Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
I’m sorry for your hurt in this. Learn all you can about Alzheimer’s and realize the accusations are from a broken brain that’s lost sound reasoning ability. That doesn’t fully take away the sting, but it will help you let it go. I hope you’re getting regular breaks and respite and not trying to handle it all on your own. I wish you both peace
My friend's husband's mind became more twisted and dark with each passing day with his Parkinson's and dementia. It was confirmed that in his case it was a result of being exposed to Agent Orange in Viet Nam back in the '60s.
A more straight-laced person then my friend doesn't exist so at first she'd defended herself adding - When would I have the time? He is so completely incapacitated a ceiling lift is needed and other devices to help bath and move him. She lives 100% as his servant and aid, feeding him, washing him, changing the TV station.
His vile accusations became especially humiliating when nurses were finally sent to help and he'd tell them in front of her that she was a slut and cheating on him with doctor's, plumbers, delivery boys, etc.
As you can imagine the nurses were great with answers such as, Whoa your wife is popular, and oh Mr C you know you're the love of Mrs C's life, and other more fun and silly answers.
Observing how the nurses, (who were old-hands with this type of ugly talk from dementialand), dealt with the harangue my friend learned how to manage it. Besides, hearing the barage constantly made the words get plenty old and tired to the point were my friend now rolls her eyes in resignation and we, her friends, just talk over him and continue our conversations as though there's simply a nagging jibberish talking baby in the room with us. There we are, she may be straightening out his bed, we're talking about a show on Netflix, and all the time he's being awful. It's sad, yes, but better ignored/accepted, and it's just the way it is. Like getting punched, or receiving injections in the same spot, that spot gets tough. You have to get strong. You are the wise one, and the protector.
I know it's super difficult to hear such shocking accusations but if there is anyway you can have fun with it, without getting hurt, (duck and keep your sneakers on:), it may be helpful. It's more do-able if he is not capable of mobility, in other words chase or throw something at you if he becomes irritated that you're joking around to lighten things up. Maybe walk into his room with a helmut on for protection against his sling and arrows. He won't get it but it might be funny for you.
If there are other people around when he hurls that tripe you might say - Oh yes that's me, Ms Hotsy Totsy 1945.
When you're alone with him perhaps you can try to not respond and know that he wouldn't speak this way if he could help it. I imagine when he was healthy he didn't speak to you like that. In his right mind he would hate himself if he was aware and out of control.
He is so, so very fortunate he's got you in his corner. You are heroic. Funny enough, the friends I've made on this journey agree Oh boy are our guys lucky, and we laugh because we also agree that there is no way in heck that our guys would stick around if the shoe was on the other foot. Our laugh is genuine even in this regard. They can't help it.
Can you listen to music or a story via headphones? Does playing music help him?
I send you love, great sympathy for your situation and a warm good hug.
Is he on meds for agitation/anxiety or depression? If not, maybe it's time to discuss this with his primary doctor.
"1. Stay Calm and Avoid Arguing Arguing or trying to prove him wrong rarely helps, since logic and evidence don’t register the same way anymore.
Instead, keep your tone gentle and neutral: “I’m so sorry you feel that way. You know I love you, and I’m right here.”
Or, if emotions are high:
“That must feel scary to think. Let’s sit down for a minute together.” Redirecting the emotion—rather than the content—can help de-escalate.
2. Offer Reassurance and Comfort Alzheimer’s often makes people feel insecure and fearful of abandonment. Reassurance can calm those fears:
“You’re safe. I’m here with you.” “I love you. We’re in this together.” Sometimes gentle touch, hand-holding, or distraction (a walk, a meal, music) can change the emotional channel more effectively than conversation.
3. Avoid Over-Explaining or “Correcting” Explaining where you were, showing texts, or proving innocence can actually feed the paranoia (“You’re defending yourself because it’s true”). Instead, focus on his feelings rather than the facts.
4. Redirect or Distract After acknowledging his feelings, move the focus elsewhere:
“I can see that really upset you. Let’s go for a drive.” “I know you love that old photo album — let’s look at it together.” Distraction works best when it connects to something comforting or familiar.
5. Watch for Triggers Notice if these accusations happen at particular times — for instance, evenings (sundowning), or after he wakes up and can’t find you. Adjust routines if possible (keeping a consistent daily rhythm, minimizing overstimulation, using soft lighting, etc.).
6. Protect Your Emotional Well-Being Being accused can be deeply wounding. Find safe outlets:
My mom, 92, accused my dad, 92 of cheating on her with the caregivers when the caregivers would take my dad into the bathroom to help brush his teeth or bathe, etc.
My mom would get herself to the door of the bathroom with her walker and bang on it. She was certain that the 30 something or 40 something year-old caregivers were having an affair with my 92-year-old dad. She would tell the caregiver they could leave for the day and not come back. There was a young blonde caregiver who we had to let go simply because my mom suspected that my dad was attracted to her. Again, my dad was 92. With serious dementia. And with no inappropriate behavior towards the caregiver to make my mom think something was going on. (He just wanted to brush his teeth!) I had never ever seen my mom react like this towards my dad. They were married for 69 years.
The only thing—I repeat—the only thing that helped in this situation, was medication.
Seroquel every day, and an as needed anti-anxiety medication.
There was no convincing my mom that this was not happening. Her dementia was causing her to act like this, and nothing helped but medication.
