How do you deal with a non verbal senior? This is my father in law who refuses to speak to anyone in the house, even his own blood. The conversations are rare, he has throat issues, I believe he has throat cancer but he has not been diagnosed. He won't go to the Doctor & his family doesn't care about him. Every interaction with him is awkward & uncomfortable. He can speak but it's difficult. How do you deal with a non verbal senior? I've been told to pay him no mind, ignore him but it's hard.
Interesting family you have married into.
Given you really have nothing to say here, and father in law apparently doesn't wish to have any medical care, and family agrees with that way forward, you simply visit, keep things to a minimum, supply paper and pencils or marker, watch a bit of TV with him, get on with your day. He will function as he does at all other times.
If you suspect abuse or neglect then you have decisions to make as regards speaking with hubby and family, calling in APS if you discuss with FIL and he seems to need help. Or not.
You know the situation. We don't. Clearly you are worried, and knowing what tiny little bit we know that's about all the advice I can give you.
If he loves old books then read him some fun book such as The Call of the Wild.
It’s hard to understand, and more detail would help.
Instead just talk to him like you would anyone else and let him respond if he wants to and be ok if he chooses not to. And you don't have to ask him questions that he may feel like he needs to answer, but can just talk about what's going on in your life, his grandkids life or even just the weather.
And if his family "doesn't care about him" you may want to call APS and report a vulnerable adult living in an unhealthy environment, and let them come out and do an assessment.
My late husband couldn't speak at all after he had a massive stroke at the young age of 48, and even after much speech therapy, he still could only say very short sentences and simple words, and we were really never able to have what I would call a conversation up until his death at the age of 72.
But I always talked to him, told him about my day, and included him in whatever was going on in our lives and family. And I know that he appreciated that.
So please don't ignore your FIL just because the rest of his family is. He needs to know that at least one person cares about him don't you think?
Your options need to be discussed with your husband, but they include:
1) You don’t provide free care to him. He pays for your time in washing, cleaning and cooking.
2) He pays a share of housing costs.
3) He treats you politely, responds to comments, and acknowledges you as his daughter-in-law and mother of his grandchildren – ie part of the family.
4) Failing 1 to 3, he leaves and finds his own accommodation. The food stops immediately.
You are NOT 'over-stepping boundaries' in setting terms for your own personal interaction with him. You are NOT responsible for his relationship with other family members.
What does your husband think about this?
Easier said than done, I know. Is there anyone outside of the family that can have a heart to heart with him and maybe get him to the doctor? If not, you may have to live with his behavior but it wouldn’t hurt for you to tell him you are worried about him and if he ever wants to talk, you’ll be there to listen. Then, continue as you are, without rancor, if you can. It’s up to your husband to figure out options and make changes. I’m really sorry, it’s a hard situation.
White board
Text him.
These will work if he is cognizant.
My husband was non verbal due to the Alzheimer's and Vascular dementias I learned to read facial cues. He would not have been able to read, write or text.
If this is a man that you care about and you have interaction with him daily just talk to him. If you ask a question make it a yes or no so he can nod or shake his head. Make choices limited to 2 or 3 things so he can m ore easily make his desire known. "George, do you want a tuna sandwich, or a ham sandwich and do you want soup with it?"
It’s odd - if you were to visit my DH on one of his good days, you might think he has normal cognition. Spend a few minutes in conversation with him and it becomes abundantly clear that it is not.
If it doesn’t check out, another thing to check carefully is FIL’s approach to his son, compared with his approach to you. My reaction is that he may want to see you as a ‘maid servant’, to be ignored as much as possible. He may even dream of getting you out of the house so that he can have his son to himself. This is more usual from MILs to their sons than FILs to sons, but it is possible.
If this checks out, you need to talk to your husband about it. We regularly have situations where H needs to choose between W and M, and this just might be the same thing flipped. Chances are that H can’t manage the house without you. H may have to make this very clear to FIL. What FIL’s other children might do is really not the issue for you to worry about.
Is his family simply avoiding him because they don't know how to communicate with him? It is different if he was the kind of person that his family never really liked.
If the FIL seems to want to communicate, you can create an alphabet board.
I used the computer to print on an 8 1/2" x 11" sheet of paper, then placed in a sheet protector. Use as large a Font as you can and still fit all letters on the page. You can do another one with simple words and numbers; depending on what he is likely to need - Yes, No, Hungry, Thirsty, Hurt,....
Place that page in the same sheet protector, so you can simply turn it over.
My husband has difficulty making words and communicating as a result of a stroke. He manages to grunt single word commands, but when I can't understand him, I get the alphabet board out and he points to the letters to spell what he wants.
Now, that's because my husband doesn't have use of his right hand or the motor skills to write. But if your FIL can write down things he wants to say, keep a notepad and a pen next to him. Or even a pad of post-it notes.
I just want to say, your story reminds me of my good friend when I was growing up. She and her 4 siblings had a step-dad, who because of his lifestyle, smoking and bad diet, was in a similar condition. The family hated him. He was abusive, demanding, and had molested one of the girls. Their mother didn't see a way out, and when he was dying, and finally died, the family was joyous to have this horrible person out of their lives. What I'm saying is, if your FIL's family truly does not care about him or what happens to him, you might find out why and be sensitive to their feelings about it.
Since he is currently in your home, sit down with him on a day you are feeling up to trying to calmly talk things out in the open. Lay it on the line. Let him know you are trying to have a good relationship with him, but it's difficult when he does not want to acknowledge your presence. Let him know you see him as angry. Ask him what in the world he is angry about. If what he tells you is hateful, at least you have your answer.
If he can do yes/no answers with head nod and shake, that is at least a start. Can he read and write still? If he can then a note pad and marker can be a way to communicate.
Since your husband is having him move out, you can still try to talk it out with him, either before or after he moves. You have not said your FIL has dementia, so talk to him.
If your son has any rapport with him, try to find out why he won't go to the doctor. If he's afraid of the diagnosis he may get, your son can remind him that illness doesn't stop progressing just because someone refuses to acknowledge it. If he doesn't want treatment, he can make that decision.
Learn how to interact / communicate with him (go to TEEPA SNOW's website). Learn how to use non-verbal communication, i.e.,
- touch
- eye contact
- tone of voice
- asking open ended questions
If his own family doesn't care (which is very sad to read), I would be alarmed. Perhaps the family needs to be reported to the Adult Protective Services (APS). There is a lot more going on here.
I would be very concerned and appreciate YOU for caring for your father-in-law. It is somewhat shocking that you are concerned more than they are, but perhaps this isn't so unusual. It just hurts to hear / read this.
Sounds like they all have 'thrown in the towel' and simply do not care about him. Perhaps he would be better off in a facility.
I wonder if you are married and if so, how does your husband - the son of your FIL respond? care? if he supports this non-caring behavior which isn't care - it is abuse, they you have some decisions to make - report the situation to authorities (call Senior Dept) at your County City Hall. Find out who to speak to.
You shouldn't 'have to' be the person who steps up ... although I am glad you did. Compassion goes a very long was as a person ages / loses independence / has more -serious medical problems as they decline. Thank GOD your dad in law has you. He is very fortunate.
And DON'T FOR A MOMENT listen to 'pay him no mind' - this is part of the abusive behavior his own family inflicts upon him. Gena / Touch Matters