My fiance's brother has short-term memory loss and is completely incapable of doing certain things on his own or even with help. I know his brain works very differently than it would if he hadn't had a stroke/coma when he was younger, but most days I find it extremely difficult to deal with. It seems to be getting worse as well because he normally can remember where his bedroom is, where the bathroom is, etc., but last night he came into our bedroom and turned on the light. Then, this morning, he forgot where the bathroom was when he was standing right beside it. We had been trying to focus more on treating him as an adult and teaching him things like cooking and paying for some of his own personal items, but I'm starting to think we should just treat him as a child, since that's where his mind is the majority of the time. He's fully capable of working, having a relationship, etc. but seems to be incapable of basic skills. If/when he lives with us full-time, I'll be looking into some programs that will help him on a daily basis, but I'm starting to lose hope that he'll have any normalcy at all. Of course, I know we won't since we'll be taking care of him, but that's another saga for another day. So, are there any tips for balancing having a grown adult who acts like a child?
Look again at what you’ve written. ‘He basically used to leave him with me and I did everything’. 'Now he ‘gives me a breather once in a while’. ‘He believes that his brother is the best beneficiary for his life insurance’. Finally ‘I honestly don't think it should be my responsibility to make any of those decisions and that's why I've left most things to him’.
None of this is your responsibility. If you go into it and your fiance doesn’t change, you are signing on for a life time of caring for this 36 year old brother in law. You will end up doing most of the work – your fiance may well ‘leave most things to YOU’. If you have a child, there will be safety issues. Your finances (particularly if you are widowed) will not be OK. Unless you both change a lot in future, you will NEVER be able to ‘make any of those decisions’.
Perhaps the best option is for each of you to go to a therapist or marriage guidance counselor. You need to work out what YOU want. Your fiance needs to work out what he will ‘allow’. If you can’t agree, make it an ultimatum. If that doesn’t help, LEAVE. The future does not look bright!
You can do better.
Is where he works ARC (Association of Disabilities Center). My nephew too is picked up and dropped off. They are called workshops and the employees, consumers. The jobs they are given are picked by the persons abilities. They are usually repetitious so it is like conditioning the person. They are overseen. If where he works is like I described, then this man would not be able to handle a job anywhere else.
I would suggest that you and your BF go and see where he works. There should be a SW affilated with the facility. She/he can help you maneuver what is out there for him. Your County should have a Disabilities Dept. If he can understand what having a POA means, then get it done and make it immediate at least for the financial. Otherwise its gaurdianship. And you will need one of these to help him as his representative. POA government facilities like Social Security do not recognize but I think guardianship they may.
Like your BIL to be, my Nephew was in a relationship with an older woman. I allowed him to keep the small paycheck he received from the Arc as spending money. She was able to get money out of him when I said no. When she found out the bulk of his money was in irrevokable trust, that he could not get to, she started backing away. But she still kept her claws in but thats a whole other story. TG she moved half way across country.
I will assume your BIL to be is on Social Security Disability with Medicare and Medicaid. My nephew is able to live alone and is just up the street from me. His disabilities are more physical but he does also have a neurological problem that may cause Dementia down the line. He is 31 with the maturity of a 20 yr old.
You may want to take your BIL to be to a Neurologist if you haven't. Because of the stroke and his other health problem, he may be in the beginning stages of Dementia. Maybe having small strokes or silent seizures. A Neurologist can run a series of tests to determine what is going on. Then you will know how to handle things. The doctor can also determine his maturity. He may be 36 with a mind of a 12 year old.
If he does ever live with us full-time, I'll be having my fiance get a POA for him. I'm also thinking about getting one for him in case anything happens to my fiance. Unfortunately, he believes that his brother is the best beneficiary for his life insurance even though he won't be able to actually go through the process of getting it. If I have a POA for his brother, from what I understand, I'd be able to do that on his behalf (paperwork and things necessary to get the life insurance).
He does get SS benefits and does have both Medicare and Medicaid. That's a blessing for sure since he has brain surgery fairly often. He had to have surgery last year and I believe they said it was under $100 total for out of pocket.
I think with my future BIL, it's some physical but mainly mental. He's stuck at about 8-10 years old with most things and can't process more than 1 task at a time. But he also has stability issues when walking and one of his eyes is off to the side sometimes, so his depth perception is off as well.
