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He will surely forget what you tell him anyway. Just arrange it, drop him off and tell him you will see him in a few weeks. He might like having new people around.
Why discuss it with him? It will only upset you both. On the day it’s happening, tell him he’s going to a place to get care while you’re away, being as vague as possible and without discussion or argument. As far as regressing, the sad truth is dementia is all about regression, one loss after another, something firmly out of your control. Make no apology and feel no guilt for looking out for your own health and wellbeing, it’s vital as a caregiver and is the very thing that makes you able to continue in the role. He need not ever hear your need for respite has anything to do with him, just that you’ll be away and will see him again soon. I wish you rest and peace
If he only remembers things for a minute at a time, why go on explaining explaining explaining ad infinitum? Those of us caregiving dementia patients explain far too much, IMO.
They live in the here and now, it's unclear how much they understand, and all the explaining explaining explaining is more to (1) assuage our own guilt and (2) to have something to converse about with them because there's nothing else to say when they no longer do conversation. You could recite The Gettysburg Address to him on respite move-in day and it would mean about as much as, "Honey, I'm so exhausted that I've booked you into the Dementia Hotel so I can rest, get a massage, do my own pedicure without having to get up eleven times to get your water bottle, and I'm going to miss you so much but it's only for (however many) days and when you come home we'll watch old home videos and reminisce about good times in Europe." If you explain explain explain to that degree, you will lose him at the word "pedicure."
Tell him as little as possible. On the day he goes there, tell him you're both going to a place for lunch, go there, have lunch with him, then disappear while he goes to paper-folding class. Have fun on your respite, and enjoy the pedicure!
He will probably have no idea how long you are away.
How long will he be in Respite? I placed my Husband in a facility for Respite. I was gone 3 weeks. I was so worried that he would be so "institutionalized" that i would not be able to bring him home. I got him home, he want to his recliner, sat down just like he had been gone for the day. So he did not decline as I had expected him to. BUT...there is a very good possibility that your LO will decline. Expect that he will and if he doesn't take that as a blessing.
Will he be upset. Probably. He will get used to the routine.
If you have a bit of time before the scheduled Respite ask if you can bring him a few times. Pick like 2 weeks before you leave and bring him for the day Monday, Wednesday, Friday for 5 or 6 hours. He will get used to the people, the routine and the staff will get to know him a bit. That might help him adjust a bit better.
Guilt is inappropriate here. You didn't cause these problems and you can't fix them. Guilt requires causation out of evil intent and a refusal, also out of evil intent, to fix things. That isn't you. Change out your G words. You are more likely feeling grief and overwhelm.
Your husband, of course, will NOT like this. That is beside the point. Life is 50% things we don't like. Your husband may temporarily regress. That is also beside the point. The point here is that in order to continue in-home care you, yourself, being a normal human being, REQUIRE respite.
Have him visit some residents at the facility before he gets placed, and do not feel guilty doing this. Your loved one got ill and is nothing you can control.
To answer your question, you just tell him matter of factly, that he will just be there a few days, food is good, you hear it is fun, you need a rest so you can take care of him better etc etc.. You can even say it is just one night if his lack of memory will support that . It is ok to lie to someone with dementia if it makes it easier for you both. Don't apologize, don't appear upset etc, set the tone of it is not a big deal and don't back down from that Sometimes you can see guilt as the byproduct of being a good and loving person. But try and be that person for yourself. You NEED to take care of yourself.. the statistics on care giver health is frightening. And who would be there for him if you were not able to be because of not taking care of yourself? The person he once was would probably beg you too save yourself.
I'm not sure if this placement if temporary or permanent. I always recommend hiring a private CNA or caregiver to be a helper to you by being your "eyes on him " if that will make you feel better especially If this is a permanent transition to a facility.. This should be someone that has a very good and positive attitude about working with someone with dementia and that he clicks with. And that you like. This additional help can be tweaked and lessened if necessary. Also, I recommend joining a support group for people who have a loved one with dementia. Keep your explanations brief to your loved one and never tell things in advance... Someone with dementia will either forget about it, or they will focus on it so much that it becomes a constant worry. When you deal with someone with dementia it's almost like dealing with a small child... You tell them only what they need to know and what they can bear. Also, If you decide not to put your loved one in a facility, I still would recommend hiring a caregiver for as many hours a week as you can comfortably afford. Someone to perhaps help him shower go to the bathroom and eat a meal. While you get to do the things that you need to do and get to take care of you. Respite is so important, And if you don't get it you end up being resentful towards your husband and you don't want that. Guild is a very powerful emotion and I had it as a daughter of someone with dementia and I had it as a CNA who took care of beloved patients that I watched go from mild dementia to end stage. As I got older and matured I realized that my motto had to be that I had to do the best I could do to make them as happy as I could for the time I was with them. That means sometimes the next person or caregiver or nurse or CNA has to be the one to take over.
