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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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You have your post listed under depression, so if your husband is suffering from depression, I hope that it is being treated, so he can enjoy his retirement. And if it's not being treated, and he's in denial about his depression, then you may just have to go on and start doing things that you enjoy without him. I'm sure that's not what you intended when you both retired, but if one party has chosen to be a party pooper or even just more of a homebody, it doesn't mean that the other party has to go along with them. Life is too short and precious to not do the things that bring us pleasure and joy, so get out there and start enjoying your retirement with or without your husband. And maybe just maybe when he sees you out having all this fun he may just want to join you one day. One can only hope huh?
An age old question! You might have to start by getting out regularly and leaving him to fend for himself. Make yourself a little scarce.
While you’re out having coffee with girlfriends, taking a class, a hike or volunteering, give him lots of chores to do at home. It’s amazing how quickly he will find something elsewhere when housework becomes HIS job.
When all else fails you might have to spend some serious money to encourage a hobby - buy him a classic car, a fly fishing rod, a greenhouse, an e-bike, golf clubs, a bowling ball, a gym membership, a table saw, if you can afford it.
Hook him up with a local service organization, Lions or Kiwanis clubs. Maybe look into monitoring city council or local utility board meetings or sitting in on trials at the courthouse. Adopt-A-Road!
Once he finds something he enjoys and it becomes routine, you can quit all your activities and have time to yourself at home again. The truth is, if you are enough for him (as many wives are for their husbands) he may not be interested in looking elsewhere for activities. Good luck! Retirement is a hard transition for some men.
Ohhhh, I've been there! There is actually something called retired husband syndrome. Google it when you get time. It's real, and they can drive you up the wall.
It takes time to adjust, a year or more, some people are just lost. I was a stay at home mom for 4 boys for years, so I adjusted pretty well. But I would look at my husband when he was outside and he looked so lost. Then his friends started stopping in, and one beer after another and 20lbs later I put a huge end to that.
Now the only difficult time is the dead of winter, which is now! 😖 It's not easy, I'm not sure what your husband likes to do.
Mine was cleaning the basement today, but I just got a sence he needed to get out, so we went for a ride and put for lunch, honestly the last thing I wanted to do, but it's not his fault I'm with mom 2 or 3 days a week.
I'm not sure what your husband likes to do. Mine tinkers on old trucks. Built me a patio , and we rebuilt are deck this summer.
Has he always been a home-body? If so, just because he's retired doesn't mean he will magically become someone he has never been. Maybe agree to have a month of once a week "activity dates" where you each pick something to try out together and see how it goes.
Volunteerism is a good way to put skills to use and feel good doing it. Join Nextdoor.com and you'll find all sorts of needs posted by your actual neighbors and nearby communities (and non-anonymous).
I too question if the depression is you or him... if it's him I think it's not uncommon to have a period of adjustment after a lifetime of a work routine. FYI retirement is one of the 3 times when divorce risk increases.
I wish you all the best as you create an enjoyable retirement together.
You are new to the Forum. As you can imagine, we don't know your husband's history. You put this under "depression" but we need now for you to fill us in a bit about hubby. His age? His health? His interests before retirement? His explanation for why he doesn't want to do much? You own hopes for sharing retirement with him? (Hobbies, travel, grandkids, building a second home? whatever they may be). Your history of being close. And lastly, what discussions have you had with him and what does he say to you.
Without a little information about all we could say is why not ask him out to dinner and a bowling date tonight?
A few things to consider.... If he just retired and has had been working for a long time especially at the same place there might be a few things going on. Depression is possible. Obviously since retiring he has changed his routine depression can be a possibility. He may be missing co-workers and the comradery that goes with the workplace.
There is a possibility that there may be things medically going on. Even things he may not have shared with you. Was the retirement a long planned goal or did he decide recently? The reason I ask is if he feels that there may be some cognitive problems he might be having that can be worrisome. And I have read that some people have been able to hide signs/symptoms of cognitive problems for years before others notice. Think back over the past year or so have there been any little things that might have been "off" just a bit and you either ignored or brushed it off as a fluke? (It was 1 incident that made me question my Husband and what might be going on)
Since it is end of the year maybe suggest that he schedule his "Annual Medicare Physical" and part of that should be a mini mental test. but also discuss or send a note to his doctor that he recently retired.
