes, of course you worry about him.
And, he is in your mind (you have been there or trying to be there for him as a 'life saver' all his (adult?) life - if not longer. These 'feelings' do not change overnight. It takes time.
You will be tempted to contact him - and you will need to resolve to - or decide - that you need to set your limits and how you define 'helping him.' It appears he hasn't had to be responsible to himself and for his actions, and his (selfish) decision making (without you coming to his 'rescue' to clean up after him) - even when he exhibits what I could extreme narcissistic behaviors / tendencies.
Why have you continually over the years to relate to him as you do?
In other words, not require or encourage him to take care of himself 'because' you aren't there to clean up his life decisions.
Sometimes, a person has to hit rock bottom before deciding that they need to 'do something' to turn their life around. He perhaps hasn't had to do this because he knows you will be there to rescue him.
I would suggest that you be kind to YOURSELF and know that changing your own feelings and behavior towards him will take time - it is so ingrained in you emotionally, psychologically, and behavior over - decades?
That you loaned him 12K and then 'expected' a thank you tells me that you ... are in some kind of denial of who he is. And with his track record, you continue to make him YOUR responsibility. Why?
Only you can figure this out, and I would encourage you to get into therapy for the support you need to understand what is running you - and decide if you want to extricate yourself from this complex / complicated relationship - and how.
He will continue to lean and rely on you until you stop.
He won't believe you. Your actions will show him that he cannot continue to depend on you.
Whatever decisions he makes in his life have consequences.
He may need to be hospitalized, end up in jail or have something 'happen' before he gets it. You will need to 'allow' him to go through whatever he needs to go through to learn whatever he needs to learn to be a responsible human being, even if he may need medication for mental illness.
Of course he will be MAD. He feels he deserves others to take care of him. And, you have been. Expect him to be irate / mad. And you set your limits.
Be clear on what you will and will not do.
Put it in writing. Mail it certified mail (so he knows you are serious).
First, you need to be VERY CLEAR on your motivations and limits.
Gena / Touch Matters
Whatever the reason, it was none of your doing and you were not responsible then and you are not responsible now either. It is not your fault.
You can find affirmations online around “I am enough. I do enough.”
If he were not your brother, would you expend this much energy on him? I sort of doubt it, unless you are simply into hurting yourself, which I hope you are not. At 82, I have seen a lot of life. It seems from my outside looking in that you think of him as your brother, but he does not think of you as his brother...just someone to bail him out of tight spaces. That's not how brotherhood really works. Brotherhood is supposed to be a "two-way street, " with each brother helping the other, when help is required. On this post are a lot of really fine comments. I am new to AgingCare, so I'm not so sure if my advice is the best. Their advice is probably better, including several suggestions about seeking professional help and also writing a letter to your brother...whether you mail it or not, i.e., just writing it down might help you see a clearer path. You seem to be a good man and want to rescue your brother. Your brother is probably a good man but doesn't realize the impact of his conduct on you and perhaps others because he was not brought up properly to be empathetic... or he simply has a natural character flaw. What I see from the outside looking in are two people who cannot figuratively swim. When a rescuer who cannot swim jumps into a river to help a person who is drowning in that river, the result is almost always that both will drown. Perhaps you can start by simply pulling away, i.e., if you are the one who makes the first contact, then don't. And, if he asks for more money, simply say that you cannot afford it. A little "tough love" seems to be in order here. In short, think of him as not your brother, as he does not seem like one from what I can see. It's OK to take care of you.
Sincerely,
J. Mark Fox
With that being said and in light of your brother not attending his own mother’s memorial, I say block him from your contacts. Block him from your social media. Just let him go live his life. Trust me, he will come looking for you at some point when he’s down and out again.
And if you don’t hear from him, maybe it’s for the best.
Just know that in your heart you have helped him out and have done everything you can to maintain a relationship with him. The knife cuts both ways. Maybe when he realizes that he might lose his loving big brother, then maybe he will change. One can always hope.
In the meantime, you love your life and let him live his.