(Sorry, this will be a little long.)
I am in my 60’s, still working FT with no plans to retire from a job that I love. I am the sole caretaker for my mother, who sold her house in another state & came to live with me in 2013. I am her general & healthcare POA, but we haven't needed to use them yet. I am single (divorced), and most members of my relatively small extended family live at least 1000 miles away. Everything went well for 4+ years. I have some flexibility in my job so could help my mother settle in. She got to know some new people; she enjoyed cards; the occasional concert, play, or movie; and we had a few visits from – & trips to see – friends & family. I know how fortunate I am to have an amazing mother & an amazing job, but I’m wrestling with a couple issues right now and would appreciate your thoughts & suggestions.
First, my mother thinks it is time to move to AL; earlier this year she asked me to collect information about several facilities. (I told you she’s amazing!) Then she fell early this summer, fracturing a couple vertebrae & a rib. She did two weeks in rehab & made good progress at home for about 6-8 weeks, but in the last month or so things have changed. She’s sleeping more, losing weight, having trouble remembering things sometimes, getting confused & then frustrated with herself. She sometimes refers to herself as “very ill,” and says she knows she is dying and is ready & not afraid. Vitals are all fine, she has no chronic illnesses, is still mobile & lucid, but she’s just sort of weakening & fading away. So I’m realizing that I need to rearrange my work schedule this fall so I can help her find and transition to a good AL facility. She is willing to look at a couple places nearby, but is most interested in a place in the town where she used to live, which is about 400 miles away.
Second, I don’t know how to talk to my sister about any of this. She’s my only sibling, & was the subject of my first question on this forum. She has a lot of physical, emotional, and financial problems that cause her great suffering and fear, but she turns her unhappiness on her family. I’m the primary target right now; my mother sometimes runs a close second, followed by her (adult) kids and miscellaneous other people depending on what’s bothering her at the moment. I know my sister loves our mother, but she sees everything through the lens of her own feelings, and she is totally unable to control those feelings. Whatever causes her anger, fear, grief, whatever – all of it is someone else’s fault, and she unloads on her chosen target with demands, then accusations, then curses, tears, & screaming. It's exciting. :-)
I know what I need to do: free up my work schedule for a few months, make plans with & for my mother, implement those plans, and keep my sister in the loop while maintaining my boundaries with her. I’m just not sure how to do this without the personal satisfaction & uplift that I get from my job, and without the emotional & moral support of a spouse or sibling. It’s hard to navigate this stuff alone, so tell me: How do you organize, cope, &/or maintain your sanity & sense of humor when there’s big stuff to do and no one to share the load?
youve got one parent who’s cooperative. AMAZING! Very rare . It’s usually cases like mine, drag elders kicking and screaming into care armed with you trusty POA.
My advice, start laying track. Get a poa, get the finances organized and get mom ready to go to a facility near you. Not 400 miles away. She will simply have to deal with this. Things have changed. This is about your welfare as much as hers.
as to your sis, I have no advice other than block out the noise and do what you have to do. I doubt you’re going to fix her problems. Worry about you and mom.
As for your sis... yeah, caller display is a wonderful thing. Reduce contact, keep your boundaries up and don't allow any of them to drag you through the mud.
And tell sister after it happens. She won’t be helpful, possibly a hindrance, so why add to your problems?
Take advantage of online resources to help you find a placement for Mom, in her current condition, so she won't conclude her wishes are being ignored and give up hope. You can clear a piece of your schedule to visit her more often. Hire professionals (caregiver-types) to assist with the move, placement of her belongings in her new place. If she is okay for assisted living, a visiting caregiver to check on her might work. Some AL retirement type places have the more care needed option, I have seen this working.
As for your sibling.....she is not capable of taking on even discussions/moral support in her condition, so spare her the stress. (Read your history as you mentioned above). Make sure she has someone to talk with regularly that can be supportive, it should not be you as your job and Mother is a heavy load.
Sister has moved out, I am guessing. Hoping that your Mother is not wanting to move 400 miles to be near the unstable sister?
Check in here often...I know others on here are successfully working and caregiving with the help of private caregivers., Can your Mom be left alone?