My MIL went into AL in March 2021 reluctantly. She was living in a hoarder house, and suffering from hallucinations, delusions and mental illness as well as the beginnings of dementia. My FIL passed 8 months previously and a cousin would bring groceries. She thought her house was haunted. She wanted to move in with us, but she has a teacup Yorkie that is not house trained. Her house smelled horrible. We had a dog that was aggressive and didn’t want her dog in our nice home nor my MIL who fights at the drop of a hat.
She wanted to live with us, but she abused DH verbally for about 15 years prior to his father’s death and had told her years earlier that she would never live with him.
Grace took the dog with her to AL, where it continues to pee and poop in her one room apartment. Initially, she was good about cleaning up. Her mental condition deteriorated and we were unable to take her to the neurologist because she would have insisted on taking the dog with her. She is afraid of losing the dog.
Grace no longer allows people to enter her apartment regularly to clean and assist her and the AL wants dog walkers to come or the dog removed. It is obvious that she isn’t able to care for the dog anymore.
Grace is aggressive and will attack people. The dog will bark excessively, but is generally harmless. Having dog walkers come in isn’t practical in this case. Either Grace & the dog are out or the dog goes.
DH would like to take the Yorkie to a no kill shelter and is waiting to hear back before retrieving the dog.
The issue is how to retrieve the dog from the room without causing his mother to attack him. Her rage would make her very strong, even at almost 90. The AL will provide someone to distract Grace while DH retrieves the dog.
The dog should never have gone into ALF with Grace. So , yes, however the dog is removed it should be removed and placed in a shelter. Then it should be explained to Grace that she is unable to care for the dog, and it has gone to another home. I am sorry. This is a lot of grief, but then life is nothing BUT grief when dealing with hoarding.
I am afraid that memory care of nursing home, likely with medication, is the next step you will have to prepare yourselves for.
This is all a terrible tragedy, and I am so very sorry.
She has been receiving care from doctors who come in and her room is filthy and smells horrendously.
Husband doesn’t want to help at all. He was so happy to get her into AL and leave her. Grace thought it would temporary. The AL told us to lie to her as well. We can’t take now as our home is being remodeled. The space she would have occupied, is not acceptable for an 89 year old, who has all these mental problems and a dog that pees and poops everywhere inside. She needs services we can not provide her.
She was told the dog was a primary reason she couldn’t live with us, but another is that she refuses to go back to the doctor and fights everyone. She has a lot of medical and psychiatric problems, mostly the focus on the dog and that she is afraid someone is going to break in and attack her. (Part of her delusions and hallucinations). She used to call 911 every day.
I reminded him that he does have a responsibility to her and that he should help to remove the dog. He doesn’t want to be physically attacked.
I told him to tell her that her neighbors are complaining (true) and her apartment needs deep cleaning. The dog needs to go to the groomer and the vet for a checkup afterwards, but she needs to stay to make sure her apartment is ok. While he is talking with her, or while the staff is talking with her the dog is whisked out of the apartment.
After this occurs, I told him that she needs to move to the locked memory care section on the second floor so she doesn’t leave looking for the dog. He will need to reach out to them on Monday. This is another reason he needs to be there.
We’ll find out more tomorrow.
Since then her one remaining sister died, and Grace probably realizes at this point that she isn’t leaving. I just hope that she can find a little peace and not be so angry when the dog is gone.
Put it in a crate, Kate!
Give it to a friend, Lynn!
Maybe euthanize, Lize…
…seriously, I’d be more concerned for the little Yorkie (though I am no fan of that little rat-sized breed) than for the crazy old lady. Get it rehomed, and let her scream until she wears herself out. Sheesh.
Talk to Grace's doctor about medication for the anger, anxiety.
2. The dog needs to go in for Rabies, Parvo, Distemper and whatever else will get the dog to the Vet.
3. Tell Grace you will get the dog groomed as well. (this will take several hours and you will bring the dog back when it is done.)
Now use any of these....
*The dog had a reaction to one of the vaccines and needs to stay overnight at the Vet.
*The groomer found that the dog has fleas and the flea dip will take longer.
Medicating Grace will help because she will become more agitated when the dog does not return.
With the dog gone a good cleaning of her apartment ... and think about a move from AL to MC.
Dog needs to see the vet for (fill in the blank). Have vet precsribe something to calm the dog and MIL's dr something to calm HER.
Remove dog and hand over to new owners.
Stall out MIL as long as possible. During that time, perhaps look into some much more aggressive care for HER. ANd definitely get the apartment clean--hire it done if you can. Your MIL will fight you tooth and nail on this, but it's past the point of being a 'small nuisance'. Don't her neighbors complain about a yappy dog?
Good Luck!
I told my husband is very reluctant and resistant in dealing with her.
I asked him to talk with the ALF about moving Grace directly to memory care after the dog is removed. This discussion should occur before the dog is removed. My fear is that she will make a big scene and one way to distract her is to move her to memory care while the dog is being removed. She would then not be able to pursue the dog as she would be locked in that section. I can think of a # of excuses to move her there. She rarely leaves her room as it is.
I want him to ask about providing more assistance with her neurological issues once she is transferred to MC. Grace is strong enough when angry to hurt someone. It is inappropriate to respond back at her age with the same force. My husband is 68 and I am 61. We have no desire to be on the receiving end of her physical attacks, as are the rest of the employees of the ALF/memory care area.
Since Grace is self-pay, I think they would be more than happy to move her.
It does not make any sense to me to leave a delusional, paranoid, physically out of control patient with meds to even out her mood or tame the psychic demons who are tormenting her.
If your husband wants to wash his hands of her, then maybe Long-term care is the answer. She will be totally taken care of. There is a doctor affiliated with the home. Round the clock Nurses. She gets her meals, her toiletries, laundry done, socialization, depends, and care. You may only need to supply clothing. When her money runs out, there is Medicaid. You just visit.
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