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I have been a member of this forum for about 3 years now and it has helped me so much. Many of you know my history with my father but I still worry about him. Whenever he has scheduled doctor's appointments I immediately assume the worst outcome. I know I have to learn that I can not control what happens whether it is good or bad. I'm just looking for ways to cope.

When I was helping my dad through hard times with medical issues, I had to keep a few things in mind. One is worry accomplishes nothing and really sucks the joy out of life. Another is, we don’t control anything, it’s an illusion we give ourselves for comfort, but in reality what will happen is going to happen, and knowing it’s not on us to attempt to control is actually freeing. And acceptance is a gift you give yourself, it may come in stages or bits, but it’s truly a kindness to accept what you cannot change.
It’s never wrong to seek help for yourself when you feel overwhelmed, many have benefited from anti anxiety medication at times. I wish you calm and peace
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faithfulbeauty 4 hours ago
Thank you! I'm definitely searching for calm.
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FB, many years ago, my mother in law gave some awesome advice. I was very worried about a medical test my baby was going to have, fearing the worst.

My own mom was an epic worrier, so discussing this with her would only have sent me into a bigger tailspin.


My mil said "Barbara, worrying about something like this is a waste of your energy. You have NO idea how you will react to whatever news there is, so just wait out the results and THEN make a plan with the facts and advice from the medical professionals."

I have to say, that it sort of changed my life

Be well. Keep in touch.
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faithfulbeauty 4 hours ago
It is definitely a waste of energy and very draining!
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Do you have anxiety when you have to go to your own doctors appointments or is this just when your father has his?
Is anxiety something you've struggled with for years or is this something new? If new or not I hope that you've talked to your own doctor about ways to address it whether it be medications or otherwise.
And you have absolutely no control how well or not your fathers appointments will go, so just take a deep breath and be thankful that he at least still agrees to go to his doctors appointments, so you at least have a clue as to what is going on with him.
Your father isn't getting any younger and more than likely health issues will arise as he continues to age, but like I already said, be thankful he's at least still going to his doctors so you have an idea of what he's dealing with so he/you can plan accordingly for any future care.
It's nothing to be anxious over. It's called life. Welcome to it.
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Oh that is so hard!! My mom has these worries about her own appointments. To an irrational degree. She works with a psych nurse practitioner who has told her to remind herself

**Feelings aren't facts
**If you're always telling yourself a story, try to change the ending (to a positive one)
** check your facts, what evidence do you have to support your worst case scenario thoughts.


In your case I would add be glad HE is not one worrying so much about it!


It's very hard when the brain starts spiraling. I hope you find some relief.
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faithfulbeauty 4 hours ago
He really does not worry about it. Also, I agree with you! It is very hard when your brain is spiraling and imagining the worse case scenario.
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Ask your own doctor for anti-anxiety meds.

Intellectually you understand you can't control what happens, but emotionally that's a different story. Perhaps with a little medication, you won't feel so anxious.

I saw this on AI:
Healthy: "I love my parent and want to make sure they are okay, but I can't be there 24/7."
Enmeshed: "If I don't go to this appointment and fix everything, I am a bad child and they will die." 

Which are you? If enmeshed, you might need additional counseling, and that's okay. Having someone to talk to about it might be exactly what you need to cope. I certainly wish you the best of luck.
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A long time ago a good friend gave me this advice handed down to her by her grandma.
"Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair and rocking. There's a lot of energy that goes into it, but it gets you absolutely no where."
Concern is natural and good, but becoming so anxious that it affects you physically, emotionally, and/or mentally is not good. Please bring this matter to your doctor's attention and get some help. I hope he/she can help you and you can find some peace.
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faithfulbeauty 4 hours ago
I've heard this before about worry and it is so true. I'm going to talk to my doctor.
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Talk to your doctor about your anxiety. Worry can become overwhelming.
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faithfulbeauty 4 hours ago
It can and it is!
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Great advice so far.

I would add you might want to look into DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) which you can do one to one or in groups, including caring for the caregiver groups. DBT teaches emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and mindfulness. Mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment to get you out of ruminating or mental loops or anxieties or catastrophizing about the future. DBT also includes “check the facts” which can help defuse inappropriate guilt — which is a huge hook into the anxiety ruminations.

DBT has helped me in a very related scenario. Wishing you calm and peace!
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I always act like it's going to be a fun outing and act totally excited and happy. I always bring a notebook and sit in the corner and take notes.

You have to force yourself to stay positive! If it's bad news, I brush it off and try to act like no big deal. If it's good news, I talk about how lucky they are all the way home.

We just have to adjust and be good actresses. Even if pissed at him, I still try to stay upbeat, if it kills me. I would want the same vibe if it was me! Don't take their crap, but don't be mean, either.

I want to know exactly what the Doctor said, especially if they are manipulator type, trying to get sympathy. My thing about helping my Ex is he is a decorated Vietnam Combat Veteran, and I'm a Colonel's daughter. I was raised differently (in a strict military atmosphere) than most. I let the doctors know up front why the Ex Wife is here....I make it crystal clear nobody screws a United States Combat Veteran on my watch, period. I don't care if I hate him or not.

And yes, I stick by that philosophy to this day. I've gotten lawyers to help me correct whatever I see I don't like. I'm a basic Bitch and proud of it.
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