Hi. I’m 29 and I’m an only child. My parents are 65 and 59. They both struggle pretty heavily with health stuff. My mom was just admitted to the hospital and I was wondering when you know if it’s urgent enough to drive the 11 hours home?
My dad is there and he is the opposite of helpful. He withholds information from me, yells at my mom, leaves her alone in the hospital room. We get a social worker called on us every time she is hospitalized (often).
She has pneumonia and Covid. Just curious if I need to get ready to make that drive. I want to encourage their independence but I worry about them constantly. Thank you!
Get on with your life. Wish them well. Help out with an Amazon Wish List as far as getting some staples delivered in. If you are financially well off provide such things as occ. cleaning help, internet connectivity and etc.
Do not begin to take this on. There will be no answers as long as YOU are all the answers.
Get on with your life. Wish them well. Help out with an Amazon Wish List as far as getting some staples delivered in. If you are financially well off provide such things as occ. cleaning help, internet connectivity and etc.
Do not begin to take this on. There will be no answers as long as YOU are all the answers.
Would like just to say, if I get covid tomorrow we will muster through at 83 and 85. We will call hospital or EMS as needed, get our needs met. WE WILL NOT BE CALLING our children to come to us.
out for themselves. If you show up you will forever be the solution to any future issues
I don't think we have enough context to give you the best guidance:
- what's your Dad's problem with his behavior?
- why is your Mom hospitalized so often?
- why can't she help herself?
- what happens when the social worker gets called whenver she is hospitalized?
- what is it exactly that you think you'd be doing if you went there, and how long would you stay? Don't you have a job?
FYI, your parents are *young*.
More info would be helpful.
No way should you get in the middle of their drama and become responsible for making it all better! And get Covid on top of it. Look after yourself and continue to be an independent adult. I wish you well with all of it.
I would say that now is the time Mom and Dad need to get their ducks in a row. If you don't want to be their DPOA, thats OK. But, you should be put on all their HIPAA forms stating that you can talk to Nurses and Doctors. Both should have a living Will saying what they don't want or do want concerning their health. Medical POA does not obligate you in any way. It just gives you the ability to talk to Medical personnel. It also is like a living will listing what the principle wants and does not want concerning their heath.
You only have to be involved with your parents as much as you want to be. You set the boundaries. I assume you tell these Social Workers not much you can do about Dad. You also can't be running back and forth everytime one of them is hospitalized because you really don't have any legal power to do anything and sometimes in certain families thats a good thing.
Second, ask your mother to add you on her HIPAA privacy forms and whatever other paperwork releases are needed, to allow you to speak directly to her medical providers, so that you can bypass your dad and get accurate information from them.
Third, define what your purpose would be in making this long trip, since the medical issues arise so often. Certainly if it was a critical issue and you felt like you might need to say goodbye. But below that, what would you want to do, what would you feel like you need to do, and what would you actually be able to do, given the difficult relationship issues? Your comment that you want to encourage their independence is so backward -- they should be encouraging you in your life, not the other way around! So if you're seeking to do more than is really feasible, or being expected to do more than is really feasible, tamp down your instincts to jump in the car and plunge into unnecessary and unproductive drama. It sounds like you've gotten caught up in this kind of thing before, so it's good that you're evaluating the situation rather than just reflexively letting yourself be taken advantage of.
It sounds very frustrating. I wish your mom well in recuperating from this. I also wish you well in continuing to navigate these situations going forward, since it seems there will be more of them. Don't let yourself be held hostage by other people's drama.
It likely is a life long situation where the child has taken on the role of being more of an 'adult' taking care of the parent(s). This is more than just about driving. I hope this young woman / daughter gets into therapy to sort it all out for her own peace of mind. Gena
That said, it sounds like your mom is seriously ill with pneumonia. What is the prognosis? What is wrong with dad that he behaves in such a manner? Is he cognitively impaired? As an only child, as I was, you're the only person to care about them, basically. I believe in being proactive with our parents to be as helpful as possible even when hands on caregiving is not possible or doable.
See if you can speak with moms doctor. Do as MG suggests and get mom to add you to her HIPAA forms to receive information about her status. Go from there.
I had to move my folks close to me, from FL to Colo, so I could manage their care. Dad was no longer able to drive and mom refused to, so they were disabled from that perspective alone. And they were in their upper 80s by then. Even though your folks are young, if they have a long history of health issues, you may have to intervene at some point to get help for them w/o doing the care yourself, as I did.
Perhaps there is a social worker at mom's hospital you can speak with now to get an idea of what's happening before you drive down there. That would be your best bet for the moment, Imo.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Tell the Social worker that maybe she needs to contact APS, your dad can not care for mom at home. And possibly your dad is unable to manage his own health.