Even if it caused her to nap during the day, the meds meant that the house was calm and not full of tension and yelling. It meant my dad was calm. It meant my mom could rest. At first, I felt like we were simply drugging my mom. But with dementia, medication is needed.
This is very common with dementia. As daughterofAD said, he needs medication to calm his overactive, malfunctioning brain. Would you want to to be living in such a state of agitation? If's not pleasant for him either. So you need to do this for both of yourselves. Call his doctor right away. If one medication doesn't work, keep trying until you get the right combination.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
A more straight-laced person then my friend doesn't exist so at first she'd defended herself adding - When would I have the time? He is so completely incapacitated a ceiling lift is needed and other devices to help bath and move him. She lives 100% as his servant and aid, feeding him, washing him, changing the TV station.
His vile accusations became especially humiliating when nurses were finally sent to help and he'd tell them in front of her that she was a slut and cheating on him with doctor's, plumbers, delivery boys, etc.
As you can imagine the nurses were great with answers such as, Whoa your wife is popular, and oh Mr C you know you're the love of Mrs C's life, and other more fun and silly answers.
Observing how the nurses, (who were old-hands with this type of ugly talk from dementialand), dealt with the harangue my friend learned how to manage it. Besides, hearing the barage constantly made the words get plenty old and tired to the point were my friend now rolls her eyes in resignation and we, her friends, just talk over him and continue our conversations as though there's simply a nagging jibberish talking baby in the room with us. There we are, she may be straightening out his bed, we're talking about a show on Netflix, and all the time he's being awful. It's sad, yes, but better ignored/accepted, and it's just the way it is. Like getting punched, or receiving injections in the same spot, that spot gets tough. You have to get strong. You are the wise one, and the protector.
I know it's super difficult to hear such shocking accusations but if there is anyway you can have fun with it, without getting hurt, (duck and keep your sneakers on:), it may be helpful. It's more do-able if he is not capable of mobility, in other words chase or throw something at you if he becomes irritated that you're joking around to lighten things up. Maybe walk into his room with a helmut on for protection against his sling and arrows. He won't get it but it might be funny for you.
If there are other people around when he hurls that tripe you might say - Oh yes that's me, Ms Hotsy Totsy 1945.
When you're alone with him perhaps you can try to not respond and know that he wouldn't speak this way if he could help it. I imagine when he was healthy he didn't speak to you like that. In his right mind he would hate himself if he was aware and out of control.
He is so, so very fortunate he's got you in his corner. You are heroic. Funny enough, the friends I've made on this journey agree Oh boy are our guys lucky, and we laugh because we also agree that there is no way in heck that our guys would stick around if the shoe was on the other foot. Our laugh is genuine even in this regard. They can't help it.
Can you listen to music or a story via headphones? Does playing music help him?
I send you love, great sympathy for your situation and a warm good hug.
"1. Stay Calm and Avoid Arguing
Arguing or trying to prove him wrong rarely helps, since logic and evidence don’t register the same way anymore.
Instead, keep your tone gentle and neutral:
“I’m so sorry you feel that way. You know I love you, and I’m right here.”
Or, if emotions are high:
“That must feel scary to think. Let’s sit down for a minute together.”
Redirecting the emotion—rather than the content—can help de-escalate.
2. Offer Reassurance and Comfort
Alzheimer’s often makes people feel insecure and fearful of abandonment. Reassurance can calm those fears:
“You’re safe. I’m here with you.”
“I love you. We’re in this together.”
Sometimes gentle touch, hand-holding, or distraction (a walk, a meal, music) can change the emotional channel more effectively than conversation.
3. Avoid Over-Explaining or “Correcting”
Explaining where you were, showing texts, or proving innocence can actually feed the paranoia (“You’re defending yourself because it’s true”). Instead, focus on his feelings rather than the facts.
4. Redirect or Distract
After acknowledging his feelings, move the focus elsewhere:
“I can see that really upset you. Let’s go for a drive.”
“I know you love that old photo album — let’s look at it together.”
Distraction works best when it connects to something comforting or familiar.
5. Watch for Triggers
Notice if these accusations happen at particular times — for instance, evenings (sundowning), or after he wakes up and can’t find you. Adjust routines if possible (keeping a consistent daily rhythm, minimizing overstimulation, using soft lighting, etc.).
6. Protect Your Emotional Well-Being
Being accused can be deeply wounding. Find safe outlets:
Seek respite care or regular breaks."
Source: ChatGPT5
My mom would get herself to the door of the bathroom with her walker and bang on it. She was certain that the 30 something or 40 something year-old caregivers were having an affair with my 92-year-old dad. She would tell the caregiver they could leave for the day and not come back. There was a young blonde caregiver who we had to let go simply because my mom suspected that my dad was attracted to her. Again, my dad was 92. With serious dementia. And with no inappropriate behavior towards the caregiver to make my mom think something was going on. (He just wanted to brush his teeth!) I had never ever seen my mom react like this towards my dad. They were married for 69 years.
The only thing—I repeat—the only thing that helped in this situation, was medication.
Seroquel every day, and an as needed anti-anxiety medication.
There was no convincing my mom that this was not happening. Her dementia was causing her to act like this, and nothing helped but medication.
Even if it caused her to nap during the day, the meds meant that the house was calm and not full of tension and yelling. It meant my dad was calm. It meant my mom could rest. At first, I felt like we were simply drugging my mom. But with dementia, medication is needed.