Is he on any meds for anxiety/agitation? If not, maybe this is a conversation you have with his primary care physician. It might be helpful to get this in place before he goes there.
My mom was FURIOUS when I finally agreed to let them place her inpatient - it was supposed to be respite as well but she ended up passing there and it was such a relief. The reason they finally insisted on what was supposed to be a week of respite care is the home hospice nurse witnessed my mom emotionally and physically abusing me and finally said enough is enough. She was end stage with her cancer and angry with the world and would physically punch me when I tried to care for her. I had promised I would not put her in hospice and that night was horrible - she screamed and cried and made such a fuss when we got to the inpatient facility (she had to be transported by ambulance and it was an awful ordeal). I did not think I could bear it but slowly I began to realize she was much better off there and just getting to nap on the family bed in her room while they took care of the actual care was a relief. She fought them hard and we had to eventually force the pain meds on her during inpatient stay, but without those meds she would have been in excruciating pain so it was a necessity. Just the relief of not having to do the backbreaking (iykyk!) work of turning her and changing her and changing the bedsheets and cleaning her - it saved me. You have to do it. I know the guilt and anxiety you are feeling. But at this point you have to accept some help - it is SO hard to do this on your own. Give yourself permission to do this. Promises are made when people are in their right minds and when things are terrible but not overwhelmingly so. Family caregivers are not equipped to do the things that sweet hospice nurses who work shifts and then get to go home can do. I know I am rambling but I want to somehow help you give yourself permission to do this - you DESERVE the respite! We are not meant to do this alone. Over a year later I am still suffering the physical issues - debilitating back problems that will probably never go away. PLEASE give yourself this short break. If it turns into a longer break, accept it. Give yourself some grace. Good luck.
First, don't feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself, too.
I don't think it matters what you tell him, or don't, if he won't remember. You can try telling him he's going on a vacation, you found him a nice place to stay. He may find it upsetting when he is in unfamiliar surroundings with unfamiliar faces. That's just part of the disease. You can't let that stop you from getting respite - for you and for him. He may not get the one-on-one attention he gets at home, but he will have professional, skilled attendants around the clock.
I don't think you need to tell him about your need for respite. He likely won't understand or won't care.
And, yes, it is possible he could regress after a stay in a facility. It will be a confusing change to his routine. He will regress, his health will decline, and his mind will become more confused as time goes on anyway, no matter what you do. Again, don't let this be the reason you hesitate to get him professional care while you take a break. He may adapt so well that you decide to make it a permanent arrangement.
Here's the thing. If he has dementia, don't even try explaining that you need a break from him. Tell him the doctor is putting him in there for a few weeks. Tell him what CaringWifeAZ suggests and tell him he's going on a vacation. Tell him that you're having the house renovated and the contractors said everyone has to get out for a couple weeks. Tell him anything because he'll forget it anyway.
You need to take regular breaks from your LO. What happens to him if you drive yourself to your grave by being a careslave 24/7/365? He goes into a facility for the rest of his life and not just for a couple of weeks.
Bring him to the facility. Don't even visit. Will he be angry and scared? Probably, but he'll forget about it. You can call a few times, but really take a break from him.
I am just sharing my experience. After a fall my wife was in a care facility for a month it was the worst experience ever. I will never put a loved one through that again. What I would do is to get a nurse for in home care. For me just a few hours out of the house was enough. My wife was only bed bound for about 7 months. Before she died.
You are fortunate then to be able to afford to hire nurses to do caregiving 24/7 if you need them. Many people, in fact most people cannot afford that. Most people have to put a LO into facility care. You say you'd never put a LO in a facility ever again, but most people say they never would either. If you could not provide the neccesary care in your home for a LO, you would place them. In fact, you did place someone. Your wife.