You also might want to start planning little day trips. I am sure that you live in an area where there are places that you would like to explore. make believe you are a tourist in your town. Discover what programs your local Senior Center has. Trips, activities. And I am sure they need Volunteers and your husband might find that he can help. You can also try VolunteerMatch.org put in your area and it will bring up organizations looking for Volunteers.
I just retired and am the full time caregiver for my 91 year old Mom with Alzheimer's who lives in my home. My husband is several years into full retirement. It is challenging to see him spend way too much time watching TV or surfing the social media sites. All I can do is try to model making healthy choices (I do yoga 3 times a week with online classes, read books, jigsaw puzzles, sew, teaching myself to paint watercolors) that I can work around the care of my Mom. I don't have the time or inclination to be the "cruise director" for my husband's retirement.
One of the problems I have found in retirement is that activities for women are nearly always day-time, and things for men are nearly always evening. Evening activities don’t meet your needs to get him out of the house, and they get more and more difficult with driving in the dark.
I think perhaps volunteer activities would be best to ‘research’. Make sure that the activity will be with at least one other person. Some places meet their own needs by putting a volunteer on a desk on their own, and it doesn’t meet the volunteer’s needs at all.
I told my husband for many years, “I married you for better or for worse, but NOT for lunch”. We always laughed about it, but thankfully after one full year of retirement, we both still enjoy day trips, camper trips, gardening, walking around our property, and lots of summer pursuits. Many of which include lunch. But I do enjoy my time alone at home now and then, when he’s out with ‘the boys’ . I suspect that’s the type of time you are looking for. It’s awfully hard to manufacture interest in something for another person.
Can you get your husband to do some things with you? Yes, you mention depression so we readers want to see more information in your profile. Perhaps he misses his former career lifestyle. Take him to his doctor to ensure nothing is physically wrong with him. Counseling may be necessary.
Working is a big part of our lives for so long and when retirement finally comes, we sort of "lose our purpose" for lack of a better word. He may feel a little down and a little lost. The folks who do not have a lot of hobbies or social activities before retirement tend to fall into this melancholy once they no longer work.
Maybe get him up early, fix a smoothie and suggest a daily walk in your neighborhood or a nearby park. See if there is a movie playing on Saturday night. Plan a dinner party and cards with friends. Tell him you would like to do a road trip to another town and ask him to map out the day. Join a bowling league or a card group so that you have scheduled days that you have to be somewhere.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
And if it's not being treated, and he's in denial about his depression, then you may just have to go on and start doing things that you enjoy without him.
I'm sure that's not what you intended when you both retired, but if one party has chosen to be a party pooper or even just more of a homebody, it doesn't mean that the other party has to go along with them.
Life is too short and precious to not do the things that bring us pleasure and joy, so get out there and start enjoying your retirement with or without your husband.
And maybe just maybe when he sees you out having all this fun he may just want to join you one day. One can only hope huh?
While you’re out having coffee with girlfriends, taking a class, a hike or volunteering, give him lots of chores to do at home. It’s amazing how quickly he will find something elsewhere when housework becomes HIS job.
When all else fails you might have to spend some serious money to encourage a hobby - buy him a classic car, a fly fishing rod, a greenhouse, an e-bike, golf clubs, a bowling ball, a gym membership, a table saw, if you can afford it.
Hook him up with a local service organization, Lions or Kiwanis clubs. Maybe look into monitoring city council or local utility board meetings or sitting in on trials at the courthouse. Adopt-A-Road!
Once he finds something he enjoys and it becomes routine, you can quit all your activities and have time to yourself at home again. The truth is, if you are enough for him (as many wives are for their husbands) he may not be interested in looking elsewhere for activities.
Good luck! Retirement is a hard transition for some men.
It takes time to adjust, a year or more, some people are just lost. I was a stay at home mom for 4 boys for years, so I adjusted pretty well. But I would look at my husband when he was outside and he looked so lost. Then his friends started stopping in, and one beer after another and 20lbs later I put a huge end to that.