I believe his doctor is a Neurologist. Sometimes it seems his memory is fine and sometimes it's way off. He also has an issue with making up stories/memories which I've learned is actually part of his brain injury/memory loss. He sees his doctor in January, so maybe they should do an EEG. My fiance just started kind of taking over the medical care for him, so at least he can tell the doctor what's been going on.
I've just come to accept recently that he can't live by himself. There have been too many instances of him doing harmful things (like putting clothing in the oven to dry them) and he gets confused very easily.
Of course I understand that this doesn't make the frustration - nor the tedium of it - any less. It's likely that at least three times a day I will be smiling on the outside (under my mask) and internally howling "forcryingoutloud! Just decide if you want cheese or ham in your sandwich for eff's sake!!!" but hey that's the job. You keep smiling and you keep reminding yourself that patience is a virtue (which in my case I eventually hope to develop through all this incredibly hard work).
I think you've posted before about your concerns with supporting your future BIL, haven't you? Speaking of programs, I heartily endorse your idea of living skills for BIL, but how about family or caregiver support groups, forums or similar for you and fiance too? There are many brain injury groups around, I should see what's out there in your area.
Tell your BF that leaving money to his brother would cause problems with Medicaid. His Medicaid would stop and he would need to apply again once the insurance money was spent down. Medicaid is based on income. It also may effect his SSD. These would be questions for a lawyer well versed in SS and Medicaid law. My nephew has a Special Needs Trust that his Moms insurance money was placed. I had to get it established before he was able to get Medicaid.
I would not want to start a marriage caring for someone else. There are group homes for BFs brother. If you get guardianship, you have more control over his finances. You can make sure the GF doesn't take advantage of the brother. I was limited because I only had POA. With guardianship I would have been able to tell the ARC to keep this woman away from my nephew. But my nephew can think for himself so I cannot get guardianship.
Feel free to PM me anytime.
I don't think our marriage will start with his brother actually living with us, but since he hasn't been working, he's been here about 50% of the time (almost every month for 2 weeks at a time). Everyone tells me that I do way too much for his brother but I only do it for my fiance, not his brother. Honestly, and it sounds bad, but I liked it a lot more when I only saw him once or twice a year. I don't think his GF has the mental capacity to take advantage of him. I can't rely on information from him, but he said she was in a severe accident and has several neurological issues. His brother has signed medical paperwork and other things and can understand contracts, but he just doesn't think to pay for anything himself like a normal adult would.
1. You are a realist and your boyfriend is not.
2. You are a planner and your boyfriend is not.
3. You seek out information from reliable sources (layers, social workers) and your boyfriend does not.
4. You would like to have your boyfriend's brother learn skills so that he can become more independent and your boyfriend doesn't seem to give a $hit about that.
What your boyfriend seems to care about is "offloading" this problem on to someone else (you) so that he doesn't have to put any thought or effort into the project. At the same time, he doesn't seem to believe anything you tell him.
What you wrote the other day about BF's life insurance policy was particularly troubling. It is an indication to me, at least, that he sees no reason to trouble himself about taking care of you or your future children.
There is some sort of troubling emotional issue going on with your BF; if you are REALLY committed to working this out, go to therapy with him and encourage him to seek out help on his own to resolve his issues. Otherwise, I don't see much hope in this becoming a balanced relationship.
At this point, guess you can't expect anything of him. I guess just correct him and point him in the right direction. "This is not the bathroom. It's right over here."
He works and is in a relationship? Doesn't seem to match with him not knowing where the bathroom is.
If this is as good as it gets, I would consider NOT having him live with you. It's going to be a challenge. If someone else will take him in, you could pitch in and give them respite care by watching him for some short periods of time. A couple weekends a month or something like that. Helpful to the caregiver but not totally changing your life either.
That's what I try to do - tell him several times until it somewhat sticks. I think he also gets more confused at night and in the morning but also with simple tasks that he's asked to do. If he has enough repetition (like with his job) he's able to learn new things.
I'm against him living with us, but my fiance doesn't like where he lives now (with a family friend) because she seems to take advantage of him. Also, he feels that strong responsibility for him since their parents are gone. No other family member will care for him (they've tried, but almost got into physical fights over things he does). I've already tried to discuss other options like group homes but my fiance is adamant about him not living anywhere else. It's not right now, but will be at some point in the future. The only good thing is that my fiance is slowly starting to see that we would never be able to leave a child with his brother (he used to say we would have a live-in babysitter but his brother can't register that children need to be looked after).
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