My LO has suffered with chronic leukemia and small cell lymphoma for the past 7 years and now has morphed into a more aggressive cancer called Richter’s Transformation which has a very poor prognosis. He has gone through 3 immunotherapy clinical trials and two chemotherapy treatments all which have run their course and then failed or started to effect other organs. My LO refused the offer of a fourth clinical trial which would have put him in the hospital 3-4 days each week for the next 5 cycles (months) because of other conditions such as CHF, kidney stage 3, AFib, edema and diabetes which had to be monitored while on these drugs. He has chosen to have more of a quality of his years rather than quantity of years. I agree with him. However, now I find myself so sad wondering what will happen to me when he passes. I went food shopping today and realized that everything I brought was for myself because he no longer has an appetite for anything he use to like. He eats sparsely, and has a diabetic supplement once in a while. This realization really hit me really hard that he will soon pass and not be physically present. I will be 70 years old in November but I am a young 70 who could pass for someone in their 50s. I worried that I will not know how to navigate being single again. My child are in their 40s and 50s and have their own lives with their careers and children. I don’t want to be a drag on their lifestyle. I’m scared and worried that I will be at a lost on how to live again. This is a second marriage for both of us. We have had a fantastic marriage and will be married 26 years in October 7. We have been together for a total of 35 years. For clarification, I have never been by myself because In my first marriage I married young straight from my parents house at age 18 then divorced after 11 years of marriage and moved back into my parents home with my kids. Then I met and married my current husband (LO). So I have never lived alone and by myself. I’m a little scared. Any suggestions?
My husband died Sept. 14th 2020, and I too am a young 62 year old. It was very hard at first, as I was his caregiver for so many years, that I found myself wandering around the house for the first several months wondering what it was that I was supposed to be doing. Eventually I started to go and do more things, and it wasn't until perhaps this past July, that I finally felt like I could now move forward in my life. I had to remind myself that I wasn't the one who died, and that I still had a lot of living to do, and that is what I am now doing.
And because this is truly the first time that I have lived on my own, I am finding that I really enjoy it, as I can do what I want, if I want and when I want, and you just can't beat that.
It will be hard for you at first, but please allow yourself proper time to grieve, and to adjust to your "new normal." You will know when it's time to start getting back out there and enjoying your life, and it will more than likely start with some very small baby steps. Just make sure that you're brave enough to take those steps as they will lead to even bigger steps and before you know it, you will have found your joy again.
But for now, enjoy whatever time you have left with your husband, and make sure that you leave nothing left unsaid. And also make sure that you are taking time away for yourself as well, as you are just as important as he is.
My heart goes out to you, as I know all too well what you are going through. There is nothing easy about it, but I hope that you are leaning on your heavenly Father, as He will never leave you nor forsake you. And that my friend, you can take to the bank.
May God grant you His strength and peace in the days, weeks and months ahead.
You and he have had this hanging over your heads for years. I bet you were scared 7 years ago with the diagnosis.
You are going to have moments like the one you had in the store and sometimes it will pass other times it will be like a bolt of lightning struck you. All I can say is it is normal all the feelings that you are having.
Start now looking for something to do, volunteer for a few hours a week. It will get you out for a bit. Talking to people does wonders. When my Husband was on Hospice I started Volunteering for the Hospice 1 day a week. I had caregivers so at least 1 of those days was my Volunteer day. It was amazing what having something to do changed my day. There were days a month I had my Support Groups (I belonged to 2) they were incredibly helpful in keeping me sane. (although my sanity I sometimes question 😉)
If you do not have a Support Group please find one.
Hospice does have Volunteers that will come and visit with your husband if you need someone to stay with him.
All I can add is talk to each other. Tell him how you feel. I am sure he is just as frightened as you are.
Talk to Hospice Social Worker and Chaplain. They are there to help you both.
YOU are much stronger than you think you are.
The two Grandma's have given you wonderful advice because they've both walked the path you're on now. I think volunteering is an excellent way to put yourself back out there & involving yourself with others; doing that makes you feel a bit less alone in life, you know? Reaching out to support groups such as this one and in-person meetings also helps. I think it takes time to find one's center again after suffering a profound loss, and the timeframe differs for each of us. I have 2 children myself and while both of them have lives of their own, I know for a fact that they're here for me when I need them, as I'm sure your children are too. While we don't want to be a 'drag on their lifestyles', we also shouldn't feel like we can't reach out to our own children and family members in our time of need. My daughter is a cardiac RN and let me tell you something; she has been a lifesaver for DH and I during his various heart surgeries this past year. She's been a rock for BOTH of us and didn't make us feel like we were a burden to her. That's what love does: it nurtures and supports and helps out when necessary. Don't write your kids off as a source of emotional support to you in your time of need: you're not moving in with them or asking them to change your Depends, after all!
Remember, we women are stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. We can live alone when the time comes, too, and make that situation work just as we've made other difficult situations work over the years. We're caring for ill husbands day in and day out, we gave birth to and raised children, held down jobs while taking care of homes and husbands, served as chief cooks & bottle-washers to families who were sick with measles while the dog had diarrhea and the husband was stranded in the snow with a flat tire. We can do this, too, my friend. One day at a time and with God's help.
Wishing you all the best of luck and Godspeed moving forward and sending you a hug & a prayer, too
It is scary and overwhelming, and at the same time, you are suffering a profound loss (even if he has not yet passed, you are grieving how your life used to be and won’t be again). Validate your own feelings. It’s honorable that you don’t want to burden your children, but as a child going through this, I don’t mind helping. You’ll find your way. I pray that your husband isn’t in pain.
HUGS.
After your husband dies, ask for help where needed like at your bank, brokerage, insurance, home and motor vehicle titles etc. Let people who know how to do it help with legal matters and paperwork. Take tasks one at a time. There is no need to rush.
There is also no need to rush your more personal decisions. You will have a few months where your world is something of a blur and you cannot concentrate and you have no patience with ordinary inconveniences. Focus on one thing at a time. Celebrate accomplishments even simple ones like "I put on my shoes!" "I combed my hair."
When you are ready to talk to people, look for a bereavement support group where people can share their experiences and listen to each other. It is very reassuring to learn you are probably not crazy after all.
Consider your own interests and what you like to spend your time doing and find ways to participate in these activities. Community activities? Theater? Travel? Volunteering?
Choose activities you enjoy. You can do any activity you want to by yourself.. Do not wait for or rely on anyone else to go with you. Just go.
Do not beat yourself up if it takes a while to adjust to your new reality. Do not despair when you have "bad days" after a period of less sadness. It is all part of the "journey."
For now, take the best care you can of your husband. He is making the right choice to not pursue every last medical experiment some doctor might suggest. What for? To prolong life at all costs while waiting for "the next thing" to come along? Make the best use you both can of the time he has left. Remind yourself that "this is what we are doing right now."
Take care of each other.
as a nurse, sometimes all I could tell families was that they would get through this (everyone does), and to try for now to be close and connected and support each other.
and to tell their loved one all that they wanted or needed to say - or ask - now.
support groups via hospice are usually very good...and free.
it helps to be with others who are experiencing a similar loss...
though each of us experiences it differently.
Meanwhile, it would be helpful to focus on the present time you have with your spouse. Make sure his will is up to date as well as financials and other legal affairs. If your spouse normally handles some tasks, it is time to talk with him about taking those over or finding another person to do so. It may seem morbid, but some people find peace in planning their celebration of life - music, speakers, pictures, meal... whatever allows folks to mingle and remember. When those tasks are accomplished, then enjoy time together.