Mom lived with me for 18 months and I decided I couldn't do it anymore. She was sleeping all day, slightly demanding and she started to treat me like a child. She did not want to go to AL but she did anyway and has been a real trooper, but I know she wants to live with me (I heard her tell a friend she didn't want to go because her family was here (meaning my home)). I want to retire but am afraid to because I know she will want to move back in. I feel selfish and ungrateful for the life I was given while growing up. What to do???
That isn't the case here, is it?
You didn't cause it; you can't fix it.
You are not responsible for the happiness of others; and there's very little you can do to promote your own happiness other than to understand that's the case. Life is full of unhappy times, and if your mom is of an age then she knows that.
It is time now not for the care of one person for 24/7 but of many people on several shifts of care, and to remove yourself from the AWFUL description of being a "caregiver" back to being a daughter.
Your mother of COURSE wishes she wasn't in ALF. WHO WOULD NOT? And so the other G-Word you must learn now to use is GRIEF. And this is worth grieving. You are not god. Throwing yourself bodily on the burning funeral pyre of a parent will ruin your life and will be of little help to your parent.
A lot of seniors who didn't want to go into AL actually end up living their best lives when they get there. Quite a few seniors at the AL I worked for had been living alone and were very lonely. They saw no one other than when their adult kids visited or their homecare worker was on shift. They pretty much were like the OP's mother. Either they were sleeping or watching tv all day. Then invent things to complain or panic about. At AL they got socialization, made friends, went on group outings, and kind of enjoyed some kind of life.
And you feel guilty because you want to live and enjoy your own life just like your mom has done with her own life???
I'm sorry but that is messed up.
Our parents owe it to us to give us the best life they can when we are young, but as adults we DO NOT owe our parents anything. Your mom should be grateful that you allowed her to live with you for as long as she did.
Any parent that thinks their children should be responsible for their care as they age, in my book just doesn't love that child very much if at all, because if they did they would NEVER put their care on their child/children, and expect their child to give up their lives for them.
That is called selfishness, not love.
So...you keep mom right where she's at, where she can enjoy being around folks her own age and is kept as active as she wants to be and is also safe and taken care of by multiple caregivers round the clock and not just one...you.
And retire so you can enjoy your life the way you see fit, as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
Why on earth would you guilt trip yourself because your parents gave you a good life growing up? That was their job. That is what good parents do for their kids. REALLY good parents don't expect their adult children to be chained to them in their old age and the miserable drudgery of caregiving. The plan for old age so their kids can have lives and enjoy their own retirements.
You put your mother in AL because having her with you wasn't working and you want to retire. That wasn't wrong and please don't guilt-trip yourself about it.
Mom needs to be in assisted living , so she is there .
Your mother does not need to know what you are doing either, whether it’s working , vacationing , whatever .
Your mother was required to take care of you , her child because she brought you into this world.
You on the other hand did NOT make your mother old and need care .
I know too many adult kids who carry the “guilt” you describe. They are always resentful, tired and complain about how they can’t get a break, even though they could get off the “hamster wheel” but won’t. I agree with other posters in that mom doesn’t have to know everything that goes on in your life. I’ve worked to create that for myself and it has been liberating.