Now the only difficult time is the dead of winter, which is now! 😖 It's not easy, I'm not sure what your husband likes to do.
Mine was cleaning the basement today, but I just got a sence he needed to get out, so we went for a ride and put for lunch, honestly the last thing I wanted to do, but it's not his fault I'm with mom 2 or 3 days a week.
I'm not sure what your husband likes to do. Mine tinkers on old trucks. Built me a patio , and we rebuilt are deck this summer.
Has he always been a home-body? If so, just because he's retired doesn't mean he will magically become someone he has never been. Maybe agree to have a month of once a week "activity dates" where you each pick something to try out together and see how it goes.
Volunteerism is a good way to put skills to use and feel good doing it. Join Nextdoor.com and you'll find all sorts of needs posted by your actual neighbors and nearby communities (and non-anonymous).
I too question if the depression is you or him... if it's him I think it's not uncommon to have a period of adjustment after a lifetime of a work routine. FYI retirement is one of the 3 times when divorce risk increases.
I wish you all the best as you create an enjoyable retirement together.
As you can imagine, we don't know your husband's history.
You put this under "depression" but we need now for you to fill us in a bit about hubby.
His age?
His health?
His interests before retirement?
His explanation for why he doesn't want to do much?
You own hopes for sharing retirement with him? (Hobbies, travel, grandkids, building a second home? whatever they may be). Your history of being close.
And lastly, what discussions have you had with him and what does he say to you.
Without a little information about all we could say is why not ask him out to dinner and a bowling date tonight?
If he just retired and has had been working for a long time especially at the same place there might be a few things going on.
Depression is possible.
Obviously since retiring he has changed his routine depression can be a possibility.
He may be missing co-workers and the comradery that goes with the workplace.
There is a possibility that there may be things medically going on. Even things he may not have shared with you. Was the retirement a long planned goal or did he decide recently? The reason I ask is if he feels that there may be some cognitive problems he might be having that can be worrisome. And I have read that some people have been able to hide signs/symptoms of cognitive problems for years before others notice. Think back over the past year or so have there been any little things that might have been "off" just a bit and you either ignored or brushed it off as a fluke? (It was 1 incident that made me question my Husband and what might be going on)
Since it is end of the year maybe suggest that he schedule his "Annual Medicare Physical" and part of that should be a mini mental test. but also discuss or send a note to his doctor that he recently retired.
You also might want to start planning little day trips. I am sure that you live in an area where there are places that you would like to explore. make believe you are a tourist in your town.
Discover what programs your local Senior Center has. Trips, activities. And I am sure they need Volunteers and your husband might find that he can help.
You can also try VolunteerMatch.org put in your area and it will bring up organizations looking for Volunteers.
What is the problem with getting your husband out of the house?
Do you want to do things together
or
Do you want him to leave the house so you have time to yourself?
What do YOU want to do?
Join senior community centers.
Get calendars of events.
Plan ahead.
Let him be if he doesn't want to do anything with you.
You create the adventures / activities you want to do - for you.
Gena / Touch Matters
I think perhaps volunteer activities would be best to ‘research’. Make sure that the activity will be with at least one other person. Some places meet their own needs by putting a volunteer on a desk on their own, and it doesn’t meet the volunteer’s needs at all.
“I married you for better or for worse, but NOT for lunch”. We always laughed about it, but thankfully after one full year of retirement, we both still enjoy day trips, camper trips, gardening, walking around our property, and lots of summer pursuits. Many of which include lunch. But I do enjoy my time alone at home now and then, when he’s out with ‘the boys’ . I suspect that’s the type of time you are looking for. It’s awfully hard to manufacture interest in something for another person.
Maybe get him up early, fix a smoothie and suggest a daily walk in your neighborhood or a nearby park. See if there is a movie playing on Saturday night. Plan a dinner party and cards with friends. Tell him you would like to do a road trip to another town and ask him to map out the day. Join a bowling league or a card group so that you have scheduled days that you have to be somewhere.