(you do not go into detail what is going on with him physically) But it seems he is burned out and can not manage by himself.
YOU are not POA for either of them (are you?) If you are not POA you can not make any decisions for them.
I would make it known that you are in no position to take on their care. (unless you really are and I would discourage that)
Why should you need to “ encourage their independence ? “. Either they are independent adults , or they aren’t . If not, then I would tell the social worker that you live 11 hours away and can not drop things to come running .
DO NOT start propping up your parents and supporting a false independence by running there . If they can not care for themselves then they need some hired homecare or assisted living . Food etc can be delivered as well . You are far too young to stop your own life to take care of two people who are not even that old and could live another couple of decades .
Does Dad have cognitive issues ? If so , perhaps call APS , or their County Agency of Aging and get a social worker involved regarding the situation at home .
Why does a social worker call when she is hospitalized? Is that part of the discharge plan for your mother?
Children (once grown) should ever show care, concern, or love, back to the parents when they are in need.
Unless you had the misfortune of having terrible parents, do your best for them.
You do not have to give every penny you have, spend every second you have, or lose your life completely, to be good to your aging parents.
Remember the GOLDEN RULE.
.
So tell me, how many years of one's life should one sacrifice for those parents who hit them, abandoned them, and didn't provide financially or emotionally for their children? Would one year be enough of changing their diapers, cleaning their poop off the rug and their moldy food out of the fridge? Would three years satisfy the requirement, as long as we paid their rent, cooked their meals and allowed them to call us vulgar names day in and day out? Ruined family life by taking up residence in our living room and refusing to bathe for 8 months? And ran off a spouse because she wouldn't kowtow to their outrageous demands? HOW MUCH OF THAT GOLDEN RULE IS REQUIRED?
Talk to her MD.
If you aern't on her medical (authorization) list, get on it.
Ask yourself: Why do I want to go / see her?
- is it because you feel it may be the last time? that she's on her death bed?
- Are you feeling responsibility / guilty if you don't go?
- Be clear on your intentions and stay true to yourself.
- Know that your mother is NOT your responsibility. [From what you share] she has stayed in a toxic marriage. This is her decision. It isn't up to you to 'try' to make up for what is lacking in your father's behavior towards her.
At 29, I am sure many here will say that you are 'too young' to take on all this responsibility.
This is a dysfunctional marriage / relationship.
Do not put yourself in the middle of it.
When thinking about when to drive those 11 hours, ask yourself:
"How will I feel if I don't go?"
"How would I feel if I go and she is then released 1-2-3 days / a week later?"
"How often have I done this and felt xxx on that 11 hour ride back home." (Like, why did I drive all this way - for what?)
Listen to your GUT. It'll never steer you wrong.
Gena / Touch Matters
Do your parents have friends, or at least your mom have friends, that you could rely on for occasional help or to keep you informed? You and your parents are young. This is only going to get worse and could go on for a long time. You need to set boundaries and expectations. Explore their community and/or contact senior services to learn what things are available. Your dad sounds difficult. Does he need psychiatric help? Maybe help to facilitate that so it will be easier for you. There is no reason he should not give you information. Is your mother safe in the relationship? Maybe she needs help to leave him. Some women feel they can't leave or are afraid to leave. There are lots of issues here. I would encourage you to help them to see there is a problem here, you can't always drop everything and go there, and you need long term solutions. As someone who has been doing this for 30 years I would encourage you not to just think should I go this time, but how can I make it so I don't have to go every time.
Good luck. It's not always easy.
11 hours each way is a long way to travel at 29, and costly! You are smart to consider how often you should do that.
I'm sorry you are worrying about your parents. You shouldn't have to. At 29, you should be building your life and your future. It's unfortunate they have health issues at their young age.
Do you feel you would worry less if you lived closer? Have you considered moving? What would that do to your life? Would your parents consider moving to be near you? And what would THAT do to your life?
If it's simply about spending time with your ailing mom while living so far away, perhaps you can have daily video calls with her. Find a way to keep in touch without having to travel and spend,... how many days? If you go there, how long would you be staying? Until she's out of the hospital? That could be weeks. Can you leave your job for that long? Is she dying? Or does she expect to recover fully and go home soon? It really would help if you can get information directly from the doctor and nurses!
Do not let your parent's drama keep you from living your own life. You need to talk with mom's doctor about how serious this is before taking an 11 hour journey. You need to find out why she is constantly sick and what her prognosis is. You need to discuss with your husband if you have one exactly how much time and effort you two want to put towards helping your parents. I didn't do any of that. We got in the car, moved out of our lovely apartment and moved in with my parents to help out. We have suffered financially and in other ways since. Stay strong and do what's best for you and your husband and kids if you have them.