It doesn't help anybody who is placing a LO in residential care to tell your wife's nursing home horror story. You're like those women who tell their childbirth horror stories at a baby shower. Does the woman expecting her first child really need to hear that because they're not afraid and worried enough?
I remember my mother's finest moment (this is shocking words from me). Years ago we were at a baby shower. The MIL of the expectant mother was telling her birth horror story and some other women joined in. Her DIL who the shower was for was terrified. My mother got up and in front of God and everyone, pointed her finger around to these women and spoke loudly so everyone heard,
'All of you gave birth more than once, myself included. If it was as bad as all that, we'd all have stopped at one'.
Everyone's LO doesn't have a terrible experience in a care facility. Even life in a lousy Medicaid one can be much improved by family doing their part. It will never be perfect though.
Of course he'll be upset - perhaps for a minute. The goal is to keep him calm. It will help you to read about / learn what dementia is and how it affects parts of the brain so you will have more understanding of how to respond.
You tell him what will keep him calm. It is a blessing to you that he only remembers for a minute, even though this is a heartbreaking situation.
You tell him you and him are going to visit a friend. You create his room so it looks as much as his room at home does (his furniture, pictures on the walls, family photos on the dresser).
You smile - focus on non-verbal communications as much as possible.
Study with Teepa Snow so you will understand what is happening to his brain and how best for you to respond.
See a therapist to deal with your guilt as it is misguided (as guilt is by definition). There are reasons why you feel guilt and a therapist can help you through it.
The healthy response(s) to yourself: * know that he will get the best care he can in a facility, which you cannot offer. * Look beneath the guilt feelings - what is running you? Write your feelings in a journal. The way through is by being present with how you feel - then it transforms / shifts / changes. Do you be afraid of how you feel. Invite all your feelings in - be open to processing through them.
Although you say a 'respite' so perhaps you are talking about a short term facility stay - ?
Guilt is a nasty one and certainly not easy to get through. We all do the best we can.
It is okay that you are exhausted, need a break, can't manage this intense responsibility that never ends. Do not expect yourself to run on empty - which is where you may feel you are at now, which is why he's going to a facility.
You tell yourself "I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN IN THIS MOMENT."
Then you do something nice for yourself (take yourself out to dinner, take a bath, buy yourself flowers, have a drink with a friend - whatever nurtures you).
No one can run on empty. We all have regrets and the 'why didn't I's' or the 'why did I's" - it is easy to think like this after the fact. This is why FORGIVENESS (self and others) is so important / essential to being healthy (mentally and physically).
In my experience, it is the foundation of moving through stuck feelings / behavioral patterns.
We do the best we can in the moment. That is all any one of us can ask of our selves.
Find supportive friends. Get a therapist. Watch Teepa Snows You Tubes or her website. Get her (or others') books.
Find moments of joy when you can. Don't take them for granted. Cry as you need to. Honor all your feelings.
A person can't live their life only in service to a person with dementia. Their entire existence 24/7/365 can't be devoted to keeping that person calm. It's not sustainable. In fact, it's not even possible.
I have seen too many good people, many who had help coming in die of caregiving. This is a thing. Even when they have respite they're still micromanaging everything. So they neglect their own health and a heart attack happens. Or they get sick. Or more sinister things happen like elder abuse or the caregiver gets driven to an act of desperation themselves.
It's not about keeping the person with dementia happy and calm. If the caregiver dies, the demented person usually goes into a care facility permanently because other family is not going to take it on. Now they're in a strange place and they never see the person who took care of them day in and day out ever again.
Caregivers need a break. Sure, the person getting placed will probably get scared and hysterical. Let them. Place them anyway. They can be given medication to calm them down.
