Our brother is 65, has dementia and lives in the moment. He may or may not recall having a conversation, etc.. He enjoys attention-from anyone. He is physically and mentally handicapped due to a TBI in 1979. I am the primary person in his life. My husband spends some time with him, primarily meals. We have a brother and sister who live in other states. I have suggested they send pictures, cards or call but it's been 2-1/2 yrs and only a few calls and one birthday gift. My brother doesn't ask about them but seems genuinely happy when they did call a couple of times. I am wondering if it really matters if they stay in closer contact as he truly doesn't remember things.
I guess my question has two parts. First, should I just forget about nudging or hinting for their attention based on the past 2 plus years? Secondly, if should try again to bring it up, how can I gracefully navigate the request without sounding coercive or judgemental?
Just to be clear. I am the one who is wanting this for my brother. I have specifically asked my brother if he misses talking to them and he says he doesn't. He seems content talking about the past.
I appreciate any thoughts on this. Maybe another perspective will help me accept the situation or sort the navigating. Thank you.
Who knows? They may just take your words to heart and do it.
The only outcome of such a push for attention is likely to be resentment against you. Is that what you want the family dynamic to look like?
Good for you and your husband! Brother is lucky to have you in his corner.
BTW, I'm in the same situation with family members unwilling, uninterested and unhelpful toward my husband, who is in memory care. At this point, it really doesn't matter. He doesn't know who they are, and that's fine. I don't need them here criticizing, suggesting things that don't work, staying overnight in my home, needing meals, attention, and explanations as to why husband this or that. I mean, WHY would that be helpful in any way?
I am sorry about your situation. It's hurtful when the people you should be able to rely on don't show up. But perhaps it's a blessing in disguise. (I have also applied this logic to my situation after reading the replies to my post yesterday.) As you pointed out, if they were there perhaps they would not provide the support you need or it would come at an emotional cost. And I don't know about you but I don't have that much energy anymore. Sometimes family just isn't there and people you do not know will show up for you. They are angels in disguise. Thank God for those folks. Hugs to you my friend.
At least he has you and your husband. That just may be enough.
Yes LTC is on his horizon. I am putting it off as long as I can. But I know it's only a matter of time. I check in with hubby every so often to see where he's at with brother being here. We know this isn't and can't be a permanent arrangement. We are making the most of the time we've got.
Thank you so much for sharing your insights. The best advice comes from those who have been through it.
My advice would be to leave things as they are. It's good that your brother is happy and content; I hope that this is how he continues.
I might point out that due to changes that come with age, it's possible your brother wouldn't recognise his siblings now. His answers to your question about contact make it seem that he might, however he could be masking or having a good moment in terms of memory.
I think you could be feeling that this contact is needed because it's what you would want. Who knows what we would want, though, if we were affected by dementia?
If you think it would be nice to have contact, just say straight out that time has flown by and that you miss them and would love some updates, including photos. Perhaps, send some pics and updates yourself, including your brother.
There's no need for blame or bad feelings - it wasn't yours or your siblings' responsibility to care for your brother. It's lovely that you took it on, but that doesn't mean anyone needs to feel guilty. So, just give updates on his health in a matter of fact way.
When I contacted my brother to let him know the GP had suggested Mum be placed on palliative care, and I'd just picked up the prescription for her end of life meds, it was a shock to him. His partner told me it was the first time she had seen him break down in tears, when she rang later to check I was okay. So, I felt guilty that I hadn't updated him sooner on what I understood about her failing health. He felt guilty that I had been dealing with this on my own without his help. All that misplaced guilt - what a waste of emotion and energy!
We used to only see each other once or twice a year, at family gatherings, but we see each other more often now.
Re-read any message before you send it to your siblings, to check your tone. Be open and genuine. And be in the present - don't allow the past to ruin any chances of future communication.
Wishing you and your family the best.
Thank you so much for a well thought out and kind response. I am blessed and so is my brother. We have been given a little window of time and I want to make the most if it. Hugs to you.
If brother doesn't care then you don't need to. I have two brothers and felt like Funkygrandma does, they are adults. We had the same loving Mother who treated all her kids the same. Everything she did she did for her family. One lives 7 hrs away, visited for a weekend once a year. The other 30 min away, hardly saw Mom. I never said anything. They never butted in concerning my care. I did get thanked by both for caring for Mom.
Are you the oldest, I am. I think the oldest kind of feel its up to them to keep the family going. At 75 I don't think like that anymore.
When we were still talking, I tried to convince, and then shame, sister into visiting Mom. No luck. Now i just figure "Good, stay out of the picture."
I hope you and your sister find some common ground in time. Girl it's tough. Family has a way of hurting you like nothing else can. Thank you so much for being straightforward and taking the time to share your thoughts. Hugs to you and mom.
My family was both broken and blended, with difficult characters, siblings growing up in different households, and mental health issues in the mix.
I think that I may be the glue that stops us all from breaking away completely (or I could have too high an opinion of my position). Whatever the reason, when push comes to shove, we are generally there for each other.
But, it's not easy or automatic; it takes a conscious effort.
Life gets busy and before we know it months have passed without reaching out to our loved ones. Maybe having him send cards or make the calls will help nudge them towards reciprocating the effort without a word from you.
It is a blessing that he seems content. He has a very close relationship with God and has much faith. I have faith I will know the right time to put him in LTC.
Again, to you, to all of you, thank you for helping me navigate this very confusing maze called life. Hugs.