That’s a tough one. I had a similar situation. My husbands memory is similar and after 18 months of dealing with his increasing weakness and mental issues, I was at the end of any energy to deal with him and my own terminal dx. I had to tell him several times over a period of weeks that I needed a break, to rest, take care of myself, get the house cleaned and refresh mentally. Eventually he agreed but over the next few weeks I prayed he wouldn’t back out at the last minute. He kept complaining I was “putting him in a dormitory” so I went to the facility (he had spent 8 weeks there over the past year for rehab after hospital stays for hydrocephalus and again after pneumonia) and asked if they could possibly put him in a single room even though VA only pays for double occupancy and they agreed!! I packed his clothes, toiletries and snack bags of his favorite snacks for each of the 5 days he would be there. The day came and when we walked in he was greeted by several LVN’s, CNA’s that recognized him from previous stays and when he was settled in bed I unpacked and discussed where everything was going and was hugging him goodbye when he said “I like it here”. I’m sure his response was due to the reception he received because he told me he did not cognitively remember his previous stays at the facility. Each patient is different and yours might be overwhelmed with such an entrance but I’m suggesting you visit the facility and discuss your husbands demeanor and ask for the welcome he would best respond to and be comfortable with. Might bring a few familiar things like a throw he’s accustomed to, a cup or pillow when you do admit him. Now I didn’t call or visit the 5 days and nights he was there because this time was for me and I needed no other responsibility. I got the house cleaned, carpet and upholstery cleaned, clutter cleared away, a pedicure (!) and started cleaning a few closets for donation to AmVet. I had lunch with an old friend, and just generally did things I wanted and needed to do uninterrupted and rested when I felt like it. It was all immensely refreshing and I was ready to have him home again when I picked him up. From things he has mentioned over the past few weeks, I’ll take his wheelchair next time so he can get out of bed with assistance and sit up from time to time. And he mentioned visits in the wee hours that disturbed him so I may suggest they just peek in on him and not ask him anything until 6 am, his usual rising time. They were giving him meds at odd hours also. I’m already looking forward to December 2 when he goes for another 5 days because my daughters are coming for a few days to visit and I’m so excited! I’ll have the house cleaner come again and what a blessing she is. He can’t tolerate people in the house for long so I do what I can but things get funky after a month or so. You really have to put yourself first from time to time. His health depends on your health so respite is just part of healthcare for you both.
That’s a tough one. I had a similar situation. My husbands memory is similar and after 18 months of dealing with his increasing weakness and mental issues, I was at the end of any energy to deal with him and my own terminal dx. I had to tell him several times over a period of weeks that I needed a break, to rest, take care of myself, get the house cleaned and refresh mentally. Eventually he agreed but over the next few weeks I prayed he wouldn’t back out at the last minute. He kept complaining I was “putting him in a dormitory” so I went to the facility (he had spent 8 weeks there over the past year for rehab after hospital stays for hydrocephalus and again after pneumonia) and asked if they could possibly put him in a single room even though VA only pays for double occupancy and they agreed!! I packed his clothes, toiletries and snack bags of his favorite snacks for each of the 5 days he would be there. The day came and when we walked in he was greeted by several LVN’s, CNA’s that recognized him from previous stays and when he was settled in bed I unpacked and discussed where everything was going and was hugging him goodbye when he said “I like it here”. I’m sure his response was due to the reception he received because he told me he did not cognitively remember his previous stays at the facility. Each patient is different and yours might be overwhelmed with such an entrance but I’m suggesting you visit the facility and discuss your husbands demeanor and ask for the welcome he would best respond to and be comfortable with. Might bring a few familiar things like a throw he’s accustomed to, a cup or pillow when you do admit him. Now I didn’t call or visit the 5 days and nights he was there because this time was for me and I needed no other responsibility. I got the house cleaned, carpet and upholstery cleaned, clutter cleared away, a pedicure (!) and started cleaning a few closets for donation to AmVet. I had lunch with an old friend, and just generally did things I wanted and needed to do uninterrupted and rested when I felt like it. It was all immensely refreshing and I was ready to have him home again when I picked him up. From things he has mentioned over the past few weeks, I’ll take his wheelchair next time so he can get out of bed with assistance and sit up from time to time. And he mentioned visits in the wee hours that disturbed him so I may suggest they just peek in on him and not ask him anything until 6 am, his usual rising time. They were giving him meds at odd hours also. I’m already looking forward to December 2 when he goes for another 5 days because my daughters are coming for a few days to visit and I’m so excited! I’ll have the house cleaner come again and what a blessing she is. He can’t tolerate people in the house for long so I do what I can but things get funky after a month or so. You really have to put yourself first from time to time. His health depends on your health so respite is just part of healthcare for you both.
As some point most of us have to decide that our lives as caregivers are just as important if not more than our LOs. Sad thing about my husband as there is really nothing more they can do and Parkinsonism will destroy him even more. I was driving him few weeks ago for respite stay at very average facility. He was staying before at private ones. We live in Canada and every sick person is entitled to help from Homecare, which is govt subsidies agency. One of the things they do very well is to protect caregivers. i get daily respite and that includes twice a week evenings so I can go out. And 28 days of respite in facility at $60.00 per night vs $300 in private. Long story short as we came to facility I noticed it was not the best one and hubby noticed as well, I knew he was not happy about staying there. Shared room as opposed to comfortable large studio in private one. Few ladies came to help him and I just said “you have all those wonderful ladies taking care of you so I am leaving.” On the way back I had a little doubt but quickly redirected myself, No, I needed this. I am not guilty of anything. It is what it is. I need 2 weeks on my own. I already booked another 2 weeks for January so I can take a trip. More and more I am needing to get back to normal life.
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They live in the here and now, it's unclear how much they understand, and all the explaining explaining explaining is more to (1) assuage our own guilt and (2) to have something to converse about with them because there's nothing else to say when they no longer do conversation. You could recite The Gettysburg Address to him on respite move-in day and it would mean about as much as, "Honey, I'm so exhausted that I've booked you into the Dementia Hotel so I can rest, get a massage, do my own pedicure without having to get up eleven times to get your water bottle, and I'm going to miss you so much but it's only for (however many) days and when you come home we'll watch old home videos and reminisce about good times in Europe." If you explain explain explain to that degree, you will lose him at the word "pedicure."
Tell him as little as possible. On the day he goes there, tell him you're both going to a place for lunch, go there, have lunch with him, then disappear while he goes to paper-folding class. Have fun on your respite, and enjoy the pedicure!
He will probably have no idea how long you are away.
I placed my Husband in a facility for Respite. I was gone 3 weeks. I was so worried that he would be so "institutionalized" that i would not be able to bring him home.
I got him home, he want to his recliner, sat down just like he had been gone for the day.
So he did not decline as I had expected him to.
BUT...there is a very good possibility that your LO will decline.
Expect that he will and if he doesn't take that as a blessing.
Will he be upset. Probably.
He will get used to the routine.
If you have a bit of time before the scheduled Respite ask if you can bring him a few times. Pick like 2 weeks before you leave and bring him for the day Monday, Wednesday, Friday for 5 or 6 hours. He will get used to the people, the routine and the staff will get to know him a bit. That might help him adjust a bit better.
Your husband, of course, will NOT like this. That is beside the point. Life is 50% things we don't like.
Your husband may temporarily regress. That is also beside the point.
The point here is that in order to continue in-home care you, yourself, being a normal human being, REQUIRE respite.
Sometimes you can see guilt as the byproduct of being a good and loving person. But try and be that person for yourself. You NEED to take care of yourself.. the statistics on care giver health is frightening. And who would be there for him if you were not able to be because of not taking care of yourself?
The person he once was would probably beg you too save yourself.
You need to take care of yourself, too.
I don't think it matters what you tell him, or don't, if he won't remember. You can try telling him he's going on a vacation, you found him a nice place to stay. He may find it upsetting when he is in unfamiliar surroundings with unfamiliar faces. That's just part of the disease. You can't let that stop you from getting respite - for you and for him. He may not get the one-on-one attention he gets at home, but he will have professional, skilled attendants around the clock.
I don't think you need to tell him about your need for respite. He likely won't understand or won't care.
And, yes, it is possible he could regress after a stay in a facility. It will be a confusing change to his routine. He will regress, his health will decline, and his mind will become more confused as time goes on anyway, no matter what you do. Again, don't let this be the reason you hesitate to get him professional care while you take a break. He may adapt so well that you decide to make it a permanent arrangement.
You need to take regular breaks from your LO. What happens to him if you drive yourself to your grave by being a careslave 24/7/365? He goes into a facility for the rest of his life and not just for a couple of weeks.
Bring him to the facility. Don't even visit. Will he be angry and scared? Probably, but he'll forget about it. You can call a few times, but really take a break from him.
You are fortunate then to be able to afford to hire nurses to do caregiving 24/7 if you need them. Many people, in fact most people cannot afford that. Most people have to put a LO into facility care. You say you'd never put a LO in a facility ever again, but most people say they never would either. If you could not provide the neccesary care in your home for a LO, you would place them. In fact, you did place someone. Your wife.
It doesn't help anybody who is placing a LO in residential care to tell your wife's nursing home horror story. You're like those women who tell their childbirth horror stories at a baby shower. Does the woman expecting her first child really need to hear that because they're not afraid and worried enough?
I remember my mother's finest moment (this is shocking words from me). Years ago we were at a baby shower. The MIL of the expectant mother was telling her birth horror story and some other women joined in. Her DIL who the shower was for was terrified. My mother got up and in front of God and everyone, pointed her finger around to these women and spoke loudly so everyone heard,
'All of you gave birth more than once, myself included. If it was as bad as all that, we'd all have stopped at one'.
Everyone's LO doesn't have a terrible experience in a care facility. Even life in a lousy Medicaid one can be much improved by family doing their part. It will never be perfect though.
The goal is to keep him calm.
It will help you to read about / learn what dementia is and how it affects parts of the brain so you will have more understanding of how to respond.
You tell him what will keep him calm.
It is a blessing to you that he only remembers for a minute, even though this is a heartbreaking situation.
You tell him you and him are going to visit a friend.
You create his room so it looks as much as his room at home does (his furniture, pictures on the walls, family photos on the dresser).
You smile - focus on non-verbal communications as much as possible.
Study with Teepa Snow so you will understand what is happening to his brain and how best for you to respond.
See a therapist to deal with your guilt as it is misguided (as guilt is by definition). There are reasons why you feel guilt and a therapist can help you through it.
The healthy response(s) to yourself:
* know that he will get the best care he can in a facility, which you cannot offer.
* Look beneath the guilt feelings - what is running you? Write your feelings in a journal. The way through is by being present with how you feel - then it transforms / shifts / changes. Do you be afraid of how you feel. Invite all your feelings in - be open to processing through them.
Although you say a 'respite' so perhaps you are talking about a short term facility stay - ?
Guilt is a nasty one and certainly not easy to get through.
We all do the best we can.
It is okay that you are exhausted, need a break, can't manage this intense responsibility that never ends. Do not expect yourself to run on empty - which is where you may feel you are at now, which is why he's going to a facility.
You tell yourself "I AM DOING THE BEST I CAN IN THIS MOMENT."
Then you do something nice for yourself (take yourself out to dinner, take a bath, buy yourself flowers, have a drink with a friend - whatever nurtures you).
No one can run on empty.
We all have regrets and the 'why didn't I's' or the 'why did I's" - it is easy to think like this after the fact. This is why FORGIVENESS (self and others) is so important / essential to being healthy (mentally and physically).
In my experience, it is the foundation of moving through stuck feelings / behavioral patterns.
We do the best we can in the moment.
That is all any one of us can ask of our selves.
Find supportive friends.
Get a therapist.
Watch Teepa Snows You Tubes or her website.
Get her (or others') books.
Find moments of joy when you can.
Don't take them for granted.
Cry as you need to.
Honor all your feelings.
Gena / Touch Matters
A person can't live their life only in service to a person with dementia. Their entire existence 24/7/365 can't be devoted to keeping that person calm. It's not sustainable. In fact, it's not even possible.
I have seen too many good people, many who had help coming in die of caregiving. This is a thing. Even when they have respite they're still micromanaging everything. So they neglect their own health and a heart attack happens. Or they get sick. Or more sinister things happen like elder abuse or the caregiver gets driven to an act of desperation themselves.
It's not about keeping the person with dementia happy and calm. If the caregiver dies, the demented person usually goes into a care facility permanently because other family is not going to take it on. Now they're in a strange place and they never see the person who took care of them day in and day out ever again.
Caregivers need a break. Sure, the person getting placed will probably get scared and hysterical. Let them. Place them anyway. They can be given medication to calm them down.
in a single room even though VA only pays for double occupancy and they agreed!! I packed his clothes, toiletries and snack bags of his favorite snacks for each of the 5 days he would be there. The day came and when we walked in he was greeted by several LVN’s, CNA’s that recognized him from
previous stays and when he was settled in bed I unpacked and discussed where everything was going and was hugging him goodbye when he said “I like it here”.
I’m sure his response was due to the reception he received because he told me he did not cognitively remember his previous stays at the facility.
Each patient is different and yours might be overwhelmed with such an entrance but I’m suggesting you visit the facility and discuss your husbands demeanor and ask for the welcome he would best respond to and be comfortable with. Might bring a few familiar things like a throw he’s accustomed to, a cup or pillow when you do admit him. Now I didn’t call or visit the 5 days and nights he was there because this time was for me and I needed no other responsibility. I got the house cleaned, carpet and upholstery cleaned, clutter cleared away, a pedicure (!) and started cleaning a few closets for donation to AmVet. I had lunch with an old friend, and just generally did things I wanted and needed to do uninterrupted and rested when I felt like it. It was all immensely refreshing and I was ready to have him home again when I picked him up.
From things he has mentioned over the past few weeks, I’ll take his wheelchair next time so he can get out of bed with assistance and sit up from time to time. And he mentioned visits in the wee hours that disturbed him so I may suggest they just peek in on him and not ask him anything until 6 am, his usual rising time. They were giving him meds at odd hours also.
I’m already looking forward to December 2 when he goes for another 5 days because my daughters are coming for a few days to visit and I’m so excited! I’ll have the house cleaner come again and what a blessing she is. He can’t tolerate people in the house for long so I do what I can but things get funky after a month or so.
You really have to put yourself first from time to time. His health depends on your health so respite is just part of healthcare for you both.
in a single room even though VA only pays for double occupancy and they agreed!! I packed his clothes, toiletries and snack bags of his favorite snacks for each of the 5 days he would be there. The day came and when we walked in he was greeted by several LVN’s, CNA’s that recognized him from
previous stays and when he was settled in bed I unpacked and discussed where everything was going and was hugging him goodbye when he said “I like it here”.
I’m sure his response was due to the reception he received because he told me he did not cognitively remember his previous stays at the facility.
Each patient is different and yours might be overwhelmed with such an entrance but I’m suggesting you visit the facility and discuss your husbands demeanor and ask for the welcome he would best respond to and be comfortable with. Might bring a few familiar things like a throw he’s accustomed to, a cup or pillow when you do admit him. Now I didn’t call or visit the 5 days and nights he was there because this time was for me and I needed no other responsibility. I got the house cleaned, carpet and upholstery cleaned, clutter cleared away, a pedicure (!) and started cleaning a few closets for donation to AmVet. I had lunch with an old friend, and just generally did things I wanted and needed to do uninterrupted and rested when I felt like it. It was all immensely refreshing and I was ready to have him home again when I picked him up.
From things he has mentioned over the past few weeks, I’ll take his wheelchair next time so he can get out of bed with assistance and sit up from time to time. And he mentioned visits in the wee hours that disturbed him so I may suggest they just peek in on him and not ask him anything until 6 am, his usual rising time. They were giving him meds at odd hours also.
I’m already looking forward to December 2 when he goes for another 5 days because my daughters are coming for a few days to visit and I’m so excited! I’ll have the house cleaner come again and what a blessing she is. He can’t tolerate people in the house for long so I do what I can but things get funky after a month or so.
You really have to put yourself first from time to time. His health depends on your health so respite is just part of healthcare for you both.
Sad thing about my husband as there is really nothing more they can do and Parkinsonism will destroy him even more.
I was driving him few weeks ago for respite stay at very average facility.
He was staying before at private ones. We live in Canada and every sick person is entitled to help from Homecare, which is govt subsidies agency.
One of the things they do very well is to protect caregivers.
i get daily respite and that includes twice a week evenings so I can go out.
And 28 days of respite in facility at $60.00 per night vs $300 in private.
Long story short as we came to facility I noticed it was not the best one and hubby noticed as well, I knew he was not happy about staying there. Shared room as opposed to comfortable large studio in private one.
Few ladies came to help him and I just said “you have all those wonderful ladies taking care of you so I am leaving.”
On the way back I had a little doubt but quickly redirected myself, No, I needed this. I am not guilty of anything. It is what it is. I need 2 weeks on my own.
I already booked another 2 weeks for January so I can take a trip.
More and more I am needing to get back to normal life.